The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Blackadder characters has been shot and eaten by bats. Here is a rewriting and reposting of a story I did a long time ago! Enjoy the madness!
Captain Edmund Blackadder sauntered up to Captain Darling as he was stationed at his desk outside General Melchett's office. "Morning Darling, have any tea?" Edmund spoke in his usual tone to Captain Darling, which was often condescending.
Darling fumed silently, hating how Blackadder always took advantage of his surname. "How many times do I have to tell you it's Captain Darling?"
"If I guess the right number do I get a prize?" Edmund smirked.
"You'll get front row seats at your own execution by firing squad if you don't watch your mouth!" Darling snapped. "I am getting sick and tired of your insubordination, Blackadder!"
"It's not a picnic for me either," Edmund retaliated. "Do you know how hard it is coming up with new ways to insult you? It's not as easy as it looks. I'm thinking of bringing in some writers to help me. I'm going to put an ad in the paper. Wanted: Comedy writers needed to insult weasely desk jockey."
"I've had just about enough of this nonsense Blackadder!" Darling stood up in anger.
"Quite right. You have some nonsense of your own to tell me about," Edmund cut to the chase. "So what is it Darling?"
"I have to leave my post tonight for…personal reasons," Darling grumbled. "And I need someone to baby-sit…Ahem, I mean assist General Melchett for the weekend. And since you were the only person I thought deserving of the post I thought of you."
"Oh I see. Off to have another interview with the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps, eh?"
"NO I AM NOT!" Darling roared before he collected himself. "Besides, that's no longer an option for me. I've decided it really isn't where I belong."
"Fortunately protocol forbids me to tell you exactly where I think you belong, Darling," Edmund smirked. "Let's just say it smells slightly better than Baldrick and it's a bit warmer than Barbados. So I take it they're not pressing charges eh?"
Darling got red in the face, clearly embarrassed. "Look, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the investigative committee! It was an accident that the Major's bra caught on fire and my trousers were thrown out the window! And all my underwear was in the laundry and that's why I wasn't wearing any! It's perfectly simple!"
"And you certainly didn't intend to vomit all over the sergeant at arms," Edmund added. "And they actually bought that?"
"Well General Melchett was on the committee and he really didn't like the Major anyway…" Darling began. "Oh dash it, Blackadder! Do you want to get out of this week's attack or not?"
"An attack? This weekend?" Edmund was concerned. Mostly about his personal safety.
"Yes the General is going to announce a surprise attack plan on the radio. He thinks it will lift the men's spirits," Darling explained.
"Oh it will lift them all right," Edmund rolled his eyes. "Lift them all the way up to heaven and out of their bodies. So what exactly do I have to do?"
"Not much," Darling shrugged. "Just attend to the General. That's all. It's only for one weekend."
"I don't get it," Edmund was puzzled. "Why do you want to help me?"
"It's not a question of helping you, Blackadder," Darling gave him a look. "You're simply the best man qualified for the job. Besides, you'd be doing me a favor as well."
"Well as distasteful as the thought of me doing you any favors is, I'll do it," Edmund agreed. "If only to get me out of the trenches for a while. But I still think you're up to something."
"This may shock you, Blackadder," Darling gave him a hard look. "But not everyone with half a brain cell around here has a hidden agenda. Not everyone's like you."
"No," Edmund admitted. "If they were this stupid war would have been over long ago."
At that moment General Melchett walked out of his office flanked by George and Baldrick. "And then the parrot says 'See what you get for five dollars?'" Melchett delivered the punch line.
While George laughed heartily with his commander, Baldrick was puzzled. "I don't get it."
"Oh the naïve simple Tommy," General Melchett shook his head. "How innocent!" Immediately he whacked Baldrick on the head. "Hello! Hello! Captain Blackadder! How good to see you! What's he doing here Darling?"
"Captain Blackadder is going to cover for me this weekend, sir," Darling told him.
"Cover you with what?" General Melchett blinked.
"Oh this weekend is just going to fly by," Edmund muttered to himself.
"Sir the captain is going to take over my duties this weekend while I'm away," Darling patiently explained.
"Well if you're away how the devil is he going to cover you?" General Melchett was confused. "I don't think you've thought this out Darling. But very well. It is your weekend. In fact, you can take George here with you. I promised him the weekend off."
Darling did not expect this. "Um, sir I don't want to make a fuss…"
"Then don't Darling," Melchett said. "Well that's all settled then."
George made a broad smile. "Well Hurrah and Skippity Boo! We're going to have a jolly lovely time aren't we, Captain?"
"Words can't express how I'm feeling at the moment," Darling made a strained smile.
Then Edmund got a brilliantly evil idea. "Well then, why not make it a threesome? You can take Baldrick here with you! He's a wonderful driver. And it will do him good to get out."
"Yeah I can complete my collection of mud from foreign places!" Baldrick said cheerfully.
"You collect mud?" Darling asked.
"Yes sir I do," Baldrick said proudly, pointing to his uniform. "This patch I got when we first came to France. This patch is when we went on holiday to Belgium. This patch is when I went home to visit my granny on leave. That's me personal favorite. You can still see her teeth marks."
"Oh yes," Edmund took a look. "Very interesting."
"Oh why not?" Melchett said. "Very well, the private here can escort you gentlemen to town so you three can have a real lad's weekend! And meanwhile Captain Blackadder and I can take care of things on this end. See you this weekend, Captain. BAAAAHHH!" He walked out of the room.
"Well put a powder puff tail on my rear end and call me Bunny! This is going to be a lark!" George said cheerfully.
"Yes sir!" Baldrick grinned. "This will be the most fun I have had since my cousin Bert Baldrick got engaged to my Aunt Ralph!"
Edmund smiled a wonderfully wicked smile. "Enjoy yourself Darling. Have a good weekend. I know I will. Ta!" He walked away with Darling glaring at his back.
Later that night at General Melchett's private quarters he and Edmund were having a nice dinner. "Oh how I wish I could have been there when I told the men the attack plan over the radio," Melchett said as he sipped his wine.
"Believe me sir, many a man in the trenches wishes the exact same thing," Edmund remarked as he finished his meal.
"I know. But someone has to stay here and plan these things," Melchett told him. "I'm awfully sorry you had to be dragged away from the action, Blackadder."
"Well as much of a hardship as it is being out of the trenches, sir," Edmund smiled. "I think I can survive it. A favor is a favor."
Melchett nodded. "Quite right. Excuse me, Captain."
Then Melchett very calmly took out his pistol and started firing shots into the air randomly. "TAKE THAT YOU DAMN BATS!"
Melchett calmly returned his pistol to his holster. Then he noticed Edmund on the floor where he dove for cover. "Sorry about that Blackadder. Damn things. Good lord man, what are you doing on the floor?"
"Um…Checking to see if the floor is solid," Edmund said. He then hit the floor a few times before he got up and dusted himself off. "Yup. It's steady. No hidden wires or anything."
"Hmm, Good thinking Captain," Melchett nodded. "The last thing we need is for the floor to give way. Or for Jerry to spy on us or something. Could be dangerous! DAMN YOU! GO AWAY!" He whipped out his pistol and started to fire random shots again. "God! They're everywhere! Stupid bats! Captain! Now what are you doing?"
Once again Edmund had dropped to the floor. "Uh, making sure the floor is clean sir. Nope. No nasty bat droppings."
"My word Captain," Melchett was impressed. "I am impressed! Usually when the bats turn up all Darling does is hide in the closet and whimper like a school girl who's just found her knickers up the flagpole!"
"Do the bats come around often, sir?" Edmund asked as he picked himself up again.
"Oh no," Melchett shook his head. "Good lord no. Only once in a great while. Come to think of it, it's always when there are special occasions and when I take out my Great Auntie Ursula's Gooseberry Scrumpy. I wonder why?"
"Perhaps they smell the wine sir?" Edmund suggested, knowing the real reason.
"Hmmm…" Melchett thought. "Interesting theory. I never thought of that. Bats attracted to wine? Of course! It's the only logical explanation!"
"Well the only one that won't put me in front of a firing squad," Edmund muttered to himself.
"Well only one thing to do," Melchett went to a cabinet and took out two large bottles. "Get rid of the stuff!"
He uncorked one of the bottles. The cork barely missed Edmund's head and crashed through a window behind him. Melchett took no notice and calmly poured himself a glass. "Of course! The bats are really a minor inconvenience. It's the hippos that cause the real problems!"
"Oh yes. Big blue beasts covered with yellow spots and have daisies in their manes," Melchett said as he took a huge swig and downed the wine. He poured himself another glass. "Hang on. Hippos don't have manes. Maybe they're not hippos at all? Maybe they're really fat lions in a clever disguise?"
To Edmund's horror Melchett finished the second drink and poured himself a third. "But then what would a lion be doing with a daisy in it's mane?" Melchett thought as he drank the third glass and started pouring himself a fourth. "I've got it! They're hippos but they are wearing toupees! Of course! It's so obvious!"
"Ooooo-kay," Edmund blinked.
"I was on safari in Africa and shot one once," Melchett reminisced as he drank. "Big strong beast with huge trunks and big tusks that go WRRRRRRRRHHHHHH!" He made an elephant noise. "Tough blighter. Shot him in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."
"Sir, aren't those elephants?" Edmund cautiously corrected.
"Elephants?" Melchett thought. "Hmmmm…I do believe you're right, Captain. Huh. Elephants. Silly me. Always get those two confused."
"Yes sir, it's a very common mistake," Edmund sighed.
"Unless it was wearing a disguise!" Melchett said. "That's it! Now it was a hippo wearing an elephant disguise or an elephant wearing a hippo's disguise? Well whatever it was it's on my wall back home. So it's dead now. Doesn't matter as long as it's dead and I can use it to impress the birds. Oh well. Oh for crying out loud…"
Once again Melchett took out his pistol and started firing. "I SAID GET OUT AND STAY OUT YOU STUPID FLYING RODENTS! GET OUT YOU WINGED BASTARDS!"
One of the bullets grazed Edmund's ear and he yelped out in pain. "Blackadder are you all right?" Melchett asked.
"Ow…I think one of them got me on the ear, sir…" Edmund groaned.
"Oh dear. NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU STUPID GITS!" Melchett put more bullets in his pistol and started blasting away at the ceiling. "I CAN'T STAND BATS! ESPECIALLY RUDE BATS WHO BITE PEOPLE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
Not only did little bits of plaster fall down, but the chandelier. It nearly missed them both as it crashed to the floor. "Nice shooting sir," Edmund said sarcastically.
Of course Melchett was oblivious to it. "Thank you!" He had another drink.
"Are you feeling all right sir? Maybe you should lay off the wine for a little bit?"
"Oh don't worry Blackadder," Melchett grinned. "If there's one thing we Melchetts can do is hold our liquor!"
Ten minutes later General Melchett was on roller skates skating around the room with a paper hat on his head. He was singing loudly. "Anything goes in! Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pajamas, mutton, beef and trout! Anything goes in! Anything goes out…"
"Like my sanity," Edmund held his head in disbelief. "Sir please stop skating! You're wearing out the floor!"
"You're right!" Melchett said cheerfully. "Skating should be done after the hula dance!"
"Oh lord…" Edmund realized exactly how Darling had set him up. "Darling you are a dead man!"
"Of course we can't do the hula dance until we have our dessert," Melchett said. "Would you like some dessert Blackadder?"
"Um, what is dessert sir?"
"Oh it's that little bit of a dish you have after a big meal," Melchett said. "Usually some kind of sweet thing like biscuits or chocolate pudding or something like that."
"I meant what are we having for dessert sir?"
"Cherries flambé of course!" Melchett smiled as he went over to a huge concoction of something on the table. "I'll serve!"
Melchett started to pour vast amounts of wine on top of the concoction. "Let me show you how it's done! Just pour a bottle of Mummy's Extra Strong Scrummy! Make that two bottles!"
"Uh oh…" Edmund began to back away towards the door. "I think can see where this is going."
"And light a match! Voila!" Melchett lit a match and the dessert.
Before anyone knew it the entire headquarters was on fire. "AAAAGGH! THE BATS SET MY QUARTERS ON FIRE!" Melchett screamed and started firing his pistol. "TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AND THAT! DIE! DIE! DIE YOU BASTARDS!"
"Oh that's gonna hurt in the morning," Edmund groaned.
A day and a new headquarters in a new house down the road later…
"Well despite the bat attack and the hippos setting the headquarters on fire that was still a ripping weekend," Melchett said cheerfully. Despite his head being bandaged, both his legs in a cast and covered in bruises. "How's your arm, Blackadder?"
Edmund's arm was in a cast. "Oh quite fine, sir. It's not even infected."
"Yes sorry about me biting you old man," Melchett apologized. "In the smoke I thought you were a hippo."
"Quite all right sir. A natural mistake to make."
Just then Darling staggered in, completely dazed and disheveled with a bandage on his head. "Darling! You're a mess!" Melchett gasped, quite forgetting his own current condition.
"Well, we had some slight car trouble sir," Darling coughed.
Baldrick walked behind him with the steering wheel around his head and covered in mud. George was with him wearing a nun's habit.
"I see we're not the only ones who had a fun weekend," Edmund remarked. "Baldrick, nice to see you've added some more mud to your collection. George…never mind. What happened to you?"
"Don't ask!" Darling groaned. "Please I never want to talk about it again!"
Darling looked at Edmund and the General. "Bat attack?"
"Yup," Edmund confirmed. "Well if you don't mind I'll just take the terrible twosome here back with me. All right you two, go wait outside!"
Baldrick and George did so. "So you're back to the trenches, eh Blackadder?" Melchett asked.
"Yes sir," Edmund said and left. He added under his breath. "It's safer."
In case you didn't know, the song Melchett sang was from Monty Python and I don't own that either! Really!
So what did happen with Darling, George and Baldrick? A long time ago I issued a challenge and years later Coldfusion 180 has written a sequel! Coming soon: Darling's Weekend! Watch for it!
Edmund walked out. "You know she just did that because she was too lazy to write it up herself!"
Excuse me, I need to practice bashing things with my mallet! (Chases Edmund)