Crawford's Car and the Tokyo City Vandals
October 24, 2008
Summary: This is another Weiss Kreuz comedy. Schwarz is so ripe for comedy! "Poor" Crawford goes to the shopping mall to pick up Nagi and Tot. He gets a premonition that he'll see two of the Weiss guys arrested, but he can't figure out what for. After he leaves his car, Youji and Ken drive by and decide to repay Crawford for all the trouble Schwarz causes them. Too bad it's Ken and Youji who end up paying back Crawford at the end!
Warnings: None. My comedies are good, clean fun. This one is more amusing than funny, but the ending will get you to laugh out loud, guaranteed! Of course I don't own Weiss Kreuz; other lucky people do.
Brad Crawford hated shopping malls. No, he detested them. The crowds, the noise, the over-priced merchandise, and most of all the parking. At least it wasn't Christmas time. He guided his car into the darkened parking garage and followed the arrows higher and higher.
His irritation rose as several senior citizen would dart out in front of his bumper in a rush to sit on benches inside the massive four story complex. Crawford only wished it was the Eszett group that scowled at him as they passed in front of his car. He doubted he'd be generous with his brake as he was now.
Crawford wondered why he and the rest of Schwarz indulged Nagi so much lately. Nagi had become a little ball of putty in the hands of Tot over the last two months, and it seemed that her whims were getting more outlandish, the worst culminating in a come-dressed-as-your-favorite-bunny party thrown last week in honor of her sweet sixteen birthday.
Crawford admitted Schone, Neu, and Hell did make a trio of fine looking bunnies, but the sight of Farfarello and Schuldig in big, pink, fluffy rabbit ears about sent Crawford over the edge of sanity. It all ended in disaster when Farfarello disemboweled and dismembered the bunny cake, not to mention the repeated slaps Schuldig received for fondling Schone, Neu, and Hell's cotton tails.
The three men of Schwarz sat Nagi down and tried to explain to him how he had to reclaim his manhood and stand up to Tot. Nagi just didn't get it and Crawford, Schuldig, and Farfarello were tired of trying to explain it.
So here was Crawford at the shopping mall two hours after he had dropped off Nagi and Tot so the girl could find a dress for a school dance. He had tried to pawn it off on Hell, but after Farfarello and Schuldig's behavior at Tot's birthday party he thought it wiser not to antagonize Hell further. He was still hoping she wouldn't carry through with the lawsuit for damages to Schreient's home.
A premonition hit him. He could see two of the Weiss Kreuz members being taken away in handcuffs: Ken Hidaka and Youji Kudou. He pulled into a parking space and tried to recall it again, but he couldn't tell why they were being arrested. Crawford took a deep breath and realized if he walked around the shopping mall for a little while then his premonition would come to pass. He was frustrated because his premonitions were usually more detailed. He shrugged. He was willing to go along with his premonition if it meant seeing a pair of Weiss assassins in jail.
He got out of his cherry-red Austin-Healey vintage Rally 063 and locked the door. His passion for British racing cars was intense. He was even a member of the AHCUSA, the American Austin-Healey Club. The Austin-Healey was a prized possession; it had taken him months of embezzling from Eszett to raise the money for it.
Not to mention Schuldig had also blackmailed him and demanded his own car: a boring BMW in Crawford's opinion. It was a lot of aggravation, but like most Americans, he had a passionate love affair with high quality cars. He sighed and let a little smile cross his lips before he walked to the sliding glass doors.
"Look at that sweet car," Youji Kudou said, stomping the brake of his own white Rolls-Royce Silver Wraith. "British cars are my favorite!"
"Yeah and did you see who got out of it?" Ken Hidaka asked, craning his neck around to make sure Brad Crawford was gone.
"Yeah... well... Beelzebub is gone. Let's go check it out," Youji said pulling in next to Crawford's Austin-Healey. They both hopped out of Youji's Rolls and walked around the other British sports car. "Look at this fine looking car. It's really a crime that that creep Crawford owns it."
"I still owe him for what happened last week," Ken said through gritted teeth. Youji started snickering.
"Yeah. That was pretty twisted. Tying you up, putting on those bunny ears, and posting photos to his MySpace page was pretty wrong," Youji admitted stifling the rest of his laugher. "I wonder why he thought of bunny ears of all things?"
"I don't care why that twisted pervert thought about bunny ears! I want revenge," Ken shouted. He took his bagnucks out of his pocket and hoisted them above his head. Youji jumped between Ken and the red Austin-Healey.
"Don't you dare make a scratch on this beautiful piece of British automotive engineering," Youji shouted back.
"Balinese, out of my way," Ken threatened. Wild, dark anger crackled off the ex-soccer player.
"No... no... no... no! I can't let you do it," Youji said with wide green eyes full of tears. His hands were clasp together in supplication.
"Fine then," Ken said, lowering his bagnucks. "Lets go home so I can post some photos to my MySpace page. You know the ones I'm talking about."
"You wouldn't dare! I was drunk and you three took advantage of my vulnerable state!" Youji screamed waving his fists in the air.
"Yeah, but Aya was right. You sure did make one extremely sexy looking woman once we had you dressed up," Ken gloated. Youji's anger flared; he lunged at Ken's throat. Ken and Youji tussled and fell against the diver's side door; the bagnucks made a screeching sound as they accidentally dragged against the door.
Youji and Ken both jumped up on all fours and stared in horror at the four deep scratches on the otherwise perfect red paint job. They paled and looked at each other.
"Man! Look at what you did," Ken said.
"You were going to vandalize it anyway. Why are you sweating it," Youji sneered.
"Well... sometimes my hothead gets away from me and... well... I guess... never mind! Lets get out of here before Crawford gets back," Ken said flustered.
"You know, since it's already started, we may as well finish," Youji said.
"What about your passion for British cars?" Ken asked.
"Well... maybe tweaking Crawford would be fun. I know if Schwarz vandalized my Rolls I'd commit murder. I'll just have to pretend it's some other type of car," Youji said with a huge sigh.
"Cool! Do you still have that spray paint for the flower shop?" Ken asked. Youji hopped up and fished around in the trunk of his Rolls.
"Purple and green. Perfect," Youji said tossing a green can to Ken. They shook up their cans in unison and each proceeded to scrawl profane descriptions of Crawford sex life. Ken came to the hood and painted, 'For a good time call Shone at 555-1082.' Youji painted a rough picture of Crawford with devil horns and a tail on the trunk.
"Don't forget to take care of the tires," Youji said. Ken hoisted up his bagnucks and made quick work of all four tires. Youji went back to his trunk and got out a tire iron. He smashed the windshield and waved his hand to the now opened interior. Ken crawled in and slashed the upholstery with relish while Youji howled in laughter waving the tire iron in the air.
They both froze as blue lights flashed and a siren blared. They both lofted their hands as several mall security guards swarmed towards Ken and Youji's handiwork.
"We should go home now," Nagi said, before sipping on his soda. Crawford and Tot sat with him in the crowded food court. Empty food trays that had contained Chinese food lay before the three of them. Nagi had been baffled by Crawford's sudden burst of generosity.
Not only had Crawford bought he and Tot a late lunch, but the American assassin had also bought Tot's accessories for her formal dance dress and bought Nagi's formal suit as well.
"I'm waiting for the right time. I had a premonition," Crawford explained.
"Ohhhh... that sounds important," Tot said.
"It could be," Crawford said.
"But Tot and I have to do our homework..."
"Relax. Enjoy the day," Crawford said in a languid tone as he leaned back in his chair. Nagi shot him a disquieted look at this uncharacteristic behavior from his leader. "We'll head back at a nice stroll and we should have a nice treat waiting for us at the car."
"Cool! Tot loves treats," she squealed in delight as she gathered up her shopping bags. Nagi and Tot followed Crawford out to the parking garage that was ablaze with bright blue lights. Nagi had to jog to keep up with Crawford as they headed towards the three police cruisers.
Nagi's jaw dropped as he saw two Weiss Kreuz assassins, Ken and Youji, being frisked as they were draped over the hood of a police cruiser. A loud, echoing cry of anguish drilled Nagi's eardrums. He turned to see Crawford was on his knees as his face paled. Nagi's eyes unwilling traveled to the parking space that held Crawford's defaced prized possession. It was more than defaced; it was demolished in Nagi's opinion.
Nagi's telekinesis froze Crawford as he surged towards the two Weiss assassins who were being stuffed in the back of a police cruiser after they were both handcuffed.
"Let me go! I'll kill them," Crawford shouted flaying around in midair, his hands outstretched like talons.
"Excuse me. Are you Mr. Bradley Crawford," a policeman asked walking up to them. Nagi quickly released Crawford before the policeman saw the American floating in midair. The Schwarz leader, now sprawled on the concert ground, looked up at the policeman. "We found these two vandalizing your car. We want to know if you would like to press charges."
"Are you kidding me?" Crawford screamed and jumped at the clipboard and pen in the policeman's hand. "I want them put away in a dark cell with several burly Yakuza types. All with hangovers and bad attitudes! Preferably looking for boyfriends!"
"Tot, do you mind calling Ms. Hell and seeing if she'll pick us up," Nagi asked. Tot just flashed her boyfriend a bright smile.
"Mr. Crawford was right. Tot did have a fun surprise at the car. Weiss is so artistic! Look at the pretty colors," Tot said, getting out her cell phone. Nagi only shook his head as Crawford sank to his knees again and wept.
"Vandalism?" Aya asked as he stood in front of the holding cell where Youji and Ken stood. Ken's face looked blameworthy, but Youji's looked aggravated. "Aren't you both a little too old to go around spray painting cars?"
"Okay... okay... just bail us out already," Youji snapped.
"We don't have that kind of money, Youji. That was an Austin-Healey. You're an expert on British cars, therefore, you figure out what the bail is," Aya said.
"Put up the flower shop," Youji suggested.
"More like your car," Aya countered. The blond assassin inhaled and stumbled backwards.
"Yeah, put up Youji's Rolls already," Ken said.
"And your motorcycle," Aya said. Ken fell back on his rump as an expression of horror struck his face. "That should also cover some of your other fines."
"No way," Youji shouted.
"Don't touch my bike," Ken shouted.
"Suit yourself. Those seedy looking Yakazu types in the overnight cell will just love you two," Aya said letting a rare, wicked smirk come to his lips. "Some of them remind me of the Crashers, you know what I mean?"
"Fine! I'll sign it over," Youji said. "I'm too pretty to spend the night in jail with creepy Yakazu types."
"Yeah, I ain't messing with them without my bagnucks," Ken said. Aya nodded and left to go post their bail.
(Two weeks later- courthouse steps)
"Community service," Youji groaned to Ken. They both loosened their ties and took off their jackets.
"I guess we're lucky. We didn't loose our vehicles," Ken pointed out. Both Ken and Youji startled when Crawford appeared before them.
"I guess I'll see you two vandals on Monday morning," Crawford said with narrowed eyes. "I've got just the tasks for your community service."
"Bite me, Crawford," Ken snapped and almost pounced on Schwarz's leader, but Youji held him back. Crawford waved and walked down the courthouse steps where Schuldig waited with his BMW. Schuldig pointed and laughed at Ken and Youji as Crawford got into the BMW.
"Oh... this is nice," Schuldig said as Youji massaged the German's feet. Youji had just finished soaking Schuldig's feet after he clipped the toenails. Youji's face had taken on a perpetual expression of contempt as his task of giving all of Schwarz pedicures was coming to the end.
A wild scream came from down the hallway. Ken ran to the sofa in Schwarz's living room. Ken had on rubber gloves and an apron; he flung aside a worn tooth brush.
"He has embalmed body parts in there," Ken shouted pointing towards Farfarello's bedroom.
"Did you clean my bathroom yet, Weiss?" Farfarello asked as he examined his glossy toenails. Ken passed out and hit floor with a dull thud. Crawford's bare foot nudged Ken awake.
"I'd suggest lots of bleach," Crawford said as Ken stood up again with a ashen complexion. Crawford turned to the teenage boy sitting beside him. "Nagi, make sure you get plenty of photos for MySpace."