By Lolly


(With thanks to SmokeyFizz and MysteryTwilightFan)


Oh, my, God, Rhianne, look who they cast.

He's just so crap.

He looks like he's got caterpillar eyebrows.

But ya know, caterpillars are just so last year.

The fan girls only like him because

He's playing Edward Cullen, 'kay?

I mean, that guy, he's just so crap.

I can't believe he's just so skinny, he's like,

British. I mean, gross.


He's just…RPattz!


I like RPattz and I cannot lie

Rob's mafia can't deny

That when Bert walks in with his hot sex hair

Can't help but stop and stare,

We go APEshit,

We just lose our wits

Wanna tear that Brit to bits

We're fangirls and we're spazzing,

Coz we find that dude so dazzling

First saw Robert playing Cedric

In that Harry Potter flick

I really dug that Diggory

Made Hufflepuff look oh so sexy!

Ooh! Rob, you big dork

Do ya wanna fork down in Forks?

Oh use me, bruise me,

Bite pillows on our honeymoony

You're freakin' funky,
Come on, spidermonkey

You're scent, heavensent

I melt at your accent

I see you on MTV

Saying how you'd marry me

Long as I ain't wanting some kiddies

Coz you hate babies.

So Robert! (What?) Robert! (Yes?)

Is that Robert hot or what?

So shake it! Shake it!

Shake those English buns!

The RPattz Rap.


I like 'em cold, and dead,

And sparkling skin instead

Can't help myself, I'm acting like a Mex

Want my BertSex.

Wanna catch him alone

And UGH! Double up, UGH, UGH.

I ain't talking about E.T.

That cover shot was blasphemy.

We want Rob real hot and yummy

Don't mind his early pubes

LollyPop's so crude,

Beggin' to see him nude.

So I'm watching the VMAs

Cheesedick Russel Brand cutting you off?!

Well now I'm mad

That Brand's getting my backhand.

So now you're playing Eddie, our vampire,

From Stephenie Meyer

Although I gotta be straight, I kinda did hate


Nestard the demon spawn

Lot of Twerds won't like this song.

Sorry BD just wasn't for me,

So I am on team trilogy.

It's gonna be gross if you film

Ripping Kristen's belly out.

So ladies! Ladies!

Go Volvo, not Mercedes!

We want Rob, Bertjob

Even Cavillites have no doubt

In the RPattz Rap.


When it comes to Vampires? Henry or Gaspard ain't got nothing to do with my attraction. Only other boy I approve of? Haha. That's our Tommy.


So, your bromance with Tom Sturridge, I really wanna encourage

Though Sturridge ain't gonna beat ME to our marriage!

I really love how you just work

That Green Plaid Shirt, Bert.

Really dig that hobo love,

Just please God, lose that beard.

And its great how you're so sullen

About that Edward Cullen

You're so right, yes, quite –

He's the emo of Twilight.

I'm gonna get bitchslapped

For dissing Ed in this rap

But I don't really care coz you're just so pumpin'

And I'm thinking bout humpin'.

To that drunkard who tried to kiss,

What were you thinking, Miss?

What about Kristen – her teeth pickin'?

Slapping KStew's ass was pimpin'

I'm just a laughing barrel

When you chat with Larry Carroll

Coz you are the biggest dweeb

But that's exactly what I need.

So Rob, I'm sorry to say,

But your fans are here to stay

Dial 1-900-LOLLYPOP

And I'll protect you all night long…

The RPattz Rap.

Twentysomethings, teens and the Twilight Moms

We all wanna piece of your English buns

LollyPop thinks you're a total hun,

Now go convince Meyer to write Midnight Sun.