THE RPATTZ RAP
(With thanks to SmokeyFizz and MysteryTwilightFan)
Oh, my, God, Rhianne, look who they cast.
He's just so crap.
He looks like he's got caterpillar eyebrows.
But ya know, caterpillars are just so last year.
The fan girls only like him because
He's playing Edward Cullen, 'kay?
I mean, that guy, he's just so crap.
I can't believe he's just so skinny, he's like,
British. I mean, gross.
I like RPattz and I cannot lie
Rob's mafia can't deny
That when Bert walks in with his hot sex hair
Can't help but stop and stare,
We go APEshit,
We just lose our wits
Wanna tear that Brit to bits
We're fangirls and we're spazzing,
Coz we find that dude so dazzling
First saw Robert playing Cedric
In that Harry Potter flick
I really dug that Diggory
Made Hufflepuff look oh so sexy!
Ooh! Rob, you big dork
Do ya wanna fork down in Forks?
Oh use me, bruise me,
Bite pillows on our honeymoony
You're freakin' funky,
Come on, spidermonkey
You're scent, heavensent
I melt at your accent
I see you on MTV
Saying how you'd marry me
Long as I ain't wanting some kiddies
Coz you hate babies.
So Robert! (What?) Robert! (Yes?)
Is that Robert hot or what?
So shake it! Shake it!
Shake those English buns!
The RPattz Rap.
I like 'em cold, and dead,
And sparkling skin instead
Can't help myself, I'm acting like a Mex
Want my BertSex.
Wanna catch him alone
And UGH! Double up, UGH, UGH.
I ain't talking about E.T.
That cover shot was blasphemy.
We want Rob real hot and yummy
Don't mind his early pubes
LollyPop's so crude,
Beggin' to see him nude.
So I'm watching the VMAs
Cheesedick Russel Brand cutting you off?!
Well now I'm mad
That Brand's getting my backhand.
So now you're playing Eddie, our vampire,
From Stephenie Meyer
Although I gotta be straight, I kinda did hate
That book BREAK-ING DAWN.
Nestard the demon spawn
Lot of Twerds won't like this song.
Sorry BD just wasn't for me,
So I am on team trilogy.
It's gonna be gross if you film
Ripping Kristen's belly out.
So ladies! Ladies!
Go Volvo, not Mercedes!
We want Rob, Bertjob
Even Cavillites have no doubt
In the RPattz Rap.
When it comes to Vampires? Henry or Gaspard ain't got nothing to do with my attraction. Only other boy I approve of? Haha. That's our Tommy.
So, your bromance with Tom Sturridge, I really wanna encourage
Though Sturridge ain't gonna beat ME to our marriage!
I really love how you just work
That Green Plaid Shirt, Bert.
Really dig that hobo love,
Just please God, lose that beard.
And its great how you're so sullen
About that Edward Cullen
You're so right, yes, quite –
He's the emo of Twilight.
I'm gonna get bitchslapped
For dissing Ed in this rap
But I don't really care coz you're just so pumpin'
And I'm thinking bout humpin'.
To that drunkard who tried to kiss,
What were you thinking, Miss?
What about Kristen – her teeth pickin'?
Slapping KStew's ass was pimpin'
I'm just a laughing barrel
When you chat with Larry Carroll
Coz you are the biggest dweeb
But that's exactly what I need.
So Rob, I'm sorry to say,
But your fans are here to stay
And I'll protect you all night long…
The RPattz Rap.
Twentysomethings, teens and the Twilight Moms
We all wanna piece of your English buns
LollyPop thinks you're a total hun,
Now go convince Meyer to write Midnight Sun.