Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion, Pizza Hut or Dominos Pizza.
Note (1): This piece of work is unproofread. Read at your own risk.
Note (2): I hope I do not offend any people actually involved with Pizza Hut or Dominos with this.
Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion
Pizza Delivery is Serious Business.
"Contrary to popular belief, glaring at them won't make them go away." Branch manager Ougi calmly informed Kallen as she glared angrily at the offending squarish Red and Blue sign across the road.
"It makes me feel better though." Kallen huffed. "Remind me again why I can't just hop in my Gurren and raze their establishment to the ground?"
"Because that particular branch has four Knights of Rounds manning it." Ougi said. "As good as you are, I don't think it's a good idea to take them all on at once, not when our building could get razed in the process."
"I liked it better when we were out to kill each other."
Picture this, dear readers. Two fine pizza producing establishments standing at opposite sides of a two lane road in an urban neighborhood, with gigantic Knightmare frames parked just outside their entrances. On the east bank, a small branch Pizza Hut, manned by certain members of the Black Knights. Viva la Resistance. On the west bank, a towering five story tall branch of Dominos Pizza. Naturally, it was run by members Holy Britannian military.
How this weird arrangement came to be was a story in itself.
Somehow, Zero had gained this weird idea to acquire the Pizza Hut franchise and use it as a front for their information gathering activities. It might have had something to do with C.C. knocking Lelouch out and impersonating him for a week, but Deithard had endorsed the idea (after C.C. had wrestled him to the floor and threatened to castrate him). Meanwhile, V.V. who was secretly a die-hard Dominoes loyalist (what was with immortals and Pizza?), finally gave into his desires and used his position as the Emperor's 'big brother' and acquire his beloved pizza chain on the premise that the 'Geass Cult needed a new front for their operations'.
By the time Lelouch and Charles had realized what their respective mythical assistants had done, it was too late.
Of course, the foolish, unnecessary, expensive acquisition of a multinational restaurant chain had left the Black Knights very out of pocket, leaving Lelouch no choice but to roll with the whole deal. It was either Pizza Hut turned an amazing profit this year, with an equally amazing dividend, or the rebellion was as good as finished. Lelouch, in a brilliant, or desperate defending on how you viewed it, move to cut costs fired all the current Pizza Hut employees and replaced them with Black Knight members who would work for him for free.
Realizing that his brother's whimsical decision had given him the golden opportunity to finish off his wayward son's rebellion in the most humiliating way possible, Charles used the new controlling interest in Dominos to put Prince Schneizel on in charge. The dashing prince brought with him a good portion of the Britannian military as their new employees. Schneizel first order of business was to use military funding to build a Domino outlet just across the road from every Pizza Hut establishment, a direct challenge so to speak.
The war had risen to a whole new level.
Neither side was too happy they were trading in their military garbs for 'humiliating company uniforms', but they had little choice in the matter. Lelouch was desperate for funds, Charles was having too much fun, and everyone else in the military was miserable.
Except for C.C. and V.V. who now had access to more pizza than they could ever eat.
This was why, on that cool winter morning in Tokyo settlement, Kallen Kozuki was glaring angrily at the Dominoes outlet across the road. If she could squint hard enough, she could make out the recognizable form of Suzaku Kurugi manning the till from inside the building, possibly more distressed than her by this odd turn of events.
Later that day…
Suzaku Kurugi, clad in his delivery guy getup was rushing like mad in his Lancelot Conquesta Knightmare Frame to make his delivery to Ashford Academy. The once proud war machine, once called the 'White Death' by terrified foes, was now had the embarrassing honor of having the Dominos Pizza emblem painted in no less than ten places around it's body. In the hands of the gigantic war machine, was a gigantic pizza box housing the Knightmare frame sized 'Ultimate Pizza'.
This wasn't what he'd expected on his road to the coveted title of 'Knight of One'.
"Late, late, late…"
They'd received a call from Ashford this morning. Even though she'd graduated Milly was throwing yet another party, and this time, she wanted to be sure that there would be Pizza. It was a really high paying job that would definitely rake in some big bucks for little effort.
It was Gino's fault really.
The overenthusiastic young noble insisted that he fulfill the 'giant pizza' order, having always wanted to make one. Unfortunately Gino wasn't too good at it.
First, Gino screwed up the original order by dropping the large pizza base on the road while making it with the Tristian. Sensing weakness, a few of the Pizza Hut guys who were returning from a delivery had rushed onto the road in their Knightmares and quickly rolled all over it before Anya could beat them off. By that time, it was a write off and they had to start over.
Then, Gino had gotten carried away with the pizza spinning, and sent the work in progress soaring across the road again… this time, onto the small Pizza Hut itself. The sheer size of the pizza meant that it covered their entire building when it settled down. They took this as a declaration of hostilities, and opened fire with a variety of deadly weapons. The short battle only ceased when a call from a customer cam through on Pizza Hut's end.
This unfortunately, cost the Britannians valuable time.
Finally, when Tristian had finally made one and was about to set off, he'd run into the Gurren on the way out. Kallen was also about to set off to deliver her own super-sized pizza to Ashford, possibly because Milly had given up on Dominos and decided to go for good old Pizza Hut. Somehow the 'Gino-Meiser' thought it would be the perfect time to make a pass at her. Kallen attacked him of course, and Gino had to use his completed pizza to parry her giant claw.
In retrospect, Suzaku and Co. would have gladly traded Gino's incompetent hide for that pizza.
While the eventual barrage of RPG fire had driven off the Gurren, the damage was done, and they had to make a new one all over again. This time the branch manager, Bismarck, wizened up and let Suzaku handle the job.
But he was still very, very late.
"Gino, if I miss out on the tip, I swear to god I'll…"
Soaring through the skies at maximum speed, his day took a turn for the worse when he spied the Gurren, sporting that ridiculous Pizza Hut banner that Rakshata had insisted Kallen strap onto its back, coming at him in the opposite direction.
It didn't take Suzaku long to notice that Kallen hard activated the Gurren's weapons and was on about the most aggressive intercept course he could think of.
Suzaku gulped. This did not bode well.
Kallen was feeling great for the first time that day. She was flying one handed, using her free hand to clutch a very, very large tip from Milly close to her chest. The huge ten thousand pound sterling payment for the enourous pizza and huge tip to match was almost enough for Kallen to forget all her worries.
But her mood shifted to annoyance when who should she see coming at her, but that Honorary-Britannian idiot, Suzaku Kurugi. Having just handed Gino his ass on a platter, Kallen was not in the mood for another Britannian idiot. Then she remembered their mission briefing.
Stuffing her tip into one of her pockets (she was still dressed in her uniform), Kallen flipped the radio on. "This is Q-1 to Magic Eye. I have one bandit closing in, carrying precious cargo. It's Suzaku. Looks like he's running late." She said this with a bit of a chuckle. No shit he was running late!
Somewhere, high above the city, Lelouch and a number of their best operators were in something Rakshata had dubbed an Airborne Warning and Control System (AWACS for short), an experimental airborne radar system mounted on an aircraft that, with hope, would help them monitor all aerial activity for miles around. So far, it was a sterling success in helping their delivery personnel get to their designated locations in record breaking times while keeping track of those Britannian jerks.
"Magic Eye to Q-1, I see him… Remember our last staff meeting? You know what to do Q-1." The amused voice of Zero responded back to her.
The mood around the Black Knight conferences table would have been somber in the face of the constant sting of bad reports, however they were all having so much fun eating the huge Pizza buffet that Zero had graciously provided for them.
"...and so, due to our acquisition of Pizza Hut, I am afraid we do not have any funds to supplement its current advertising, operating and promotional activities to combat Domino's aggressive new promotional campaign." Diethard finished, before eating another slice of Hawaiian pizza with an almost leisurely pace.
"Thank you Diethard." Zero, the real Zero now that Kallen, Sayako and Rollo had figured out 'Zero' was an impostor and freed Lelouch, nodded at the reporter before turning to Chiba. "Chiba, how goes our sales?"
Pilot finished off a slice of her Vegetarian pizza before delivering her report. "Unfortunately, our sales are decreasing. Now that Dominos has access to the Imperial Treasury, they are expanding their operations aggressively. The number of Dominos outlets not outnumbers Pizza Hut by a three to one margin in the metropolitan areas."
"I expected as much. Todoh what is the word on their new fleet of delivery vehicles?'
The general gracefully took another slice of the Super Supreme tray. "Not good. They have developed a new variant of the Gloucester Knightmare frame that is specifically designed to make Pizza deliveries. The sheer speed of their machines is greater than ours by 17.4. Our pilots on average are more skilled and knowledgeable about the layout of the cities, however these knew Knightmare frames are making deliveries so quick, there has been a shift in public preference to Dominos. We're working beyond exhaustion to just match them."
"In other words, they're cheating." Tamaki summarized in between mouthfuls of Double Cheeseburger pizza.
"Stupid Pudding Earl" Rakasha added.
"Mfffth! Muf Mffth! Mummph!"
"Oh, what was that? Did someone speak?" Zero said bemusedly, and all eyes in the room turned to the instigator of their current financial problems.
C.C. was tied by both rope and stainless steel chains to an iron pole in the corner of the room and was gagged with masking tape. She was restrained in just the right way that she had perfect view of the whole room, particularly the all you could eat Pizza buffet the Black Knights were enjoying.
C.C. would normally have glared angrily at Lelouch for this insult, but thirty minutes of watching a roomful of people eating an all you can eat Pizza buffet and not been able to join them was too much for even a thousand year old witch. This was even worse than living forever! Her torment had caused her to break down into tears.
"Please! I'm sorry! LET ME HAVE SOME!" C.C. had actually said.
What came out sounded more like muffled swear words.
Alas, C.C. had finally found a fate worse than Eternal Life.
Lelouch knew she'd get him back one day, but at the moment he didn't really care. "Oh well, I guess not. I think we all need another round of Pizza."
Deciding that was probably the best idea they'd had thus far, the Black Knights toasted to each other and all had another slice.
Pizza for food, the instigator of their current predicament tied up and suffering for entertainment… yes, the Black Knight were doing their best to find that silver lining.
"It appears what we need right now is more time to settle in to our new… business." Zero said. "At present we are geared towards a war against Britannia. We need is to reorganize ourselves towards serving Pizza."
In another time and place, this statement would sound completely ridiculous…. Okay it still sounds ridiculous now, but you get the drift. There were nods all around the table.
"Rakshata, see if you can modify the Akaisukis slated to replace our Gekko fleet to increase their speed and agility. Todoh, Kallen, Chiba, Asahina, make sure all land based Knightmare pilots are familiar appropriate maneuvers required to move unhindered in urban environments for major metropolitan areas they have been assigned. Place emphasis on moving through traffic and using unorthodox routes to move through obstacles and shorten time. Dietard, re-evaluate the current advertising campaign. I trust you can think up some way to use our limited resources to your advantage."
A chorus of acknowledgments could be heard all around. Except of course…
"But they're hammering us in the short run!" Ougi pointed out. "We need time to implement those measures, time we don't have…"
"There is a shift towards Dominos because of their quicker delivery times and wider access to customers." Zero explained. "We just have to make our delivery service faster than theirs. If we do that, the indifferent customers who only care about the speed delivery will swing toward Pizza Hut, US. That should stop the bleed in our clientele give us the time we need."
"Zero, our pilots are all already working beyond their limits to provide speedy…" Todoh began. Zero merely raised his hand.
"Who ever said anything about us working harder?" Zero smirked under his mask. "I merely said; we just have to make our delivery service faster than theirs."
And that was why Suzaku suddenly found himself facing an onslaught of everything Kallen had in the Gurren's disposal. Weaving through the missiles, Suzaku was about to return fire when he realized he had a problem.
Lancelot's manipulators were occupied with holding the Pizza. One problem with the Lancelot was its reliance on its hands to use most of its equipment. Aside from its waist mounted Slash Harkens, most of Lancelot's equipment required his arms to be doing something to be used properly. Right now, his hands were holding the humongous Pizza box.
He had no way to fight back.
"That's despicable Kallen!"
Suzaku dodged in and out of the missiles Gurren was hurling at him, and narrowly avoided being skewered by the massive claw. Several swipes later from the massive arm, Suzaku came to a more awful realization.
Kallen wasn't aiming at him.
She was aiming at the Pizza!
Suddenly the Black Knights actions up to this point became clear to Suzaku.
"Stay still Kurugi!" Kallen called over the Gurren's external speaker. "This will only take a moment!"
"Kallen stop! This isn't a battle! What's gotten into you?" Suzaku returned, kicking the Lancelot into full speed retreat.
"Oh? Didn't anyone tell you?" Kallen said savagely as she chased after him, launching like a maniac the whole way. "Pizza delivery… is serious business!"
Ashford Academy was having one heck of a party. The confetti was all out, the students were all in costume, there were fireworks in the air, and of course one extra big Pizza that took center stage.
After having failed twice to make the world's largest pizza before her graduation, Milly had finally relented and allowed external contractors to serve the students, who really deserved that Pizza after all the Black Knights had put them through. It was a wee bit expensive… but Milly figured that money was a small price to pay for a colossal Pizza. Naturally, given their extraordinary track record as of late and the fact that the Knights of the Round were employed there, Milly called Dominos.
Almost an hour on, Suzaku was nowhere in sight... again. The students were getting restless. Where was their Pizza?
Fortunately, a strange green haired student Milly could have sworn she'd never seen before had come up and advised her to call Pizza Hut. She was even nice enough to pay for it herself (out of Lelouch's credit card, although the poor sucker wouldn't find out about it until later).
Fifteen minutes later, the Pizza were triumphantly delivered by Kallen Stadfelt, Milly's old friend who was actually a terrorist in disguise.
Despite the fact Kallen was a wanted terrorist, the extra speedy delivery time and the fact she looked really hot in that uniform did much to allay any remaining hostilities between Kallen and the student body. Adding to that, thefact that Black Knight R&D figured out how to make extra large stuffed crust pizzas was another bonus. Those generous people in Pizza Hut even threw in a few dozen buckets of their spicey wings just for the hell of it.
Kallen had left the academy, cheered as a hero by the jubilant student body by delivering their Pizza to them.
This would probably be the last time any of those kids ever dial for Dominos. Slowly but surely, the Black Knights were unintentionally winning over the public with their Pizza.
Meanwhile, Suzaku still hadn't appeared.
Then finally, an hour and a half later, the Lancelot made its triumphant entrance…
…by crashing in a wreaked heap behind the back of the Ashford Academy residence of Lelouch Lamperouge.
It was actually a true testament to Suzaku's piloting skill really. Sure the Lancelot was a complete wreck, missing its head and a leg, was billowing smoke from its float pack and had horrendous gashes raked across its torso, but it's precious cargo didn't have a single mark on it.
There was just enough life left in the Lancelot to use a finger to pop open the box to show a pristine, untouched Pizza, ready for human consumption, before shutting down and becoming still.
The student body, still enjoying Pizza Hut's labor in the main courtyard, didn't even notice the fallen Knight of Seven.
However, two people did. C.C. and V.V. moseyed over to the fallen knight, one wearing a Cheese-kun costume, the other wearing a Dominos Pizza hat and T-shirt.
"My Pizza still arrived faster than yours, even when I called later. Pizza Hut wins." C.C. taunted.
V.V. brushed it off. "Ah, but would you look at the state of my delivery man?" As if to demonstrate his point, a loud 'bang' sounded from somewhere in the wreck that was once the Lancelot Conquesta. "The poor lad has been through hell to get that Pizza to me. It's that dedication that reminds me why I pledge my allegiance to Dominos."
A loud groan of metal signaled a dazed Suzaku extracting himself from the wreckage. Stumbling shakily on his feet and trying to blink the stars from his eyes, the Knight of Seven stumbled over to the two figures. Unable to even see their faces properly, Suzaku still tried to carry out his sworn duty to the best of his now limited ability.
"That… that... would be… how much was it again…?" the 'poor lad' was able to say out before collapsing in an undignified heap on the ground. At that moment, the auto eject system for the Lancelot finally kicked in, firing the cockpit section of the broken machine into the building beside it. Interestingly, the cockpit went into Lelouch's room, ultimately destroying it.
"Oh ho! Lelouch isn't going to be very happy when he sees that!" C.C. said with glee. Justice was served!
"Why? He barley sleeps in there anymore." V.V. pointed out.
"His Nunnally photo collection was in there."
V.V. paused. "Oh. I see."
And so, Suzaku Kurugi had learned an important lesson that day; Pizza delivery was serious business.
"This is Q-1 to Magic Eye. Reporting mission success. Delivery of enemy cargo was rendered impossible. Tip was secured. Over."
"Good work Q-1. Return to base and await your next sortie. Pizza Hut, Banzai!"
"Pizza Hut, Banzai!"
(Pizza Delivery IS Serious Business.)