Chapter 1: The First Taste
Thunder rumbled in the dark sky and the rain was coming down heavy outside. Dean could hear the drops pattering against the window of the motel room. He stood up and walked over to it. He raised his hand slowly and pushed back the curtain. Hazel eyes searched the parking lot for the Impala.
Sam had left earlier in the night while Dean was sleeping and took the car, which Dean wasn't too happy about. He trusted his younger brother but that Impala was his baby. He let Sam drive it but he wanted to be around when he was. But other things had happened this last week night that distracted his mindset. Major things, bad things.
Five days had passed since Dean woke up in a pine box and clawed his way out of his own grave through six feet of dirt. He could still feel the cold dirt in his mouth and nostrils, nearly suffocating him. Dean refused to give up though. He made it to the top and his hands felt open air. He gasped for breath as he pulled himself out of the hole.
With those horrific memories still fresh in his mind Dean had tried to maintain himself. He, Sam and Bobby went looking for answers. For just what it was that pulled Dean out of hell. And a few nights ago, Dean found out.
Castiel, an angel, a warrior of the Lord, or so he claimed told Dean that he was the one that snatched his soul. Castiel said it was God's will, that the almighty Holy one has plans for Dean. Dean didn't know what the hell to make of it.
Once he got back to the motel, Sam was there. His brother was laying on his bed as the dim glow of the television illuminated the room. Dean told Sam everything that had happened. Several arguments stemmed from that. Sam wanted to believe that Castiel really was an angel and that Dean served some holy purpose for the world but Dean couldn't believe it. It made no sense. If there was even a God, why would he care about him? He was nobody, yeah maybe he's saved some people but that didn't make him a saint. Dean had no hope in himself, he didn't deserve it.
Dean let go of the curtain and turned away from the window. He looked at his watch, it was a little past 2 am and still no Sam. Where could he have gone? This was the second time since Dean's come back from the dead that Sam has gone out in the middle of the night with the Impala.
He sat down on one of the beds and fiddled with the silver ring on his finger. He would have tried to call Sammy's cell but he noticed that Sam had left it behind. It was sitting on the desk along with one of his coats.
Dean blinked slowly as the sleep stinged at his eyes. But he couldn't go to bed yet, not until Sam returned. He reached for the remote and flipped the TV on.
The familiar rumble of the Impala approached, Sam turned into the lot and pulled into the parking space outside of their motel room. He saw the light was on and that meant Dean was up. Sam killed the engine and took a deep breath. He hoped Dean didn't suspect anything. About why he left and what he was doing.
Sam sighed, he couldn't tell Dean yet that he's been meeting with Ruby so he could learn more about the powers that he possessed. Dean wouldn't understand. And with this news about an angel, of all things, that was what yanked Dean from Hell made the situation even more difficult. How would his brother understand?
As the rain fell down on the windshield Sam leaned his head back against the seat rest. Despite that, he was ecstatic to have his brother back. Sam had been so lost without him. There were times during the last four months where Sam just wanted to die. He had hit rock bottom and the void that Dean had left in him was as hollow as his soul. Sam tried everything he could to get Dean back. He went to the Devil's gate in Wyoming and tried to open it. He traveled to Mississippi and tried to bargain a deal out of the Crossroads demon but the thing wouldn't budge. Nothing worked, everything Sam did out of complete desperation hit a dead end.
The closest Sam ever came to ending it all was on a night two months ago. He'd been investigating a lead on Lilith in Philadelphia. He'd gotten there too late though. Lilith was already gone and left a trail of bodies behind as her mark. Out of grief and failure to save those people and Dean, Sam pulled into an abandoned parking lot. He opened the glove compartment and took out one of his guns, a silver 9mm Glock. He loaded in the clip and his hand shook as he raised the gun to his head. His finger was steady on the trigger. Sam closed his eyes as a tear ran down his cheek. He wanted to do it. His pain would be over with just one shot. That was until he heard Dean's voice in his head.
"Sammy remember what Dad taught you..remember what I taught you.."
Sam's eyes widened and he dropped the gun. He realized this wasn't right, he promised Dean that he would keep fighting. He had to keep going, for his brother.
That was then, and Sam blinked, back at the present. He tucked the car keys into his coat pocket and got out of the Impala. The rain was heavy now. He shielded his head and swiped the room card through the lock.
Dean looked over when the door opened. Sam came in, his coat was soaked and water dripped from the ends of his long hair. Dean turned the TV off and stood up. His little brother pulled his jacket off and looked at him.
"Hey" he said.
"Where have you been?" Dean asked.
Sam draped his coat over a chair "I couldn't sleep so I went out to get a beer".
Dean frowned "a beer?".
Sam gave him a look "yeah, why? You don't believe me?".
Dean didn't answer for a moment, then he shrugged slightly "no, it's not that"
"Then what is it Dean?".
The older Winchester tossed the remote onto the bed. He ran a hand over his head, his ring gleamed in the light of the room "it's just you going out in the middle of the night Sam and taking my car, this is the second time".
"You're pissed because I took the car?" Sam asked, he paused for a moment and then said "fine I'm sorry, I'll just walk then okay?".
Dean studied his brother's face. Sam's eyes showed emptiness and there was something else, something different. Sam was different.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Dean crackled his knuckles, then licked his lips and walked back over to Sam "is something going on with you Sammy?".
Sam looked at him "what do you mean?'.
"Just seems like something is bothering you".
At that moment, Sam wanted to tell Dean. About everything. He even opened his mouth slightly but no words came out. He couldn't tell his brother, not yet.
He cleared his throat "there's nothing bothering me, I'm fine" he said and turned away from Dean.
Sam unbuttoned his wet flannel and pulled it off. He wore a white t-shirt underneath. Dean watched Sam as he did this. He bit his lip.
"When are we going talking about it Sam?"
Sam kept his back turned to Dean "talk about what?".
Dean sighed "I'm back now, and don't know why, some supernatural thing claims to be an angel from God and that I have work for him but it's gotta be a lie, it makes no sense"
Sam looked at Dean "why does it have to be a lie? Why can't you believe it Dean? Do you have that little faith in yourself? Do you think you're that worthless?".
Sam reached up and put his hands on both sides of Dean's face "listen to me, I'm alive because of you, you've saved my life and other people's lives too, why can't you think that God wants you here? You have a purpose Dean, it's time you start believing that".
Dean looked into Sam's eyes "but why me? I don't deserve anything, I'm not a hero".
"Yeah you are, you're my hero, I've looked up to you since I was four, I always wanted to be like you" He placed his forehead against Dean's "I still do" he said just above a whisper.
Dean sucked back a breath; he and Sam stared at each other for a long moment. His heart was pounding in his chest. He put his hands on Sam's shoulders and slid them up the back of his neck. His thumbs traced the ends of his brother's hair. Sam's mouth moved closer to Dean's.
'No this is wrong…it's wrong…but it feels so right..'
Their lips touched and Dean kissed him hard. Sam responded with the same intensity and pushed Dean back into the wall. Their mouths moved together in a passionate kiss. Sam ran his hands down Dean's sides and slid them underneath his shirt. He traced the outline of the muscles on Dean's back.
They turned around hitting the desk. Dean knocked over the lamp and reached down to unbuckle his pants. Sam clutched the front of Dean's shirt and panted. He cupped the amulet that hung from it's leather cord, a gift he'd given Dean years ago, and kissed him again.
Dean suddenly pulled away, Sam opened his eyes and looked at him.
"Dean…?" he asked softly.
Dean looked horrified, he held onto the waist of his jeans and turned around. He went into the bathroom and slammed the door.
Sam ran his hands through his hair. He looked at the closed door to the bathroom and could hear the sink running inside.
Part of him wanted to knock on that door but he never did. Instead, Sam was on spaghetti legs as he crawled into his bed. He pulled the covers up to his chin. He could still taste his brother on his lips.
Dean didn't come out of the bathroom until an hour later, Sam had fallen asleep. They never spoke about what happened between them.