Disclaimer: I own no ninjas, alas. That's why I have to borrow Kishimoto's to play with.
Summary: Now that they're jounin, husbands, and fathers, the men of the Konoha 11 get together once a week to commiserate about their sex lives...only Naruto doesn't seem to get point when he talks about his marriage to Sasuke.
Author's Note: Just a silly, random idea that popped into my head one day. Nothing in this fic should be taken too seriously. As for the various het pairings that get mentioned, they were determined entirely by which made the best joke, and should not in any way be taken as the be-all and end-all of shipping. Also, if someone's spouse is not mentioned by name, you can assume that they're not married to anyone who's ever appeared in Naruto. Just because I know someone will ask. :P
"Hey, look who's here!" Kiba said in surprise, waving Naruto over as he stepped through the door of the bar.
Shikamaru, whose chin was resting against his folded arms atop the bar counter, just grunted in acknowledgement.
Chouji gave him a reassuring pat on the back before scootching over to let Naruto sit on the stool between him and Neji.
"Naruto-san!" Lee greeted enthusiastically, leaping up to offer Naruto a manly hug (in a completely platonic, straight friend way of course, since Lee would never want to threaten Naruto's marriage in that way) and all but shoved him over into the vacant seat.
"Hey, hey!" Naruto greeted with a wave. "The whole gang really is here, huh?" He nodded to Shino who was sitting silently in the shadows at the edge of the bar.
"Everyone but your worse half," Sai agreed with that evil smile of his. "Shouldn't you be off polishing his knob right now?"
"Gah!" Naruto's face turned red. "Don't say things like that! If Sasuke-bastard heard you…"
"Hn," Neji nodded in agreement. "That's the first rule: Everything that's said on Commiseration Night stays in this bar."
Naruto pondered that for a moment. "That's a good rule. Sasuke's a very private person, you know. If he knew I was talking to you guys about him, he'd probably run a Chidori through my head or something."
"Through your head?" Sai's smile faltered. "You're lucky."
Kiba snorted at him. "You're the one who married Ino. You're surprised you have to face the consequences?"
Sai's expression turned wicked. "When was the last time you had sex with your wife, again? Because, given your complaining, I calculate that it's been five weeks, six days—"
"Enough, enough!" Kiba glared at him. "You've made your point already."
Naruto scratched his head at this display. "Wow. You guys really do talk about everything, don't you?"
"Where else are we going to talk about it?" Chouji shrugged.
"With our wives?" Neji shuddered at the thought.
"While I love my Tenten with all my heart and soul, she would castrate me before dismembering my body and scattering the pieces to the four corners of the earth," Lee agreed with a sigh. "What a woman! Such strength! Such fire! Such—"
"Yeah, yeah," Shikamaru mumbled into his arms. "We've heard it all before."
"The virtues of such a rare and precious blossom must be shouted far and wide for all to hear!" Lee insisted, shocked that Shikamaru might be even the slightest bit tired of his 'glorious Tenten' speech.
"Except for the part where she'll castrate you for doing it," Neji retorted with a quirk of his lips.
Lee's expression fell. "My worthy rival makes a valid point."
"Anyway," Kiba took control of the meeting of Konoha's Happily Married Jounin once more before it could descend in to chaos again, "it was Shikamaru's turn, by virtue of the fact that he looks the most depressed this evening."
Shikamaru grunted into the table.
"What did Temari do this time?" Kiba demanded.
Naruto scratched his head and watched Shikamaru half melt into the bar. Naruto had had a standing invitation to join this weekly party for ages now, but this was the first time he'd ever been able to make it. He was starting to wonder if it maybe wasn't as much fun as he'd thought it would be, chatting with the guys about their delinquent spouses.
"I've been sleeping on the couch for a week now," Shikamaru finally complained. "She still won't tell me what I did wrong. I've tried flowers, chocolates, everything!"
"Eh?" Naruto blinked at him. "Flowers and chocolates won't help. That's just making the problem worse."
Everyone froze and stared at him.
"What?" Naruto laughed nervously. "I thought we were supposed to offer advice?"
"We are," Chouji finally choked out, looking a bit awed at Naruto's presence. "But, Naruto, you know how to fix things once you've gotten kicked out onto the couch?"
Several eager nods followed Chouji's question like Naruto knew the secret of the Fountain of Youth.
"Well, yeah," Naruto answered in surprise. "That one's easy."
"What do you do?" Neji asked in disbelief.
"Take a week's worth of D-Rank missions and learn some basic carpentry," Naruto answered with a shrug.
He got seven very blank looks in response.
Shikamaru, super-genius of their generation and captain of the strategic intelligence division, furrowed his brow. "I don't follow."
"Well, it's all about money, right? Sasuke must have lectured me a thousand times on how the Uchiha fortune isn't infinite."
"Our wives are kicking us out on the couch because of money?" Kiba asked, confused. "I thought it was because I was an 'insensitive dolt.'"
"Yeah, Sasuke calls me an idiot all the time, too. It's mostly background noise," Naruto insisted. "What he really means is that he's pissed that I'm wasting so much money by breaking the bed every other night, so to make it up to him, I take a whole bunch of crappy missions to pay for it myself and then I learned how to fix the most basic damage so we didn't always have to buy a new bed. He's much happier now!"
Halfway through Naruto's speech, Kiba and Neji managed to swallow their sake wrong and started hacking, Shikamaru and Chouji's jaws dropped in disbelief, Sai started laughing uncontrollably, and Shino blinked a lot.
That left Lee to respond to Naruto's rather unique solution. "Sasuke-san made you sleep on the couch because you broke the bed?"
Naruto grinned sheepishly. "Well, yeah. I don't mean to! But whenever the handcuffs come out, I get a little excited and…things break sometimes. So we both used to end up sleeping on the couch afterwards, and Sasuke would get pissy. But now I can fix most things by the time Sasuke gets out of the shower, so it's all good."
"You mean," Neji had finally regained his breath. On the other side of him, Sai was still laughing. "Sasuke doesn't kick you out of bed to make you go sleep on the couch by yourself whenever you piss him off?"
Naruto frowned. "Why would he do that? It would just make it harder for us to have sex every night. Because he's always pissed about something."
Kiba started coughing again at that. "You have sex every night?" he squeaked in disbelief.
"Well, yeah. That's why we got married in the first place."
"You got married to have sex every night?" Shikamaru gaped.
"Yeah. Before sometimes we had to miss a night because we got off missions late or weren't assigned to the same missions or whatever. But, once we were married, we could request all the same missions, so it wasn't a problem anymore."
"B-But Naruto…" Chouji blinked at him, confused. "You and Sasuke have been married for seven years!"
"Yeah?" Naruto agreed.
"You're telling me," Kiba said incredulously, "that you and Sasuke have had sex every day straight for seven years?"
Naruto nodded happily.
Everyone else gawked at him.
"You and Sasuke never fight?" Shikamaru demanded.
"Huh? What are you talking about. We fight all the time! Every Sunday night, in fact."
Neji dreaded to ask. "Why Sundays?"
Naruto blushed. "Well, we alternate every day of the week who gets to be on top. Except there's seven days in a week, so Sunday is the wild card day where we get to fight for position." Naruto's blush deepened. "Although some Sundays one of us decides that we don't want to fight too hard."
Shino was blinking at him in a very regular rhythm. Naruto wondered if it was Morse Code or something.
Chouji laughed nervously. "Well, I never would have thought that of Sasuke, of all people…"
"Who knew even Sasuke could like penises that much?" Sai agreed.
"What are you talking about?" Naruto shook his head. "Sasuke is a horny, perverted bastard. Sometimes it takes hours to satisfy him, in all sorts of weird positions, with props and everything!"
"You have sex for hours every night?" Neji repeated, wondering if he'd gone deaf to compensate for his excellent vision.
"With weird positions?" Shikamaru bemoaned.
"And toys?" Chouji added.
"Sure," Naruto agreed. "That's what marriage is for, right?"
Kiba let out a noise that sounded like a sob. "Five children!" he exclaimed morosely into his sake. "She says she'll kill me if I get her pregnant again!"
"But five children is good, right?" Naruto frowned at this. "I mean, that's the hardest part with me and Sasuke. He needs to revive his clan, but we have to go to the hospital to do this whole complicated genetic recombination process that doesn't even work most of the time, and then neither of us can carry a child, so we have to go through a surrogate, so it's a whole mess. You should be happy that you just have to have sex, and you get a new baby!"
Kiba's eyes darted around nervously. "Don't say that!" he hissed. "She might hear you, and then I'll never get laid again!"
"But you're married," Naruto insisted. "It's both of your jobs to get each other laid!"
"You can actually say that?" Chouji blinked in awe. "Out loud?"
"Sure, why not? It's true, isn't it? Sasuke-bastard says it, too, whenever I'm trying to watch a movie or something and he wants more action."
Shikamaru raised his head from the bar at that and narrowed his eyes. He had a new mission now, he decided. Naruto's marriage just couldn't be the utopia it seemed like right now. "Maybe that's true, Naruto, but it's Commiseration Night, which means we discuss what's wrong with our marriages, not what's right."
"Oh, sorry," Naruto chuckled sheepishly. "I forgot about that."
"Yes, tell us, Naruto," Sai smiled. "What problems do you and Sasuke have? Is he bothered by your excessively small penis?"
"H-Hey!" Naruto face turned red, and he pointed an accusing finger. "I'll have you know that I've grown since I was fifteen! Sasuke has nothing to complain about!"
"Oh, really? That must have been quite a unique growth-spurt then, because the rest of you hasn't gotten any bigger."
"Ack! Die!" Naruto exclaimed and tried to leap over Neji to beat Sai up.
"Ack!" Neji exclaimed for entirely different reasons.
"Hey!" Kiba complained. "No fighting allowed!"
Chouji merely used his partial size technique to grow his hands out and lift both Naruto and Sai away from the poor, traumatized Neji.
"Ah, heh-heh, sorry about that, but you heard him!" Naruto sulked.
"No insulting Naruto's penis size, either," Kiba added. "Obviously, Sasuke is more than satisfied."
Naruto nodded vigorously in agreement with this statement.
Sai just shrugged and returned to his sake.
"So, Naruto, it was your turn," Shikamaru pressed, slow and methodical in his attack. "What troubles your paradise?"
"Well," Naruto bit his lip nervously, "there is one thing…"
"Yes? Yes?" Everyone leaned in closer.
"Sasuke refuses to let me eat ramen for dinner every night, because he says it's bad for my health. So I only get to eat it every other night. And then he makes me heat it up myself, because he insists on making 'real food' for himself instead." Naruto stared morosely down at the bar. He loved Sasuke with all his heart, but how could someone so precious to him be so wrong on the issue of ramen?
Several frustrated exclamations followed this speech.
"That's your biggest problem?" Lee asked, astounded. "He doesn't yell at you for leaving the toilet seat up, even?"
"There must be something worse," Shikamaru insisted. "Doesn't he act all PMSy, and when you ask what's wrong, he just says 'nothing' and then gets mad at you for believing him?"
"Sasuke doesn't ever announce out the blue, 'We need to talk?'" Neji demanded.
"He doesn't demand that you tell him whether clothing makes him look fat?" Sai pressed.
"He doesn't even try to ban all ramen from the house permanently?" Chouji at least sounded a little sympathetic, but not too much.
"He doesn't get pissed as hell every time he asks you a question, and you say 'sure' or 'whatever you want' because you don't fucking care, and then threaten to take a hedge clippers to your anatomy because the last time it went near him, you ended up with triplets?" Kiba flailed.
Naruto shook his head. "Uh, no. None of that."
"Unbelievable," Shino spoke his one and only word of the night.
"If you guys are having problems like that, maybe you should stop complaining in bars and go home and spend time with your wives," Naruto offered.
He received seven death glares in response.
Fortunately, he was saved from whatever retaliation might await him for that suggestion by the arrival of his own 'wife.' Or maybe Naruto was the wife. Or neither of them were. That had always confused Naruto a bit, so he usually just avoided the term altogether.
"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto waved even though Sasuke was already headed over their way. "Over here!"
"Thanks for the directions," Sasuke muttered, coming to a halt beside Naruto's barstool. He pointedly ignored the fact that there was anyone else present. "I could never have spotted you in your camouflage-orange uniform."
Naruto made a face at him but jumped up to give him a quick peck on the nose. "You done with your paperwork?" he asked hopefully, slipping his arms around Sasuke's waist.
Sasuke, to all outward appearances, looked like his usual icy self, disdainfully tolerating his spouse's affection. "Hn," he agreed, before his voice dropped to a deep, gravelly purr. "Let's go home."
"Okay!" Naruto agreed happily before turning back to the rest of the group. "It was fun, guys! We should totally do this again some time."
Sasuke's fingers locked forcefully around Naruto's, and he dragged him away.
"Say 'hi' to all the kids for me, Kiba! And good luck with the couch thing, Shikamaru! And—" Naruto's farewells trailed off as Sasuke propelled him out the front door.
The rest of the table blinked at where they'd vanished.
"You know they're going to go have hot, kinky sex right now, right?" Kiba all but sobbed.
"What a pain, but it can't be as good as he makes it sound," Shikamaru insisted.
"He just didn't understand the concept of Commiseration Night," Chouji nodded to himself.
"I don't know…" Sai said thoughtfully. "Sasuke's always been a bit cock-obsessed…"
Neji scowled at him. "I think you're confusing Sasuke and yourself."
"That must be it," Kiba agreed. "Naruto just didn't get it. No one is that happy with their marriage. It's not like we should actually follow Naruto's crazy advice."
Nods abounded all around.
"Now," Kiba continued, satisfied in this decision. "I believe it was Lee's turn."
Of course, unbeknownst to them, while they did their usual round of complaints, Naruto managed to fuck Sasuke five times, in five different rooms of their home, and in five different positions. Once, because Sasuke was feeling particularly generous that evening, he even let Naruto use ramen as a sex toy.
Everyone else was much happier not knowing this, though, so in the end, it all worked out.
Thanks for reading my random insanity, and reviews always fill me with squee.