Notes: Done for pexylexy's prompt at jpex, 'How can it hurt when I feel no pain? / How can it heal if I look the same? / I've been searching all my mornings for the last breath of a dream / Are you drowning or just waving / Cause I'm tearing at the seams'.
Title: In Silence's Keep
Words: 1 082 words
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, meaning I'm not making any cash off this. So scram. Meyer owns 'em.
In Silence's Keep
Have you ever done something incredibly and horribly stupid that's cost you something that's very precious to you? No? Then let me enlighten you.
It's like a ragged hole has been ripped open in your chest and all you can feel is this horrid, black feeling and immense guilt because it's all your fault. You don't register anything anymore like it's happening to you, it's like your seeing it secondhand; think of yourself like an outside observer watching a play or a television show. You don't want to believe it's happening, but it is.
Suddenly everything reminds you of them, even the small things, and it's like rubbing sand paper over raw wounds. Nothing holds your interest anymore and you just seem to float through life, like it's a miracle that you make it from day to day. What you really want to do is just lie down and sleep, and never wake up.
It's too damn bad that I can't.
To me, one who can't die, one who will live forever, it's like... well it's not something that's very easy to describe. I guess, it's like losing your heart or your will to live; whatever small purpose or little thing that you've given your everything too is gone now, and there's nothing left for you. For me, it's as if the sun that was in my sky has gone forever and I'm just lost; wander in the dark that is my eternal night.
If only for him, I hope that there's something else beyond this existence. He deserves another chance, he deserves whatever heaven is there for him; something that I don't think I ever gave him. I failed him.
What's there for me?
I should never... if I hadn't called out for him at that moment, if I hadn't distracted him, then he would still be alive now, and I wouldn't be facing this. It's all my fault.
They all say that it's not my fault, that I should stop blaming myself for what's happened, but... I know, I know that deep-down it is. Had I been stronger, if I had believed in him more... I can't put this behind me; I never will. For him, I have to keep remembering, I can't ever let his memory go. All that is keeping his memory alive and in this world is me. I can't let him down.
"You worry too much, that's not good for you."
Just for you, if I lost you, I don't know what I would do. So just... let me worry about you, okay?
"Ha ha! You know you'll never catch me Edward! I've always been faster then you!"
Not true. I caught you in one regard, and you know it! You know that I love you, and that I'm not ever going to let you go.
I can't stand it. I can't stand this place, this house, this town, this... world. All I want is for my own pitiful existence to be over, somehow, so that I can find him. Everything I ever wanted, I found it in him, and he was all that truly kept me sane in this demented waste of what had become my life. For him I'd have done anything, I still would, but he's gone now.
Every day, I keep expecting to hear his voice calling me out to hunt, race, just go out and enjoy the sun and watch as it sparkles off of him; and that hurts. It tears at my already still, and tattered heart, making the wound only pain me even more. Everywhere I go I am reminded of him, and I can't stand it. Just hearing his name whispered in quiet conversation between the other members of my 'family' pains me to no end.
"... can't go on, not like this... Carlisle, you know... it's tearing him apart... Jasper meant..."
The words float in and out, with not a lot registering in my mind. But his name sears itself into my heart and mind, leaving yet another lash of guilt across my back. Jasper...
What I would not give to have him here right now. The others all know better now then to approach me, they know how frayed my temper has become, how I'll lash out at them without warning or abandon. Some part of me is hoping that they'll take pity on me and just end it all and save me the pain of having to go on without him.
"Edward... need to... you're starving..."
Just leave me here...
Esme's pleas barely reach my ears, I keep tuning her out until she finally leaves me alone in our room, lying on the couch that we once used to share whenever the need for just some quiet time over came us. TIme for just the two of us, away from the others.
The memories remain as sharp and clear as ever, a side-effect of my enhanced mind. I can remember every word, every touch we exchanged here, and all I want is to go back so that I can just have that simple and happy time again. All I want back is him, why is that so much to ask?
Ahhh... d-don't do that...!
"And why not? You love it when I do that."
Jas... per...! ... please!
How many times did this couch bear witness to our lovemaking? His smell still lingers in the fabric, and I pray that it doesn't fade, at least, not until I'm gone from this world. I inhale deeply, that faint smell of lavender, pine, and something unique to just him. That smell is something that I never want to let go of, it's all I have left of him.
Slowly, I'm wasting myself away, weakening myself. I can hardly move anymore I haven't drank in so long, but I don't care anymore. Carlisle's threats to poor blood down my throat if I don't hunt don't even matter to me anymore, I just hope that he'll give up on me soon and just end it. I can't end it on my own... please...
I just want to die.
None of them grant my wish, instead, they just leave me there to waste away because they want me to move on. I'm not human, I don't have a brief existence in front of me, the one in front of me is long, dark, and lonely; and all I want is for it to end. They don't understand, they would only understand if they lost what I have... and I do not have the strength to take that from them.
I have nothing left.
So please... just.... end it all...
The result of too little sleep and too much Coke. I fear that the angst and tragic muses are beginning to eat away at my ability to write anything happy or even fluffy... gosh, I should maybe try a less angsty pairing or maybe just try out another fandom...
And yes, I know I am evil. Now give me a cookie!