Title: Silent All These Years

Author: JenCarpeDiem

E-mail: JenCarpeDiem14@aol.com

Rating: PG-13

Feedback: Yes please! My first BTVS fic that I've had the guts to post.

Disclaimer: The characters belong to UPN and Fox, I own nothing, I'm not making any money out of this fic, the lyrics belong to Tori Amos.

Spoilers: Season 4.

Distribution: Just e-mail me about it. I like to know where my stuff is going.

Summary: A kind of angsty fic, about Willow. Not sure how to summarise it.

Notes: This fic so far is a stand-alone, but if I receive enough feedback, I might consider doing a sequel.

[ ] indicates flashback.

WARNING: Do not read if child abuse upsets you, I haven't been too vivid, but it's implied.


Willow ran up to her room, crying, wondering what she'd done to deserve this. She collapsed onto the bed crying, clutching her teddy bear, Santa, she remembered when her mother had given it to her one year, when Willow was too young to understand that her family didn't celebrate christmas and threw a tantrum, demanding presents. When her sobs had subsided into quiet whimpers she reached over and turned on her radio, she caught the middle of the song..

Years go by will I still be waiting

For somebody else to understand

Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty

And the orange clouds raining in my head

Years go by will I choke on my tears

Till finally there is nothing left

One more casualty

You know we're too




She sat numb, not listening to the words, but registering them in some part of her brain.

Hey but I don't care

Cause sometimes

I said sometimes I hear my voice

I hear my voice

I hear my voice

And it's been


silent all these years

I've been here

silent all these years

Silent all these

Silent all these


She turned off the radio quickly as her sobs came back again, along with memories from only a few minutes ago..

[ 1 hour earlier: Willow walked into the house quietly, hoping not to attract attention, as she turned to lock the door she felt someone touch her shoulder.

Quickly she spun around, "Dad! Hey, what's up?" He just looked at her angrily, his breath smelt of alcohol again, Willow's pulse started to race, "Dad, how much did you drink?" She waited for an answer, seeing that she wasn't going to get one she tried again, "Dad? It's Willow, where's mom?" Her father just looked at her.

Then suddenly he backhanded her harshly, she stumbled backwards, leaning against the door for support.

"Dad? MOM! Where are you?" She called out, with one hand on her face, she reached behind her, slowly unlocking the door, wanting to get out of there, to run to Xander's as she had so many times before.

"Willow, what are you doing out so late? Your mother and I were worried, how dare you scare us like that!" Her father yelled in her face, pointing into the living room, where Willow could see her mother passed out on the couch.

"Oh god, Mom!" She tried to run into the living room, but her father grabbed her arm before she could, spinning her around so she hit the wall, slamming her nose against it. "Dad, I was studying! I told mom to tell you, I'm sorry daddy, please.." She begged desperately, trying so hard to escape him, he just stared at her, with eyes of steel, uncaring.

"You should've come and told me, I don't care why you didn't, you should have. You're a naughty girl Willow, you deserve to be punished." With that he struck her again, and again, repeatedly, until she was lying on the floor, her face covered in blood.

"Daddy.." She pleaded, "Please stop, please, I'll never stay out so late again, please." She begged, losing any shred of dignity, becoming consumed with desperation. Ira Rosenburg picked her up and threw her onto the stairs.

"Go to your room and think about what you did." He stated, as if nothing had happened. ]

Willow got up and checked again, it must have been the fourth time now, that her door was locked. Satisfied that it was locked and Ira was unable to enter she curled up on her bed again, looking over at her laptop.

"You have email" it informed her, she suddenly remembered that she was supposed to have gotten rid of AOL a while ago.

"I do?" She said to herself and walked over to the laptop, wondering who it was from.

"Hey Willow,

It's Cordy, long time no see, huh?

Missing you, and everyone, funny how I hated you while I was in Sunnydale, but I miss you now that I'm in L.A, oh well.

How are you? Still gay? Lol, sorry, couldn't help it.

Um, Oz stopped by a few days ago, asked if I'd heard from you, I realised that I hadn't emailed you at all, and for the last week I haven't stopped worrying about all the scooby gang, killed any big baddies lately?

Better go before Angel starts moaning at me to do more work! Reply soon!

Cordelia Chase"

Willow sat back down on the bed, old forgotten memories finding their way back to her thoughts..

[ 10 years ago: Willow ran outside and straight to the playground, looking for Xander, this is where his mother had said he was, she needed to find him now.

"Xander! Where are you?!" She screamed frantically, finally spotting him talking to Cordelia 'what are you doing talking to her Xander?' she thought quickly, but ran upto him anyway. "Xander!" She cried as he spun around, hearing fast footsteps behind him,

"Will? What?" He whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. He cupped her face with one hand and tilted her chin upwards, trying to get a good look at her face. "Oh god Will, not again." He whispered quickly as he saw the new bruises forming on her face, the result of her father's excessive drinking. Willow heard Cordy ask "What?" as Xander hugged Will tight. Turning in his arms Will looked at Cordy, shocked when the girl looked upset, at the marks on Willow's face. Cordy asked what had happened, Willow just looked down and hugged Xander tighter. She was unsure of what happened next, but she thought she remembered Cordy hugging her from behind, the next thing she remembered was waking up in Xander's room and seeing him watching her intently. ]

Willow opened her window and climbed out carefully and quietly, jumping a few metres down onto the ground she sighed in relief when nobody came running outside to see what the gentle thud was.

Spike was walking down the middle of the road humming the theme tune to Passions, when suddenly he heard fast footsteps, he looked around and saw Willow running down the sidewalk, crying.

"Well well, what do we have here?" He asked himself and ran upto Willow, grabbing her shoulders and covering her mouth just in time to stifle her scream of surprise.

"Calm down Red!" He cried as she bit into his hand, not seeing who it was.

"Spike?!" She screamed when she heard his voice, "What are you doing here?" She looked down trying to hide her face.

"Out for a walk.." He trailed off suddenly getting déjà vu. "Huh." Willow looked up at him in confusion,

"I.. What?" She asked. Spike smiled, looking down at the floor,

"Nothing.." He looked up and saw her face "Bloody hell Red, what happened?" He asked pulling her closer so he could get a good look at her face, "Who did this to you?" He asked suddenly feeling protective. Willow pulled away from him and looked down at the floor,

"Doesn't matter, I was on my way to Xander's house, I.. will you take me there?" She asked, sounding like a lost little girl. Spike just nodded and walked her to Xander's house in silence, wondering what could've happened to the witch.

Xander jumped up when he heard the knock on his window and quickly opened it, looking outside.

"Xander!" Spike said, "Let me in" Xander looked at him doubtfully,

"And why would I want to do that?" He asked sarcastically. Willow sighed, drawing Xander's attention to her, "Willow? Spike.. what?" Xander asked confused. Spike rolled his eyes and picked Willow up, pushing her through the open window, to Xander.

"I was out for a walk and I saw Red here, running down the street crying, said she was on her way here, I made sure she got here safely, now would someone mind telling me just what the hell is going on here?" He asked impatiently. Xander glared at him, and looked down at Willow, who he was now holding in his arms, he sighed.

"You better come on in then Spike." He said, stepping back to allowed Spike to enter.

"Thank you!" Spike said sarcastically.

Willow clung to Xander's old t-shirt while she slept on his bed, with two people watching her.. and each other. It was obvious that Xander still didn't trust Spike.

"So.. Red's dad did that?" Spike was honestly in shock, Willow had faced almost every type of evil in battle, and won everytime, the only thing that she'd lost to was her own father. "I.. You, how long have you known?" He asked Xander, when he didn't get an answer he looked up and saw Xander's face, the guilt and pain in his eyes, it was obvious that the boy felt just as much pain from Willow's wounds as Willow herself did.

Willow woke up the next morning in Xander's arms,

"Xand?" She whispered.

"Yes Will?" He replied quietly, brushing her hair away from her eyes.

"Thanks." She said uncertainly, but clearly meaning it.

"Anytime Wills" Xander whispered, holding her close again, his eyes filling with tears, "Please get help Willow, I can't.. I can't see you get so hurt, please tell someone" He begged. Willow stiffened in his arms and sat up, looking at him, looking scared. She just shook her head 'no' and curled up with her back against the wall, looking around the room like the terrified little girl she felt she was.

"Willow?" Spike whispered at the scooby meeting, Willow nodded in reply "Can we go outside and talk?" She nodded, exhausted.

They walked outside and say down on one of the benches outside Giles' apartment.

"Red.. How long?" He asked, not needing to elaborate, she knew what he meant. Willow thought for a few moments and replied

"At least 15 years. Well that's when he started doing it to my mom, but 10 years ago he started on me a-and he left her alone. He leaves her alone if I let him hurt me." She whispered, terrified, but feeling safe with Spike. 'Oh Willow, bet you never thought you'd feel this safe with Spike' she thought. Spike sighed, causing Willow to look up at him

"I'm gonna help you. You might not like it, but I am." Willow smiled, for the first time in quite a while.

"I.." She trailed off, unable to think of the words she wanted to say. Instead she just leaned over and hugged Spike. Together they sat, on a bench outside in the warm Californian night, a vampire and witch, locked in a tight, safe embrace.