~ 50 Things I should remember when my wife is pregnant ~

(so that I don't make the same mistakes I did the first time)

By Ron Weasley

1) It is not amusing, upon being told "I'm pregnant', to say, "Pregnant? What's that?"

2) Breathing is still a requirement of survival, even when I have just been told the biggest news in the world. Remember to do it.

3) It is not attractive, no matter how shocked I am, to let my jaw hang open for longer than twenty seconds at a time.

4) Hermione does not like being called Buddha Belly.

5) Nor does she appreciate the suggestion that her stomach is now bigger than her head, or the idea that it will remain that way even after she gives birth.

6) Sardines make Hermione sick. It is not, therefore, amusing to sit eating them in front of her, as she will be violently ill.

7) Hermione being violently ill makes me violently ill.

8) I must not refer to the baby as 'thingy', 'It', or 'the slimy mucus thing in you'. Such comments will not be taken well.

9) Equally, I should take all discussions over names for the baby seriously.

10) I should not, therefore, suggest 'comical' names, including but not limited to the following: 'Turnip Face', 'Orinoco', 'Whiskers', 'Big Bad Bob' and 'The Little Pink Midget That Lived In You'.

11) Nor should I scowl at any names suggested by Hermione, no matter how stupid they sound.

12) "Moxie" is indeed a real name, and if I do not behave myself then my child will be named that.

13) Whatever the gender.

14) It is not funny to squint exaggeratedly at the screen during ultra-sounds claiming that I cannot see the baby.

15) Nor is it funny to pretend suddenly to find the baby and exclaim, "Ahh, he looks like a peanut!"

16) It is not 'bloody weird' to crave coal whilst pregnant. Nor is it 'greedy' to feel the need to eat twenty-three Cauldron Cakes in one sitting whilst pregnant. In fact, any weird taste can be attributed to 'cravings' and I, as an ignorant male, should not pass comment.

17) It is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman to switch unexpectedly from laughing at my considerable wit and charm to firing curses at my feet to make me "dance, Monkey Boy!" whilst she cackles evilly, as punishment for stealing a chip from her plate. Equally it is also perfectly reasonable for her to start crying over the fact she has put her gloves on the wrong hands. It is the result of a magical thing known as Hormones and I should simply nod and smile knowingly, whilst accommodating every crazy mood swing with gentle good humour, however mad and unreasonable it might be.

18) When Hermione is having a Hormone, do not anger her. Do not speak to her, do not breathe in her direction.

19) If rule #18 is somehow broken, hide. Do not come out again until the beast is calmed.

20) Consider developing some kind of secret war bunker in which to hide during aftermath of rule #19, due to the frequency of this happening.

21) Hermione is freakishly strong, particularly when she is annoyed.

22) Hermione does not appreciate it when I wonder aloud whether the baby will inherit Uncle Bilius' nose.

23) Ditto Auntie Muriel's incontinence.

24) I must not make any reference WHATSOEVER to Hermione's ankles, no matter how enormous they are.

25) It is not a good idea to attempt to goad Hermione into an argument, despite how mellow she becomes during pregnancy, as there is always the chance that I will encounter a Hormone of the violent variety.

26) Hormones make Hermione evil.

27) Hermione is freakishly strong, particularly when she is angry and full of Hormones.

28) Chocolate calms Hermione down from most rages.

29) So do books. And Calming Charms. And me shutting up.

30) Hermione does not appreciate it when I pretend that she is going to topple over due to the weight of her stomach.

31) Telling her that her hair will balance it out does not make things better.

32) Take Hermione to hospital as soon as labour begins.

33) Do not tell her that "labour takes hours and hours; we've got ages." This will not be appreciated.

34) Do not, under any circumstances, even hint at the possibility that Hermione is exaggerating about the pain of labour, as she will then ensure that I understand exactly how painful it is.

35) Labour does hurt. Very much so.

36) "What if the baby gets stuck inside you and they can't get it out?" is not a valid question.

37) Nor is "What if when it's born it's got an extra head?"

38) I may only ask serious, non-stupid questions.

39) Do not offer to watch from down south as it were. It is not pleasant and another viewing will potentially cause me to have issues with that area.

40) Do not allow Hermione to 'hold' my hand during labour unless I have first performed a spell to remove all the bones from it, as by the time we are through every one of them will be broken.

41) Do not hover nervously around Hermione's mid-section, dithering over which end is safest to stand at, as it makes me ask inadvisable questions such as "So, when do you think you'll deflate?"

42) Hermione is freakishly strong, particularly when she is in pain.

43) When Hermione growls, "You did this to me", agree and apologise. Do NOT tell her it was a joint decision; the pain of being right is not worth it.

44) If I am overly impressed when the baby is born, it's probably just the umbilical cord. Check before bragging.

45) Similarly, when Hermione asks the gender of the baby, she expects a specific answer.

46) "It's a boy…oh, no wait…it might be a girl…let me just – yeah, it's a girl," is not specific enough an answer.

47) When Hermione asks me "Fingers? Toes?" she expects a number, not a vague, "Yeah, loads of them."

48) It is never a good idea to suggest that the baby is possessed.

49) No matter how much it is wailing or how bloody weird the noise it's somehow managing to make is. Or how red its face has turned.

50) It doesn't matter how much I have annoyed Hermione over the past nine months; the moment she sees our child she will forget everything and love me again.

Author's Note : -

This was a silly idea that popped into my head. I thought Ron would be the perfect character for this kind of style.  Again, I have never been pregnant and have no children, so just like "Worth All The Fat Ankles" this is pure speculation! I'm also working on a one shot to be called "Ron Weasley's Guide to Marriage" which should hopefully be up soon. I hope whoever reads this enjoyed it – if you did, please review before you Favourite it!

Dogstar - Ebony