Assid bored + time = a fanfic

Enjoy.


Itachi,

Naruto said that pursuing you won't do any good. I admit it. You're good at avoiding capture. So I'm writing a letter. Hopefully, this will work. I'll get straight to the point: Give Sakura back.

Your brother,

Sasuke

-

Dear Foolish Little Brother,

After all this years, do you really think I'll just do what you say? You wanted me to 'drop dead' so many times and yet I'm still alive and well (not entirely, but as well as a nearly blind criminal like me can possibly be.)

And, no, I will not be giving the pink-haired nuisance back (although she has been annoying the hell out of me.) Why don't you come and rescue her yourself?

Fondly,

Itachi

-

Bastard,

If I do come, you'll probably just escape again or hurt her. Be warned that if you do, I will personally kill you in the worst way possible. Give. Her. Back.

Getting Dangerously Impatient,

Sasuke

P.S. Don't touch her eyeballs.

-

Foolish Little Brother,

Girls love prince charmings that come and save them to ride off into the sunset. Trust your big brother. I know this stuff.

Sincerely,

Itachi

P.S. Don't worry brother. Green eyes are so last year.

-

Itachi,

How would you know? Fine then. I'll be coming. Meet me near the river in the forest around the Mist Village. Watch your back. I. Will. Kill. You.

Wanting to Kill,

Sasuke

-


Annoying Pest,

HOW DARE YOU?! You are a honorable Uchiha, not some random scumbag. You need to live up to your word, not make empty promises! There was no effort at all in that lousy battle! Now the pink-haired idiot is bawling her eyes out that her precious 'Sasuke-kun' got injured and tries to kill me every time I enter her cell. I have bloody scratches on my arms because of her! And you should know that we Uchihas have...sensitive skin. If they ever scar, I will blame you and only you.

Annoyed and Peeved,

Itachi

-

It ach I,

Naruto (RULES!!!) is riting dis letta fo me sinse you broke me arms. Tell Sakura (Sakura-channn!!! Let her go you bastard!!!) that she shuld keep up her good wurk and keep skratchin dose arms. I will return to kill youuuu and git her bak.

Recovering,

Sasgay

P.S. dis iz Naruto!!! Giv Sakura-chyan bak and I will riward you with 20 bowls of ramen!

-

Sasuke (or should I say 'SasGAY'),

Never let Naruto write your letters for you. That boy is a complete idiot. 'Sasgay'? I hope not. Anyway, your pink-haired freak just killed Kisame. Damn, he was actually useful. Very efficient killer. And somehow, she managed to feed him sushi and he slit his own throat trying to get it back out. Moron. This world is full of idiots. Except you, of course, we share the same Uchiha blood that makes us different. Please hurry, I find myself hungry for a decent battle.

Growing Impatient,

Itachi

P.S. BTW, Pinky says 'hi' and that once you rescue her, she'll reward you with many nights of pleasure. Whatever that means.

-

Itachi,

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

The avenger,

Sasuke (not –gay)

-

Foolish Brother,

That whole 'Princess Bride' thing does not work for you. And what would our dear mother think if she found out that you left her out?

In the future, I do hope you won't mind, but I will be addressing you as simply 'Sasuke', instead of 'foolish little brother'. It is getting quite tiresome to write such a long title for somebody. The bottom portion of this letter is written by Pinky. She threatened that she would call me 'kawaii' if I didn't let her. The horror.

Sasuke-kun! Hi Sasuke-kun! Your brother finnalllyy let me write you something. Sasuke-kun, getting cooped up in here is rather boring…and disgusting. (Great as he is, Itachi often forgets to flush. Ew.) But most of all, it's lonely without you. I mean, Itachi is absolutely gorgeous and all but his vocabulary really is limited. Makes me wonder if you Uchihas did not bother with learning the basic ABCs. Oh and I killed that shark-face Sasuke-kun! It was easy, really, I wonder why no one ever thought of it before. Anyway, please get me out of here dear! You know what you'll get once I get back! –wink-

From,

Itachi (and Sakura! xD)

P.S. Oh and Sasuke dear, I agree with Itachi, the Inigo Montoya thing really does not work for you.

-

Itachi you bastard,

I'm at the location you said the hideout is but I can't find it. There's a river nearby and an inn, that's all. Where. Are. You.

Stop hiding and come out and face me like a man.

Pissed,

Sasuke

P.S. Do not call me 'dear' in front of the enemy, dear.

-

Sasuke,

I am no man, I am a god. Therefore, I have some urgent matters to attend to right now. I will meet you in a week. Same place.

Currently busy (please leave a message after the beep…),

Itachi

-

Itachi,

YOU IDIOT!!! I believe you were the one who told me: 'You need to live up to your word, not make empty promises'. You went back on your word. Now Sakura needs to suffer for another week. The next time we meet, I will cut your heart into 20 pieces and feed them to Kakashi's dogs.

Angry and furious,

Sasuke

-

Little Brother,

Temper temper. Ladies do not like violent, hotheaded men. And I am sure that you do want this certain lady back (although she does punch like a man.)

I apologize for the delay. After going through your previous letters, I realized that you really do want to kill me quite badly. However small the chance is that I may be killed in the upcoming battle, I decided that I still needed to take… precautions. So I went and got laid. 'Live life to the fullest before you die' is what they call it. It was absolutely wonderful, let me tell you. So you better put in extra effort for pinky here if you want to finally become a man too.

Remember same time, same place. Looking forward to it.

Blissfully happy,

Itachi

P.S. You better make the battle tough. Pinky here sure is anticipating a good one. As for the heart being fed to the dogs idea, my heart is rather nutritious and you might want to sharpen up your lousy sword if you want to cut my heart into 20 pieces.

-


Itachi,

I will be there in two days. Make sure that Sakura is unharmed. If she has even a single scratch on her body, then I will immediately make your death a horrible and nasty one.

Eager to Kill,

Sasuke

-

Idiot,

What are you going to do, strip her right there to check for scratches? Hn, always knew you were a perv. But don't worry, I already did the job for you. No scratches, I swear, not even in the most…concealed places. Oh, and change of plans, let's make this a quick battle. I've decided that I really would like to get laid a second time. You should try it too sometime.

Fondly,

Itachi

-

Bastard,

Don't touch her you fucker! I'll deal with you tomorrow.

Pissed,

Sasuke

-

Sasuke,

Now that you mention fucking…..Nah, I was just messing with your head again. Pinky will rip my head off if I get near her and it's my head that attracts ladies you know.

Ooh, protective aren't we? Calm down, foolish boy, you'll be able to be with her tomorrow…if you beat me.

Itching to get laid again,

Itachi

-


Dear Itachi,

I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for us. Sasuke-kun is nice and caring now and the perfect boyfriend. I just fear that we may have overdone it a bit since he won't let me out of his sight (and I really would appreciate some privacy while showering or using the bathroom.) Anyway, I think our plan still went fairly well despite the death threats sent to you. I really hope you didn't mind and I hope I wasn't too bothersome to you during my stay.

Arigatou,

Sakura

-

Pinky,

No problem. It was interesting to see my foolish little brother's reactions. I'm glad that it worked out for you. I don't see why everyone sees me as a bad guy when I help distressed girlfriends. It was nice meeting my little brother's girlfriend although if your children end up having pink hair, I might be forced to kill you.

Take care,

Uchiha Itachi

P.S. Use protection and help my baby brother become a man.


The end.