Chapter eleven: Unbreakable
Sam stares at the calendar and he is surprised to find that it has been eight months since Dean rescued him from Cole. Eight long, pain filled, heartbreaking, life changing months. He can't help but smile slightly, he can't help but be proud of himself for coming so far when he thought that he wouldn't be able to escape the darkness. He'd done it before and then he didn't think he could but what happened eight months ago was nothing like what happened last year. Maybe it had something to do with the fact he had been awake through it; he was awake to see the monster who enjoyed torturing him. He was awake to hear him moan in pleasure while he cried in pain and begged, begged for it to end, for Dean to come, for death.
A person can stand so much pain, but when it never ends you find yourself begging, pleading, hoping and praying for death. But it never comes and you keep screaming, crying for it to end but it doesn't and since death won't come you hope Dean will come. You hope and you pray, you pray so fucking hard, that he will come and it will all go away. But he doesn't come and you find yourself begging for death again.
It doesn't come.
But he does.
And here you stand, eight months later, in your new house and you don't feel the pain anymore and you don't feel the fear as much, then again you have been full of fear for so long you don't really remember what it feels like not to be stricken by it. Never the less you know you have come a long way and the darkness isn't there anymore and the nightmares are less frequent but it doesn't matter as much because you know you have Dean to wake to. You have your new life to wake to.
There were no more demons these days, no more supernatural and no more hunting. It was too hard to go back now, he, they, couldn't see the difference between good and evil anymore. Once it was simple, demons were bad and people were just people, but after Cole, people were just as capable of being the demons. But that didn't matter now, because they didn't live that life anymore, they had left it behind. The sad part was that they had left part of themselves behind as well.
They were so different now, but different was ok, different was good, because though they had changed (a lot) they were actually happier then they had ever been. Which seemed fucked up, since you're not meant to be happy after being raped and brutally tortured but hey, they won't complaining. They were… well they were as close to normal as they had ever been and they had been pretty freaking far from normal. But now they were normal, well as close to normal as two brothers in love with a very, very disturbing and haunting past could be.
But what did it matter? Who cared that they won't completely normal? Besides after all they had seen and been through, normal might as well not exist. Not that Sam cared or Dean for that fact, all they cared about was that things were getting better and life wasn't so bad anymore. Life, in some strange way, was good, still filled with memories of their darkest days, but better. Brighter.
Sam sighed heavily then turned away from the calendar and headed towards the kitchen table, where his coffee stood, steam no longer visible. He pulled out the chair and sat down, sighing once more. He wasn't used to the new apartment yet, he still looked around the room, making sure, always, making sure he was safe. As he examined the room, he found himself to be alone, well expect for Tristan who was sitting on a rug in front of the back door. He smiled at the dog, who wagged his tail and barked.
"Hey, shhh" Sam said in a whisper "Dean's asleep."
"Nope" came Dean's groggy voice, "Dean's awake."
Sam turned to see Dean standing in the archway that led to the lounge room "Morning sunshine" Sam quipped as he took in Dean's bloodshot eyes and dark circles.
"No" he flopped down onto a chair "No, no sunshine" he propped his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his hand "I drank too much."
"I know" Sam said with a hint of a smile "I'll get you some coffee."
"You're the best babe" Dean said yawning, "I am never drinking again."
"Right" Sam placed a coffee down before him "So how was it?"
"Bobby sure knows how to throw a birthday party" Dean said grinning "Wish you stayed longer though."
Sam sat down; eyes downcast "Sorry Dean… still not good in crowds."
Dean took Sam's hand, squeezing it softly "It's fine" Sam looked up now, a trace of a smile on his face "I had a great day and I love what you gave me."
Sam smiled brightly "I'm glad."
Dean smiled back then took a deep drink of his coffee "What's better then a one of a kind Led Zeppelin t-shirt."
"I don't know" Sam was looking at the table again "sex."
Dean nearly choked on his coffee, he sputtered and coughed loudly "Sam!?"
"What?" Sam asked innocently "When was the last time you had sex Dean?"
"A long, long time ago" Dean said and they were so different, because Dean, the old Dean, wouldn't say he hadn't had sex in a long time, hell he wouldn't need to say it because it would not be true.
"Really?" Sam exclaimed.
"Really" Dean said, and there was no smile or cocky grin on his face to say he was joking, "I couldn't."
"Couldn't?" Sam repeated "why not?"
Dean sighed, he once would have told Sam to forget it but these days they talked about their feelings and Dean couldn't not talk about it because he was different now. "It felt wrong" he looked away "I just couldn't… I couldn't" he trailed off, leaving Sam with no real answer.
"Why Dean?" Sam pleaded.
Dean looked up now, "I thought of you… and I couldn't" he lifted his coffee to his lips and took drink before continuing, "I know you were the one who Cole hurt but I couldn't bring myself to… I didn't deserve to have sex while you were forced too. And I know that I have no clue as to how you feel but I couldn't do it. I hated that I would enjoy it when it brought you so much pain."
Sam stared at Dean, his mouth hanging open ajar; he didn't know what to say. He never thought that Dean would be affected so much, affected so goddamn much that he gave up sex all together. "Thank you" were the only words that lifted the silence and Dean looked up and smiled and Sam knew thank you was all that needed to be said.
It's a week after Dean's twenty-eighth birthday and Sam knew, he knew he was ready. He watched Dean through the window, he was reading the morning paper on the front porch and it was a little too normal even in their near close to normal lives. But Sam wasn't thinking about how much they had changed, no, he was thinking about the dream he had five nights ago. He'd once again found himself in the dark basement where Cole had abused him. It all started the same, him screaming, begging, crying for Dean to come but his screams went unheard and Cole didn't stop tearing him apart from the inside. Then, then everything changed and he was not crying and Cole was not there, no, Dean was and Dean did not tear him apart from the inside but he did make love to him.
The dark basement had changed into their bright sunny bedroom and the pain, the fear and the shame was all washed away. He didn't feel Cole tearing him up; instead he felt Dean, his touch, his kisses, each thrust healing. Then he whispered 'I love you Sammy' and his voice was full of love, true love and Cole's voice seemed to fade from Sam's mind. When he woke, he found himself alone, Dean clearly still at his birthday party, but it gave Sam time to think and now, five days later, he knew he was ready.
Ready to forget Cole's voice, touch and kisses. He was ready to feel Dean inside of him, he was ready to hear Dean whisper Sammy to him and with this, Cole's voice would die. All he needed to be free of his haunting past was this, it wouldn't fix everything, the memories would never die but the feel of Cole in him, around him, would go. He just needed this.
He opened the door and stepped onto the wooden porch. He looked at Dean through the corner of his eye and saw him looking back at him; only Dean was watching Sam from both eyes. Before Sam turned to face Dean he let his eyes wander around, taking in the other house's that filled the col de sac, it was a peaceful place here, all the house looked like the belonged in fairy tales rather then the harsh world but Sam felt safe here. He felt at home for the first time ever.
Sam snapped out of his thoughts and turned to look at Dean, who was staring at him with concern, something that never would die. Sam sighed then walked towards Dean, sitting down beside him. He offered Dean a half hearted smile, which he returned then took his hand and entwined their fingers together. Sam hesitated before speaking, trying to find the right words but sometimes it was impossible to find the right ones, especially lately, but hey everything had been a little hard lately, but it was getting better.
"What's wrong?" he asked gently, so gently.
"I… I'm ready" he spat out, not bothering with details.
"For what?" Dean asked and he actually sounded like his old self, for that second.
"Sex," Sam said with confidence
"Sex?" Dean repeated with a raised eyebrow and an, 'I think you've gone crazy' look.
"Dean, I'm ready" Sam said again "I know I am."
"Sam" Dean sighed then brought Sam's hand to his lips "It's going to take time-"
"Dean!" Sam snapped "Please."
"Sam this is a big step" Dean said and he sounded like the old protective big brother but he wasn't just that anymore, he was Sam's partner.
"Dean I had a dream."
"A dream?" Dean asked and if he just said 'was it clowns or midgets' he might just be himself again.
"I was… in the basement" be strong Sam he order himself damnit be strong. "And Cole was…" Dean didn't really need to hear this part; it hurt him as much as it did Sam to hear of the rapes. Luckily Sam didn't need words because Dean guessed and told him to go on "then Cole turned into you and… and everything was ok… it was better!"
"Better? Like how?"
Sam inhaled deeply then exhaled "I can't explain it but I… I know longer felt his presence, I felt free, when you… made love to me."
"So you're saying if you and I have sex you'll be better?" Dean had hope in eyes, like he expected this to be the cure to everything.
"Well sorta" Sam said shrugging "it… it might help me not feel him."
"Feel him?" Dean asked and God damnit he should of known what Sam meant.
"Inside me" Sam didn't look away, instead he kept his eyes locked with Dean's.
"Sam" Dean sighed again, a deep tired sigh "I don't want to ruin anything."
"Dean it won't" Sam assured and God damnit he knew it wouldn't "It will make it better, I'm sure."
Dean looked away, staring at anything but Sam while his mind went over a million things and then finally he looked back "If we do this you know it won't be easy right babe?"
"I know" Sam said with a nod.
"It might even hurt a little."
Sam sucked in a deep breath; pain was something he didn't want to feel anymore whether it be physical or mental but sometimes pain led to better things. "I can handle it."
"Ok then" Dean kissed Sam's hand again, his stomach was twisting into knots but if Sam said he was ready then maybe he was "Tonight."
Sam nodded "Tonight, sounds good."
Dean smiled at Sam then pressed his lips gently to Sam's then whispered, "I love you Sam."
"Sammy" Sam said pulling back "You can say it."
Dean gave Sam a concerned look, this was a little too much, first he wanted sex now he wanted to be called Sammy again, was he ready for any of this? God, next thing he would be asking to hunt again. "Are you ok?"
"Dean I'm fine" he said with a small laugh "please, Dean, believe me when I say I am fine."
"Ok" Dean said forcing on a smile, to mask his concern "Sammy."
By the time night came, Dean had chewed his fingernails to the quicks and he was sure his lip had a hole in it to because his nails were too short and he really, really needed something to chew on. Scratch that, he needed someone to knock some sense into Sam. He said he was ready, but was he really ready? It seemed out of the blue to Dean, like he might as well have said it at the breakfast table between pass me the milk or maybe it was just Dean panicking. Though he was sure he skipped panic and went straight to paranoid and he was pretty sure the next step was to either go insane or have a heart attack.
He was at the end of his wit and he couldn't do this, he was so freaking scared. He was scared, afraid, of hurting Sam and screwing everything up and then they'd be back to the way they were. Lost and broken. He was not willing to go back to that. He couldn't, not now, not now. But Sam had sounded so ready, sounded so sure and Dean wanted, God he wanted for Sam to be ready, but he couldn't, wouldn't put the last eight months in jeopardy. But were they really in jeopardy or was Dean just having a melt down?
God he didn't fucking know. He could just take a risk and have sex with Sam but it could ruin everything or maybe, God maybe it might actually make everything better. Damnit he didn't fucking know. He just wanted to know, couldn't he have some way of knowing or maybe he did? He made a hasty dash to the phone, picking it up and dialling the number.
'Dean Winchester I am not a psychic hot-line" came Missouri's voice "But I am here to help anyway I can hun."
"What do I do?" he asked in a whispered tone.
'Don't worry for one,' she said and she sounded so calm, how could she be so freaking calm 'he is ready.'
"He is?" Dean asked, half surprised, half relieved. "It's so sudden though."
'To you, yes' she said 'but Sam has thought about this for a week Dean and he knows he's ready and maybe… well maybe it is you who is not ready.'
"What?" he asked baffled "I'm ready" am I?
'Maybe you should think about that some more hun' she said and he could hear her smile, yeah, real freaking amusing the day Dean Winchester doesn't know if he's ready for sex. 'Anyway there will be no sex tonight. Oh Sam's coming hun, call me more often, ok.' with that the line went dead and Dean quickly put the phone back down then spun to face Sam.
"Who were you talking to?"
"Um" lies would do no good "Missouri."
"Why?" Sam asked, hurt in eyes and anger in his tone.
"Because I am scared that this will fuck things up" no lies, no lies "I thought you might be rushing this cause you felt bad or something but there is no need to rush because I am fine with waitin and I… I might not be ready."
Sam no longer looked mad, no he was to busy laughing to be angry and it wasn't really that funny but these days it was laugh or cry, and enough tears had been shed. "Are you serious?" he asked.
"Not funny Sam" Dean scowled but it didn't last long because Sam was laughing, laughing like he meant it and it made Dean laugh too. Because like he just thought, it was laugh or cry.
Missouri was right, there was no sex that night but there was laughter, which they needed more then anything.
The next morning the sun was shining brightly through the gap in the curtains, the beam of light lifted the darkness just enough for Sam to wake. He snuggled closer to Dean; the sheet was the only thing hiding their naked bodies from the cool air. Sam smiled as he remembered last night, well earlier this morning actually. Sam had been sleeping when Dean woke him up and he didn't say a word, just started kissing him but that's all Sam needed. With the sweet, passionate kisses he knew Dean was ready and so was he. As they made love Sam felt the memory of Cole fade, he knew it would never ever be fully gone but with Dean's touch it eased.
Sam opened his eyes and stared at Dean's sleeping figure, he looked so beautiful in the morning light. He looked so beautiful as he stared down at him while he worked his magic, and that's what it felt like. Magic. It felt so good and so right. It made him forget what it felt like to have Cole inside of him and now all he felt was Dean. And that was all he ever really needed, to feel Dean, to have Dean erase the pain with his touch and not just his words.
Sam stroked Dean's cheek with his fingers, brushing his lips lightly over Dean's, just long enough to wake Dean. He stared up at Sam with bright green eyes and an even brighter smile. Sam felt Dean run his fingers up the back of his neck then gently push his neck down, so their lips could meet in a passionate kiss. They kissed until their lungs were screaming for air and they wished they didn't have to breathe so they could kiss forever, but Dean had question to ask.
"Sam" he lazily ran his fingers through Sam's unruly hair "a few months ago you were writing a journal… I just wanted to know what happened to it?"
"Gone" he replied, "I wrote down the hardest parts of the last two years and once I was done I… I dropped it into the stream by 'our sport" he said referring to the secret place at Bobby's.
"How come you never told me?"
"It was something I had to do on my own" he sighed, lying back down and cuddling up to Dean "it's hard to explain but-"
"-I understand," he said pressing a soft kiss to Sam's lips "and I am so proud of you Sam, you've come so far."
Sam smiled "I love you so much Dean" Sam said and in those words he said so much more.
"I love you too Sammy" he said hugging him back and showing him that he was safe and he was loved.
As Sam and Dean lay in each other's arms they both knew that it didn't matter what the world threw at them, because as long as they had each other they were unbreakable.
I'd like to thank everyone who read and reviewed this story, you made my day with your reviews and I love to know you have liked or loved it. It's been a tough story to write but with your inspiring comments I've managed to keep going and not give up. Thanks so much guys and I hope you enjoyed this last chapter and for one last time I love to know what you think :)
Oh! I will have a new story posted soon, called Our Secret Lullaby so keep an eye out my lovely readers :)