DISCLAIMER: Voldemort, Harry Potter, and other characters and from the Harry Potter books belong to J.K. Rowling. All characters used for purpose of parody.

The Daily Prophet is proud to present our newest opinion column, "Ask You- Know-Who."

Disclaimer from the Daily Prophet: You-Know-Who's opinions are almost never those of the Daily Prophet.

Dear You-Know-Who,

I've just discovered my husband has been having an affair with the Muggle woman next door! For six months, he's been spending the night at her house, claiming that he was "using his wand to release uneasy spirits from bondage," but last night I was spying through the windows and his words have a double meaning! I'm really upset, but I don't want my marriage to end. What should I do?

Angry Housewife

Dear Angry,

I recommend that you use the Imperius Curse on your neighbor and order her to follow the example of Lorena Bobbitt the next time your husband "uses his wand" on her. If she is resistant, the Cruciatus Curse applied at appropriate times will certainly end your husband's adulterous activities.

Dear You-Know-Who,

Hi, I have a problem with a girl that I really fancy, "Helen." She's one of my best friends, but I think she might fancy my other best friend, "Barry." She always fights with me but is usually nice to him; she's even kissed him on the cheek! I think she might be impressed by "Barry"'s wealth and his fame, as he's defeated you on four separate occasions. I think that if I defeated you once, "Helen" might see me in a different way. Is there any way that you could pretend to let me beat you?

Unlucky in Love

Dear Unlucky,

Your tale of romantic misfortune has moved my cold heart as nothing before. I will help you in your quest to win the heart of "Helen" Granger. On August 25 at high noon, bring your two friends to behind the third shop past Gringotts in Diagon Alley. I will arrive and "allow" you to drive me away in a duel, thus proving your valour. Be sure to recognize the alley by its brownstone walls, and, oh yes, the pile of dynamite at the end.

Dear You-Know-Who,

Hi, I'm a year behind the famous Harry Potter at Hogwarts, and I have the biggest crush on him. He is SOO wonderful! He saved me from the Chamber of Secrets, and he keeps on defeating that nasty stupidhead Lord Voldemort. He's actually my brother's best friend, but he never pays me any attention. It's almost like I'm invisible! How can I get him to notice me?

Desperately Seeking Harry

Dear Desperately,

I have observed from personal experience that nothing captures Harry Potter's attention more than trying to kill him. My advice to you is to murder him. Be sure that your attempt is serious and potentially lethal, or he won't think it that important. I recommend sneaking into his bedroom at night and stabbing him in the chest with a sharp knife. Poison is also always a good option. Kill Harry Potter, and he is sure to notice you. (As long as you don't do it too quickly).

Dear You-Know-Who,

Do you believe in magic? And I hope you do. You'll always have a friend, wearing big red shoes.

We Love to See You Smile

Dear Ronald McDonald,

Thank you for the update, loyal Death Eater. It pleases me greatly that long-term "Operation Kill The Muggles With Fat and Cholesterol" is proceeding as planned.

Dear You-Know-Who,

I'm a former servant of a powerful Dark Wizard. However, prior to his downfall, I was passing information to his worst enemy. Now he has returned and I am anxious to rejoin his side. What is the best way back into a Dark Lord's heart?

Having Second Thoughts

Dear Sev-er-Second Thoughts,

Many people will say that the best way to win the affection of a Dark Lord is to return his Item of Power or deliver his wayward son to him encased in carbonite. But jewelry and family are just distractions. The surest way into a Dark Lord's heart is through flowers and chocolate. Or in my case, the entire assembly of floats from the Rose Parade and total control over Hershey, Pennsylvania. (Be sure to bring the Garfield balloon.)

Dear You-Know-Who,

I am writing an essay on "Powerful Beings and Fatal Weaknesses," in which I hope to show that every apparently invincible hero or villain has a vulnerability that can completely destroy them. For instance, Superman is weakened by kryptonite, Achilles was killed by an arrow to his heel, Mumm- Ra cannot stand his own reflection, vampires ignite in sunlight, the Nome King can be poisoned by hens' eggs, the destruction of the One Ring vanquished Sauron, and Bill Clinton was almost ruined by an intern. As an extremely powerful being, do you have one weakness that could destroy you?

Curious at Hogwarts

Dear Curious,

HA! Nice try, Miss Granger, but you're not tricking me that easily. Dumbledore and Potter will have to fight me without benefit of any special weakness. You see, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Lord Voldemort into revealing that the scene in The Land Before Time where Littlefoot's mother dies reduces me to a sobbing wreck.

Dear Moldevort,

I AM OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL! Now follow the yellow-brick road, me laddo, 'cause you ain't in Kansas no more, Toto. You can walk the walk, but do you talk the talk? Word.


The Wizard

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Discontinue writing me these bizarre letters or I will take legal (or illegal) action against you for harassment.

Dear You-Know-Who,

My best two friends constantly argue over the silliest reasons, and I'm always stuck in the middle. It's gotten worse recently, because I suspect they fancy each other but are too stubborn to admit it. How can I get them to reveal their true feelings, or at least leave me out of their problems?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught,

It sounds like you care about both your friends deeply. Have you considered suggesting a threesome?

Dear You-Know-Who,

Hi, it's me again. I previously wrote to you for advice on my friends' romantic problems (and your suggestion did NOT go over well). But I have another, bigger problem. An evil Dark Wizard who killed my parents has returned and is trying to knock me off as well. He's already tried four times and failed, but he just keeps coming back. My question is, how can I get him to give it up and go away? It's starting to get embarrassing, frankly, but I don't have the heart to tell him how pathetic he looks.

Frustrated with Dark Wizards

Dear Frustrated,

I sympathize with your problem. I too have an enemy who just keeps coming back no matter how many times I defeat him. This boy foolishly hopes to destroy me and avenge his parents, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to kill him. Perhaps we could convince our pitiful enemies to go after each other, and they will annihilate each other without our assistance.

Dear Master,

I have recently become concerned with my son's behavior. Though in his frequent owls from Hogwarts he makes himself out to be a perfect pureblooded Slytherin, I have heard many rumours that his dress habits are becoming Muggleish - leather pants! - and that he is actually seeing a Gryffindor girl - likely even a Mudblood! These same rumours claim that he has abandoned your cause for love and embraced your worst enemy, the Boy Who Lived, as a friend. Most disturbing of all are the rumours that this embracing of the Scarred One may not be entirely platonic! Could these foul allegations be true, and if so, how should I discipline my son?

A Concerned Father

Dear Concerned,

Lucius, my slippery friend, you are too paranoid! I have seen and heard your son in his first year, and there has been no stauncher Slytherin this century than him (save myself). Your son is no more likely to become the homosexual lover of Harry Potter than I am likely to write an advice column for the Daily Prophet. You have my word that those who spread these strange stories will suffer personally at my hand.

Dear You-Know-Who,

Last night I was abducted by alien wizards from the planet Boggarty in the distant galaxy of M31. They were thirteen feet wide with twenty-two arms, eight eyes, and one toe. They Apparated me to their homeworld where extraterrestrial mages and Muggles live in eternal harmony, death is merely a lifestyle choice, and the bread always lands buttered side up. They then invited me to take part in their orgy of sensual pleasure and universal communion, but I declined as I had a headache. My question for you is: what is the best spell for removing butterbeer stains from a Persian rug?

Stupid Stain Won't Come Out

Dear Dumbledore,

I told you to leave me alone! Do you want a restraining order?!