Disclaimer: do not own Transformers.

Rating: K

Summary: Oneshot. Movieverse. Five drablets. Even though the Autobots aren't your conventional little green men, there are some alien stereotypes that they can't escape.

Author note: I am aware that FFnet has a movie section for "Transformers." It took me awhile, but I am finally aware of it! However, my first (and only) attempt at visiting said section lead to my computer making ominous blipping noises—the noises that my antivirus makes when something's trying to get in. I take that as a sign that I'm not wanted there. (Is sad). So all my Transformers-related works (be they Beast Wars, G1 or Movie) will remain in the Cartoons section.

Besides, my fanfics are like gerbils—they multiply really quickly, they squabble for attention, they chew on any non-fanfic related idea in my brain, and they're highly social creatures. They wouldn't appreciate the separation, and unhappy gerbil-ficlets means writer's block.

Title: The Autobot Files

The Crop Circle Culprit

It was a dark and stormy night. A dark shape was seen, briefly silhouetted against the lightning, before disappearing once again into the darkness.

This will teach that human, Ironhide thought grimly, continuing his less than legal activity. Insulting my paintjob is one thing, but letting his cattle loose on Will's field? Unforgivable!

The next day, Ironhide drove the Lennox family to a picnic site. On their way, they passed through the field of Will's neighbour.

"So I was thinking, perhaps we could—STOP THE CAR!"

Ironhide screeched to a halt. "What? What? Is there a foul-smelling organic up ahead?!" He shuddered. The gunk hadn't come off his tires for days after he had driven over the skunk, and the smell…

Neither Will nor Sarah answered, and Annabelle's answer was unintelligible.

No, the Lennox parents were gaping outside Ironhide's right window.

The crop field of their neighbour was covered in reporters. They could see said neighbour, with a panicked, mystified look, talking into several microphones.

But even with all the people around, it was easy to see that the field was pitted with intricate circles.

"Oh, that," Ironhide said lightly. "Do you like it?"

"Pretty," Annabelle said, reaching out and pointing to the display.

"Thank-you, Annabelle," Ironhide rumbled, entirely pleased with himself.

"Ironhide!" Sarah scolded, appalled.

Will could only shake his head.

The Strange Sightings

Mikaela was not in a good mood.

School had been abuzz with gossip. There had been a small party the day before, involving cars, bonfires, and more than two glasses of vodka.

Something strange had happened at that party.

"I swear, there were little green men dancing around the fire!" Anna told her. "No one at the party believes me, but there were!"

"You were drunk. You all were," Mikaela said flatly.

"I have it on video. Here, lemme show you."



So Mikaela left school in a rather sour mood.

Jazz rolled in through her garage. He looked a bit wary, but was otherwise cheerful…until Mikaela looked at him with a death-glare worthy of the Hatchet himself.

"So," she said, crossing her arms. "You went and had a bit of fun with your holograms, hmm?"

"It was my first human party!" Jazz said hastily, as if that would stop his impending doom. "I never had vodka before!"

"You idiot! We told you that you couldn't go—we told you that you still had to recover!"

"Umm…don't tell Ratchet?" he asked, chuckling weakly.

Mikaela was not placated. "There won't be pieces left for Ratchet once I'm through with you!"

She reached for a wrench on her worktable, and Jazz tore out of her garage, driving as if there was an axe-murderer chasing him.

The Classified Files of the UFO

Secretary of Defence John Keller watched the newscast with trepidation, wondering how in the world their people had failed to intercept this.

"Hey there, Steve," said the reporter. "I'm with resident Mary Sanders, who not only saw the strange shape, but also recorded a video of it. Here it is, only on NV-TV."

"I was just taking a walk," Mary said. "When I saw this strange…thing…flying through the air. I never saw anything like it. And the strangest thing was that it did this for a whole two hours."

The newscast cut a piece of Mary's video recording. As clear as day, one could see a giant metal shape, compressed into a disk, twirling through the air, going to the left, disappearing for a brief moment, and then flying again in the other direction. It was certainly large enough to fit several humans.

"Well, it certainly looks like we have some strange visitors over in Nevada," the reporter chuckled. "Investigators are looking into it, and they certainly don't have a lack of witnesses. More than one thousand other people are calling in, reporting that they too have seen this strange object, more than half possessing video proof."

John sighed, and then turned off the television. He took several deep, calming breaths, and then made a phone call.

"Hello, Optimus? Yes, this is John."

A sigh.

"Yes, I've seen the newscast…" A pause. "No, no, don't apologize. We'll be able to cover it up…" A longer pause. "Yes, I know that they'll be unhappy with the addition to the blacklist, but considering the circumstances…"

Another sigh, accompanied by the Secretary of Defence uncharacteristically pinching the bridge of his nose, looking skywards for patience. "Just…just tell the guys that they can't play Frisbee anymore."

The Med-bay Mystery

The humans soon felt that the Autobot base was much like a second home. However, there was one section of the base that continued to be a little strange…and more than a little threatening.

It was the med-bay.

The med-bay was the closet of the Autobot base, the area under the bed, the attic full of monsters.

Even some of the Autobots felt that way.

So Bumblebee was quite surprised to see all the humans meekly going to said area when Ratchet 'summoned' them for a routine check-up that he insisted upon doing.

It was the strangest thing that any of them had ever seen, and none of the Autobots could understand how and why.

Epps waited on a bench outside the med-bay, subdued.

Lennox exited the med-bay, looking like a man who had seen the face of evil.

"Epps? What are you doing here?" Lennox asked, surprised.

"What you're here for," Epps said, shrugging.

Lennox sighed. "So, Ratchet threatened you with anal probing too?"

"Oh yeah."

The Alien Abductions

Sam was starting to get a bit worried.

Mikaela wasn't at school that day, and she wasn't at home, and she wasn't picking up her cell phone.

When he called the Lennoxes, all he got was an answering machine.

The Eppses were gone as well.

Sam and Miles had split up earlier that day, promising to call each other if they happened to find any of the missing human allies.

Miles wasn't answering his cell phone.

"I don't get it," Sam said, looking through the empty halls of the Autobot base. "Where is everyone?"

"Off to a better place," Bumblebee said. Sam looked at his guardian.

"That's a really weird thing to say, and—'Bee, why are you looking at me like that?"

Without another word, Bumblebee scooped up his charge. "Now, now, Sam," he chided gently. "You know that stress isn't good for you, and you guys have been working really hard lately, covering up all the planet-falls…"

"Wait…So you guys are behind all this?"

"Of course! Now I think that we should go to the beach and join the others, hmm?"

"Bumblebee!" Sam protested, trying futilely to free himself.

"You're being abducted!" Bumblebee said gleefully.

Sam shook his head, and gave up. "You guys are unbelievable."