Jeff watched the blood drip out of his arm with a morbid fascination. He had locked himself in the bathroom and was cutting himself with his razor blade again. He knew everyone would get pissed if they knew what he was doing, but he didn't care. Inflicting pain on himself would quiet his emotional pain. It would make his inner turmoil rest for awhile.
There was a loud pounding on the door. "Jeff, baby let me in!" Randy yelled. "I need to talk to you."
"Go away!" Jeff yelled at his boyfriend. Randy was the whole reason he had locked himself in the bathroom in the first place. Jeff had caught Randy and Adam kissing down near the hotel lobby. Of course, knowing Adam, he had probably started the whole thing. Everyone knew Adam was trying to force Randy to come back to him. But even knowing that, Jeff also knew that Randy had a long history of infidelity. The Legend Killer had pretty much cheated on everybody he had ever dated. Jeff wondered why this relationship would be any different for Randy. Why wouldn't Randy cheat on him? It wasn't like he deserved Randy or anything.
"Open the door!" Randy yelled again. "God dammit Jeff, come out and talk to me!"
Jeff burst into tears. He hated this. He hated doubting Randy's commitment. He hated Adam for not letting Randy go, even after being dumped over a year ago. He hated Matt for putting the doubts about Randy in his head to begin with. But most of all, he hated himself for being so fucking worthless. He held his razor tightly in his hand. He didn't want Randy to see it when he came in.
It took about five more minutes of kicking, but Randy finally busted the bathroom door open. "Baby listen to me," Randy begged. His eyes were wide and he had the faintest smell of booze on him. "Adam started it, he--"
"Stop," Jeff begged. He couldn't even look his boyfriend in the eye. "Don't start explaining. Just tell me the truth: did you fuck him?"
Randy's jaw dropped open in shock. "What? No! How could you even think that?"
"Have you fucked anybody else?"
"No! Why are you asking me this?" He knelt down and forced Jeff to look at him. "Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?"
"No," Jeff admitted.
"So why are we having this discussion?"
"I don't know!" Jeff yelled. He got up and stormed away. Too many emotions were churning inside of him, conflicting against each other and driving him crazy.
Randy wasn't about to let him go without a fight. "Jeff baby sit down and talk to me. You're starting to freak me out."
Jeff couldn't sit down though. He pressed the razor against the wrist. All it would take was one deep cut. One deep cut to slit his wrist and free everyone of the burden of caring about him. One deep cut to finally free himself of the pain he felt everyday in his life.
"WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Randy yelled. He had seen the razor and was totally freaking out about it.
Jeff couldn't answer; he just tried to cut at his wrist again. Randy let out an incoherent yell and tackled Jeff on to the bed. They struggled for the razor for several minutes before Randy finally got a hold of the razor. "Why are you doing this?" Randy asked.
"Because I need to," Jeff whined. He tried to get the razor back. "Give it back to me."
Randy tossed the razor all the way across the room. Jeff tried to push Randy off so he could go get it. This caused another scuffle that ended when Randy pinned Jeff's arms down above his head. "Why are you doing this?" Randy asked again. "Why in the hell are you so intent on getting that fucking razor?"
"BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO KILL MYSELF STUPID!" Jeff yelled. There, he said it. It was out in the open now.
Randy's jaw dropped open. "What?"
Jeff closed his eyes. He couldn't stand to see the hurt look on his boyfriend's face. "Just let me go. It'll be easier once I'm gone."
"For who?" Randy asked. He was near tears now. "I'd die without you."
Jeff shook his head. "No you won't. You'll move on--"
"No I won't."
"You'll live your life--"
"Shut up Jeff."
"All you have to do is let me up and I'll--"
Randy slapped Jeff. The room went completely silent. Jeff's cheek stung like hell, but he had snapped out of his suicidal hysteria. He opened his eyes and looked at Randy. The Legend Killer looked absolutely disgusted with what he had just done. "Jeff--"
"Shhh," Jeff said quickly. "It's okay baby, I know you didn't mean it."
"But I shouldn't have--" Randy was cut off with a kiss from Jeff. When they broke apart, Randy laid his head against Jeff's chest. Jeff held him tightly, feeling upset about upsetting his boyfriend so much. It wasn't like he wanted to do it. He was just in so much pain that he couldn't help it sometimes. And it wasn't like he could talk about what caused his pain. That would mean revealing something he had sworn to keep a secret until the day he died. He couldn't do that, not even for Randy. Randy didn't need to know of his suffering. Randy had enough problems of his own without dealing with Jeff's problems too.
Not to mention the fact that he was scared that Randy would leave him if the whole ugly truth came out. He wouldn't be able to live if Randy left him. He would really have to kill himself then, because the pain of losing Randy would be too much to take.
"If I go to sleep, will you still be here in the morning?" Randy asked quietly.
"Yeah," Jeff assured him. "I'll be here."
"Good. I love you Jeff."
"I love you too Randy."