A/N: Originally, this was meant to be the beginning to a very serious fic I was starting about how Rukia and Hiyori end up trapped together for days, and are forced to work together to get themselves out of their self-inflicted disaster. But my mood took a turn, and I was suddenly in the mood for something more humorous. I still plan on writing that fic, the villains of this oneshot included, someday. I really enjoyed writing this. Really.
Summary: Trapped in a cell together, Rukia and Hiyori reflect on the men in their lives, and what total dumbasses they are.
Hiyori had never much cared for Rukia. The two were undeniable, definite opposites, in more ways than one. Rukia always had this sweet look about her, hair nice and styled just right without her even having to try. And she was so sure, about everything. Just in the way she handled a situation…She could take charge without a second thought, and resolve any conflict with ease (when she wasn't getting knocked out in the process).
Hiyori wasn't the leader-type. She'd always followed orders (albeit, somewhat reluctantly). She followed Urahara, she followed Shinji. It wasn't that she couldn't be a leader, she could, and she could do a damned good job of it, too. But she just preferred to follow.
And it wasn't just that. It was their taste, as well. Their taste in…well…everything. Clothes, fighting style's…
Rukia loved pretty things; summer dresses, and colorful scarves, and those funny shoes that human women liked to wear.
And Hiyori…well, Hiyori liked comfort. She liked jeans, the ones that were soft and stretchy, not the stiff ones. And she liked loose t-shirts, and maybe even a pair of sweatpants every now and then, and you'd better not touch her fluffy pink (she really hated that color) slippers, unless you're fixin' to lose some fingers.
Then there was their fighting styles…Where Rukia took on her opponent with grace and calmness, Hiyori was brash, but she was quick, and she could take down an enemy twice her size in half the time it took Ms. Isn't-my-sword-pretty? Kuchiki.
And! Whereas Rukia seemed to need constant saving, Hiyori never needed rescuing.
Honestly, they should've seen something like this coming. Sure, the Winter war had been over for years, but that didn't mean they had to entirely let their guard down, because when they did, look what happened!!
For the record, ice skating wasn't all it was cracked up to be. One week spot in the ice, and you found yourself five feet beneath the surface, gasping for air and drawing in nothing but water. But then, to her credit, she hadn't gone under because she'd skated—fumbled—fallen—over a weak spot in the ice. She'd gone under because some fucking idiot had blown up the ice, which resulted in the entire damned lake breaking up into chunks, thus her predicament.
And when she'd woken up, surprised because she'd half expected not to have woken up at all, she kinda wished she hadn't, because as soon as her eyes had opened she and Rukia were dragged off to some room, and beaten for reasons that no one bothered to explain. They didn't need much of an explanation, though. The video camera and the spell they'd cast to bind their reiatsu was enough.
Two months earlier a new group of troublemakers had popped up on the radar in Karakura town, and somehow knew much more about spiritual pressure, and kido spells than any human should. But that was the thing, these guys really were human, their knowledge of otherworldly things was just…well…more extensive than it was ever meant to be. Rukia surmised that it was because they had broken into Urahara's shop a short while after making their appearance and stole a fair amount of very expensive—and non-human—items.
But that didn't explain everything, as the strange band of newcomers had obviously known how to use reiatsu and spells even before that.
Their demands were clear. They wanted the help of Ichigo Kurosaki and his supposed "gang" to get into Soul Society, else his girlfriend and her little ("?!?!?") friend weren't going to be breathing much longer.
So, sitting in the kido version of a cage (she realized that it had similar qualities to the ones that Hacchi often made, and that he would probably appreciate how well it was constructed, but not for whom it was made) Hiyori continued to fume over the fact that she'd allowed herself to end up in this situation.
As she sat there, knee's curled tightly into her chest, she found herself absently fingering a strand of her blonde hair. It was stringy and wet, and had apparently come loose from the ponytail she'd placed it in that morning. Admittedly, she kinda missed her pigtails. Shinji didn't seem to care either way.
"Looks better down." he'd said the first time she'd decided to switch out her two bands for one.
The thought of his words made her grind her teeth and blush all at once. That man was…was…an absolute idiot! Obviously to the point of no return! After all the years they'd been together, in Soul Society, and in this stupid human world, you'd think that he would've become a little more perceptive to…things!!
She subconsciously puffed out her cheeks, eyebrows furrowing together to a point where they were almost connected.
"Are you okay?"
She jerked her head in Rukia's direction, the usual scowl set firmly in place. "I'm fine!" she snapped before returning to her silent sulking.
Rukia frowned, a scowl all her own coming onto her face as she crossed her arms over her chest, descending into an uncomfortable silence, as she settled down on the floor.
It was a few more minutes before either of them said anything. And the first to actually speak was Hiyori.
"How did you do it..?" she asked, quiet and frowning, as she eyed Rukia, who was both startled and confused by the question.
"Do what?" she replied, brows furrowing.
Hiyori let out an irritated sigh, and shifted slightly so that she was facing Rukia fully, her legs now crossed beneath her. "How did you…ah…get strawberry-boy to notice you?" she asked awkwardly, small hands fisting in the material of her jeans. Admittedly, the subject made her very nervous. She wasn't sure why she was asking Rukia, in particular. She could've asked anyone else, someone within the Vizard group. Like maybe Risa, or Mashiro.
Maybe it was because there was a chance that they wouldn't make it out of this place.
No, that's not true, she thought. Because they would make it out of there, with or without the boys' help. It wasn't like she hadn't gotten out of worse situations without having to be rescued.
Rukia blinked in surprise, feeling completely thrown off by the question. Sure, it had come up plenty of times—more than she would've liked—but she'd never expected to hear it from Hiyori, of all people. Then again, she never expected to hear much from Hiyori. They were almost never in the same vicinity at the same time, unless Ichigo asked her to go with him to training at the warehouse, and that was a rare occurrence. The only reason they'd even been together earlier that day was because Orihime had insisted they both accompany her shopping, and then had left them at the skating rink to go pick up something she'd forgotten.
"I…well; to be honest…I didn't…"
Now Hiyori was staring at her in surprise. Confused, she asked, "Huh? What're you talkin' about?"
"Despite what everyone thinks…Ichigo and me…well, we aren't actually together." she said, sounding just as awkward as Hiyori had only moments ago. "I mean, it's not like I haven't tried…boy have I tried." she sighed and shook her head, the very thought of it getting her depressed.
"Really?" Hiyori said in disbelief. Rukia and Ichigo…they seemed so close. They were living together, for Pete's sake! "So…nothing?"
"Not a damned thing."
"Huh…" the blonde mumbled in return, a frown twisting at her mouth. "…che, men…"
"Hmm…" Rukia agreed, "Tell me about it."
Hiyori shook her head and sprang up from her balled up position on the floor.
Rukia watched her with a quirked eyebrow.
"So…" the other woman said, a spark of kido forming at her finger tip, and it took Ms. Isn't-my-sword pretty? Kuchiki a minute to realize that she'd long since abandoned the reiatsu-binding cuffs the brats had slapped on them during their unconscious state. "What d'ya say we get th' hell outta here?" she said with the dip of her head and a glint in her eye.
Now that sounded like a plan.
A few hours later, the two women exited one of the many abandoned buildings in Karakura, leaving a trail of unconscious idiots in their wake. The forms of two very familiar Vizards were clear against the setting sun, steps quick as they headed for said abandoned building, the gang at their heels.
Ichigo landed in front of the two girls, each now clutching her respective sword. He stared at the soul reaper with wide eyes, taking in her beaten appearance. "Rukia, are you o—"
"Oh, stuff it, Ichigo." She walked passed him purposefully, sheathing her sword as she went, and the others parted to let her through. Hiyori was just behind her, clutching her sheathed sword in her hand as she walked after Rukia with the same indignant scowl on her freckle-spattered face.
Shinji blinked, watching her as she approached. He stepped forward, mouth open. "Hiyo—" The butt of her hilt connected with his face, and he reeled back in surprise (and pain).
"Go t' hell!" came her angered cry.
Renji blinked, scratching his head, as he stared at the pile of unconscious bodies in front of the warehouse. "Che…women…"
Hanakari Jinta nodded in agreement (he'd come along for the action, but apparently there wasn't going to be any), his hands positioned on his waist. "Tell me about it."
The others turned to stare at him.
Rukia and Hiyori were very different. But if there was one thing they had in common, it was their taste in men.
Because even though Shinji and Ichigo were undeniable opposites, it was clear that they were both the biggest idiots on the face of the earth…
or, at least in Karakura town.
("Was there ever any doubt?")