Bada Bing, Bada Boom!

A/N:I'm really sorry for this poor fic. I wonder if there'll be enough readers out there to really appreciate it because I really think this one is actually funny but anyway, it's just my opnion. If you don't like Paul/Rachel stories (although I doubt there are more than three of them) you can always check my other fics which are directed to more, let's say, mainstream shippers. Anyway, The complete plot of this fic came when Jacob said in Breaking Dawn that Rachel took the whole wolf thing easily enough so I decided to make this story last a week.

Each chapter has a name of one of the days of the week in which Paul tries to convince Rachel (and himself) that he loves her. The names come from The Cure's song "Friday I'm in love" so I hope you enjoy. I'm gonna try to go as in character as possible though is a bit hard when there isn't much Paul nor Rachel in the books; so I found my own explanations for their personalities and all that crap.

Please review and check out my other fics on my profile. And if you feel like it you can always send me an pm saying whatever you want - you'll be amazed by how nice I am *cough cough*.

Chapter 1: Thursday I don't care about you

Oh, look, rain. How surprising! Apparently, once again, summer seemed to forget completely about Washington and, outside my window, dark grey clouds collided with each other causing earth quaking thunders. I let out a long deep breath. Was a bit of sunlight too much to ask? I mean, is not like I get cold or anything but running around at night while an amount of water that could easily have the equivalent weight of three hundred elephants falls in your head and fur isn't exactly delightful.

As if it wasn't enough, imagine doing this while Jared thinks about making out sessions with Kim, Quil keeps wondering if Claire got better from her stomach flu, Jakes moans over a soon to be corpse married woman and Sam drowns in deep remorse for leaving Emily home alone for yet another night - what, by the way, leads to Leah getting pissed off and start thinking about Embry's parents just to annoy the rest of us.

Oh yeah, life is a picnic.

But no, not tonight. Tonight was my first night off watchdog duty and I was allowed to spend a few hours inside my own house for a change wearing only my underwear or maybe less (though that's not exactly breaking a habit for shape shifters, I know) and watching sports on TV. The only drawback would possibly be living through the night with my own cooking but that'd be ok, I thought. As long as there was no Canis lupus for me today, I'd be great.

I turned on the TV and started browsing the cupboards for something to eat but turned up empty handed. Ugh! I hanged so little around my place that I even had completely forgotten to shop. I smacked my head on the cupboard in frustration.

Finally I found the remains of last week's frozen lasagna and decided to eat it even though it smelled like a public bathroom.

I grabbed a spoon not worrying to heat the meal at all. I wasn't going to survive through the experience without a stomachache anyway so, why bother, right?

"Please, tell me you're not eating that." Sam's voice came from behind me. I had a good hearing but the man was like a ninja.

"No, I'm not." I said in a tone that wouldn't be able to convince not even Quil's Claire and threw the lasagna on the sink so it could be destroyed by the garbage disposal.

The sound of my murdered food made my heart drop. Oh, well, maybe I'd get lucky tonight and a squirrel would get lost in my garden during the rain. I could phase quickly and eat it, I guess. My stomach growled and Sam laughed:

"I brought you some dinner. Emily thought you might have forgotten to shop for food." He said throwing me a box; I caught it in the air.

"Do you think Em would ever leave you and elope with me?" Sam rolled his eyes:

"Why would any woman in the world, Paul, ever give up on me to be with you?" He said in a mockery tone.

"Well, you might just find out that some women actually consider bad temper to be quite charming and think of it as the sign of a passionate lover."

Sam raised an eyebrow in disbelief:

"Short temper is only considered passion if you're Italian, Paul, when you're Native American that's just plain annoying."

"Why are you here? I said making a face "It's my day off, you brought the food, get out." You have to understand that my respect towards the Alpha only lasted until he was in my living room calling me annoying. After that he was just like any other of my brothers. Sam's mocking face disappeared.

"What?" I asked. Ha! I knew there was a trick! Nobody ever fed me unless they wanted something from me!

"Well…" I noticed he was taking his shoes off.

"No way!" I screamed, my body trembling with all the anger.

"C'mon, Paul, is not that big of a deal." Sam unbuttoned his shirt.

"Not that big of a deal!? It's my first day off in three months! I've been covering Jake's turns while he was missing, and Embry's when he has to stay with his mom and…"

"And Jared's when he's out with Kim and Quil's when he babysitting Claire, I know, Paul, I know. But sometimes things happen and you know we can't count only on the kids. Besides, it's not like I haven't tried to take the others instead but…"

The fact that he was already naked irritated me. Why was he so sure I'd phase, uh? I could control myself. I wasn't a young wolf anymore.

"Get out of my kitchen. You might touch something." I said.

"I'm not at your kitchen. Technically I'm at your living room." He pointed to the counter I was leaning on, the only thing separating us. "You're in the kitchen. And maybe you should step out, since I doubt your mom would be pleased to pay yet another table to your house."

"I'm not gonna lose control." I was gritting my teeth "'Cause I'm not phasing today. It's my day off."Sam rubbed his face with his hands and sighed:

"Paul, Jacob's sister just came by to visit yesterday. Billy personally asked me to let him off duty today so they could spend some quality time together."

"Jacob again!? Who cares about family moments when we have to protect our tribe all the freaking time!? He's always putting our work in second place, I don't see how you can still protect this kid…" – Ok, so I phased, who cares, right? I never said I some sort of Gandhi or anything. Good bye, kitchen table. Sam phased too:

"Well, since you're already phased…"

"Don't you start this on me, Sam Uley! I'm still pissed!"

"Oh, get a grip, Paul! Get over yourself."

The good thing about mind reading is that you can actually insult someone with a thousand offensive words at once.

"You're such a pain." Sam said sounding bored.

"Yes, you're right, I am. Take Jared instead."

"He's out with Kim tonight. And before you ask…" He cut me off in the beginning of a new sentence "Quil also had plans with his own imprint. They rented "The Little Mermaid" and are having a tea party."

"Embry, Leah and the kids seem quite enough for me. Don't be such a sissy. We're the biggest pack ever; six should be enough. Aren't you ashamed by the fact that Ephraim Black could do the same thing with less than half the numbers you use? It's a great time to rethink you life, Sam. Think about it, it's time to change!"

Sam grabbed one of my ears with his teeth.

"Ouch! That was so uncalled for! I'll go anyway, alright? Let me go!"

"No. This is for suggesting patrolling with only the kids, me, Leah and Embry. You should learn how to be more compassionate to your brothers." He said back to his always so calm tone.

--

"I bet Jake's having fun. I hope one of Rebecca's children throws up at him." I thought as soon as we started running around La Push. "Or maybe they can hit one of his eyes with a fork or something."

"Don't say this, bro." Seth joined me in my head. "Having his sister around will help him get better. He needs it, man."

"I disagree. I think he deserves a fork in his eye. It's his fault he chose the leech-lover." In moments like this, I actually liked Leah a bit.

"Shut up, it's not reciprocal." She answered looking at me.

"Guys…" Sam stopped us from arguing. Leah winced but I didn't care. "As sad as I am to bring you the news; it's not Rebecca who's here. It's Rachel."

I accidentally clobbered against a tree causing its trunk to burst.

"What do you mean by Rachel?" I mumbled confused by the blow. "Are you sure is Rachel who's here, Sam?"

"That's what Billy told me. Apparently, she graduated early."

"Graduated early? Like in she doesn't have to go back to college by the end of summer?"

"I think that's the meaning of graduation, Paul." Colin said impatiently.

Rachel Black. It's been four years since I last saw her and still I could feel my whole body shivering from the fear her name caused me. She was back.

"Don't you think you're overreacting a little, Paul?"

"Overreacting?Overreacting!? That woman is the Antichrist, Sam"! I was silent for a moment "The Antichrist!" I repeated for emphasis.

"We're Quilleutes, Paul, we don't believe the Antichrist." Sam thought and his wolf form rolled its eyes.

"I do. I've met her."

"You're so pathetic. Rachel's very nice."

"Of course you think so, Leah. But that's only because the Antichrist and Satan always get along just fine!"

Sam had to jump between the two of us to stop any further arguments. It's a good thing he did though. I could easily kill Leah with my eyes closed.

"Ha! I'd like to see you try that, moron. I'm just waiting."

"Guys, enough!" The Alpha command said and everything went quiet for a while, we got back to work.

"Just so I know and I'm not really sure I want to anyway…" Sam thought later that night "Why is that that you're so scared of Rachel Black, uh?"

That was the question I had been dreading from the beginning. All the minds around me went still, all but one:

"Yeah, Paul, why don't you tell them? I'm sure they'd all love to know." Leah's thoughts were filled with sarcasm as usual. "Or would you prefer if I showed them what I saw?"

"I'm sorry for calling you Satan earlier today, Leah. I now know you're a lot worse than the dark lord from hell would ever be capable to be." She laughed.

My parents were always a little too overprotective and about the time I reached the fours they decided no babysitter was good enough for their Paul. Still, "their Paul" wasn't in fact important enough for neither one of the two workaholics to quit at least one of their three jobs so the only option left was to leave me at their friends' houses for the day. Of course my parents were too busy to even make friends thus they ended up choosing our next door neighbors, the Blacks, as the perfect family to take me in the afternoons during the week and on the rare cases of them leaving the house to actually have fun. And that was when I met Rachel.

I never really understood why people had such a hard time distinguishing the twins; Rebecca had a sweet and serene face, sorta like an angel. Rachel was the one with the permanent evil glare towards me.

You see, I changed a lot since after I first phased. Before this whole magic crap happened I was, well, let's use the word "fragile"; I had asthma and I probably weighed half of what I do now. As a kid I was an easy target – even for a little girl. Mrs. Black was always busy taking care of Jake so, since I was - in her own words – "a big boy", I had to go outside and play with the girls while she watched Jacob and cooked us dinner. Rebecca liked to cook, draw and read. Rachel was more…active.

As the memories took over me, everyone else burst in loud growls of laughter.

"That's not funny!" I yelled in my head but it was useless.

From the moment I met her up to point she went away for college I've been her victim. She locked me inside rooms (and even cupboards sometimes, I'm still a little claustrophobic), pushed me into pools when she knew I couldn't swim… And that was when she was only six! After that, things became a lot worse. I believe that Columbine students had a better high school experience than the one I had.

Brady was rolling on the floor, unable to control his hysteria.

"Dude, did she really dress you like Cindy Lauper?"

"I don't doubt it." Leah answered with a hint of awe in her tone. "She was a Goonies' fan."

"I remember now. Hasn't she published the photos like ten years later in the school paper?" Sam thought, absolutely forgetting that he had to remain neutral. "I think I still have that edition."

"I was only five! She forced me into that dress!"

"Sure." Sam said, not even bothering to look at me. "What about that cheerleader that asked for a restraining order claiming you were stalking her?"

"All Rachel. It's her fault I have a criminal record."

"And that clown at my six year old birthday party?" Seth interrupted.

"She paid him ten bucks to follow me around the beach holding a plastic knife. I still can't watch "It" without having nightmares."

"No offense, man, but you can change into a wolf the size of a horse. How can you still be scared of clowns?"

"Pennywise is really scary, ok?" Seth rolled his eyes at me.

"Well, at least I understand Paul now." Colin said and everyone else – including me – looked at him with puzzled expressions:

"I mean, it takes a lot of bullying to create a monster like Paul. If I had been the victim of all that, I too would be seriously paranoid and short tempered."

"I'll show you paranoid, kid!" I thought, lunging in his direction. Sam grabbed me with his teeth again. I struggled to free myself but he didn't even seem to notice:

"Actually, Colin, as weird as it might sound, Paul was always like this. I know him since he was a newborn and honestly, I haven't met a less amused baby so far."

"Oh yeah? Just wait until you have your own children." I struggled again but it was worthless. I noticed Leah frowning and that satisfied me a bit.

"Of course, Paul, of course.' Sam wasn't even paying me any attention. "Anyway, Colin, Paulie here has always been unpleasant. His mom used to pour shredded tranquilizing pills in his juice every morning before school."

"She did not!"

"Oh, hasn't she told you?" He considered for a moment. "Then maybe she still does it every once in a while when she comes by to bring you lunch." With that, I knew had it. I finally got myself off Sam's hold and turned around:

"Enough about me, alright? We should take care of our tribe!" I thought with all the moral I could gather in my mind. I enjoyed the silence that came as a result of my words. It didn't last long though.

"Oh man! I can't wait 'til Jake phases again so I can show him what I know now!" Embry said and everyone resumed in their previous laughter. I took a deep breath.

This was gonna get really old.

---

A/N:Next chapter will be set during Friday. And guess what? Paul's in love! By the way, I'm making a list of awful bullying stuff me and my friends went through so I can use it for Paul and Rachel. If you want to, feel free to tell me your own experiences, I'd be really pleased. if you review, Edward will tatoo your name on his butt. :D