I don't own anything.
Shinji vs. the Nazi Vampires in Space
Gendo sipped his drink and stretched. It had been a while since things around NERV had been so quiet. "I really should send Sohryu to go get fucked on a weekly basis." The door opened and Kozo walked in. "This is kind of nice, isn't it?"
"Yeah," Kozo agreed, "although Sohryu has caused quite a stir with her stories of your son."
"Meh." Gendo finished his drink and went hunting through the liquor cabinet under his desk. The door banged open suddenly and Gendo jerked upright, slamming his head into his desk. "Fuck!" He straightened up more carefully and was relieved to see that it was his regular aide. "Hey Chuck."
"Hey boss," Chuck returned. "We've got a serious problem." Gendo sighed and went back to rooting around in his cabinet before finding a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel. He poured a tall glass and finished a good half in one go.
"What is it this time?"
"We received a report from the station," Chuck stated. "They came under hostile contact a few minutes ago."
"What kind of hostile contact?" Gendo demanded. "They're in space for fuck's sake and nobody even knows that!"
"We don't know," Chuck stated. "We lost contact mid-transmission."
"Oh." Gendo finished his glass and poured another one. "Wait a minute. Wasn't Rei on the station?"
"Yes sir, Colonel Ayanami was inspecting the Station before the mission next week."
"Scramble Section-2!" Gendo roared. "I want Rei back here now!"
"Section-2 isn't qualified for space operations," Chuck stated. Gendo's eye ticked.
"Get me Shinji Ikari!"
"Don't you mean, 'call Shinji Ikari for me because he might recognize my voice and tell me to go fuck myself?" Chuck asked.
"Uh. . .yeah," Gendo admitted.
"Shinji!" Shinji snorted and rolled over. "God damn it Shinji! Open this fucking deadbolt!" Shinji sat up in his bed and stared blearily at the door.
"Who's that?" Shinji glanced to his left and stared at the blond lying next to him. "Oh my God! You're married aren't you? That's your wife, isn't it?"
"No. Worse." Shinji staggered to his feet and made his way to the door. He unlatched the two dead bolts and cursed as the door slammed open and into his face.
"When the hell did you install deadbolts?" Yuki demanded.
"I got sick of your bursting in and freaking out my one night stands," Shinji groaned as he pinched his nose. "The cursing and pounding managed to do that anyway." Yuki glanced at the wide-eyed woman in the bed. "Now what the hell do you want?"
"I have a job for you," Yuki stated.
"No more jobs," Shinji groaned. "I just finished all those jobs for the French." He paused, thinking back to the failed French attempt for world domination. "At least they paid up front."
"Mostly," Yuki corrected. "Damn it! Stop looking like I'm going to hurt you!" she spat at the blond.
"Don't kill me!" the blond squeaked. "I didn't know he was married!" Yuki stared at her.
"What?" She glanced at Shinji. "You think. . .you think that me and him. . .you, what?" Yuki started laughing. Shinji thought about it as well and began chuckling. "I'm not married to that!"
"Oh. So, she's your boss or something?"
"Something," Shinji stated. "She just files my contracts. Anyway, what the hell makes you think that I'm going on another job? We just had a world war. . .well, maybe a world gang bang on France is more exact, but who cares? I'm rich now!"
"It won't last long with the way you throw around money," Yuki pointed out.
"I'll take a job when I'm broke again," Shinji stated.
"This contract is worth a lot of money," Yuki stated. "You have one of the few teams that are qualified to handle this." Shinji paused, his pants at his knees. That didn't sound like your everyday run and gun job.
"What is it?"
"It's another anonymous job," Yuki stated. "They put down half up front and it's already twice as much as we made on the last job."
"What is this job?"
"It's not so much the job as the location," Yuki stated.
"Stop being so fucking mysterious!" Shinji snapped as he buckled his pants.
"You have an hour to get to that space tourism center in Brussels," Yuki stated as she walked towards the door. "Congratulations, you're about to conduct the first mercenary operation in space."
"Ooh. Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary, no. Shinji Ikari, Mercenary of Space. I like the sound of that. I need to get business cards."
"I knew you'd like it."
Shinji stared up at the spaceship before him giddily. "This is just like Christmas!"
"I know!" Paulsen squealed. "What do you think, Boss? Should we take the Mk. 17s again?"
"Too much recoil," Shinji stated. "How about something caseless? More rounds for the same kick."
"Mercs, M29 ATARs or M41As?" Shinji turned and stared at the three weapons the other man held.
"We're supposed to be fighting in a space station," he commented. "Do you really think that bringing a gun loaded with 10mm HE is a good idea?"
"Maybe not," Paulsen replied as he set down the M41A. "Plus, if you've got a 30mm grenade launcher, you've just got to use it, right?"
"Right," Shinji replied. "And there's no way in hell I'm using a 4.5mm rifle, so the ATARs are out." Paulsen nodded. "Mercs with the 12-gauges."
"M590 hand-portable system," Shinji stated. "I want something that makes a big boom if we need it." Paulsen grinned broadly, then frowned and looked around.
"What the hell is that God-awful racket?" Shinji glanced around as well, trying to pinpoint the source of the incessant buzzing that was starting to give him a headache.
"Over there," he declared. Paulsen turned and stared at the figure coming towards them.
"Is that Asa on a moped?"
"Guess he thought gas prices were too high," Shinji replied.
"Fucking Jew," Paulsen grumbled.
"Hey," Shinji snapped, "you can only make jokes like that if you're the opposing minority."
"Really?" Paulsen asked.
"I guess," Shinji replied. "I mean, I know a lot of black guys who ride the white man, but start calling racism if the white man says anything."
"But, everybody busts on the Jews," Paulsen protested. "It's like, an international hobby or something."
"Next you're going to start on Zionist conspiracies," Shinji groaned, rubbing his temples. Paulsen's mouth opened to say something, but Shinji cut him off. "If the Jews really ran the world, do you think the global economy would be this bad?" Paulsen's jaw closed with an audible click as he thought about that one.
"So, what's this big surprise you told me about, Boss?" Shinji turned and grinned as he saw Asa walking towards him.
"We have a new job," Shinji stated. "We're going to space." Asa's face lost all color and he stared at the spaceship.
"I hate flying! What the fuck makes you think I'm going to space?"
"I have a hunch," Shinji stated as Greaves snuck up behind the man and promptly butt stroked him.
"Nyargh!" Shinji grinned as the leader of his second team slumped and went down face first.
"Good boy Greaves," Shinji replied as he dug a treat out of his pocket and gave it to the American before scratching him behind his ear. "Now go load him up."
"Right Boss!" Shinji turned and noticed a large white van speeding towards him. It screeched to a halt and the rest of his team piled out.
"Please tell me this is what it looks like!" Bowski squealed.
"We're going to space!" Shinji exclaimed. That led to several loud squeals of joy.
"Did you guys just hear that?" Shinji turned and saw Yuki walking out of the spaceship. "It sounded like a bunch of teenage girls just got told they were going to meet the band."
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Shinji stated with great dignity.
"Oh." Yuki watched as Greaves dragged Asa into the shuttle. "You know, it might be easier to get him to seek help for his phobia instead of knocking him senseless every time he needs to fly." Shinji scratched chin and considered that.
"You know what?" he asked. "I don't think that doing the right thing for him would be the right thing for all of us. I think we'll stick with what works for now."
"Whatever," Yuki grumbled.
"So, what's the Captain's name?" Shinji asked.
"Cuervo!" Yuki exclaimed happily. "Finally, a normal pilot."
"That wouldn't be Jose Cuervo, would it?" Shinji asked.
"I think so," Yuki answered. "Why?"
"You don't drink much Tequila, do you?" Shinji asked.
"Oh, no! I have a bad history with Tequila. I haven't touched the stuff since college."
"Whatever," Shinji stated. Yuki stared at him blankly.
"Alright. Get everyone loaded up so I can begin the briefing."
"You heard her!" Shinji cried. "Load up! We're going to space!" There was a loud cheer and a stampede for the boarding ramp.
Shinji twitched relentlessly in his seat as the television screens on the wall showed real time video of the Earth falling away. "Alright ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. At this time we will disengage from our booster plane and begin our final ascent into orbit. There will be a noticeable jolt, but don't worry, its perfectly normal."
"I'm going to kill you all!" Asa wailed. Somebody hit him again and he fell silent once more with one last loud "Nyargh!" A bone-jarring jolt shook them all and Shinji watched eagerly as the world fell away even quicker.
"We're weightless!" someone cheered.
"I don't feel so good," someone else added.
"If anybody pukes, I'm going to make them eat it!" one of the stewardesses snapped. Someone in the back of the ship swallowed noisily.
"This is your captain again," the ship's captain reported, "we have reached our orbiting altitude and you are now free to move around the cabin if necessary." Shinji immediately reached for his buckle, but a hand smacked his away.
"I don't think so," Yuki snapped. "None of you move!" She unbuckled herself and floated easily into the aisle. "Alright, everybody listen up. The reason why I interrupted your vacation. . ."
"Again!" Shinji interrupted. "And who says you can brief my men!" He unbuckled himself and cursed as he floated out of his seat. After a moment of awkward twisting and snickers, the first from Shinji and the second from everyone else, Shinji managed to take his place in the aisle.
"You're just pissed that I scared away another of your one night stands," Yuki stated.
"Well. . .yeah!" Shinji snapped. "Did you see the knockers on that one?"
"They were nice," Yuki admitted.
"They were very nice," Shinji corrected. "Anyway, listen up! This is a rescue mission. We're heading for a top-secret space station in search of some blue-haired chick."
"Who owns the station?" Paulsen asked.
"I guess whoever's paying us," Shinji stated.
"Does anybody know what we're rescuing her from?" Mao asked.
"Nope," Shinji replied. "
"Aliens again?" Mao asked. Shinji frowned at that.
"Have we ever fought aliens before?" he asked.
"That thing Weyland-Yutani sent us after was an alien," Jalal answered.
"The one with acid blood?" Shinji asked. Jalal nodded. "I thought that thing was a lab experiment, or their answer to Umbrella's BOWs or something."
"Nope," Mao stated, "totally an alien."
"Well, I'll be damned. Gotta add 'alien killer' to those business cards," Shinji muttered. "Also, since we're so far from help, I decided to bring in a new man. This is Doctor Nick."
"Hi, everybody!" Doctor Nick yelled, turning in his seat to wave at Shinji's team.
"Hi Doctor Nick!" everybody, even Yuki and the stewardesses, yelled back.
"This is going to be a great job," Shinji decided. "Right Kenny?"
"Mrph," Kenny agreed through his ever-present orange neoprene balaclava.
"You can say that again."
"We're coming up on the station's orbit, Captain," one of the stewardesses reported.
"Uh, thanks," Shinji replied. He shot a glance at Mana. "Captain?" he hissed.
"They think you're a UN special operations team," Mana whispered back. "As long as they believe that, they're going to charge the UN for this little trip."
"What will the UN say?"
"They can't keep track of shit," Mana stated. "I used to work with those idiots. They'll just pay the bill without asking questions." Shinji stared at the woman.
"I'm a woman," Mana stated simply.
"Yeah and for once, that's actually working in our favor."
Shinji watched absently as his suit's heads up display reported that all systems were green. "Everyone good?" His team counted off in succession.
"Good luck, Shinji." Shinji frowned and tried to glance over his shoulder at Mana before realizing that his suit kept him from doing that.
"What's that for?" he demanded over the open com network.
"Well," Mana began, "this is going to be a very dangerous job. I just figured that I should wish you luck. Don't worry about me though; I've already got another job lined up if you all die horrible deaths."
"Women," somebody grumbled. With that, the ship's airlock's out door opened and Shinji pushed off into the emptiness beyond.
"Don't forget Asa!" he called back.
"I got him Boss," Jalal replied. Shinji's fellow team leader was currently tethered to Jalal by a long rope wrapped around his neck. Jalal gave the rope a tug. "Come along my pet Jew."
"Why did we give the Muslim the Jew on a rope?" Paulsen asked. "That just sounds like its going to end badly."
"Oh please, Jalal isn't a real Muslim, he enjoys the partaking of booze and pigs way too much," Shinji pointed out.
"Hey, fuck you!"
"There is that video we have of him and Asa having that pulled-pork sandwich eating contest," Bowski commented.
"You taped that?" Jalal shrieked in horror. "I just want everyone to know, my mom is dead."
"She lives in Idaho. Next door to Asa's mom actually."
"Fuck." Shinji decided that floating pointlessly in space was rather. . .well. . .pointless at the moment so he thumbed the controls for the tiny booster pack on his back and shot towards the space station with a small burst of compressed air. "You know, no one has made any Christian jokes yet."
"The Christians do a better job making fools of themselves without us commenting on it," Shinji replied. "Besides, molestation jokes kind of seem like they're in bad taste, you know?"
"Good point," Jalal admitted.
"So that's it," Reinhardt murmured, a silence falling over the team. "Odd looking thing, isn't it?" The station was made of a long central shaft attached to the surrounding rings by a single thin tunnel each that barely looked strong enough to hold them in place. There was also an escape shuttle anchored at each end of the shaft.
"Why aren't there any lights on?"
"I've got a bad feeling about this," Mao commented. Shinji ignored them both and carefully reached for the small computed mounted on his left wrist. Experience had long ago taught him how sudden movements in space were a good way to send a man tumbling off course like an idiot. He flipped up the computer's protective cover and grinned. The screen told him that it had already accessed the station's system. He punched in the entry code he had been given and a rectangle of light opened up in the station's otherwise silhouetted large main ring.
"Alright," Shinji rasped, carefully unslinging his Merc rifle as he drew closer to the entryway. "No more goofing off until we've secured the site. First team goes in first, second waits for our signal. Doctor Nick, you stay with Second Team."
"Okay, everybody!" Doctor Nick replied.
"Copy," Bowski replied as second team's leader because the real second team's leader, Asa, had been gagged inside his armored spacesuit with a length of duct tape. Shinji slipped into the airlock and waited as the other three members of his team followed him in. Once they were ready, Shinji punched the access code into the screen on the wall and the outer door closed. Slowly, gravity took hold and pulled Shinji to the ground.
"Artificial gravity's still on," Mao stated.
"Yeah," Shinji grunted as he consulted his computer again. "Lights are out. Night vision's a go. There's no light inside, so expect thermal primarily. Standard clearing procedure."
"Flash or frag?" Mao asked as he took his position near the door.
"Negative," Shinji stated. "I'm not showing any thermal signatures. I'm killing the lock's lights." The lights went out and Shinji's HUD immediately switched to night vision, the tiny amount of light from the keypad as well as the infrared light on his rifle provided more than enough light to see by. "On my mark." Shinji punched in the first few numbers, stopping at the last. "Three. . .two. . .one. . .mark." He punched the button and the doors opened.
Reinhardt pivoted right, Paulsen took left and Mao moved straight up the middle with Shinji close behind, checking the ceiling.
"Oh, not again," Reinhardt complained. "Right side clear."
"Left side clear," Paulsen added. "It's never a good thing when we show up and everybody is already dead."
"Front clear," Mao stated.
"Overhead clear." Shinji lowered his weapon and sighed as he spied the bodies littering the floor. "Oh Christ. I am so sick of these shenanigans."
"At least these ones aren't all torn up again," Mao commented. He grabbed one of the bodies that had been leaning against the wall. The head promptly tumbled from its shoulders. "Oops, never mind." Shinji sighed again and punched his radio's push to talk button.
"Come on in guys. You aren't going to like this one."
Asa jerked off his helmet as the pressure equalized and ripped the duct tape away from his mouth. "You ass holes!" he spat. The three members of his team plus Doctor Nick just stared at him. "Oh, right, you can't hear me, can you?"
"I can read lips," Greaves replied over the radio.
"So many talents, such a small fucking brain," Bowski commented. The inner door opened and they climbed up into another slaughter house.
"Oh, God damn it," Asa grumbled.
"Hi Headless Bodies!" Doctor Nick exclaimed. Much to Asa's relief, none of the implicated bodies responded.
"Zombies again?" Bowski asked.
"This ain't zombies," Shinji stated. "What do you think Doc?"
"They have lost a great deal of blood," Doctor Nick reported. "Ya?"
"Ya," Shinji replied in a tone he hoped made it obvious that decapitated bodies usually lost a great deal of blood.
"Look, look! Where did all ze blood go?" Shinji wondered why the man was speaking with a German accent all of the sudden. "Do you see anything? How does your modern science explain zat? Can you explain zat?"
"I can't explain zat," Shinji replied. "Zat's. . .that's why you're here. Kenny, stay with him. Everybody else, buddy up. We're sweeping this shit hole from top to bottom. There will be no surprises this time and as little stupidity as possible."
"Why's everybody looking at me?" Greaves asked.
"I'm looking at both of you," Shinji stated, moving his accusing finger between Greaves and Reinhardt.
"What I'd do?" Reinhardt protested.
"So, it wasn't you throwing zombies into rooms in Afghanistan?" Shinji asked.
"Oh, that," Reinhardt replied as he scratched the back of his helmet sheepishly.
"Yeah, that," Shinji stated. "Six decks. Jalal and Bowski will guard the main elevator on this level. This will be our fallback position if the shit hits the fan. Divide and conquer boys, everybody takes a ring, just don't forget that we're here to save a princess."
"Let's just hope this one isn't a pain in the ass like that Asuka chick," Asa commented.
"Yeah," Shinji agreed with a dreamy smile. "She did have a sweet ass."
"And the Boss is officially in his own world again," Bowski commented. "This is why we can never hire women for our team."
"And here I was thinking it was because they'd end up throwing themselves at the Boss like all women seem to do," Mao stated.
"All except Yuki," Greaves stated.
"She's gay," Mao pointed out.
"Yeah," Shinji cut in. "And she's pissed that I get all the chicks with big knockers. That's why she's always scaring away my one night stands. Let's go folks. I do not want to be bum rushed by the mother fucking undead again."
"Actually, zombies are the walking dead," Asa stated. "Vampires are the undead."
"You don't say," Shinji replied.
Shinji pushed his knife between the elevator doors and glanced across the elevator shaft at Mao. Mao nodded and Shinji wrenched the doors open. Mao pulled himself out of the hatch easily in main elevator's weak gravity and swept the connecting tunnel leading from the main elevator shaft to the level's ring. Shinji followed him, the artificial gravity getting stronger as they moved outward, and looked around. "Holy shit. How many fuckers were on this station?"
"Well, this lot makes thirty along with the guys we already ran into," Mao stated. "I bet this station could support a few hundred. Who needs a few hundred men in a secret space station?"
"More importantly, for what?" Shinji asked.
"That is a good question," Mao stated. "You want left or right?"
"Left," Shinji replied as they moved through the hatch out into the level's outer ring where the gravity was much closer to normal. "See you on the other side." Shinji shouldered his Merc and started down the left side of the ring, sweeping the hallway with his weapon's infrared laser. He was halfway around the circle before his earpiece crackled.
"Hostile?" Shinji demanded as he spun on his heel and charged back the way he had come.
"Don't know!" Mao snapped. "Fuck. Fast as hell. Engage?"
"Is it our princess?" Shinji demanded.
"Can't tell. Fuck!"
"Mao?" Shinji slung his Merc and drew the heavy M590 pistol from its holster on his thigh as he came upon a rather strange scene. Mao's attacker had the tiny, pissed off Chinaman in a rather complicated come along hold. "Freeze!" Shinji roared, raising his weapon with one hand as he reached into the pouch on his left hip for a glow stick. He smashed it across his thigh and dropped it as it burst into brilliant white light. "Oh, that's brilliant Mao."
"Shut the fuck up!" Mao gritted.
"Release my subordinate," Shinji ordered, his voice booming through his suit's speakers.
"Remove your helmet," the woman ordered, her voice being picked up by Shinji's suit's external microphones. She was too hidden in Mao's shadow for Shinji to make out much. Shinji sighed and tapped the tracker on his M590 with his trigger finger.
"You know what this is?" Shinji asked.
"It's an M590," the woman stated. "I didn't know they were issue yet."
"They aren't," Shinji stated. "We have friends on the inside." The blue tracking ring appeared on the woman's forehead and turned red. "You try anything, I'm going to put an explosive round in your head. Deal?"
"Deal," the woman replied. "Your helmet, now." Shinji carefully broke his suit's O-ring connector at his throat and pulled off his helmet before clipping it to his back.
"Now, you release my man."
"Open your mouth," the woman ordered.
"Oh, fuck me rigid," Mao groaned. "That just figures. Do you give off pheromones or something?"
"Not that I know of," Shinji stated before opening his mouth. The woman stared at him carefully before releasing Mao, who staggered forward and began rubbing his arm. "Care to explain?"
"I thought you were them," the woman replied as she stepped into the glow stick's light, revealing short blue hair and crimson eyes.
"You look familiar," Shinji stated. The woman stared at him as well.
"Rei?" The blue-haired woman stared at him with an unreadable look.
"Is there a single woman on this planet that you don't know?" Mao demanded as he jerked his helmet off. "Now how about something more important, like what the fuck did you think we were?"
"Vampires of course," Rei stated.
"Vampires," Shinji repeated. "Right."
"I didn't believe it at first, either," Rei stated.
"Who the fuck said I don't believe you?" Shinji demanded. He hit his radio's push to talk. "Listen up! This is Ikari. Everyone back to the airlock we came in through. Me and Mao got the princess, so shoot anything you see moving, then cut its head off."
"How can you so readily believe me?" Rei asked.
"We have. . .experience with these kinds of shenanigans," Shinji stated. "Let me guess, this station belongs to NERV, right?"
"I am not at liberty to discuss that," Rei answered.
"My old man set us up again. I am going to kill my father," Shinji stated. "Or I'm never going to take another anonymous job again. I've yet to decide which."
"You can forget the second," Mao commented. "You'll always do the job for the right money."
"No arguing there," Shinji replied. "Hey Kenny, we're coming back, okay?" He frowned as nobody answered. "Kenny? Kenny, speak up. Hit the tone button if you're there." There was not a sound. "Oh fuck."
"I am going to kill your father," Mao stated.
"Get in fucking line."
Shinji wrenched the doors to the elevator shaft open and Mao leaned through, sweeping the space beyond with his Merc. "Who are you working for?" Rei asked.
"We're guns for hire," Shinji stated. "Someone hired us to save you, so I'm betting on NERV."
"I see," Rei stated.
"Clear," Mao stated. "I see a few figures down below, but they're got our IFF beacons." Shinji leaned into the shaft and looked down to see a few figures shuffling down the elevator shaft. The computer-generated overlay on his HUD made the figures pulse blue, despite the chemstick they had kept lit for Rei's benefit.
"Right." He glanced back at Rei. "You know what happened to the elevators? We couldn't get the damn things to work."
"The vampires destroyed them to limit our mobility," Rei stated.
"Really?" Shinji asked. "That's weird. It's helped us quite a bit." He slung his Merc over his shoulder and stepped out into the elevator shaft's zero gravity. He grabbed the ladder to anchor himself and waited as Rei climbed in and Mao followed her, letting the doors close behind him. The trip down the shaft was both amusing and quick. They found the rest of the team waiting outside the hatch that led to the third floor. "What are we waiting for?"
"You," Asa stated. "We aren't getting an answer from Bowski and Jalal or Kenny."
"Alright," Shinji growled. "Greaves, get on the door. Open it on my go. Team one enter first. Asa, watch the princess." Greaves pulled himself up so that he was floating upside down over the elevator doors while Shinji's team readied up. "Ready?"
"Set," Shinji's team and Greaves replied.
"Go," Shinji ordered. Greaves ripped the doors apart and Shinji's team swept into the connecting hall. They charged up the hall in a standard tactical column, only to find Jalal and Bowski playing rock-paper-scissors. "Oh for fuck's sake! What the fuck are you two doing?" They turned and stared at him. "Somebody give me some kind of excuse or I'm going to shoot you both."
"Their radios have been destroyed." Shinji turned and saw Rei standing behind him. "The vampires used the same tactics on us."
"Did she say vampires?" someone asked.
"Yup," Shinji replied. "We are dealing with vampires, folks."
"Fuck. Is it just me or are our occurrences of shenanigans increasing?" Asa grumbled.
"Why do you keep saying shenanigans?" Rei asked.
"It's our code word for the really weird shit that seems to happen to only us and no one else," Mao growled. "God damn shenanigans!"
"Must still be pissed about Val Verde," Shinji whispered to Paulsen.
"Wouldn't you?" Paulsen whispered back. "Oh wait, you do have slobbering women chase you around regularly, don't you?"
"It does seem to happen," Shinji replied, "though rarely that hairy." Mao spun and stared at them, apparently having overheard them.
"Speaking of which," he declared, "guess who just happens to know the only women on this space station!" All eyes turned on Shinji.
"What?" he asked. "Don't tell me you're surprised by that. Are you?"
"Fucking figures," somebody grumbled. There was a rather great deal of grumbling after that from everyone else as well.
"Hey!" Shinji turned and saw Mao standing by Bowski and Jalal. "Their radios aren't damaged, they're turned off!" Shinji promptly stalked forward and slammed their helmets together, smiling at the hollow sounds of their heads pinballing around inside said protective devices that filtered over their, now turned on, radios.
"Now where the fuck is that other dumb ass?"
Fortunately, 'that other dumb ass' wasn't fucking around. Unfortunately, that other dumb ass was missing, his empty rifle thrown on the floor with a loaded magazine near it. "Doc?" Shinji ventured, raising his Merc.
"Hi everybody!" Shinji nearly jumped out of his skin as he spun and found himself pointing his rifle at Doctor Nick.
"Hey Doctor Nick," Shinji replied. "Where's Kenny?"
"They took him," Doctor Nick replied cheerfully.
"Who?" Shinji demanded.
"Them." Shinji turned and found that the good doctor was pointing at a severely mutilated body. He kneeled and inspected it carefully. The body was a mess of missing flesh and lacerations. Perhaps, most heinously, his underwear had been pulled up and over his head, the waistband hooked under his chin.
"An atomic wedgie?"
"That's just wrong," Mao stated.
"Yeah," Shinji agreed as he stared at the man's clothes. Instead of a spacesuit, the man was wearing an, honest to God, Nazi camouflage uniform with Schutzstaffel runes on the collar.
"That one tried to grab me so I had to do terrible, unspeakable things to him," Doctor Nick stated cheerfully. "His friends fled in revulsion when they saw what I was doing."
"Uh. . .good work, I guess," Shinji ventured. He glanced back at Rei. "Why is this guy wearing an SS uniform?"
"A what?" Asa demanded. He walked over and stared down at the body before promptly kicking it several times in the ribs.
"Asa?" Shinji asked. The taller man glanced back at him and chuckled sheepishly.
"Sorry. Jewish knee jerk reaction."
"Ah. I'll allow it." Asa nodded his thanks and landed a few more blows.
"Wait a minute, you did this Doc?"
"Absolutely," Doctor Nick replied.
"Just what the hell kind of doctor are you?"
"Doctor Nick is a multi-PhD," Shinji stated. "He has degrees in applied mathematics, pediatrics, adult medicine and sports medicine."
"And gynecology," Doctor Nick added.
"I didn't know you had your hand in that," Shinji commented in surprise. "So, an SS uniform."
"Forgive me," Rei stated, "I had forgotten to mention that the vampires appear to be Nazis as well."
"Nazi Vampires?" Shinji asked.
"In space!" someone called from the formation.
"What a twist!" a man called as he burst from a side passage. Shinji unloaded two rounds from his M590 into the man's chest and watched him slam back against the wall.
"That is Professor Shyamalan," Rei stated. "He isn't a vampire, though I did think he was dead."
"Not to fear!" Shymalan rasped, blood dripping from his mouth. "I survived the several rounds you put in my chest by complete accident, Miss Ayanami."
"Wonderful," Rei replied dryly. Of course, she said just about everything dryly. Shinji stared at the man and then down at his pistol.
"You didn't engage the tracking," Asa stated in annoyance.
"What?" Shinji asked.
"You're wondering why he didn't blow up," Asa stated. "You didn't engage the tracking system. Without the tracking, the rounds won't detonate." With that said, Shyamalan's torso exploded and Shinji grinned at his second in command.
"I made some modifications," he stated happily. "The timers still need work though."
"I see," Asa deadpanned. Shinji went back to considering his latest nemesis.
"So," he began, "Nazi Vampires in Space."
"That looks to be the size of it," Asa stated.
"I need a new job," Shinji state.
-Author's notes. Alright folks, its snack and carbonated beverage time again. Part 2 will be up in a day or so with a complete author's notes, so save questions until after. Happy Halloween!