Oh my god, I'm doing a Bleach fanfiction. Never thought I'd see the day...

Warnings: Angst, Slash/Yaoi, Language.

Pairings: Implied for now, but future GrimmjowxUlquiorra

Summary: "It kills me to love you, So I hate you." Grimmjow just can't take it anymore. Ulquiorra's gone, and part of him is too. The only thing he can hope for now is death, right?

Disclaimer: Evil-Neji does most certainly NOT own Bleach


My name is Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. Espade Sexta. Call me what you want, but that's not the point here. No, the point it that I'm breaking. Slowly breaking apart on the inside. Underneath my vulgar shell, underneath my outward appearances, I'm dying. Shattered and lying on the ground without anyone to help me. And it's all my fault, dammit! I fucking did this to myself! Some twisted attempt at redemption turned into an unintentional scuicide.

I'm scared and I'm fragile and I'm pathetic. Why?

I killed Ulquiorra.

No, let me correct myself. I didn't kill him, I trapped him in an alternate realm. I think that that bothers me more then it would if I had killed him. Though I don't think he particularily cares. Actually, he probably would, but he wouldn't piss and moan about it like I would. No, He'd just keep it all bottled up or state it in a way where you wouldn't be able to tell if he was really bothered or not. That was one of the things I loved about him.

Yes, I loved Ulquiorra, and I'm being forced to see that now. I don't know when it started. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I didn't even know what it was at first. All I knew was that I wanted him. I wanted to be near him, I wanted I wanted to hear his deep voice saying my name, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself and I hated him for making me hate myself, so I did everything in my power to stop myself from showing anything other than hostility toward him. It worked, but not so well as it could have. I can still remember how enraged I'd get whenever he would state something stoically, and I'd yell and take it out on him, instead of myself for how I always found myself captured by his alluring was everything that I wasn't and in turn, he made me whole.

Please, don't give me any crap about how 'guys don't belong with other guys' because back then and even right now, I don't really care. It's not even really like I swing that way overall, Ulquiorra was just special. To me, anyways. I don't think that I'd really have cared what the other Arrancars wouls have thought, as long as I could have had him. I wanted to embrace him and have him talk to me without me hiding underneath my protective facade. He was beautiful, too, with soft black hair and haunting green eyes that looked at the world with perpetual indifferance and sorrow; I don't think I'd ever seen him smile. His skin was like white porcelean that looked as though it might break if you so much as touched it, but that would have been a grave misunderstanding. If I knew one thing above all about Ulquiorra, It was that he was damned strong, worthy of being the 4th Espada.

I'm rambling aren't I? Damn, I feel like such a girl right now, but I can't stop what I'm feeling; I can only warp it to hurt others.

Do you remember when Aizen sent Ulquiorra and Yammy to the Human World to search for that orange-haired Soul Reaper? I got really fucking pissed then. I don't know why. I think that maybe either I was worried, or I was jealous that I couldn't have gone rather than Yammy. Then after they left I was just so confused that I cried once I was alone. Next thing I knew I was yelling at Ulquiorra, calling him weak. as though I had the right to say that... Then I stormed off to Karakura Town to try and kill the cause of my episode. After that Tosen cut my arm off ,saying that 'my raid lacked purpose'. Not that that bastard would ever understand.

And then later, when I fought Kurosaki and that bowl-cut Visored? Ulquiorra appeared and grabbed my Zanpakuto. I swore I was about to yelp like a little dog when i registered that he was standing so close to me. I remember my breath hitching in my throat for a split-second. Then I replaced my foreign feelings for spite and I growled at him. I was just such a pathetic bastard that couldn't handle my feelings.

I still can't. But at least I can face them now.

Before it was like I...was trying to keep my longing under control by shoving it to the back of my mind whenever I could. Convincing myself that I had myself under control by overriding it with hatred. What's that word called again? Right, opression.

But nothing of what I've finally accepted feeling is going to change what I've already done. I thought that if I got rid of Ulquiorra, I'd stop being such a wreak. That's why I did it. But now I'm almost sure that I destroyed what little left of me that was intact. That's why I'm saying this, because i know that I don't have it in me to keep it bottled up anymore. It's also why I'm doing what I'm about to do.

That's why, right now, I'm leaving Hueco Mundo and heading for the Human World. I'll go to Karakura Town. Maybe, hopefully that Kurosaki Soul Reaper will be there. Maybe he'll kill me, and free me from this living hell.

Because as it is, living is more painfull than any death, without Ulquiorra.


So, you like? read and review and tell me what you thought.(next chapter should be longer, it was longer on lined paper, I swear!)

Sorry for any spelling or grammar errors in this story, but my Wordpad doesn't have spellcheck.

And yes, this will be a GrimmjowxUlquiorra fanfic later on, so if you don't like Yaoi, DON"T READ IT!