This Time

Summary: She wants this time to be right. She wants this time to be everything. She wants this time to come.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.


Sometimes she wonders when "the future" is. It was such a vague statement. She had so many questions about it, most of all, when the future was.

Three years passed and the future still hadn't come yet.

She had hoped for Thanksgiving, Christmas, maybe Valentine's Day. She had even waited in his suite after high school graduation, but he never came.

So she had packed her bags and headed off to Yale as she originally planned. He went to Princeton, which was a particularly bold move.

She's see him over the holidays, but they'd never interact if only a measly greeting that she initiated.

He didn't have a girlfriend; that much she heard through the grapevine. She started to wonder if there was something wrong with her. Had she lost her appeal? Did he never really want her?

But she's reassured that it's not her, but really the circumstances. She still has old pictures of them on her nightstand in her dorm, ranging from kindergarten to the summer after junior year. There weren't any pictures of them together after that.

She still has the Erickson Beaumon necklace. The dress he gave her. The little things that she wouldn't utter about to anyone else.

Whenever someone opens the door, she turns around sharply to see if it's him. But it never is.

She straightened the curls he always loved. She changed the scent he always desired. She even attempted to tone down the bitchiness, but it didn't work as well as she hoped.

Her hair is still a deep chocolate brown even though the sunlight in Connecticut could have easily lightened it. She doesn't get out much. She hates the color of her hair. He always complimented her on it. It's tainted now.

Most days, she's cooped up in her room, sighing as she turns the pages of her notebook. She's not much of a party girl. She planned on joining on a sorority, but alas, he would approve of it. So during Rush Week she fades into the background.

She's not exactly the shining star she thought she would be. It bothers the hell out of her. She blames him for ruining her. But sometimes she really is her own worst enemy.

She avoids looking in her mirror. She'd really be wallowing in self-pity if she did that. She's never considered herself to be beautiful, but he called her that. And that just makes things worse.

The future was so vague, so unfortunate. It seemed impossible to find the future.

She wants to move on, but she somehow doesn't. She insists her Prince Charming will come. The question is, was he her Prince Charming? Was he ever going to come?

He was a mysterious character. But she was tired of all this mystery. She wanted something solid.

She stops turning around when someone opens the door. Her hair gets lighter. Things change.

Her third year of college starts. She slowly loses faith in him until the day comes that she doesn't think of him at all.

The pictures on her nightstand slowly change into pictures without him. He's not a person anymore, only an entity. Her past.

She's still alone. She doesn't have the courage to find someone else. Maybe, deep down, she's still waiting for him.

One day, when she's looking through her bags, she finds the black dress she wore to his father's funeral.

He died before the end of senior year. She showed up because they had an understanding of each other then. He kept face during the funeral.

He cried that night. She stayed with him at the cemetery until the dark overtook their eyesight and he stumbled home. They went their separate ways after that and never talked about it again.

And then she starts thinking about him. He still doesn't appear in the doorway.

She goes home over the holidays. She looks him in the eye a bit more. She has longer conversations with him. She's braver. She's ready. She wonders if he is.

She heads back to school at the beginning of the New Year without saying goodbye to him. The game has gone on too long. She's tired of it.

She hates being unhappy. But this is what he does to her. It is an impulse of hers.

She tells herself continuously that she is better off without him. She'll get over it someday. But she knows that he is her other half. She is not complete without him.

So she still waits until he is ready to take a leap of faith. He's like lightning. Maybe one day she'll catch him.

It wasn't supposed to be this hard. Once upon a time, they were happy. They were best friends. She was thinking about forever.

But all she wants is right now.

Her life becomes as interesting as she finds The Hills to be. She really is wallowing in self-pity. She realizes how unhappy she is without him when she sees a butterfly wander through the campus one afternoon.

At that moment she looks up at the sky and closes her eyes tight. She wishes for what seems to be impossible. The only thing she wants is him. If she has him, she has everything.

This time she wants it all. She wants nothing less but everything she's hoped for. If she doesn't get what she wants, she decides there is nothing to live for. So she holds onto the small hope that her wish comes true.

That night she turns around when someone opens her door.

She finally says hello to her future.


Author's Note: This was just a little something I thought up after watching the last episode of Gossip Girl. Now, I hope the CB reunion doesn't take this long (and it probably won't). Tell me what you think! Remember, reviews are love! They put a smile on my face. Thanks, Cass