Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: PG
Warnings: Slash
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. Dialogue used in this story is based on lyrics from the song ''If I Were Gay'' owned by Singer Stephen Lynch(singer and lyricist). No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended

Summary: Short fic based on the song ''If I Were Gay'' by Stephen Lynch.
Author's Notes: This is the very first Harry/Draco fanfic. I haven't written in a few years now. Thanks to YourOctober for beta-ing this. She's wonderful!


Really, he had no idea how they always seemed to end up this way. Inter house parties were on a high ever since the war was over and butterbeer and firewhiskey were the principal requirements. On numerous occasions did Harry wander off to end his soirée with Malfoy, drinking up the last of the alcohol.

He spotted Malfoy sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. Tonight, the party had been in Gryffindor and Malfoy had three or four red and gold ties around his neck. Obviously, he was already too drunk to take notice or to be concerned.

Harry plopped down beside him. He took another swig of alcohol and slurred loudly at his companion.

''Still here are you! Ha! Who would've thought! Us… Drunk…''

''Again,'' replied Malfoy, trying to make a serious face. Harry giggled and pushed Malfoy drunkenly on the shoulder.

He looked around. Ron was trying to gather a sobbing Lavender up and Hermione was laughing her hair off while being pushed into her dorm by Blaise and Pansy. Cho and Crabbe were going through the portrait hand in hand and the twins were playing spin the bottle with Crookshanks and Neville's Toad.

'Maybe the firewhiskey has gone to my head,' he thought.

He made himself comfortable and had another gulp of alcohol before he felt a hand rubbing at his thigh.


The hand circled slowly.


''You know… If I were gay, I'd be completely in love with you. I think you would be my life's accomplishment. God, I would even want to be all romantic for you!''

Malfoy's eyes widened.


Harry seemed thoughtful for a moment, then gazed back at Malfoy.

''Yes. But… I'm not. Gay, that is. So if you would grant me the pleasure of getting your hand away from my crotch…''

Malfoy pouted and removed the offending hand, crossing his arms and turning to face the fire.

''You're such a tease, Potter,'' he whined.

Harry rolled his eyes and handed Malfoy another bottle of alcohol.

Malfoy swallowed half of it before bringing it down on the floor with a depressive sigh.

''Ah, come on, Malfoy! It's not that I don't care about you. I do, really…''

Malfoy turned his head and glared at Harry.

''I just don't see myself…''

''You what? You don't see yourself with--''

''In you.''

Malfoy almost gagged.

''What?'' he demanded, wiping the excess liquid off of his chin.

''Well you know… maybe if we weren't in my Common Room… I'd be right behind you…''

Malfoy's eyes widened even more.

''That's not what I meant, Malfoy!''

''Oh… I know perfectly well what you mean, Potter.''

''Oh, good!'' he answered, sighing and leaning his back onto the front of the couch.

'''Cause, you know, if I were a poof… I would give you my soul… probably.''

Malfoy turned around and straddled Harry's legs.

''So… if you liked me, would you give me your hole?''



''Oh… yeah, sure,'' Harry visibly relaxed but then stiffened again. He tried to shove Malfoy off but his drunken state prevented him from doing so.

''If you were gay… I would fuck you against the wall right now, Potter,'' he whispered in Harry's ear.

Harry's breath hitched.

''B-but I'm not. Malfoy? Stop cupping my ba--''

''Your hands, right, sorry Potter',' he replied, rolling off of him. He landed at his side and tried to sit upright in order to grab his bottle of firewhiskey.

''Forgot you weren't gay…''

''So did I…''

Malfoy managed to lift an eyebrow after several unsuccessful tries and stared at him.

''Care to explain?''

''Well… I think I might really like you.''

''How would you know! We've never hugged! We've never snogged!''

Harry watched as Malfoy tried to count his reasons with his fingers and he took the last sip of his bottle.

''I've never licked you! I've never felt my cock in your first!''

Now it was his turn to choke and sputter.

''I've never held you tight! I've never whispered your name! I've never made you shudder with desire! I've never fucked you so hard that you would come again and again and I've ne--''


''Oh, no, wait! I'm not finished!''

'' Malfoy… drop your trousers and come here.''