Patrick Jones Presents:
It started out just like any other day, as most days do. I woke up, looked in the freezer, and realized that I was out of butterscotch ice cream. So, as any person would do in such a situation as this, I put on a leather jacket and headed out to the grocery store. It was a LONG way to the grocery store, and by the time I got there, it was already starting to get dark. I approached the large, fortress like, doors, which I assumed all grocery stores had. I stepped inside. Everything seemed normal. I looked around, there were around ten employees working that night, but I didn't see any customers. Before long I spotted what I had come to the store for, butterscotch ice cream. I walked over to the freezer which held the ice cream. I reached in and grabbed hold of about fifteen containers of ice cream, all with one hand. I turned and began walking towards the checkout. There was no lineup. I set my ice cream in front of the cashier.
"Will that be all?" He asked.
"Yes." I replied. The cashier began ringing the ice cream through. While I was waiting I noticed a rather sharp, dirty, jagged piece of metal laying on the ground by my feet. I did what any person would do. I picked it up and began playing with it. Before long, I cut myself. The cut was deep and bloody. I stood there for a moment looking at my wound, unsure of what to do. I looked back up at the cashier. He too had noticed my wound and was staring at it intensely. "M.Y.O.B." I said to him. He continued to stare. "Don't you speak English?" I questioned, "M.Y.O.B!" It was then that I saw the most frightening image I have ever seen. The cashiers skin turned a scaly green, and his nose receded back into his face. Two fangs appeared in his mouth. He tilted his head back and let out a long hiss.
"Dude," I began, "You're not cool just 'cause you can do that."
"Well you're not cool just 'cause you're wearing that leather jacket." Replied the cashier, now a blood sucking vampire.
"Ouch." I said, "You just burned me so bad." The cashier let out another long hiss. He leapt up onto the checkout counter and looked down at me. "You're boss would get you in trouble if he saw you doing that." I warned. The cashier hissed one last time before leaping out at me, ready to bite. I stepped to the side at the last second and the cashier missed me. He hit the ground with a thud. I grabbed my ice cream and began walking towards the door. Like I would even consider coming back to this place again! As I got close to the doors, another employee stepped in my way.
"Your not going anywhere." She said. She transformed into a vampire, just like the cashier. She took a fighting stance. I remained calm. I set my ice cream on the ground, and began walking towards her.
"HIYA!" I exclaimed as I delivered a roundhouse kick to her face, literally knocking her head off her shoulders. The now decapitated employee stumbled around, still alive despite her missing head. I grabbed a nearby chair and smashed it over her back, causing her to drop to the ground. I grabbed one of the broken chair legs and thrust it through the employee's heart. She instantly stopped moving. The key to defeating these vampires, was of course, staking them through the hearts! I grabbed another chair leg and looked around. I was now surrounded by nearly ten vampires/employees, including the cashier. I held the chair leg, ready to use it. The vampires all stood there, not moving, watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. The cashier jumped at me. I instantly jammed the chair leg into his heart, then pulled it back out. Green slime sprayed out of his open chest wound like water sprays out of a sprinkler.
He stumbled around until the slime stopped spraying, and then he dropped. The rest of the vampires ran at me. I staked one, and another one, and another one, until I was surrounded by vampire bodies and covered in green slime. No vamp was left standing. "And that's the end of that." I said proudly to myself. I dropped the chair leg and began walking towards my ice cream, which had begun to melt. I picked it up and walked out the front door into the dark parking lot. It was still night. The doors closed behind me. As I looked around the parking lot, I froze. There in the parking lot, were what appeared to be hundreds of vampires, even uglier than the ones I had fought in the store. I had no stakes, no chair legs, no weapons of any kind. Right then, at that moment, in that parking lot, it was just me, the vampires, and my butterscotch ice cream. I closed my eyes and waited for the end, but the end didn't come. I opened my eyes. The vampires were running around in a frenzied panic. Some were on fire. At first I didn't understand, but then I saw it out on the horizon, the sunrise. The parking lot was becoming brighter and brighter as more and more sun was hitting it. The sunlight was causing the vampires to burst into flame and drop dead. I watched as the number of vampires shrunk and shrunk until none remained. I looked at the butterscotch ice cream in my hands. It was completely melted. I dropped it and walked across the parking lot. It was a LONG way to the next grocery store, but for butterscotch ice cream, it was worth it.