Behold, my first foray into the world of fanfiction. This story is the result of too much sugar, not enough sleep, and a rough draft character that just simply wouldn't die. She took over I say, she took over! My poor hard drive has never had to experience something like that before. *sob* I have to go scrub it with iron wool now.
DISCLAIMER: I never have and never will own Redwall.
WARNING: This has not been beta-ed so, any mistakes are entirely my own.
That said, enjoy!
* * * * * * * *
A Sue by Any Other Name Would Still Smell
'Hell's gates', Anela thought to herself as she crept through Mossflower Wood. How she longed to take her twin sabres and hack her author's muse into tiny pieces. Who in their right mind would try to write a character profile after a large intake of sugar, no sleep, and with a thesaurus nearby? It just wasn't smart. Anela ground her teeth in frustration. And instead of taking care of the rough draft turned Mary-Sue, her lazy author decided to just rewrite the character, create Anela, and send her out to get the Sue. So, here she was, slinking through the woods, and wishing to be back at Redwall Abbey living up to her reputation as the otter that could eat like a hare.
She turned south, traveling deeper into the woods, following the trail of dirt and sand that all seemed to sparkle and shine like small diamonds. The leaves on the trees were as green as emeralds and allowed streams of golden sunlight to filter through. The bark on the trees was soft chocolate brown velvet. Everywhere she turned, Anela saw more and more traces of the Sue working their way into the very groundwork of Mossflower.
Growling in annoyance, she had climbed on top of a fallen log when her nose was assaulted with the most horrifying scent she had ever encountered. All the sweet scents of all the flowers in the known world, and many not, hung in the air. Anela grunted in satisfaction and began following her nose till she arrived at one of the many clearings scattered in Mossflower. This was a clearing unlike any other Anela had ever seen. Here, the birds sang sweetly and in harmony with each other. The grass was a smooth blanket of green, with not a single blade out of place. The sky above was a clear sapphire blue and only contained white puffy clouds that looked as insubstantial as spider web.
In the center of the clearing, sat an ottermaid. Her pelt was a deep earthy brown, but all over her were single hairs that seemed to be the color of flame, so that every time she moved a long, thin, perfectly formed limb, her fur seemed to glow as if it were on fire. She was clothed in velvets of the richest royal purple, trimmed with gold and silver threads, and scattered all over her tunic were pearls of various sizes, all of a perfect moon-like quality. Her eyes, were the most captivating things in the world. All the colors of the rainbow danced and swirled in her irises, while her pupils were two large incandescent orbs of sorrow and mourning, yet still containing an inextinguishable hope for a brighter tomorrow. As Anela watched, the eyes of the Sue-maid filled with diamond-like tears.
"By the fur, you have got to be kidding me." Anela said as she walked into the clearing. "What in all of Mossflower Wood do you think you are doing?"
"Mock me not, fellow woodlander, for you see before you a most miserable and wretched creature." The beautiful ottermaid lifted her tear stained face to Anela, her physically impossibly large eyes overflowing, while not messing up one hair of her pelt. "My name is Le'ale'a Ho'opi'i Rosewhisper Rainboweyed, Hope of the Stars, Spirit of the Sun, and Singer of the Melody of the Soul of the World. My family was a simple clan of otters. We lived by the shore until a fleet of vermin pirate ships came in the night, and slaughtered my whole family. I managed to escape, barely alive, and eventually found my way to Salamandastron, where the Long Patrol and the Badger Lord took pity on me, and taught me everything they know about fighting. The Badger Lord even crafted for me this mighty sword, called Starstreak, in order for me to get my revenge. Long did I wander, and many perilous adventures did I encounter, until I tracked down the callous vermin who slew my family. I fought with them all, and learned that I was cursed with the Bloodwrath. Ever since then I have been wandering, searching for a peaceful place where I could rest my head for a short while, before I am forced to leave again, to spare my friends the Bloodwrath." The Sue looked up to Anela, expecting to see sympathy and kindness, only to find her doubled over with laughter.
"You, ha ha, can't be serious! That's the worst backstory I've ever heard! Ha ha ha ha! Don't you ever choke on your own name, you Sue? He he he he!" Anela dropped to her knees, still laughing hysterically.
"My name is not Sue!" The Sue cried. "It's Le'ale'a Ho'opi'i Rosewhisp-"
"No, no, no! Don't say it again!" Anela said, rising back to her paws. "I'm sorry I made fun of you. Listen, I've been searching for someone, and I think you're it. There are only a couple otters in the entire world that can do this, and I've been searching for one who can."
"Name it, sweet otter-sister! I assure you I am capable of many things. For although I am kind and meek in spirit, I am a fearsome warrior who could charm the stars out of the sky with my voice. I could-" Anela held up a paw, forestalling any further Sue-ness.
"Can you do this?" and with that, Anela stuck out her tongue and touched her nose.
"Of course I can!" the Sue said, and she stuck out her small, delicate, pink tongue. However, her tongue was too small and delicate. She could not reach her nose. She tried various poses, including bending over so her chin touched the ground, trying to reach her nose. Anela smiled, and pulled out her twin blades. As the Sue tried another pose various contortionists would have been proud of, Anela slashed sideways and chopped the Sue in half. The Sue dropped to the ground and instantly turned into a mass of pink, frothy, puffs.
"Hmmm..." Anela sheathed her swords, and approached the pile, thoughtfully stroking her chin with one paw. "I hadn't expected it to be so easy. Maybe it's because she was a rough draft? Although, it's odd how much that looks like cotton candy." She stuck out one paw and grabbed a handful (pawful?) and brought it to her nose. "Smells like cotton candy too." She sniffed it again, and cautiously brought it to her mouth. "BLLLLLEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! YUCK YUCK YUCK!" The pink foam flew in every direction as Anela tried to scrub the taste from her mouth. "EEWWWWW, gross gross gross!!" Turning wildly, she rushed to the River Moss, where she proceeded to gulp down half of the river. "Waaaahhhh! That was so disgusting!" Walking quickly back to the clearing, she proceeded to roll the Sue-y gooey remains into the River Moss, where it floated down to the sea. Satisfied with her work, Anela turned and headed back to Redwall Abbey, hungering for anything and everything to clear the Sue taste from her mouth.
In case anyone was wondering, the Sue remains were eaten by a pike who was instantly transformed into a opalescent, scaly fish of wonderful and legendary strength with eyes like pools of molten gold, who soon became the bane of all shrew and otter fishers, alike.
* * * * * * * *
Ouch, this hurt. So as stated above, this is my first fanfiction. In fact, this is my first finished creative work that wasn't a poem. I hope you liked it, and if you did leave a review. If you didn't, I really don't care. And all constructive critics will be rewarded with an infinite supply of cyber-cookies.
EDIT: Someone was asking if Le'ale'a Ho'opi'i meant anything, so I thought I would do a quick edit to say, yes it does. I felt very clever when I renamed her for this Sue-bashing fic. with her name. It's Hawaiian for "Merry Sue".
EDIT TO THE EDIT: Anela is Hawaiian for "angel". Go me!