He had made it clear this wasn't a romance. No, Love didn't suit them. No, Light knew what all of this was. Sex. It was sex, plain and simple. All just a way to cope with their needs.
There weren't any strings attached with the sex. No feelings, no emotions, not even talk. And that was exactly how they wanted it. Right? Right. Besides, it did no good second guessing himself. As he snuck out of bed from beside L's sleeping figure, a rarity in itself, that's what he repeated to himself. Play, Stop, Rewind. No feelings, no ties, no hurt. Play, Stop, Rewind.
With his (not so) reassuring cycle set in motion, he could tell himself it didn't hurt. That it never had hurt. That there was no stinging, desperate emptiness attempting to consume him as a whole whenever he remembered L's words. "Light-kun, I do hope you understand this is only because it satisfies our needs. I believe it would hinder our work if you were to fall in love with me. More so because I do believe I am incapable of love."
All of it only to ease their tension. Those words proved, that as L pounded into him, carelessly tossing Light into the gripping jaws of blinding pain and pleasure, mixed into such an arousingly dreadful cocktail, that not a single thing was felt towards him.
Therefore, when he looked back at the sleeping face of his only match (friend, rival, lover), he hit Play and pretended nothing was wrong. He pretended, that when he bent down and placed a kiss lighter than a feather on L's dreaming lips, he didn't feel any hurt at all.
The second he hit Stop and left it there, he knew he'd feel again. And looking for an escape from all of the emotional torment, he decided he best keep hitting Rewind and Play. Focused on continuing his pain-free mantra, he failed to notice just how quickly he had reached the roof. He only just realized when he reached the edge. Briefly taking in the stunning view that was Tokyo at night, he wondered if fourteen stories was high enough. If not, he'd have to make sure to go head-first. Play, Stop, Rewind.
Shuffling closer to the lip of the roof, he hoped that L would get his note he had left. What a kick that would be. It would probably take him weeks to understand it. Grinning at such a thought, he wondered what he looked like. Probably a wreck. Like it mattered anymore. Now his toes were over the edge. Just one more move and he would be free. No more buttons to push (Play, Stop, Rewind, Play...), no more feelings, no more anything.
He shifted to move. There were hands, gripping at his forearm, digging desperately to keep their grip. Letting loose a shriek wail of shock, he looked back at his captor.
And suddenly, the play button jammed.
"No! I won't do this! Dammit L, let me GO!"
Fighting with his all, he managed to fall completely off the roof. Hope shot through, but so did a sudden bolt of irrational fear. He wanted this! But he still wasn't free. Not yet.
"I am sorry Light-kun, but I cannot do that. I fear that I would be terribly upset if you were to die, Light-kun."
Trying for a way to get loose from L's grasp, he wondered how L had gotten here so fast. And then he remebered his note, and he decided to fix his Play button.
Finally finding an escape (from L, from pain, from everything), he looked back at L. It was back on, his life line for these past few months. Play, Stop, Rewind. No feelings, no strings, no hurt, right? Exactly.
"Did you get it, L? My note. You'll find it in our-your room."
So he hit Stop, and then Rewind, leaving it there for now, knowing it would all be over soon.
Push Play for me, L.
Love Dearly, Light.