Self Destructive

Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: Criminal Intent

Summary: "Officer down!" - words no wife wants to hear, words that make Alex Eames a little self-destructive, words that lead her to his apartment.

Author's Notes:Funny little thought that crept into my head. Hasn't been beta'd and I hope that you enjoy this!

Two days ago Alexandra Dutton had awoken to a perfect world.

Well as perfect as it could be without it being nauseating like the Brady Bunch. She had awoken to Joseph Dutton lying naked in their bed, in their house in Rockaway. His arm had been wrapped around her petite frame his hair burrowed into the pillow his thick hair the only thing visible. The sun had been out and Alexandra could have sworn she could hear some bluebirds singing or some shit like that.

She had gone to work as usual to fill out some paperwork and then had headed to the Courthouse to testify in a case that should have never made it to court. She seriously couldn't wait until her transfer to Major Case was approved (if it was even approved that was) - working with a real DA and not some kid who still wore diapers was going to be a blessing.

At the end of her day she had gone home and made dinner for herself. She hadn't been expecting Joe to be home until late. Then thirty minutes before he was about to clock off she had gotten the call. She had launched herself into her car and driven to the Hospital.

She had seen her husband die.

In between hearing everyone say their condolences and listening to Joe's parents weep she had had enough. She couldn't take it. Her world was shattered, everything had been drained down the sink. Her sister had noticed so she had taken Alexandra to a bar to get a drink, something to ease some of her pain.

And yet she still hadn't cried.

She had then gone onto fulfil all her 'duties' as a wife. She had done it all and yet no emotion seemed to cross her face. To all the younger ones around her she seemed emotionless but to the older ones they recognised this was her coping mechanism.

Because Alex Dutton did not show emotion.

Soon she had found herself at a bar again, drinking copious amounts of alcohol. She had picked a small place out of the way, somewhere that no one could find her, somewhere where she could cry. But she still didn't. She knew she had to cry - she had too...and yet she couldn't. She felt empty, broken.

Then drunk out of her mind she had driven slowly to his apartment. He was someone she hadn't seen since she had gotten married to Joe. He was someone who had once been a decorated (okay so not so decorated but still) Homicide detective who had lost everything when he had lost control. He was the first person she had fucked since leaving the Academy despite the fact she and Joe had been in a steady relationship. He was someone who was like a drug. Someone who was in many ways just like her.

He was Mike Logan.

She turned up at his apartment and initially he had refused her advances realising that she wasn't in her right mind, that she was drunk. But after her screams, her pleading, her well aimed punches they found themselves doing a horizontal tango on his living room floor.

And with every thrust, every moment of ecstasy the facade of Alexandra Dutton, wife to Joseph Dutton began to crumble away.

After as she lay beside him panting, she hated herself.

Two days ago she hadn't been. But then again two days ago she would have never have thought she'd wind up at Mike Logan's apartment shit-faced having sex. When she did come to her senses she left. He seemed to understand. She hoped he understood.

A month later she did cry when she discovered it.

All her vows had been for nothing. She wasn't sure who it had been - Joe or Mike? She needed to be rid of all this, needed to move on, needed to truly wipe the slate clean. So she changed her name back to Eames and went to the clinic.

And then stood frozen at the front door, crying and completely and utterly lost.