Kenshin Tries to Knock Off Kaoru

Disclaimer: We don't own Rurouni Kenshin. That's a good thing, because our version of Kenshin is probably unpublishable.

Chapter 1

It's been awhile since I've killed anybody—I thought my assassin days were over. I had to quit when the revolutionary government became "official." Hacking people to bits was fun, but it wasn't worth my life. Look at Shishio—assassinated by his own government.

I, Himura Kenshin, am neither clumsy nor dumb. Before the government decided to do away with me too, I "repented," and ran off to be a wanderer.

I quickly found the "innocent bumbling traveler" was the way to go. I'd already perfected the innocent act in order to get girls. Like Tomoe. That was a masterpiece. It could be a bit embarrassing at times, but it's not like I care what other people think of me. Plus, when my true identity takes them by surprise, their fear is all the sweeter. I like using a reverse blade sword because I can slowly torture my opponents to death. My plan is to savor their pain, then leave them "alive" with fatal injuries.

But enough about me. Let's go on to more of my favorite subject. Me. And more specifically, my problems, which all began a couple of months ago. I ran into some weak loser calling himself the Battousai! Of all the nerve! Obviously I had to beat him up, so after I kick his ass, some random black haired chick runs up to me and starts babbling about how I've "saved her life." I give her a look, but she's nothing special, so I turn to leave, but before I'm out the door she yells, "STOP!"

Stupid bitch triggered my combat reflexes; I almost chopped her in two. Fortunately I stopped myself in time…or rather unfortunately, as things turned out.

The girl whined a lot about something. However, I tuned her out, but my ears perked up when she said something about a dojo, and me staying there. I was getting a little tired of wandering, and a dojo sounded like my place to be. Even if it was a dojo with some wimpy motto like "swords that protect life." If she believes that, the girl is crazier than I am.

Staying at that nut house was the biggest mistake of my life. I wouldn't have believed it of that wimpy girl, but she works me like a slave driver. I would have just killed her, but a few too many people knew my identity at that point, and would have turned me in to the government. My damn conspicuous red hair and purple eyes make it hard to take on a new persona. Well, at least the ladies like them. I thought I could use that to my advantage.

That's why I rescued her from Jin-e…girls go crazy for guys who rescue them. That, and Jin-e's crazy laugh was starting to get on my nerves. When he said Kaoru was my woman…well, that was the last straw. He was going to die even if I had to induce him to kill himself.

Backfired like you wouldn't believe. For some reason she just became more harsh and aggressive towards me. She throws stuff and her face gets all red when she looks at me like she's constantly angry or something. I asked Sano why she didn't seem to like me, and for some reason he just snickered and told me I'm clueless. The nerve!

Sano is a low-life criminal who I keep around so in the event I snap and kill someone, I can blame it on him. Who is the government going to believe: me, or that Sekihotai reject?

He should be grateful to me; I rescued that slutty girl he likes, Megumi. She's annoying, but I let her live because her infatuation with me boosts my ego. It proves that, Kaoru aside, I'm still the same irresistible stud I've always been.

While it seems like I'm introducing everyone, I suppose I should mention that dumb, girly-boy that hangs around me. His name is Yahiko, but in my head I call him meatshield. I originally picked him up as a distraction for Kaoru. It didn't work out too well, but I keep him around anyway because, with his ridiculous enthusiasm for throwing himself into fights, I figured I could use him either as a gage to test my opponents, or a temporary stopper to distract one guy long enough for me to torture the other guy to death without interruption. He'll probably die sooner or later, but who cares? Street kids are a dime a dozen, and I can always find some other brat willing to worship the ground I walk on for a little food.

Basically, all of them are a bunch of total losers that I wouldn't deign to use for target practice. But the only one who is really intolerable is Kamiya Kaoru. First opportunity, I'm ridding myself of her presence by any means necessary. And if the method is slow and painful (for her), then so much the better.

Next Chapter: Kenshin travels halfway across Japan trying to loose Kaoru- I mean, fight Shishio. Will she follow him? Well, you already know about that. But will things in this story turn out a little differently than you remember? You bet!