Disclaimer: Ha ha ha! I'm alive! After extensive surgery and rehabilitation therapy I survived being stabbed by the Battosai and have returned to finish this story.

But I most certainly don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Or the Battosai either. I never claimed otherwise! Please don't hurt me!

Is he gone?

In conclusion, I don't want to have anything more to do with that murderous maniac!


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Chapter 5

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There are three basic types of assassinations: the spur of the moment kill, the jobs that require slight planning, and the long-term undercover missions. I never would have believed that a weak little girl like Kaoru could possibly merit a long-term mission, but I suppose everyone must come across a few exceptional phenomena in their lifetime. I think I get more than my fair share.

Kaoru might be a challenge, but she was nothing I couldn't deal with. When I use all my amazing skills, I am unstoppable! Soon I will be victorious and then Kaoru will be nothing but a bad memory.

I began my planning by analyzing what went wrong with my past attempts. I came to one conclusion: it was other people. Specifically I am referring to the group of things that I generously refer to as "loser hanger-on dogs" (Kaoru calls them our friends).

Therefore, I set out to systematically eliminate all of them. The first one to go had to be Saito, or he'd be all over me investigating when the rest of the losers started to die mysterious and extremely painful deaths. Saito seems to like convoluted plots, so for him I went the direct route and challenged him to a duel.

But when the appointed time arrived, the bastard was a no-show. How dare he stand me up! No one leaves makes the Battosai wait!

I prowled over to his office and prepared to make the cowardly dog pay. Then I overheard him telling someone that he didn't show up because it would be a waste of time to fight a pacifist like me. I was tempted to go show him just how wrong he was, but then I remembered that this was just what I'd wanted all along. I'd completely and utterly hoodwinked Saito! Sometimes I'm so great I amaze myself. I realized it was in my best interest to leave him deluded, and quietly left.

In retrospect I think that all-knowing attitude of his is just an act. In reality he's on the same mental level as the rest of those idiots. I almost wish he had made it necessary for me to kill him. In a fight where I wasn't holding back my true strength, he's one of the few people who might have lasted five minutes.

Without Saito to worry about, I could turn my full attention back to the others. Reluctantly, I decided that it would be better not to kill them. That might make Kaoru suspicious, and I wasn't taking any chances. With the way things always worked out so conveniently for her, I was half convinced she was really an evil mastermind.

First, I decided to get rid of Megumi. This wasn't because she was particularly threatening; she was just particularly annoying.

One night I snuck out to her home village, Aizu. There, I "persuaded" them that they really wanted Megumi back home. At first they refused: they remembered the woman for the snobby bitch she was. But, with my fantastic charisma I had little trouble convincing them they really wanted her back. That, and I threatened to kill them all if they dared refuse me a second time.

When I was done, they literally begged Megumi to come back, and Megumi, who loves begging, was happy to comply. One down and two to go.

Sano was actually very easy. He was already criminal scum; it just took a few words in the right ears to put the police directly on his trail. The hardest thing was keeping him from being caught. I didn't want him thrown in jail, where I might be expected to rescue him. Instead, I shipped him off to a foreign country.

A mighty fine piece of work, if I do say so myself. With a little luck he'll catch some foreign disease and kick the bucket.

Last was Yahiko, who was by far the hardest. He was apparently considered too young to set off on his own, though I was fending for myself when I was his age. Plus, he clung to Kaoru like a leech- or maybe it was the other way around.

I made a few attempts at trying to get him killed by teaching him really poor sword techniques, but all that resulted in was me having to save his sorry ass. Finally, I settled on a more temporary solution, just getting him out of the house long enough for me to knock off Kaoru. Deviously, I left him a rather suggestive "come-hither" note in his room and signed it "Tsubame".

He left in a real hurry that evening. I wasn't sure how Tsubame would react, but best case scenario Yahiko would get arrested.

That left me alone. All alone in the house with Kaoru. Mwahahaha.

Screw subtlety. Tonight I was going to go into her room and strangle her with my bare hands.

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Whoa. Oh whoa. I never would have expected that.

When I snuck into Kaoru's room last night, she must have misinterpreted my motives. I was leaning over her about to strike when her eyes snapped open and she reached up and dragged me down by my hair into the bed. And then I…and we…

If you had told me yesterday that this would happen, I would have laughed my head off if I didn't cut yours off first. Not that I'm complaining or anything- no way! I mean, last night was… Well, I'm sore all over, but man it was worth it.

Who would have guessed that Kamiya Kaoru, inept swordswoman and bossy tomboy, is actually sexy dynamite?

I never would have thought that Kaoru liked me. All the other girls who've liked me have acted all flirty and coquettish, not…however it is that Kaoru acts. But what that girl lacks in coyness, she makes up in…um…hehe…style?

Hell, I never liked any of those annoying girly-girls anyway. And I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap from Kaoru in exchange for…you know.

And if Kaoru wants a goofy rurouni, she can have a goofy rurouni. I don't mind keeping up the act, and I can always do a little killing on the side. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Remember what I said about having more than my share of phenomena's in my life? Well, after this no one can say that the Battosai isn't…flexible.

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The End

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Author's Note: And so, the end is revealed! (Bet you didn't see that coming. What can I say; I'm actually a Kenshin/Kaoru fan.)

Hope you enjoyed the story! Thanks to everyone who read it, and a special thanks to those who took the time to review. I really appreciate it!