"Hey, Nonny! NONNY!"
A fieldmouse in her late teen seasons poked her head out of the door of her dressing room. Decidedly miffed that somebeast had disturbed her daily dose of fifteen minutes of peace, she pushed her oval-shaped eyeglasses nearer to her eyes, and bellowed in the culprit's direction.
"What, Pinto? I'm in the process of getting dressed here!"
A round, fat creature that appeared to be an oversized mouse with no tail came up to the door, puffing a bit out of fatigue and frustration. "You're on in five," she said.
"WHAT! But the show doesn't start until…" the mousemaid checked her watch, "fifteen minutes from now! I'm still trying to get my contacts in!"
"Yeah, well, tell that to Newo. He said that if you weren't out there in five minutes, he'd start the show for you, and you really do not want that to happen. Especially in the outfit he's picked out…"
Nonny's eyes widened in a way that seemed painful, and, within five seconds, she was out the door, making a mad dash for the stage.
"Open the curtain, Pinto! NOW!!!"
The studio was capable of holding an audience of a good five hundred beasts, and, even though the show was starting fifteen minutes early, there was not an empty seat in the house. All of Redwall's finest had shown up, on a red carpet gala that, needless to say, involved the typical opening-night customs, like fantastic dresses, flashing cameras, and the rest of that hoopla. The audience was a bit surprised to find that the show was starting early, but nonetheless, when the lights turned down and the purple curtain opened, the studio rang with thunderous applause.
"Ladies and gentlemice," boomed the stereotypical announcer's voice, "welcome to Redwall on Broadway! And here's your host…Nonny!"
The applause gradually got louder as Nonny stepped out, walking to her place at center stage. She was dressed in a long gown that resembled Galadriel's gown from The Fellowship of the Ring, only, instead of white, this gown was a vivid pastel pink that, coincidentally, was Nonny's favorite color. In her right paw, she bore a staff which looked like Gandalf the White's staff from The Two Towers, only, as before, it was pink instead of white, and had a little ruby set in the space at the top. Nonny did not care if she was going a bit over the top with her outfit; it was opening night, she wanted to look pretty, she looked pretty in pink, and that settled it. She was supposed to have her contacts in as well, so she didn't need to wear her clumsy glasses, but nothing could be perfect.
The mousemaid bowed to the audience, her most charming smile plastered on her face. When the applause died down, she straightened herself and began to speak.
"My dear friends, welcome to my first Redwall reality show!" There was more applause, which earned the audience another one of Nonny's bright, I-made-it-through-braces-alive smiles as she continued her speech.
"Yes, yes, I know I'm awesome." This produced some scattered laughter. "I guess you're all wondering what Redwall on Broadway is actually supposed to accomplish."
"Yes!" roared Dandin, who had mysteriously received a front-row seat, compliments of the house. A deep red blush suffused Nonny's cheeks and neck at this, and she had to stop and collect herself a little bit before she continued.
"Well," Nonny continued, with another charming smile, "this show is for all of you music buffs out there, who love Broadway shows and Redwall, and would like to see them combined."
"But Redwall already has an opera!" shouted Mariel, who was not amused at Nonny's apparent crush on Dandin, even though she had also received an on-the-house ticket right next to her warrior partner.
The pink-clad mousemaid nodded uncomfortably. "Um…I know that, but this is different. I will not be writing a musical for Redwall, I will be casting Redwall characters in musical numbers that already exist in my world. Every two chapters will feature a different song; the first chapter will feature my reasoning on why I chose the songs I did and why I cast each character in their role, and the second chapter will feature the performance of the song itself."
"Oooooooooh," the audience said, showing that they got what she was talking about. Nonny nodded, and smiled again.
"Now, before we get into the real stuff…oof!"
Here she was abruptly interrupted as a tan, brown, and green blur tore out onto the stage and stepped in front of her, pushing her off her footpaws as it did so. The blur stopped moving long enough to let the audience recognize it as a light-colored adolescent male weasel, with black headfur that came just below his ears in a tacky-looking bowl cut. He was dressed in a large fruit-covered hat, a grass hula skirt that came down to his ankles, and, as the piece de resistance, a coconut bra on his skinny chest. The odd creature gave the audience a goofy smile, before he threw his head back and began to sing in a loud, off-key voice that made everybeast cringe and cover their ears.
"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *gasp* AAAAAAAAAAAAA...cucaracha, la cucaracha! Enchilada blah blah blah!" As he sang, the crazy little mustelid began to wiggle his hips in a way that would not look good on any male, much less the Butt-less Wonder Weasel. "La cucaracha, la cucaracha! La di da di da di…"
"AAAAAAAAAARGH!" cried Pinto, rushing out onto the stage and tackling the miscreant to the ground. All the audience clapped, simply out of relief that their eardrums were not being assaulted any more.
Nonny picked herself up, brushed the wrinkles out of her dress, and cleaned her glasses before going on with the show. The smile reappeared on her face, but now, it looked fairly strained.
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," here she glared at the weasel, who was muttering nonsense into the stage floor as Pinto continued to sit on him, "before we get into the real stuff, I must make a few introductions. First of all, the lovely young maid who just rescued your hearing is Pinto, my pet guinea pig, whom I have brought into this realm of fanfiction to act as my stage manager and/or personal body guard."
Pinto bowed her head, and was greeted with wild applause and several appreciative wolf-whistles.
"Secondly," Nonny continued, "there is my announcer and lights manager, Andrew. Say hi, Andrew!"
The stereotypical announcer's voice boomed out over the studio once more. "Hi Andrew!" The audience laughed, and looked back at the light's booth above the balcony, where they could dimly make out the shape of an otter waving at them cheekily. Nonny fondly rolled her eyes, and continued.
"Finally, there is an introduction that I had hoped not to make, but, given the circumstances, I now have to." Here she glared again at the weasel, who was still pinned to the stage floor and not going anywhere anytime soon.
"This, is Newo, pronounced like Nemo with a w, your new worst nightmare and my new reason for loving aspirin. He is the side effect of my awful first experience with interdimensional travel, the details of which are too gruesome to be described to an audience including some Dibbuns."
Gonff the Mousethief stood up, and stared shamelessly at the weird little weasel. "What is he?"
The mousemaid sighed, and placed a forepaw on her face. "Oy, where to start? I think…I don't know, but I think…that he is a new classification of Stu, which I have dubbed Random!Stu."
The audience, upon hearing this, immediately fished for the swords, hammers, gullwhackers, pitchforks, and lighted torches they had brought, "just in case." They were about to start the usual angry mob, but Nonny rapped the bottom of her wizard-staff on the floor, which sent a shock wave through the studio. Stunned, the audience halted any and all activity, placing their attention on the mousemaid in pink.
"Save your energy! He can't die! Believe me, I've tried, but I can't kill him. I wish I could, because I accidentally created him…accidentally, people! I didn't mean to!" The angry mob was about to start up again, this time craving Nonny's blood, but she sent another shock wave through the studio and they immediately halted.
"It was a freak accident, I assure you," she said, much more calmly than before. "Like I said before, I will not describe the experience, but Newo is the result of that experience. He is my ultimate random moment, a character that is the combination of Jar Jar Binks, a weird surfer dude character called Owen from an educational game I'm obsessed with, the Phantom of the Opera, Gerard Butler, Michael Crawford, Sir Percival Blakeney, Anthony Andrews, Douglas Sills, Jack Sparrow, Jack the Monkey, Cosmo from The Fairly Oddparents, and, no doubt, a bunch of other characters that I have yet to discover. He possesses all the characteristics of these characters and/or real people, except their sexiness if they are sexy. He gets the immortality from Jack the Monkey."
The audience stared in pure, unadulterated horror at the weird little weasel, who was still making muffled noises into the stage floor. "Have y'tried poisoning him?" asked Veil the Outcast, whose red-stained claws twitched from a desire to follow his advice.
"Only with every known toxin known to man, beast, or Sue, and then some, with no success." A disappointed sigh reverberated through the audience.
Nonny sighed as well, and turned to Pinto. "Take him off stage, and lock him in the closet." The brown-and-white guinea pig nodded, and frog-marched Newo backstage.
The mousemaid in pink turned back to the audience, and smiled her charming smile again. "However, he is completely harmless. We don't even need to spray him with Rector's trademark Anti-Sparklypoo, because, so far, he has proven to be unattractive to even the most flirtatious of female weasels, and does not show any athletic or warlike tendencies whatsoever. So, no need to be alarmed, he's just annoying and a bit of an attention grabber."
The audience sat down in relief, but they were still a bit on edge. After all, with a Random!Stu on the loose, who wouldn't be?
Nonny sighed, and rubbed her temples, suddenly feeling the onset of a headache. "Now," she said, "on to the boring stuff. I do not own Redwall, any of the characters from Redwall, or, in fact, the idea of having a Redwall reality show, which I hear is the idea of Kelaiah the ferret. I do not own any of the musicals that will be portrayed in this show; I may own the soundtracks, but not the musicals. The idea of having my real-life pet on stage with me is the astounding idea of Adderstar of Valorclan. I do own Pinto, and, unfortunately, Newo, but I do not own any of the characters and/or real people Newo is based off of. More disclaimers will be stated as the show continues.
"Now, on to the fun stuff." The audience cheered, especially the members of Dab, who had almost fallen asleep during the disclaimers. Nonny grinned.
" This is where you can get involved! I have some ideas for songs already planned, but, sadly, not many. If you want to see a particular Broadway number, all you have to do is put a letter into the little periwinkle-colored box near the stage, saying the song you want performed, what musical it is from, and which Redwall characters you want to be in the starring roles. It doesn't matter if the Redwall characters can actually sing, just try to get a song that matches their story line somewhat. Try to keep the songs PG; no Sweeney Todd or Full Monty, people, there are Dibbuns in the audience.
"Our first song will be: 'Loathing,' from Wicked. Enjoy!"
And, with that, the mousemaid walked off the stage.
Virtual cookies to anyone who can guess the Shakespeare reference I made in this chapter!
For those who don't know, Michael Crawford and Gerard Butler both played the Phantom of the Opera, one in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical and the other in the movie based on that musical. Anthony Andrews played Sir Percy Blakeney (aka The Scarlet Pimpernel) in the 1982 movie, The Scarlet Pimpernel; Douglas Sills played Sir Percy in the Broadway musical, which was based on the same book as the movie. All four men are fairly hot; Butler and Andrews because they look good, Crawford because he has a beautiful voice, and Sills because he has both good looks and a good voice. Unfortunately, none of these traits are part of Newo's persona.