DISCLAIMER: Voldemort, Harry Potter, and other characters and ideas from the Harry Potter books belong to J.K. Rowling. Other characters and situations belong to their creators. All characters used for purpose of parody.
Truth or Dare: Death Eater Style
It was a normal day in the Gryffindor common room. In one corner of the room, Harry and Ron were playing Wizard Chess (with Harry losing badly) and Hermione was studying. On the other side, several fourth and fifth-years were sitting in a circle, playing some sort of game.
"Hey Ron! Harry! Wanna play 'Truth or Dare'?" shouted Dean Thomas across the room. Harry groaned.
"What's that?" Ron asked.
"It's a silly Muggle game that immature girls and boys play," said Hermione. "Trust me, you wouldn't like it."
"Come on!" Dean pleaded. "We need another guy! Harry? Are you in?"
"No thanks." Harry sighed.
"What's wrong?" Ron asked.
"My scar's been tingling this evening. Nothing serious, but I was just thinking that whatever Lord Voldemort is up to, it isn't something as innocent as 'Truth or Dare.'"
"'Truth or Dare'? What a marvelous idea," said Lord Voldemort. "Why, it's been decades since I've played that!" Lord Voldemort was meeting with his inner circle of Death Eaters at the manor of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, including Wormtail, Nott, MacNair, Avery, and Severus Snape.
"It's very popular at Hogwarts," Snape explained. "All the Slytherins are into it, and I feel it is very important to stay in touch with young wizards."
Lucius Malfoy looked annoyed. "But it's such a silly, Muggle game. Draco hasn't mentioned anything about-"
"Are you questioning my judgment, Lucius?" Voldemort asked.
"N-no, my lord."
"Come on, dear. It'll be fun," said Narcissa. She smiled at the Dark Lord. Malfoy frowned.
"Now, if I remember correctly, we all sit in a circle on the floor and take turns asking the next person whether they wish to reveal a Truth or perform a Dare. And remember that Lord Voldemort knows when you are lying, yes, he always knows…" Snape rolled his eyes. "Sit, my Death Eaters."
Snape watched the Death Eaters sit in a circle on the floor of the Malfoy's vast parlor. He took a spot on Voldemort's left. Next to him was MacNair, then that fool Pettigrew, then Nott, Avery, Mrs. Malfoy, and Lucius Malfoy was at Voldemort's right. Snape allowed himself a silent chuckle. "The fools!" he thought to himself. "Little do they realize that I am secretly in league with Dumbledore, and this ridiculous game is the beginning of our plan to make a mockery of Voldemort and the Death Eaters!"
"You're spying for Dumbledore?!" MacNair exclaimed.
"That was an internal monologue! You're not supposed to hear that!" Snape snapped.
"Severus, as this was your idea, you will go first," said the Dark Lord. "Now. Truth… or Dare?"
"Truth," Snape replied.
"Are you a spy for Dumbledore?" Voldemort asked.
"Curses! It's backfired!" Snape thought. "Um… does being a double agent count?" he asked.
Voldemort stared at Snape.
"You had me worried for a second there, Severus. Now I believe it's your turn to ask."
Snape turned to MacNair. "Truth or Dare?"
"Double Dare!" exclaimed MacNair. The other Death Eaters "ooooh"ed in appreciation.
"Very well. I Dare – er – Double Dare you to slay the beast that dwells in the Cave of Caerbannog! Your death awaits with nasty sharp pointy teeth." Snape smirked.
MacNair turned pale. "Master…"
"Come, MacNair, it was a Double Dare. You cannot refuse it," Voldemort advised. "Now, to the Cave of Caerbannog!"
The Death Eaters (and Snape) Apparated to the Cave of Caerbannog. Voldemort, Malfoy, MacNair, and Snape looked down the rocky terrain, strewn with bones, to the opening of the cave.
"Where is it?" asked Malfoy.
"There it is!" pointed Snape.
"Behind the rabbit?"
"It IS the rabbit!" Snape exclaimed.
"What?!" MacNair shouted. "You silly sod!"
"You had us all worked up!" yelled Malfoy.
"He's vicious!" said Snape. "The teeth! …Look at the bones!"
"What's he going to do? Bite me on the bum?" taunted MacNair.
"Oh, go and kill it, MacNair," Voldemort commanded.
"Right away, lord." MacNair picked up his battleaxe and advanced. He raised it over the tiny white bunny, when suddenly it leaped up, seized his shoulder, and chewed his head clear off.
"AAAaaaaah!" MacNair screamed as he died.
The Death Eaters stared in shock. "I warned him!" Snape gloated.
"Not much of a hunter, was he," Voldemort observed. "Oh well. Let us return."
Back at Malfoy Manor, the Death Eaters reformed their circle.
"As MacNair is no longer with us, you may ask Pettigrew the next question."
"That's one down!" Snape thought to himself. He turned to Wormtail. "Truth or Dare?"
"What was your most embarrassing moment?"
Pettigrew turned red. "The time you and your Slytherin friends walked in on me when I was-"
"AAH!" Snape screamed. "Bad, BAD memory!"
Voldemort grimaced. "I believe we will not require any further… detail, Wormtail."
Pettigrew turned to Nott. "Truth or Dare?"
"Er… what's your favorite color?" Malfoy rolled his eyes.
"You lie," Voldemort sneered. "Tell us your true favorite color. We have no secrets here."
"Don't anger me!"
Nott looked down. "…" he muttered.
"PINK?! Your favorite color is pink? How… precious!" The other Death Eaters snickered. "Now, Nott, don't feel too bad. It's your turn to ask now."
"Truth or Dare?" Nott asked Avery.
"Dare!" Avery proclaimed.
Nott grinned. "I dare you… to make out with Narcissa!"
"What?!" Malfoy screamed. "You will do no such thing! Not in my house, with my wife!"
"Now, now, Lucius, it was a Dare, and we're all adults here. At least Avery wasn't dared to snog with you."
"Can I change my dare to-"
"NO!" Malfoy shouted.
"Well, Avery, Narcissa?" Voldemort prompted. Narcissa shrugged and leaned in towards Avery. Their lips touched.
"WoooOOOOOooooo!" Snape, Nott, and Wormtail teased. Lucius Malfoy glared in rage at his wife and Avery, then began to reach for his wand.
"That's enough, you two," the Dark Lord ordered. Avery moved away from Narcissa and asked her:
"Truth or Dare?"
"Truth," she smiled.
Avery turned red. "Who do you have a crush on?" Malfoy groaned audibly.
Narcissa smiled again. "My husband."
"Ah, Narcissa," Voldemort intoned. "You are not telling the whole truth. Who do you really fancy."
Narcissa's ears turned scarlet. "…, my lord."
"You, my lord."
"WoooOOOOOooooo!" Snape, Nott, Avery and Wormtail went again. Malfoy stared, his left eye twitching furiously.
"Well, Narcissa, I'm flattered. Not particularly surprised, but flattered. Of course I would never think of making any moves on my friend Lucius's wife."
"Of course, my lord." Malfoy spoke through gritted teeth.
"I believe it's your turn to ask your husband?"
Narcissa turned to Lucius. "Truth or Dare?"
"Truth," Malfoy glowered.
"Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Never," Malfoy replied, his eyes blazing.
There was a pause. "Well, that was fun, and… enlightening," said Lord Voldemort. "Thank you for the idea, Severus. Pity about MacNair, of course. And now-"
"I believe," Lucius Malfoy interrupted, "there is still one person left to go."
"Ah, thank you, my friend. I almost forgot! It's my turn, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," Malfoy answered with controlled fury.
"Well? Ask away!"
"Truth… or Dare, my Lord?" Malfoy smiled, his eye still twitching.
Voldemort took a breath. "Triple. Dog. Dare."
The Death Eaters sat back, shocked. Only once before in history had a wizard ever chosen the unholy Triple Dog Dare. According to legend that wizard had been the infamous Sargon the Omnipotent, and his Triple Dog Dare had led to not only the sinking of Atlantis but also the conversion of the fifth planet of the solar system into an asteroid belt. Only Lucius Malfoy grinned in insane triumph. On a Triple Dog Dare, a wizard could be asked to do ANYTHING.
"Very well, my Lord. I… Triple Dog Dare you… to Apparate into Hogwarts…"
"A challenge, but not impossible for one of my abilities."
"…confront Harry Potter…"
"Excellent! I've been looking forward to finishing the squirt!"
"…and tell him a Pernicious Poem," Malfoy finished. Snape, who had been shown far too many Calvin and Hobbes strips by Dumbledore, stifled a laugh.
Voldemort looked puzzled. "Is that one of the poems of the mad monk Amontillado, whose awful rhyme can shrivel the very soul?"
"Not… exactly, my Lord." Malfoy leaned over to the Dark Lord and whispered in his ear. Voldemort's expression turned to shock and rage.
"WHAT?! Are you mad? I will NEVER!!"
Malfoy smiled madly. "I believe it was a Triple Dog Dare, my Lord."
The other Death Eaters regarded Voldemort expectantly. He sighed.
Malfoy sprang to his feet. "Accio Paint Can!"
Five minutes later, in the Gryffindor common room…
"Checkmate!" Ron gloated. "Wow, Harry, I didn't think it was even possible to lose in just one move."
"Honestly, you two, why aren't you studying?" Hermione scolded. "O.W.L.s are coming up and – EEEEEEK!" she suddenly screamed.
"Y-Y-You Kn-Kn…" stammered Ron, staring directly behind Harry.
His scar tingling, Harry Potter sprang up, turned around and pointed his wand at the figure he knew must be behind him. "VOLDEMORT! How did you get in here?"
"Apparition. It's something only real wizards can do."
" But it's impossible to Apparate on the Hogwarts grounds!" Hermione whined.
Voldemort glowered at Harry, clenching his wand in one hand and what looked like an open can of paint in the other. "Don't believe everything you read in Hogwarts, A History, Miss Granger!" he sneered. "Listen closely, because I'm only saying this once!"
Voldemort rolled his eyes, cleared his throat and began to recite:
"Now this is a poem,
So do what I say.
And this is a bucket
Of paint, Platinum Gray."
He grit his teeth and continued.
"Now dump this bucket,
On top of my head!
Do it right now,
Or I'll kill you all dead!!"
Voldemort clamped his eyes and turned his back to Harry. Harry looked from Voldemort, to the can of paint, back to Voldemort, back to the paint. He smiled a twisted grin.
Eight seconds later, back in Malfoy Manor…
Voldemort Apparated into the center of the circle of sitting Death Eaters, dripping head-to-toe in gray paint. He glared at Lucius Malfoy.
"Master," Malfoy nodded, keeping a straight face with superhuman control.
Voldemort turned to Snape.
"You. This is your doing, Severus! It was your idea to play this stupid game! You set this up deliberately to humiliate me in front of everybody! You really ARE a spy!" Voldemort leveled his wand at the trembling Snape. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"
A spray of gray paint shot out of the wand and hit Snape in the face.
"That's funny," muttered Voldemort, looking curiously at the spluttering Snape. "It's never done that before."
Suddenly Lucius Malfoy started giggling. The laughter spread to the rest of the Death Eaters, and in seconds even Snape and Voldemort were convulsing on the floor in uproarious belly laughs.
After five minutes, when the laughter had died down, Voldemort sat up. "I haven't had that much fun since we put that huge giant condom on Big Ben! What shall we do now?"
"Let's go to the Ministry and moon Fudge's window!" shouted Avery.
"Excellent idea! Last one there's a Squib!"
The Death Eaters vanished, leaving only Wormtail.
"Every %#&ing time…" he muttered before also Disapparating away.