KEVIN SMITH'S JESUS
I do not own this by the way.
This is based on the Kevin Smith stand up/ Q &A session when he talks about his own version of a Jesus film.
Jesus walked down the crowded street, whistling gently to himself. He saw a figure on the side of the road, dishevelled and rugged.
"Hey you skippy, lighten up. Here's some fish." Jesus tossed him a piece of fish. "Here's the bread, coming atcha." Jesus then chucked a loaf of fresh bread onto the tramp. Suddenly, a battalion of roman soldiers came trooping through the square. The two leaders looked vaguely familiar.
"Come with us." Said a short bearded one.
"Because you're… hey, randall, why do we have to arrest them?"
" Because we fucking have to. I swear Dante, sometimes you can be such a little fuckin bitch. Anyway, Jesus, you fucker, come with us." Randall said.
"Fuck" Jesus oathed. A nearby woman fainted.
"Be easy, man, I mean I wasn't even supposed to be here today."
"…unless he uses a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him." Said Brodie. Then he realised the whole concession were staring at him and T.S.
"Sorry guys." T.S. said. "I was just interested." The large group of people looked back as Jesus was nailed to the cross.
"Fuck not again." Jesus muttered as the cold air attacked his nether regions. At least he could get it over with. At least he could save these people. Fuck it, there he was, the son of god about to cross into his fuckin' heavenly kingdom, about to see the glory of god and the light of heaven… then two ninjas swung in. Ninjas with Uzis. Ninjas with Uzis. The most anachronistic Jesus story ever. The ninjas started firing. Centurions were being hit left and right by bullets. One of the ninjas, clad in black, scaled up the cross, pulled out a hammer and used the claw side to take one nail out, then the other one, then draped Jesus over his shoulder.
"I was supposed to die today." Jesus said, murmuring with shock.
"Not on my watch."
The ninjas transported Jesus to safety and set him down.
"Who are you?" Jesus asked. They took off their masks and it was… Jay and Silent Bob.
"Thank you." God's son said.
"You cannot escape your destiny. You must face Darth Vader again." Silent Bob said.
"Oh, I mean, I see you have constructed a new light saber. Your skills are complete. Indeed you are powerful as the Emperor has foreseen." Silent Bob said again.
"He's on fuckin Return Of The Jedi mode. It's all he fuckin talks about." Jay said.
" Yoda will always be with you." Bob said, then pimped away.
"Sorry about that. I'm gonna go Fiji, to get some p-ussssayyy!" Jay pimped off as well, leaving Jesus to lead a normal life.
"I'm gonna become an accountant," he said to no one in particular, "I like numbers. Multiplication is my bag. You know what, fuck Christianity, I'm a Satanist now. I'll hold black masses while sorting out accounts, yeah. A good life." Jesus said. A nearby girl walking by with dark black hair with a Blood Ties t-shirt and black fingernails suddenly shouted,
"Jesus is down with Satan- YESSSSS!", brandishing the devil horns.
THE END- COMPLETELY CONFUSING IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE Q &A SESSION ON DVD OR IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO KEVIN SMITH IS.