HP FANS: Aaaaamaaaagaaaad! (do the wave)

NON-HP FANS: Wankers.

Chez Riddle

An Old Caretaker named FRANK looks out of his window to see that some lights are on in the posh country house he works at.

FRANK: Aaaaaaiii don't beliiiiieeeve it!

NOBODY: (will get that joke if they have any taste in television)

He shuffles over to the house. Inside he sees Wormtail, a foetus, and Doctor Who.

FOETUS: Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

DOCTOR WHO: I shall do everything you say and more, master.

FOETUS: Oh yes, you will. And Wormtail, go outside and kill the pensioner, will you?

FRANK: I think you'll find you're trespass-


The Burrow

Harry twitches and grunts while he sleeps.

HERMIONE: Harry! Harry, are you alright?

HARRY: Uncle Vernon?

HERMIONE: No, Harry. Your evil relations are the first of many aspects of the book that are to be cut in this 'adaptation'.

HARRY: Oh, right.

HERMIONE: (soothingly) Bad dream, was it?

HARRY: No. Nightmares are what girls have.

HERMIONE: (tenderly) Well, just as long as you're okay. (turns to Ron, pulling out her electric cattle prod) Wake up! Wake up, you lazy-arsed sonofabitch!

RON: What the hell?

HERMIONE: (pokes him) Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up-


Into the Wild

Over the hills and into the woods, to the Quidditch World Cup we go! There's Speccy and Daddy and Mary-Sue, Twin number one and Twin number two, shaggy-haired guy, silent girl with no name-

GINNY: I have a name, dammit!

ARTHUR: Morning, Amos!

AMOS DIGGORY: You know who's awesome? My beautiful, beautiful son!

Said Beautiful, Beautiful Son leaps down from a tree with an athletic grace that would make Nureyev look like a shambling drunk.

ARTHUR: Ah yes, the famous Cedric!

And thus, thousands of new fangirls are born. When the hype for this film dies down, they will disappear for a while. But they'll be back. Oh, they'll be back. For come December 2008 a new age will come. A dark age where over-glorified fanfiction will be released on film, and anyone with the name Edward will have to go into hiding.

Yeah, that's right. I called it over-glorified fanfiction.

Now, where was I?

HERMIONE: Oooh, girl!

GINNY: Damn, he fine.

Our party travel up a hill, and they find… a boot.

HARRY: What are we all doing round this manky old boot?

Urgh. Note to Kloves – don't ever try to be down with the kids again. Your slang is even older than you are. Why don't you just get Harry to say his wand is 'bling-bling', and have done with it? Wanker.

ARTHUR: Grab the boot, kids!

EVERYBODY: Wheeeeeee!

Campsite of Pretty

Our intrepid party enter a tent that's bigger on the inside than the outside. Get used to this tent. We'll be seeing a lot of it during a long and boring episode in the Deathly Hallows film where Ron buggers off leaving Harry and Hermione to be tedious and useless together without interruption.

Not to insult pairing Harry with Hermione, obviously. I'm sure they'd make a fabulous couple.

Okay, that was a lie.

But I digress…

HARRY: I love magic!

OBSESSMUCH: (vomits)

Stairway of Aryan Villainy

MALFOY SENIOR: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like: it's better than yours.

MALFOY JUNIOR: Damn right, it's better than yours.

ARTHUR: Oh no. Come on kids, walk away. Just ignore them.

DRACO: Look, Daddy! Poor people! Let's curse them!

LUCIUS: I'm warning you, Draco - you can curse the plebeians later, but only if you behave yourself.

HARRY: What was that?

LUCIUS: I said 'I believe in you, Draco! You'll have the world as your oyster, but only if you believe in yourself.'

DRACO: Aww, Daddy!

LUCIUS: (pokes his son with his pimp stick) Don't fawn all over me in front of the underprivileged!

HERMIONE: Um… we're right here, you know.

LUCIUS: Yes, I know. Come, Draco. We have muggles to degrade. Good day to you all. (tosses his Barbie hair and swishes off)

DRACO: Heh. My Daddy's rich. (flicks his boy-band hair and wiggles off)

Stadium of Pointlessness

HP FANS: (drool in anticipation)

LEPRECHAUNS: (do the twist)

RON: Ooooooh, there's Krum! He's the best seeker in the world!

KRUM: Me man! Me kill! Me take meat home to woman, then we do big sexy sex!

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Oh man, I am so excited, I may vomit!

WEASLEY TWIN #2: This is truly the high point of my life!

GINNY: This game is going to OWN!



Back in the tent

RON: That game was the best thing I've ever seen!

HP FANS: (foam at the mouth)

(Outside the tent, there are bangs and screams)

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Don't worry, it's only the Irish!


ARTHUR: No no – it's not the Irish. It's the KLAN!

Out on the Campsite

ARTHUR: Everyone get the hell out of here and stick together and try not to burn alive, okay?


VOICE THAT SOUNDS VAGUELY LIKE DRACO MALFOY: Daddy! Daddy! Look, daddy, look! Look, daddy-

VOICE THAT SOUNDS VAGUELY LIKE LUCIUS MALFOY: Yes, Draco, you can make fire. I've seen it. Watch your Gucci.

HERMIONE: Come on, let's get out of here!







RON: (cries)


Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on you perspective) Harry is separated from his beloved Hermione. And it turns out he is so utterly useless without her that he immediately is knocked to the ground.

Not dead, regrettably.

The Burnt Out Husk Previously Known as the Campsite of Pretty

Hours later, Harry is still unconscious. He is rudely awoken from his slumber when Doctor Who-

DAVID TENNANT: You know, I have played other roles.

Jumps out of his TARDIS-

DAVID TENNANT: Casanova, for one. My run of Hamlet was very successful-

And uses his sonic screwdriver to launch the Dark Mark into the sky.

DAVID TENNANT: I went to RADA, damn it all!

Da da da dum, Da da da dum, Da da da dum, Da da da dum…

On the Hogwarts Express

SWEETIE LADY: Something to eat, boys?

RON: Woe. I'm so poor I can only afford a packet of gum!

Note to Ron – seriously, kid, I like you and all, but some people in this world don't have clean drinking water. Suck it up.

CHO: Two Pumpkin Pasties, please.

HARRY: Pretty!

HALF THE AUDIENCE: (spit up their drinks) Harry's… straight?

Dude, I know.

HERMIONE: Your scar's hurting again, isn't it, Harry?

HARRY: How did you know?

HERMIONE: My eyebrows pick up telepathic messages. I'm actually omnipotent, you know.

HARRY: Seriously?

HERMIONE: Yes. Come the final movie, I'll let you in on the secret regarding the existence of God. But right now, I think you should write to Sirius and let him know what you saw at the world cup, and about your scar.

HARRY: Gee, I'm so glad you're here. I'd never have thought of that without your help.

STEVE KLOVES: (basks in a glow so satisfied it could almost be called post-coital)

International Food Day in the Great Hall

DUMBLEDORE: Students, please join me in welcoming our guests this year. I have always felt it to be my duty as headmaster to encourage cultural diversity and tolerance. Therefore I present to you, in a completely non-stereotypical way, foxy French chicks and brooding Eastern European stud-muffins.

FRENCH GIRLS: Are vous ready for zis jelly?

THE HOGWARTS BOYS: (spontaneously enter puberty)

MADAME MAXIME: Shake it, my darlings, you won't break it.

(Having over-acted his way through the last movie, Devon Murray now reads his lines out like a shopping list.)

SEAMUS: Blimey. That's. One. Biiiiig. Woman.

(He wants her.)

DURMSTRANG BOYS: Fear our big, hard, imposing, throbbing… sticks.

MCGONAGALL: (is aroused (seriously, watch this scene closely, she totally is))

KARAKOFF: Make the females fear you, my boys, and they shall forever be your slaves.

Boy, does this film ever send out a good message about gender equality.

The Newcomers settle down for nibbles.

HAGRID: Hey, wanna see something funny? (spears Flitwick's hand with his fork)

FLITWICK: Aaaaaaaaaargh!

MADAME MAXIME: (phone fingers)

SNAPE: Karakoff?

KARAKOFF: Severus?

SNAPE: Please remove your hand from my knee.

KARAKOFF: You'll get yours, bitch – I can wait.

DUMBLEDORE: This year, Hogwarts will host the Triwizard Tournament! Which Harry Potter cannot enter! At all! Ever! Ah, Alastor. Children, may I present your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher.

MOODY: Fuck you. Fuck you all! (swigs very obviously from a hip flask)

Yes, Newell – subtlety is key.

DUMBLEDORE: And may I also present Barty Crouch, who will have… no purpose this year whatsoever.

CROUCH: (nods)

DUMBLEDORE: And now I give you… the GOBLET OF FIRE! Small print reads – terms and conditions apply. No-one under the age of 17 or with an attractive quota of less than 95 may enter the tournament. Hence I'm looking at Cedric 'wunderkind' Diggory, Fleur 'shake-it-baby' de la Couer, and Viktor 'me-man-you-woman' Krum, and not at Harry 'fucking-fucking-n00b' Potter.

Red Herrings ltd.

Karakoff gives a lesson in how to look suspicious as he sneaks into the Great Hall at night, closing the door behind him while glaring at nothing in particular in the manner of a Hammer Horror villain.

The First and Only Defence Against the Dance Arts Lesson

MOODY: Everybody sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up!

CLASS: (wibbles)

MOODY: Now, who can tell me about the unforgivable curses? Or do I even have to ask that question?

HERMIONE: There are three unforgivable curses, sir.

MOODY: Of course I didn't. And why are they called Unforgivable Curses?

HERMIONE: Because they are unforgivable, and they are curses.

MOODY: Good Lord, you are brilliant, Hermione. WEASLEY!

RON: (squeals) Yes?

MOODY: Give me a curse, you useless little bitch!

RON: Well, er… gee, am I actually being given the opportunity to prove that I know something about the world I've grown up in?


RON: The Imperius curse?

MOODY: Good! Just for that, I'm gonna force this spider to dance all over your face!



NEVILLE: Hey. I'm still tall.

FANGIRLS: Oh, we know.

MOODY: Well?

NEVILLE: The cruciatus curse.

MOODY: Oh yes. Watch and learn, kid. Watch and learn. CRUCIO. Hell yeah, take that, bitch. You see, children, this spider will right now be experiencing pain beyond human comprehension. Pain that would, had the spider the power of speech, make it beg for death. Hypothetically, if one were prolonged to extended periods of this kind of nerve-shredding agony, you would probably lose, say, about 99.9% of your mind, along with the ability to recognise your only son-

NEVILLE: (vomits)


MOODY: Damn, and I thought I was overacting. So, Swiss Miss, would you care to tell us what the final curse is?

HERMIONE: I… I c-can't! I know it's only a spider, and I've never lost anyone I know to this curse, but… I j-just… CAN'T! (breaks down in sobs)

MOODY: Oh god, suck it up! (roasts the spider)

HERMIONE: Oh god, a dead arachnid! I've never seen something so heartbreaking before, ever, ever! My grief outweighs even Neville's!

MOODY: Look, I'm only showing you what you need to know! Remember – unforgivable curses: JUST. SAY. NO.

RUPERT GRINT: (wibbles and whimpers)

EMMA WATSON: (Emma Watsons)

DAN RADCLIFFE: (Is thinking about Cookies)

On the Stairs

HERMIONE: OH MY GOD! I am Shocked. Shocked and Appalled. However could Moody do such A Thing? Honest to God, I will continue to be thoroughly Horrified by that lesson ALL DAY LONG!

RON: I thought it was brilliant!

HERMIONE: You would.

The Great Hall

CEDRIC enters the hall. Wet. And dripping. Dripping wet. And laughing. And wet. He puts his name in the Goblet of Fire (while wet) and then is wrestled by his friends. All of this occurs while Cedric is wet. Very very wet.

HARRY: Heh. I'm so glad we're not seventeen. I couldn't think of anything worse than entering this tournament, could you, Ron?

RON: Cedric's wet.

The WEASLEY TWINS come bounding in.

HERMIONE: It's not going to wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooork.

OBSESSMUCH: (head-desks)

(The TWINS sandwich HERMIONE.)

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Hermione, don't deny it – you want us.

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Not that we blame you.

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Everybody does.

WEASLEY TWIN #2: We're just so deliciously naughty.

HERMIONE: … I shall put your offer to some thought and get back to you.

The twins put their name into the Goblet, only to spout massive grey beards. Then they wrestle. Hermione rolls her eyes and acts all superior, but secretly she is as turned on by all of this as I am.

I will not be judged.

KRUM: Me man. Me enter my name, then glare at woman. If she fears me, she will be my slave. I hunt the deer, she cook the meat, then we do big sexy sex.

I'm sorry. I don't know why.

Judgement Day

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, joyous day, when the three champions for the competition Harry Potter is definitely not allowed to enter are chosen!

GOBLET: Er… Albus? A word in your shell-like, if I may, regarding that matter…

Later, Backstage

DUMBLEDORE: Potter, may I ask you a question? What do I look like?

HARRY: Y-you're old!


HARRY: You're b-bearded-

DUMBLEDORE: Do I look like a bitch?

HARRY: What?



DUMBLEDORE: Then why are you trying to fuck me like a bitch, Harry?

HARRY: Sir, I assure you, I would never dream of fucking you like a bitch.

CROUCH: That's enough. Potter, you have no choice. As of this moment, you are a Triwizard champion.

DUMBLEDORE: (reaches down Harry's throat and grabs his tonsils) I'm warning you, Potter, if you ever fuck with me again-

HARRY: Mgnaaah mnfff guurgghhh!

The Boys' Dorm

HARRY: Sweetums, you have to believe me – I didn't put my name in the Goblet.

RON: Pfff, whatever. Fame whore.

HARRY: Do you think I like being famous? Do you think I enjoy people fawning over me and offering to lick my boots? Do you think I look forward to the annual Harry Potter Day national holiday?

RON: Piss off, Harry.

THE AUDIENCE: Oooooooooooooooooooooh!

Miranda Richardson Owns My Soul

RITA SKEETER: Do you mind me interviewing you in here?

HARRY: It's a broom cupboard.

RITA SKEETER: Well you've spent most of your life in a closet, what's a little longer? By golly, it's warm in here, isn't it? (loosens blouse) Enough to… work up… quite… a sweat.

HARRY: I favour Rightguard, myself.

RITA SKEETER: …Of course you do. So, do you think your parents would be proud of your rampant disregard for authority?

HARRY: I don't know.

RITA SKEETER: Is the wrong answer! Take off an item of clothing.

HARRY: What?

RITA SKEETER: (sigh) You're no fun.

The Owlery

Harry receives an OWL from his Godfather. Yes, that's right! Sirius is not yet dead!

LETTER: 'Harry, meet me tonight. At midnight. Alone. By the sexy, sexy fire. Put on something slinky, and I'll bring the champagne. We'll have to be quick, though… Lupin's been hanging round an awful lot recently. I think he suspects us. Padfoot.'

HARRY: Padfoot? Who the hell is Padfoot?

By the Fire

Harry slips into his pale blue babydoll, puts some Burt Bacharach on the gramophone, and pours out two glasses of wine.

HARRY: Argh! There's some kind of monster in the fireplace! Kill it! Kill iiiitt!

SIRIUS' VOICE: No, it's me! Sirius!

HARRY: Oh… really?

DISEMBODIED HEAD OF SIRIUS: Yes, honestly. I'm sorry, I don't have much time.

HARRY: But… but I got dressed up and everything!

SIRIUS: I know, honeybunch, but Warner Brothers couldn't shell out for any more than a voiceover on my part.

HARRY: Oh, okay.

SIRIUS: You're not upset, are you?

HARRY: Oh, no, of course not. Not at all. In fact, Snape's asked me to go up to his office for a drink, and I was going to say no, but-

SIRIUS: Oh. Okay, I understand. I mean, it's not as if we're exclusive, or anything-

RON: Hey, what's going on here?

SIRIUS: So long! (disappears)

HARRY: Oh, thanks for ruining my evening!

RON: Well excuse me! Perhaps you should put up a Do Not Disturb sign next time!

HARRY: I just don't get you, Ron Weasley! What's the deal? You don't want me, but you don't want anyone else to have me either, is that it?

RON: I don't know what I want! I've never known-



HARRY: You are too much for me, Ron Weasley! I wish I knew how to quit you.

RON: …


RON: I really love that film.

HARRY: I know. Sad about Heath Ledger, wasn't it?

RON: Yes. I do think that was genuinely his best performance.

HARRY: Seriously? Even after the Dark Knight?

RON: I wasn't besotted, really. I preferred Jack Nicholson's version of the Joker-



By the Lake

HERMIONE: Harry, Ron would like me to tell you that Seamus was told by Pavrati who was told by a hooker that shagged Karakoff who spoke briefly to Dean's second-cousin twice removed-

OBSESSMUCH: (slips into a coma)

I wake up six years later, and this scene is still going on.

HERMIONE: So in conclusion – Hagrid's looking for you.


HAGRID: Aren't the dragons beautiful, Harry? I'm sure they wouldn't dream of eating you alive when you take them on in the first task!

HARRY: Murghfarghwuh?

Nobody loves Harry

HARRY: Cedric, the first task is Dragons.

CEDRIC: To be honest, I don't care. People like me.

HARRY: Ron, I hate you!

RON: Well, everybody hates you.

HARRY: Hermione likes me!

RON: Wow… big win.

DRACO: Potter has no friends!

MOODY: Take it back, sonny!

(Turns Draco into a ferret, and puts him down Crabbe and/or Goyle's trousers. I'm pretty sure this amounts to sexual abuse in some way.)

DRACO: Gah! Run, minions, run!


THAT LINE: (makes this movie worthwhile for me)

MOODY: Potter, come with me!

Moody's Office

MOODY: Potter, I have a plan.

HARRY: What's that chest rattling for?


HARRY: … Okay.

MOODY: Now, as I was saying, I have a plan.


MOODY: You will summon your broom to help you get the egg from underneath the dragon. Okay?

HARRY: … Will the egg be my friend?

Inappropriate Bets ltd.

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Weasleys' betting booth! Place your inappropriate bets here!

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Use blood sports as an opportunity to make some extra cash!

WEASLEY TWIN #1: 100/1 on Harry Potter's survival! Any takers?

The scene that makes me throw things at my telly

Harry is pacing around the Champions' tent, no doubt worrying about his impending demise, when Hermione leaps from out of nowhere and straddle-glomps him.

HERMIONE: Don't die, Harry!

HARRY: Hermione, I think I'm in love with you!

HERMIONE: And I with you! (eats Harry's face)

HARRY: Nom, nom, nom.

RITA SKEETER: Good morning, all! Anyone mind if we take a picture or two?

HARRY: (oblivious) Oh, rapture!

HERMIONE: (muffled) Watch the hair!

RITA SKEETER: Lovely! (snaps) Well, I believe my work here is done.

DUMBLEDORE: Miss Granger, what are you doing here?


CGI Battle of Tedium

Harry battles a Dragon for a seeming age, and I slowly but surely lose the will to live. Seriously. What is the point? It goes on forever, and we all know he lives, anyway, as we've got another three (or four, as it turns out) movies to go… you know what intrigues me, though? Why is it that no matter how many pairs of socks I buy, I can never find a pair without a hole in the toe section? It's one of those age-old mysteries in life that perhaps will never be solved. Hmmm. Note to self – buy more socks. And hair-dye, actually, for when your roots need re-doing. They're not showing at the moment, no, but you never know when you might need an emergency top up. You know what it's like. Go to bed, no roots at all. Wake up, and they're halfway down your head… oh, look, Harry's got the egg.

The Common Room

RON: Oh Harry, let's never fight again!

HARRY: Bee Eff Effs!

HERMIONE: Wankers.

Breakfast of Humiliation

The PATIL TWINS glide by like something out of Village of the Damned.

PATIL TWINS: We heart you, Harry!

RON: Gah!

Harry notices Cho smiling at him. He gets so nervous he has a little accident.

What? He does.

HERMIONE: Look at me!


HERMIONE: Sorry. I mean, uh, look at this! That Skeeter woman has written an article about us! 'Hermione Granger is a fugly slut who is sleeping with everybody in the universe except Ron Weasley.' It's so unfair!

RON: Totally. I mean, you're hardly fugly, are you-

HERMIONE: I don't want your reassurance, Ronald! And who's the fanboy?

RON: Ah, Nigel.

HP FANS: Who the hell?

NIGEL: Parcel for you, Mr Weasley!

RON: Thank you, Nigel.

NIGEL: Shine your shoes, gov'nor?

RON: You go now.

NIGEL: Right y'are.

RON: Good Lord! Ginny, I think your Halloween costume's here


RON: Are you alright? You appear to be splitting your tights in half with laughter.

HERMIONE: Oh god! (gasps) I'm sorry! (wheezes) Okay, not that sorry, it's just too funny! (scream-laughs)

RON: Seriously, just how is it possible for your acting to get worse with experience?

HERMIONE: (wiping tears of mirth from her eyes) These are DRESS ROBES! For YOU! You are going to be UTTERLY HUMILIATED! (actually pisses herself laughing)

RON: Why is it that you hate me so much? What is it I've done that is so damn terrible, really?

Dancing Queen.

The school has been gathered to learn how to dance from Professor McRandybitch in preparation for the Yule Ball.

MCGONAGALL: Oh yeah, this is what I'm talking about.

RON: …What's she staring at me for?

MCGONAGALL: Ronald! You look as if you'll be light on your feet. Come here and, er, learn how to dance.

Ron shuffles forward.

MCGONAGALL: (whispering) Touch me!

RON: Um…

MCGONAGALL: Kiss me, you fool!

RON: Professor?

MCGONAGALL: Call me Minnie.

RON: Minnie… er, there are people watching-

MCGONAGALL: I know. Exciting, isn't it?

RON: I think – er – Oh, Neville, there you are!

NEVILLE: (takes Mcgonagall's waist) I'll never leave a pretty lady standing, baby!

Love is in the air

HAGRID: Look, I like you, and you like me, but there's just one thing I have to know… pre-op or post-op?

MADAME MAXIME: Zat is for me to know and you to find out.

HAGRID: So I've got to go in blindfolded, as it were?

MADAME MAXIME: Does zat bozzer you?

HAGRID: Absolutely not, I just wanted to make sure that we're clear.

By The Lake

KRUM: Macho macho man, I vant to be a macho man.

HERMIONE: People like you offend me.

KRUM: You know you vant it.

HERMIONE: I do not…

KRUM: (flexes)

HERMIONE: I am so…

KRUM: (broods)

HERMIONE: I'm not that…

KRUM: (raises an eyebrow)

HERMIONE: Oh, fuck it all.

The Library

HARRY: Why does no-one love us, Ron?

RON: Well, no-one loves Neville, either!

RON AND HARRY: (silently) Bwahahahaha!

HERMIONE: Actually, Ginge, Neville's already got somebody to go to the ball with.

RON: Aw man, seriously?

FRED: Angelina!


AUDIENCE: WOAH! Angelina's smokin!

ANGELINA: You know it.

FRED: Go to the dance with me?


FRED: What if I throw in some ultra-suggestive hip movements?

ANGELINA: Well, seeing as we've all turned into randy little sods this year, that aught to seal the deal.

RON: So… Hermione…

HARRY: Don't do it!

RON: What other option do I have?

HARRY: Ron, she will kill you. She will kill you dead.

RON: That's a risk I have to take.

HARRY: She'll take your balls off.

RON: But I can't go to the dance alone! It's worth the risk-

HARRY: Nothing is worth this risk, Ron! Do you want your testicles to be fashioned into a fetching pair of earrings?

RON: I have no other option, Harry! 'Tis better to be ball-less than to be dateless.

HARRY: But she hates you!

RON: And I hate her. Which means we'd make wonderful candidates for marriage in this day and age. Hermione, do you want to go to the ball with me?


RON: But… no-one likes to see a girl alone at a dance. If you don't go with me, then you'll just end up being someone's pity date.

HARRY: Oh, Ron.


RON: …

HARRY: Well, at least she didn't take your balls off.

RON: She did, Harry. Figuratively if not literally.

The Owlery

CHO: Harry!


CHO: Harry!


CHO: Harry!


AUDIENCE: (snore)

CHO: Harry!

HARRY: Cho… do you want to go to the ball with me?

CHO: Bwahahahahaha! Oh, it's sad, it's so sad…

The Common Room

Harry sits by the fire, hugging his Golden Egg (no, I am not making this up).

HARRY: At least my egg loves me.

Ron enters the room, mute and desolate, being carried along by his BIT-PART SISTER WOSSERNAME and a load of other NAMELESS GIRLS.


HERMIONE: Are you ill, or something?

GINNY: He just asked Fleur-de-la-Coeur to the Ball.



HARRY: Wow, Ron, what did she say?

HERMIONE: No, of course!

Ron shakes his head, looking like he's just been kicked in the nuts. Which, to be fair, he kind of has.

HERMIONE: She said yes?! Good God, I just don't understand – who could debase themselves in such a way?

HARRY: Er, Hermione-

HERMIONE: I'm sorry, but I just don't comprehend who could have such pitifully low self-esteem that they would allow this disgusting specimen to even touch them, let alone take them to the social event of the year! She must have gone through some terrible traumas in her time – bullying, self-harm, possibly even molestation-

RON: She didn't say yes, alright? God.

HERMIONE: Oh, thank goodness for that. Now, what we have to ask ourselves is this: who is so low down the social scale that they will let an utter loser like you take them to the ball?

PATIL TWINS: Harry, we want your brains.

HARRY: … I understand.

Yule Ball Night

RON: (pulling on his tacky robes) Fucking Kloves. Fucking Newell. Fucking, fucking Heyman.

KLOVES: Now come along, Ronald - it's in the book!

RON: So is SPEW, Ludo Bagman, and Bellatrix Lestrange, but I don't see them, do I?

NEWELL: It's funny!

RON: Oh, well then, why don't you just shave my testicles, put me in a leopard-print bra and hang me in the great hall as a kind of giant Christmas decoration? That, I assume, would also be amusing to you, seeing as it entails my utter humiliation.

HEYMAN: Actually, that's not a bad idea-


The Staircase

RON: Heh. I can see her now. Sitting in bed, eating chocolates, watching re-runs of Sex and the City. Oh sure, Hermione, we all wanted Carrie to be with Aiden, but the heart wants what it wants, and a City girl can never be happy with a country boy.

HARRY: … Pardon?

RON: I didn't say anything.

HARRY: But you just-

RON: I didn't. Say. Anything!

TWINS: Boys!

RON: Eeeep!

HARRY: Gah! Don't sneak up like that, it's so weird!

TWINS: Sorry, Harry. We love you.

RON: Seriously, what twins really speak in unison like this?

HARRY: Okay, let's draw straws to see who gets the hot one.

They draw straws, and the winner is…

RON: YES! YES! Suckaaaah! I win! For once, I win! HaHA! Come on, Pavrati!

RON'S TWIN: It's actually Padma-

RON: Whatever. HahaHA!

Ron drags Padma off to the dancefloor. Harry sees Cho looking lovely and goes all gooey eyed over her for about a millisecond. But we don't care about that, because…

The Milk Tray advert music suddenly swells up, and Hermione emerges at the top of the stairs, looking wonderful but no different to how she usually does.

PANSY PARKINSON: Hey… you stole my dress!

HARRY: Hermione, I hardly recognise you!

GINNY: Perhaps that's because she looks like she's fallen into a giant pink blancmange.

DAVID HEYMAN: (whacks Ginny for insubordination) Back in the closet with you, Jenny.

GINNY: Seriously, my name is-

DAVID HEYMAN: Will you shut up!? This is Hermione's moment!


KRUM: Me Man. You Woman. We do the dance, then we make big sexy sex.

HERMIONE: Fine by me.

Ice, Ice, Baby

The four couples parade across the dance floor, looking smug.

PADMA: Is that Hermione Granger? With Victor Krum?

RON: (narrows eyes) Man, I hate that bitch.

Harry, Fleur, Krum, and Cedric take their places with their partners so that they can lead the dancing.

PAVRATI: Harry. Take. My. Waist.

HARRY: Woman, you terrify me.

Cringe. CRINGE.

I'll be honest here – I don't know who this band actually are. All I can tell is that they're debasing themselves by singing mortifying lyrics such as 'Can you shag a Hippogriff', and all in all, it's rather embarrassing and a little depressing.

Meanwhile, Ron and Harry are sulking in the corner.

TWINS: Next time we're getting better boys.

RON: I need a drink.

HARRY: Me too.

RON: Burning, white-hot liquor.

HARRY: I was thinking more a light chardonnay.

RON: You did not just say that.

HARRY: Of course I didn't.

RON: Drink.

HARRY: Drink!

Finally, the god-awful dancing ends. Krum kisses Hermione's hand, and she shimmies over to sit with her friends.

HERMIONE: Hot, isn't it? And by that I mean: Hot, isn't he?

RON: Oh god. Please, will you just go away and let us have ten seconds' screen time without you?

HERMIONE: Well, next time why don't you ask me to the ball, and not as a last resort?

RON: Well maybe I would, if you would just stop yelling at me. Seriously – once in a while is fine. But it's constant, Hermione. Constant.

HERMIONE: You're horrible!

HARRY: Perhaps we should be going-

HERMIONE: Yes, go to bed, both of you! Now!

RON: So… what, do your Jackboots not go with your dress, or something?

HERMIONE: They don't do them in pink.

The Boys' Dorm


NEVILLE: You alright, Harry?

HARRY: I was not having homoerotic dreams about Voldemort!

NEVILLE: I never said you were!

HARRY: Good. Where have you been, anyway? It's like 6 a.m.

NEVILLE: New memo for the dorm – Ginny is easy.

HARRY: … Who is this Jenny?

NEVILLE: GINNY! Ron's sister!

HARRY: Oh. Right. Her. Totally forgot about her. So… easy, huh?

NEVILLE: That's right, bitches – I got laid. Who's laughing now?

RON: Will you pack it in, Neville? I don't want to be up all night.

NEVILLE: That's not what your sister said! Ooooooooh!

The Shippy Bridge of Doom (tm)

Oh yes. It's back.

HERMIONE: I'm so glad I've got you to talk to, Harry.

HARRY: No problem. So what happened next?

HERMIONE: Well, when I noticed that the ceiling tiles had started falling down we decided we'd probably better call it a night. He carved his name into the headboard along with his phone number, conjured up a box of chocolates on my bedside table, then flew out of the window on his broomstick.

HARRY: Wow. So Viktor's pretty much a physical being, huh?

HERMIONE: You'd better believe it.

HARRY: Oh, there's Cedric. Better go and talk to him. Catch ya later, babes.

(He doesn't actually call her 'babes'. But he might as well, really.)

CEDRIC: Harry… have you ever been to the Prefects' bathroom?

HARRY: No, I'm not a Prefect.

CEDRIC: Oh. Well… have you ever thought you'd like to go there?

HARRY: I can't say I've ever felt the urge-

CEDRIC: But you see… it's not a bad place (flutters eyelashes) for a bath.

HARRY: Well, it is a bathroom, Cedric.

CEDRIC: Okay, Harry, focus – you.





HARRY: Yes… me.

CEDRIC: Right, well, we'll come back to that. But… you could bring your egg-

HARRY: My egg loves me.

CEDRIC: To the bathroom.

HARRY: Gotcha.

CEDRIC: Which is a good place for a bath-

HARRY: What with all the water and things.

CEDRIC: … Yes. So, to recap – you.




CEDRIC: Bathroom.

HARRY: Good for a bath.

CEDRIC: Bubbles.


CEDRIC: And the egg.

HARRY: Loves me.

CEDRIC: Yes. So – got it?

HARRY: Oh, you reckon the egg can be solved in the bathroom? Thanks for the tip, Ced! Gotta go.

CEDRIC: Bloody hell, what does a boy have to do to get laid around here?

Moar Inappropriateness!

Harry strips off to reveal that under all the n00bishness and terrible acting, there is an alarmingly well built torso.

FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Wahooooooo, hooooooo! (throw money at screen)

MYRTLE: (gooses Harry)


The Library

HARRY: I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die tommorrow. The lake is deep. The lake is cold. I have no way to breathe, and I don't look good in a pair of swimming trunks, I'm going to die-

HERMIONE: Oh come on – we're not even half way through the movie yet!

RON: We're not?


EVERYBODY: (panics)

MOODY: Weasley, Granger! You are required to go and do a thing.

HERMIONE: A thing?

MOODY: I refuse to repeat myself. Longbottom, give Harry a hand. (retreats to watch from the shadows)

HARRY: Neville, what am I going to dooooooooooooooooo?

NEVILLE: And here where go again. How many times do I have to save your arse, Potter?

Inappropriate Bets ltd.

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Another chance to bet on the misery of others!

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Who wants to bet that our little sister will ever get Harry Potter to notice her?

WEASLEY TWIN #1: Odds on 100/1.

GINNY: You wait. You just wait.

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Yeah, yeah, whatever Jenny.


By the Lake

HARRY: So this plant will help me breathe underwater?

NEVILLE: Should do.

MOODY: Well, it's too late now if it doesn't, isn't it?

(Moody quite literally shoves Harry in the lake, avoiding a lawsuit only because Neville knows his shit)

In the Lake

Apologies, ladies and gentlemen – Obsessmuch is unable to comment on this section of the movie, because it is at this point that she puts her head down and has an hour's shut-eye. Don't let it worry you, though. You're not missing much.

The Dock

DUMBLEDORE: Because n00bishness is the new moral fibre, we have decided to award Harry Potter zoodles of points for rescuing everybody's hostages.

HERMIONE: Oh Harry, you're a hero! (kisses him on the forehead)

R/HR SHIPPERS: Okay. It's okay. Hermione's gonna get jealous of Fleur kissing Ron in a minute. We still have time.

FLEUR: (kisses Ron)

HERMIONE: (Is nowhere to be seen)

R/HR SHIPPERS: (seethe)

The Forbidden Forest

The Trio take a walk with Hagrid. Because apparently they are that bored.

HAGRID: I remember when we first met; you three were the biggest bunch of misfits I'd ever met!

TRIO: (giggle)

HAGRID: Seriously! I remember thinking, 'Bloody Hell! A skinny, speccy loner; a ginger chess-freak; and a bushy haired nerd! They'll never be of interest to anybody!'

HP FANS: (grind teeth)

HAGRID: But it seems every loser can make something of themselves! Look at you lot now! A muscle-bound jock; Hogwarts' very own Prom Queen; and a comic relief third-wheel!

HERMIONE: Oh, how we've all changed. It's almost as if we're not the same people as we were then.

HP FANS: Quite.


Dumbledore's Office

THE FUDGESTER: No, I won't cancel it, Dumbledore! I don't know why you're being so pissy. Crouch didn't even have any lines, for God's sake.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, do come in. I've got to escort Minister Arsewipe off the premises. I'll be with you shortly. Don't touch anything.

Why do people leave Harry alone, ever? Or give him any instructions that they actually want obeying?

PENSIEVE: (glows)

HARRY: Pretty!

In the Pensieve

Court is in session, under the authority of DEAD GUY WITH NEXT TO NO LINES (Crouch)

CROUCH: Bring him in.

KARAKOFF: Seriously, are the ball gag and dog collar really necessary?

CROUCH: Tell us the names of your fellow Death Eaters!

KARAKOFF: Look, here's a hint – if there's anyone even vaguely attractive in these movies, they're most likely to be a Death Eater.

CROUCH: But… but that means…


CROUCH: My son! My son is gorgeous!

CROUCH JR: Aw, Daddy-

CROUCH: Guards, take him away!

CROUCH JR: I lick my lips at you!


Back in Dumbledore's Office

DUMBLEDORE: You know, when I say 'don't touch anything'-

HARRY: Sir, I think I dreamt about Barty Crouch Jr!

DUMBLEDORE: Hmmm. I wouldn't worry about it. It's quite common. He is extraordinarily sexy.


Bitchy Corridor (pt 2)

Harry shuffles along a corridor uselessly, as he is wont to do, when he hears noises coming from inside a cupboard.

KARAKOFF: Touch it!


KARAKOFF: I need another perspective!

SNAPE: Look, it's throbbing and painful, I know-

KARAKOFF: Yours must be, too!

SNAPE: If it is, it is no concern of yours!



HARRY: Okay-

SNAPE: We were talking about our… our… tattoos.

KARAKOFF: … Fine. That's fine. Well, I'll be off. I hear Remus Lupin's not seeing anyone at the moment, perhaps I'll give him a call-


HARRY: Time of the month, is it, Sir?

SNAPE: Don't get all mouthy with me, Potter. I know you're stealing ingredients from my cupboard to make Polyjuice potion. Polyjuice potion. Polyjuice Polyjuice Polyjuice.


SNAPE: You heard. In conclusion: Polyjuice potion. Good day to you. (swans off)

The Final Task

DUMBLEDORE: Well, you've all seen the X-Factor. The basic principle of that show is kind of similar to that of this task – we are going to shove some wide-eyed, innocent kids into a maze they are too young to handle which will almost certainly eat them alive. All for an hour's entertainment.

CEDRIC: I love you dad!

AMOS: I love you son!

OBSESSMUCH: (feels a twinge in her chest which she claims is merely indigestion but might actually be a stab of emotion. She does not enjoy emotion. To her it feels unnatural and wrong.)

The Maze is ALIVE!1!

HARRY: OH MY GOD! The cup is right there, but Cedric, the boy who stole Cho from me while stealing this movie from under my very nose, is being eaten by a shrub. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

Answer is, of course, he n00bs up. As usual.

CEDRIC: Aw man, thanks for saving me. Wanna take the cup together?

HARRY: Do I ever!

Fucking idiot.


As our intrepid hero and his useless sidekick (being Cedric and Harry respectively) get their bearings, Wormtail emerges carrying an adorable foetus in a portable bassinet.

FEOTUS: Kill the pretty!

WORMTAIL: Avada Kedavra!

CEDRIC: Wuh- (flops)

Never mind, Ced. Be consoled by the fact that you are still hot, even when dead.

Harry is held captive by a statue of a skeleton while Feotus!Voldemort transforms into Hotdermort. Or Voldemort, to use the correct spelling. When the transformation is complete, he spends about an hour touching himself. I am not making this up.

VOLDEMORT: My god… I am my ideal.

We all knew it already, but now it's become official – Ralph Fiennes (or Rafe Fine or Ranulph Funnybunnysitonmyfaceandtell methatyouloveme or however he likes to pronounce it) really can make anybody hot be default.

HARRY: (screaming faintly in background) Still… here. Pay… attention… to… meeeee!

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, I want you to send out a memo to all the old crew. Write this down – 'You are cordially invited to a sexy party to celebrate the Dark Lord's return to vaguely human form. Yes, I'm back, my babies. And I want to celebrate it in style. Bring a bottle. And it hasn't quite escaped my notice that there weren't many of you that tried to find me. Yes, Bellatrix, I am aware of your efforts, but to be frank, it might mean a little more to me if you still had an ounce of sanity left. Bearing all this in mind, I shall be expecting gifts. Lots of expensive gifts. If you must make a present of money, I don't want cheques. Cash only.' What do you think?

WORMTAIL: Wonderful, master.

And so we get to witness the Death Eaters' reunion.

VOLDEMORT: So… (grins)… here we are. One big, happy family! Huh?

LUCIUS: (coughs) Ah, Master, in fairness, we didn't know you would be back… in such a fabulous body, by the way. Really, you look like a new man-

VOLDEMORT: THAT'S BECAUSE I AM A NEW MAN, NO THANKS TO YOU! Not that I could have done with your help, anyway.

LUCIUS: (cough, mutter, cough)

VOLDEMORT: Sorry, didn't quite catch that.

LUCIUS: I just said… well, I might have been able to sort you out a manicure. And a pedicure. And some dental work. And some hair implantation-

VOLDEMORT: HA! I knew that hair wasn't your own!

LUCIUS: Don't be sore just because I've retained my looks while you've turned into what looks like the bastard child of a goblin and a tumour!

VOLDEMORT: Face it, darling, you are no longer the hot resident villain in these movies.

LUCIUS: Au contraire, sweetheart. I can out-smex you any day.

VOLDEMORT: Oh please. You have Disney Princess hair.

LUCIUS: Well at least I've still got a nose.

VOLDEMORT: Tell me, do you carry that cane due to a physical disability, or is it some form of compensation?

LUCIUS: You have no skin pigment!

VOLDEMORT: Neither do you!

LUCIUS: Baldilocks!

VOLDEMORT: Barbie Girl!

(A girly bitch-slap fight ensues)

LUCIUS: Not the face! Not the face!



OBSESSMUCH: (drools)

HARRY: Hey, hey… my movie, hello?! Pay attention to meeeeee!


VOLDEMORT: Oh Harry, so sorry. Got distracted for a moment there.


Voldemort spends the next hour chewing the proverbial scenery. But the gist of the scene is –

VOLDEMORT: I am going to kill you and eat you!

HARRY: (cries)

VOLDEMORT: Any last requests?

Harry has this one opportunity to prove himself a badass, but what does he do just as Voldy throws an AK at him?

HARRY: Expelliarmus!

The utter, utter n00b.

HARRY'S wand connects with Voldemort's, and in a scene that was riveting in the book but which I just cannot be bothered to pay attention to on screen, Cedric, Victor Meldrew and Harry's parents come out of the end of Voldemort's wand, Harry breaks free of Voldemort, grabs the cup, and GTFOs.

VOLDEMORT: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooo!

LUCIUS: NOOOOOOOOO… I broke a nail!

Oh dear…

Harry and Cedric thud back onto the grass.


BRASS BAND: (brass bands)

HARRY: (wails)

Dumbledore, Fleur, and Krum are the only people to realise that something has gone horribly wrong. Fleur decides to say the one useful thing a person could say during a crisis like this:


DUMBLEDORE: What the hell, Harry?

HARRY: Ohhh Dumbly – he's back! Voldemort's back! He killed Cedric! His nails are long and he has no nose and his face looks like a tumaaaaaaah! (wails)

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, my poor baby – c'mere!

AMOS: MY SON! MY PERFECT SON! (Chewbacca roar)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I do actually find this scene very moving, despite my heart of ice.

MOODY: Come on, Harry. Let's move along. There's nothing to see here. (Ushers him back to the castle)

WEASLEY TWIN #1: So… who wants to make a bet on how long it will be until Amos can look back at this and laugh?

WEASLEY TWIN #2: Come on, people! Ten to one?



Or Moody's Office, to be more Specific

Moody slams Harry into the room.

MOODY: What was it like when the Dark Lord returned to power? Orgasmic, I'll bet?

HARRY: Professor?

MOODY: DAMN IT ALL, MY HIP FLASK IS EMPTY! Oh, this aint good. Tell me about the graveyard!

HARRY: Well, it was very old fashioned, with a lot of… WAIT A MINUTE!



MOODY: Seriously, how do you cross the street unaided?

HARRY: To be honest, I don't as a general rule-

MOODY: It was I who put your name into the Goblet! It was I who pushed you through all the tasks! And it was I who sent you to the graveyard tonight! And now I shall kill you with my own bare hands-


MOODY is thrown back into a chair.

DUMBLEDORE: You play with feathers, you get your arse tickled, Sunshine.

SNAPE sniffs Moody's hip flask.

SNAPE: Polyjuice potion, sir!

MOODY: That's, er, not mine. I'm holding it for a friend-

DUMBLEDORE: (Pimp-slaps Moody) Severus, the Veritaserum!

SNAPE pours Veritaserum down Moody's throat.

DUMBLEDORE: Are you Alastor Moody?

MOODY: No. Bet ya didn't see that coming!

AUDIENCE: No, we pretty much did.

It turns out the REAL MOODY is actually inside the previously mentioned rattling chest, because the chest is actually the TARDIS! Bigger on the inside… oh god, I'm such a nerd.

DUMBLEDORE: We'll get you out, Alastor.

REAL MOODY: Please hurry - I've been trying to lick my way out of here for six months!

Meanwhile, DOCTOR MOODY/PROFESSOR WHO's face melts off.



MCGONAGALL: Ooooh, please!

BARTY CROUCH: I will be welcomed back to Azkaban like a hero for what I've done!

MCGONAGALL: How did you get out of prison in the first place?

BARTY CROUCH: I just did!

Note to Kloves – seriously, how many times do you think you can get away with brushing huge chunks of plot under the carpet like this?

DUMBLEDORE: Don't think you're going to get away with this.

CROUCH JR: There is nothing you can do to spoil my buzz!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, I beg to diffah. Snapey!

SNAPE: Evening, Maggot.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, Minerva, Harry, I think we should be going. You've got ten minutes, Severus. Ding ding!

CROUCH JR: What are you going to do to me?

SNAPE: What I spent all of last year wanting to do to the last Defence Against the Dance Arts teacher.

CROUCH JR: Remus Lupin? You hated him, didn't you?

SNAPE: Au contraire, Barty. (brings out the whip and gag) Au contraire.

Cedric's Memorial

DUMBLEDORE: … and it really is a lovely farm. Cedric's going to love it there. There are bunnies he can chase, and fields he can roll around in…


DUMBLEDORE: Oh, fine. That's what the Ministry wants me to tell you. But I believe in rationalisation. Therefore I am going to tell you something horrible. Something that will shock and disturb you, give you nightmares, and possibly destroy your faith in humanity.


DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory was killed by Lord Voldemort.


DUMBLEDORE: I know this is probably hard to accept, but-

Suddenly, a HUGE FART rips through the great hall.


Everyone looks around, but the culprit turns out to be-

HERMIONE: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But you try being utterly perfect all year round – it's not easy, you know!

RON: Oh happy, happy day.

Harry's Dorm

Dumbledore decides to pay Harry a little visit.

DUMBLEDORE: Ah, my old dorm. Gellert and I set these sheets on fire in more ways than one, let me tell you.

HARRY: Sir, when I was in the graveyard, my wand seemed to connect with Voldemort's, and I don't know why I'm telling you this, as it's not as if these movies seem to care all that much about massive great plot holes, but-

DUMBLEDORE: The dead stay dead, Harry.

HARRY: But I want my mummy and daddy back!

DUMBLEDORE: God, so do I, if only to stop your incessant whining!

HARRY: Sorry. Old habits, and that. What's going to happen now, Sir?

DUMBLEDORE: You're going to have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy.

HARRY: Neville says Ginny's easy.


HARRY: Is that relevant, do you think?

DUMBLEDORE: When the time comes, you'll know.

The Big Farewell Scene

KRUM: I vill write to you, Hermione. Every day, if possible. You haff my solemn promise. I shall nevah forget you. You are truly the luff of my life.

HERMIONE: Wow… you can write?

FLEUR: Au reviour, Ron! (kisses him)

RON: I shall never wash this cheek again.

HERMIONE: (tearfully) Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

STEVE KLOVES: (hysterically) Don't worry, my darling! I'll be back for movie six!

HERMIONE: You will write to me, won't you Ron?

RON: Of course! I have to offload my supply of Anthrax somehow, don't I?

HERMIONE: And you, Harry? Will you write? Harry? Harry…?

Harry sits in the corner, cradling his golden egg.

HARRY: No, I'll miss you more. No, I'll miss you more. Aw, I wuv you too, yes I do. Yes I do.

RON: …


RON: You know, you're pretty damn fine when you stop screaming hysterically.

HERMIONE: I was just thinking… you're quite smoking when you're not gurning idiotically.

RON: You know, perhaps with a different screenwriter next year, we might not… hate each other so much.

HERMIONE: We might not.

RON: We shall have one year's respite…

HERMIONE: One year's possible mutual affection…

RON: Until year six, that is.

HERMIONE: Indeed. Until year six.

RON: I'd like it if we could like each other, you know.

HERMIONE: Another time…

RON: Another place…

HERMIONE: Another script writer.

RON: Hermione…


STEVE KLOVES: HERMYYYYY! I've got some emasculated males that need bossing around!

HERMIONE: I have to go now.