This is not a story. It's a oneshot. Or series of oneshots, if you like. All based off of the collab by wtvoc and jandco called "Scotch, Gin, and the New Girl."

This one was written by wtvoc as per requested from the fabulous qjmom, who is a dirty little birdie and has been pushing for Bella on Emmett action since TAAB. Some of you asked who qjmom is (while simultaneously thanking her), and to you I say SMACK SMACK SMACK. Have you not READ "Passion Fish"? Are you NOT reading "Shadow Guardians"? Effing ess, dude.

I'd like to dedicate this little ditty to anyone who has ever schooled a group of boys while playing poker. It's a heady feeling, and I highly recommend it sometime.

Twilight not ours.

Emmett, Scotch Ch. 5

"I love it when you call me Big Poppa."

And fucking hell, did I ever.

This damned New Girl is so hot, that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to censor my thoughts around her. I haven't had a boner this big since those L'il Kim mug shots were released to the public. How many licks, Kim? How many licks.

I watched Bella all night, workin' the table like a high-class whore. Honestly, I can't believe no one else noticed how she was systematically taking us out, one by one. I'm no fucking slouch, and Jasper's decent, too. But no one ever beats Cullen. Including me. The only things he ever beats me at are poker, eating girls out (I'm a man, I can admit it), doing calculus in his head, and knowing the lyrics to Wu-Tang (and that shit just pisses me off, yo).

Once I lost my cheddah, I was quite content to simply sit back and watch the show. In fact, I would have been bustin' my shit the hell off if it weren't for Bella; watching her school my nearest and dearest was quite possibly the highlight of my fucking year. And Rosalie looking daggers at the new chick was just icing on the mothafuckin' cake. That bizzo ran so hot and cold with me, and like a chump, I always took it and came back panting for more. What can I say? Big Poppa loves those lengthy BJs in the back of her Beamer. And in the little boy's room. And in the cafeteria pantry. And in her parent's room.

As Bella used her marvelous juggs to her advantage by distracting Edward, I started to daydream, swilling my Tanqueray around; where is that girl? What's-her-tits? Fucking A. I invite her to my house to play with us; the least she could do is fucking bring me my juice when I run out. It's not a fucking lot to ask. Bella was shaking her luscious tits around; I had noticed the braless beauts earlier and Biggie down there got all nice and chubby just thinking about putting them tasty jigglies in my mouth. Mm. I could just picture it- getting her all alone. That damned skirt was short, and I'm pretty sure it would have been easy to indulge my favorite activity and slip my hand up there. Her skin was lovely and pale, and I was getting dizzy just imagining squeezing her creamy thighs. I started flexing my hands in my lap; clenching and unclenching my fingers, I was itching to reach over and caress her legs. I looked down, eyeing the smooth line of her legs. She was little and adorable, but she had nice stems; I was suddenly obsessed with the idea of feeling her all the way up. One of the reasons I liked skirts so much was that I loved to make it a game, trying to figure out what kind of underwear a chick was wearing based on several factors- type of skirt, smoothness of the shaven legs, and level of shyness of the girl involved.

Bella definitely isn't shy. That automatically puts her in one of three categories; hip-huggin' boy short thingies, thong, or commando. Fucking hell, I hoped it was commando. I doubt it, though; she liked to pretend she was all above us and shit. Which means she's a little bit uptight. Plus the whole trying to prove herself factor; quite obviously, Bella is a party girl who hates Those With Money. Me. Cullen. Whitlock. Yet here she sits, suddenly rich and schooling us assholes.

I'm going with boy shorts. Pretending to be demure but driving us (me) the fuck crazy.

I suddenly need to find out what she's wearing. Or not wearing. And remove them. Keep 'em in my mothafuckin' pocket. Not to be gross, just… yeah. Definitely pitching a fucking tent now.

I wonder if she'd let me… hmm. I need to pinch her nipples. I need to taste them. Now.

I shifted uncomfortably; seriously, the prospect of new pussy was truly exciting, and I just couldn't take this anticipation. I think I need to fuck her and move on. Rose wouldn't stand for me chasing after the nouveau riche, though, and there's no way I'm giving up on that cunt. Rose is just too damned tasty for my own good.

Ingrate Girl finally showed up with my Tanq & Tonic; "'bout fuckin' time," I muttered to her, letting my gaze rest on Bella. She was going in for the kill, I could see that clearly. I leaned in to get a closer view of her tits. I could just make out their curves over the edge of her top. If I stood up, I'd definitely be able to see boobage. Unfortunately, my dick was uncooperative and I probably would've injured myself when I stood and took the table with me. Fucker. I hate it when my cock gets in the way of a good tit shot.

Seeing the crestfallen, my-dog-just-died-because-she-stabbed-it-while-naked confused look of lusty anger on Cullen's face made my fucking night. And the fact that Big Pimpin' Swan over there put the look on his face? Priceless. I need to do something about this attraction and this hard-on, now. As soon as Bella slapped that Full Boat on the table, I started howling. I jumped up and pulled her into my arms, swinging her around. I'm pretty sure she could feel my enormous schlong brushing up against her ass and I just didn't give a flying fuck. I kept eyeing Edward, getting off on the annoyed expression on his face as he sat there, all sulky asshole. I was making Bella kick people, using it as an excuse to touch her smooth, shaven legs. Definitely boy shorts, and most likely 100% cotton. That shit needs to breathe. Give the pussy some air.

The one hand I had on her ass was starting to have a mind of its own; I didn't blame it. I was massaging my thumb around as I swung her little body, and I could feel her squirming beneath me. Dirty girl. She looked up at me, a knowing smile on her face. Fuck. Maybe I was going to get lucky with the new girl tonight.

Dare to dream, Big Poppa. Dare to dream.

"Emmett! Put me the fuck down!" Her words said "no", but her eyes and wiggling ass were all invitation. I was running up the stairs, no clear thought in mind. I just wanted to have her all to my fucking self. I brought her to the rec room upstairs that we didn't usually party in; this was where my beautiful flat screen lived, and I didn't need no nosey bitches in here, inspecting my porn and drinking my good booze.

"Make me a drink," she commanded, and I certainly obliged. Bella had been sipping her G&J judiciously; she made it look like she drank a lot, but she was obviously trying to throw everyone off their game. The next poker game should prove interesting since the cat was outta the bag as far as her hustling skills went. Gah. She's a hustla, baby. She just wants me ta know.

"Tequila shots it is, boo," I said, bustin' out my smile. Now, I know for a fact that dimples got me more than my fair share of punani, and I had no problem using them to my advantage. Her eyes sparkled as I poured, walking right up to her on the counter and holding the shot glass to her lips. She had been laughing, throwing her head back and kicking her heels against the wood of the bar. She opened up her lips obediently, taking what I gave her with one gulp. Fuck. I want those lips wrapped around my dick, yo.

"So, thanks, Big Pimpin'. That was excellent." I leaned forward, putting one arm on the countertop so that I was brushing against her side; I poured us each another shot with my other hand, never breaking eye contact. She reached down and grabbed the shot glass, bringing it up to my mouth this time. Licking my lips, I accepted the shot, grimacing as it burned down my throat. Her half-smile just then was making me fucking hard, and with a stunnah grin, I leaned forward and nuzzled her neck.

"What was excellent?" she breathed. I could feel her tits pressed up against me as her breathing picked up; fuck, yeah. There were definitely a few handfuls waiting for me in that flimsy top of hers.

"You know. Schooling my boy. He needed it. Gives me an excuse to shovel it in his face. I know he's just dying that I've got you up here all alone right now." Her laugh filled the room; she was leaning back now, tossing her hair around in delight. I could smell her, and dayum. She smelled delicious. I couldn't stand it anymore. I grabbed her hips and pulled her into me.

I looked down and she had dropped the smile; she was just looking up at me, lust and beauty staring into my face. I grabbed the back of her neck, twining my fingers into her hair. I brought her up to me, brushing my mouth on hers and then she was opening wide, lightly brushing her tongue against mine. Mm. Making out with the new girl.

She put her arms on my biceps, pulling me in. Opened her legs up. I stepped into them, pressing up against her in all the yummy places. Her little squeaks and sighs were a fucking turn-on, dammit. And she was a fucktastic kisser, too. No teeth knocking together, no weird tongue swirl maneuvers. Just gentle massages and man, her fucking bottom lip was killing me. It was juicy and pouty; I wanted to bite it. I think I will.

That made her sigh. Do it again.

Nipping her lip made her start gyrating a little bit against my dick, which I always encourage. I think it's time to find out what kind of panties this chick has on. She was arching, and I moved my hand from her neck to the lower part of her back just above her ass. While lightly nibbling on her mouth and tongue, I slowly moved my hand from her hip and went down her leg. I could feel her trembling and tensing muscles as I tickled with light fingertips down her bare thigh; she was lifting her leg a little by the time I made it to her knee, and I took that as an express invitation to answer my burning questions about her drawers.

Now, I'm a great lay. I just am. But something told me Bella was, too. The anticipation I was feeling was making me giddy and fucking horny. I had to fight the urge to just paw at her and take her right fucking there, which I'm sure she was all for, especially since she was straining her hips in the direction of my hand. But I wanted to make this one count, too. If I'm going to piss off my buddies, I should do it thoroughly. I mean, anything worth doing's worth doing right. Am I right?

Fuckin' A.

Her squirming and fast-paced breathing was adding to my frenzy, and I had to take a deep breath to slow the hell down. My hand was creeping up, hitting the hem of her skirt. This made her spread 'em a bit, for which I was grateful. Nothin' worse than a coy pussy.

I could feel her tensing under me, and I decided to start playing. I slowly brought my hand back up to her waist, cupping her with both hands now as I brought us both upright. I looked down and grinned a devilish grin; she looked pissed, yet somehow delighted. Raising her eyebrow, she said, "Are you fucking kidding me? It was just getting good."

Throwing my head back in laughter, I planted a kiss on her cheek and then whispered into her ear, "Oh, just you fuckin' wait, Mama. Big Poppa's got a few things up his sleeve."

She whispered right back into my ear, "I fucking hope so."

I ran my tongue up her neck and tickled her earlobe; she sighed and started giving me these frickin' light kisses right above my collar, running her fingers through the curls at the back of my neck. Crap, it felt great. I mean really fucking great.

We went at it for a few minutes. I mean really went at it. The kind of kissing and writhing where if you were naked, you'd be fucking. Which is annoying, but I get that girls need that barrier sometimes. Makes 'em feel more comfortable about getting freaky later. Like they put up resistance or some shit when they clearly just want it.

She was all pressed up on my dick, but I wanted her to come to me. I hadn't moved my hands for a while, and I could sense her getting impatient. Right in the palm of my hand, so to speak. And she knew what I was doing, too. But I would win this one. Hot New Girl or not, no way I was going to let her dictate how this went.

"You're a fucking tease," she giggled into my ear, sighing because I was tickling her neck with the tip of my tongue. My answering laughter annoyed and delighted her; sighing, she sat up straighter and then fucking moved her hands to my shoulders and clawed down. Hard. It felt fucking amazing. Hell. Fuck. Her fingernails were scratching down my arms, and I grinned lazily, hoping she'd leave marks. Always good to have reminders the next day. One of my favorite scars was sex-related.

Now here's where I lost coherency. One moment I'm nipping at her neck, the next she's moving my hands down her legs, which I do not fucking mind at all. Maybe I'd get to confirm my unmentionables theory. I looked down at her, grinning my pussy-winning smile, and she answered me with the sexiest face I have ever seen on a woman in my life. She was all raised eyebrow and smirk and slightly sucked-in cheeks. Fucking hot. Dimpling even wider at her, I not-so-slowly-or-smoothly moved my hand up her thighs, gripping her hips underneath her skirt. Taking a steadying breath, I lightly ran both of my thumbs down. Cotton, definitely cotton. I moved my fingertips up a bit to find the upper edge and yep. Bingo. Boy shorts. I am so fucking good at this.

Her head was thrown back and she was sighing; I couldn't help it. She just looked so sweet and adorable, even though I knew she wasn't. I put a soft kiss at the base of her throat, making her clench underneath her skirt. That's right; I could feel that shit underneath my thumbs, which I hadn't fucking moved. I was waiting for permission in the form of either further leg-spreading or legs wrapping around my waist to continue my perusal of her panties. I can't be exactly sure, but I think she's…dare I say it… bare. Down there. Boy shorts and Brazilians… these are a few of my favorite things, yo.

I was starting to get serious wood, and I know I keep saying that, but fuck, dude. This girl was killing me. Too cute for anyone's good, and sexy as all get-out. Plus the poker thing… I'd better nail 'er before I start having a fucking crush or some shit. Move it, Emmett.

I wrapped her up in my arms, pulling her closer to me. Nibbling her neck. Chicks love that. She pressed into me, and I could feel her hard nipples pushing against me, which of course means I need to touch them. I let go and brought my hands between us, finally feeling her soft breasts in my palms. Wow. These were real, not like the fake tits most bitches in this town got for their sixteenth birthday. Real. Soft, and so damned lovely. I closed my eyes because I didn't want her to see me rolling them into the back of my head. I love me a good set of tits, but these were unbelievable.

I was nuzzled in her neck and about to attempt to steal third when that fucker Cullen had to pipe in with his rude comment. I groaned loudly, realizing that my night was over. I had to push away and begin immediate Red Alert Retreat Protocol; dirty play, Edward. Dirty. I'd have been proud if it were anyone but me at the receiving end.

Maybe Rosalie's still here. She hates sloppy seconds, but she never could resist a cock in front of her mouth.


If you liked it, maybe we'll do more. If not, well. Sorry.