Sisterhood of the Dinner Purses
"Grandma Renee! I'm the best hunter! I always get the biggest! I'm even better than Jake!" said Renesmee.
Bella and Charlie looked at each other nervously; Edward was slightly tense, though he could tell Renee wasn't concerned with what Renesmee had said…yet.
"Oh, really sweetheart? What do you and Jacob hunt?" Renee's face didn't show any surprise, she merely assumed that Renesmee had an active imagination.
"We hunt," Renesmee started.
"Seashells! On the beach." Jacob said, cutting off Renesmee before she could tell Renee that she regularly took down large elk bucks.
"That's wonderful sweetie! You'll have to show me your collection," said Renee. Jacobs face fell slightly at that.
"Better hope the tide pools have a lot of shells in them, Jacob," Edward murmured swiftly. "Otherwise, you may have to go buy some."
"Rocks! Should have said rocks! Quil has buckets of the stupid things," Jacob whispered back remorsefully.
'I wanna tell Grandma Renee about my hunting. She asked if we knew any hunters,' Renesmee thought towards Edward.
Edward leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Ness, we can't let Grandma Renee know that. She wouldn't understand. Grandpa Charlie was ready to hear the truth, that's the only reason he didn't have a heart attack when you accidentally told the secret." Renesmee wrinkled her nose and pushed her lower lip out in a pout reminiscent of Bella.
"Oh my, you must be taking lessons from Bella! She looked just like that when she was a little girl, and trying to get her way. Edward, she must certainly have you around her little finger!"
Edward instantly opened his mouth to deny Renee's teasing but he didn't get a word out before all the Cullens said, "Yes, she does, Edward."
Edward's eyebrows pulled together in consternation. "She may have me around her little finger, but she has Jacob eating out of the palm of her hand!"
Now, it was Jacob's turn to look consternated. "She does n-" he began.
"Yes, she does, Jacob," everyone said. Now, Edward looked triumphant. Not only had his family agreed, so did Charlie, Sue and Billy. Seth was still too busy eating to say anything; he simply looked at Jacob with a smirk, and a knowing gleam in his eye.
"Sure, sure." Jacob conceeded, looking at Renesmee and losing all desire to deny it.
"So, who's ready for dessert?" Renee asked what would normally be a very innocent and anticipated question on Thanksgiving. At this gathering, though, several forced smiles quickly covered pained grimaces.
"I'm ready! There's always room for dessert, right?" said Charlie.
'Sure, in my purse,' Bella thought at Edward, who smiled.
"Yeah, I'm ready for dessert!" agreed Seth, even though he was still working on his dinner plate.
"My, you La Push boys certainly eat your fill! I've never seen anyone eat more than you and Jacob have tonight. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I was feeding a pack of wild dogs!"
"They are dogs! Big giant wolves!" Renesmee said, sure that this was a safe topic, since Renee had brought it up. Bella quickly leaned over and whispered another reminder in her ear about figurative speech.
Seth started coughing, Rosalie was overcome with laughter, and Emmett's hearty guffaws could not be stifled. Carlisle and Esme just looked at each other before laughing softly. Bella was grinning while quietly hushing Renesmee. Jacob's jaw simply hung open until Edward reached over and nudged him. Sue started clapping Seth on the back and said, "You should see the mess they leave at home! Renesmee's right; they behave just like dogs too!"
Everyone started laughing anew; Charlie was worried at how close things were coming to the mark. Edward simply caught his eye and shook his head, reminding Charlie that he could read everyone's thoughts, and that the secret was still safe, though it had nearly been trampled over by a figurative pack of dogs. Charlie marginally relaxed, though he still held his back straighter than normal.
"I've got pumpkin, blueberry, peach, and cherry pies, and a strawberry tart. There is also whipped cream to go on top. Who wants what?" Renee was bringing in the various different desserts, in addition to two cans of whipped cream.
"I want something of everything!" said Seth and Jacob, while eagerly eyeing the various pies.
Renee looked at them for a moment in deep thought, her brain starting to go into overdrive. Edward was getting nervous; something had to be done. Random pieces of information were starting to collide in her head. Carlisle's ever youthful face, Charlie's panic over garlic, Bella's paler than usual skin, her lack of klutz-attack, and the two Quileute boys who had eaten more than everyone else combined, and were still salivating at the thought of more. Edward's growing panic at the things that were starting to piece together was starting to break through his schooled features, cracking his painfully crafted façade. Every non-human at the table was watching his face in alarm. Something had to be done. Emmett took charge.
"FOOD FIGHT!!!" he yelled, grabbing the closest serving bowl to him, and lobbing a great big gob of mashed potatoes right into Edward's face, before reloading and hitting everyone in the room. Realizing the game at hand, everyone at the table joined in, and soon, even Charlie, Sue, Renee and Phil were heaving spoonfuls of their feast to the other side of the table. Esme grabbed her antique painting off the wall and ran, hoping to save it from intense restoration later. Carlisle commandeered a can a whipped cream, and nearly emptied it on Emmett's head before Alice upended the cherry pie over Carlisle's blond hair.
"No! Not the pies!" Jacob and Seth rushed over to grab a pie each, before taking a big bite and hurling the rest across the table, splattering the room in fruit, glaze, and crust. The strawberry tart had hit several of them before being expended. Rosalie crawled out from under the table, her eyes glinting in anger at Emmett for starting this human-food fight. She grabbed the second can of whipped cream and emptied it down the front of Emmett's shirt, making sure to mash it in thoroughly. He only grinned at her and let her do it, knowing accepting this was better than letting her get a full head of steam later.
"Enough!" Esme spoke softly, but everyone stopped all the same. She stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips, and looked around the room with a stern look which was rapidly being replaced with a smile.
"He started it," everyone said while pointing their fingers at Emmett, who resembled the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man with all the whipped cream covering his head and chest. He merely shrugged his shoulders and grinned unrepentantly.
"As such, he will be in charge of cleaning up the mess. Since everyone else participated, you can all show your Thanksgiving spirit by helping. Don't forget the strawberries on the ceiling, or the cherries in the carpet. Those tend to stain. Come on Renesmee, let's give you a bath." With that, Esme took Renesmee's hand and led her upstairs; she could be heard chattering all the way up the stairs.
"I didn't think human food could be so fun! Momma always said it's not nice to play with your food, since it's mean to scare something before you eat it." Her words cut off as they went into the upstairs bathroom and started running the water.
"Well, she does have an active imagination, doesn't she?" said Renee, while wiping yams from her forehead.
"Oh, Bella, this has been the most wonderful visit! I can't wait to do this again next year! Carlisle, Esme, thank you so much for letting us use your home! Emmett, we're going to have a rematch right? Oh, Renesmee, you are so lovely, I can't wait to visit you again! Phil, we'd better get going. You're going to have to pull me out of here. I can't leave on my own."
"OK Hon, let's go. The car is waiting." Phil said, while tugging gently on her hand. Renee reached over for one last hug with Bella, squeezing her tightly.
"Bella, dear, you should go put on a sweater, you're freezing! You've just gotten a little too used to this Forks weather! I think your blood must have gotten thicker!" Renee pulled away, and wiped at her eyes.
"Hon…" Phil said again.
"Ok, ok, I'm coming." She said.
They got into their car and started to drive away, when a brief ray of sunshine broke through the clouds for a moment, just as Renee was looking back in the side mirror.
"Phil! Oh, I think I need to get my eyes checked… I could have sworn they were all sparkling for a moment there. I guess it was just a trick of the light." Renee said, slightly shaken.
On the lawn, Alice's eyes came back into focus after a vision of Renee's next visit. Bella's mother would not be distracted from the glaringly obvious fact that humans did not age two or three years within the space of one, while no one else aged at all. There would be no need to pretend at the dinner table. Smiling, Alice turned to the others and said, "We will have venison next year, though we won't need our stylish five course purses, and we definitely won't be sitting at the dining table!"
A/N: Does Renee figure it out? Yes. Renee is highly perceptive, her only problem is that she is also easily redirected. She's just made a whole bunch of observations that she just did't focus on at the time. However, unlike the scene in Eclipse, Bella won't be there to tell her she's been reading too much science fiction. This story is finished, but I intentionally left it vague so that *if* I can come up with enough funny gags without repeating anything from Charlie's revelation, I can do a story about Renee finding out. I don't think that Bella would fake her death just because her kooky mom got suspicious. Esecially since I stated earlier in this story that Alice saw that the Volturi won't untuck their tails and think about the Cullens until Charlie and Renee's natural life has past, and as it's my story, I say those silly Italian vamps won't change their minds:) Got any Idea's for Renee? let me know!