Disclaimer: I dont own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.
Set at the Cullen house hold a while after the Breaking Dawn.
Esme: Do you know why you're both here?
Emmett: Yes, Esme.
Esme: Edward? Stop writhing, please.
Edward: But I; I can't; I need to; BELLA!!
Esme: No, Edward, Bella is doing that for a reason.
Edward: Make. Her. Stop.
Bella: (yelling from the other room) No, Edward, you have to do this without mind reading.
Edward: Love. Ah. Please, just unblock it. So frustrating.
Esme: Calm Edward. Are you calm?
Edward: Maybe, am I calm? I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF JASPER IS DOING THIS!
Esme: Edward, do you know why you are here?
Edward: Yes, Esme, I do.
Esme: Why is that, Edward? Emmett?
Emmett: Because I pick on him and he whinges and tells on me like a little baby to his mummy.
Edward: Because Emmett is an arsehole and we are here to deal with his arsey problems.
Esme: We are here because you two are having issues.
Emmett: What is this? Couples counselling?
Edward: No, Emmett, Rose booked you in for that on Thursday.
Emmett: Shut up.
Edward: Wow, you should write a book of comebacks. 'Out now, Emmett's book of retorts including such greatness as 'Shut up' 'Go Away' 'you poo' and 'I'll tell mum.'
Emmett: No, Edward that last one was you, cry baby.
Esme: Stop it, both of you. This is what I was talking about. You need to learn to get along. Let us do some exercises. Emmett, what annoys you about Edward.
Emmett: Well… his face, mostly.
Emmett: Well, whenever I am about to say something smart or witty…
Edward: (coughs) never
Emmett: As I was saying- whenever I am about to say something smart Edward goes and steals it or laughs and I know it is because of what I am thinking and it makes me feel angry, and it kind of lowers my self esteem. Plus he always says 'Hey, that's a great idea' when nobody has said anything and then everyone is confused and it pisses me off monumentally.
Esme: Yes, Edward, that pisses everyone off. So, Edward would you like to work on those things?
Edward: Yes, of course, I will just shut off the power that I have been using for almost a century at Emmett's whim.
Bella: (from the other room) If you don't, I can.
Esme: Moving on. Edward, what annoys you about Emmett?
Edward: Well, he is always laughing at Bella, and telling crude jokes targeting me, and when we are out hunting he always tries to kill all the mountain lions before I can get to them.
Esme: Emmett. That is just plain mean. What would you do if Edward killed all the bunnies before you got to them?
Emmett: (whispering) Esme, be quiet, Bella is here, no one but you and Edward know.
Edward: I'm sorry, Emmett, I don't think she meant to spill that you really love to drink bunny rabbits over grizzly bears.
Bella enters the room.
Bella: What was that?
Emmett: We were talking about… umm… Edwards honey crab bits?
Bella: I heard Edward. You love bunny rabbits? I am so telling Rosalie about this.
Emmett: Bella, please, just. I am begging you. Don't.
Edward: Muhaha! Alice will have seen Bella's decision to tell Rose by now, and she'll find out anyway!
Emmett turns to Edward
Emmett: You are dead, brother dearest.
Edward: Ha ha! Rose is going to know!
Edward: Hey, I didn't say pull my finger! Ahh! Give it back! Emmett!
Emmett runs off with Edward's finger and Edward himself chasing him.
Esme: So… that went well.
Bella: Yeah… I'm going to go and… kill some defenceless creatures. Want to come with?
They leave the house, a second later Alice burst through the doors.
Alice: OMG Emmett eats bunny rabbits?!
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