Disclaimer: I dont own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.

Set at the Cullen house hold a while after the Breaking Dawn.

Esme: Do you know why you're both here?

Emmett: Yes, Esme.

(Short pause)

Esme: Edward? Stop writhing, please.

Edward: But I; I can't; I need to; BELLA!!

Esme: No, Edward, Bella is doing that for a reason.

Edward: Make. Her. Stop.

Bella: (yelling from the other room) No, Edward, you have to do this without mind reading.

Edward: Love. Ah. Please, just unblock it. So frustrating.

Esme: Calm Edward. Are you calm?


Esme: Edward, do you know why you are here?

Edward: Yes, Esme, I do.

Esme: Why is that, Edward? Emmett?

Emmett: Because I pick on him and he whinges and tells on me like a little baby to his mummy.

Edward: Because Emmett is an arsehole and we are here to deal with his arsey problems.

Esme: We are here because you two are having issues.

Emmett: What is this? Couples counselling?

Edward: No, Emmett, Rose booked you in for that on Thursday.

Emmett: Shut up.

Edward: Wow, you should write a book of comebacks. 'Out now, Emmett's book of retorts including such greatness as 'Shut up' 'Go Away' 'you poo' and 'I'll tell mum.'

Emmett: No, Edward that last one was you, cry baby.

Esme: Stop it, both of you. This is what I was talking about. You need to learn to get along. Let us do some exercises. Emmett, what annoys you about Edward.

Emmett: Well… his face, mostly.

Esme: Emmett!

Emmett: Well, whenever I am about to say something smart or witty…

Edward: (coughs) never

Emmett: As I was saying- whenever I am about to say something smart Edward goes and steals it or laughs and I know it is because of what I am thinking and it makes me feel angry, and it kind of lowers my self esteem. Plus he always says 'Hey, that's a great idea' when nobody has said anything and then everyone is confused and it pisses me off monumentally.

Esme: Yes, Edward, that pisses everyone off. So, Edward would you like to work on those things?

Edward: Yes, of course, I will just shut off the power that I have been using for almost a century at Emmett's whim.

Bella: (from the other room) If you don't, I can.

Emmett: Owned.

Esme: Moving on. Edward, what annoys you about Emmett?

Edward: Well, he is always laughing at Bella, and telling crude jokes targeting me, and when we are out hunting he always tries to kill all the mountain lions before I can get to them.

Esme: Emmett. That is just plain mean. What would you do if Edward killed all the bunnies before you got to them?

Emmett: (whispering) Esme, be quiet, Bella is here, no one but you and Edward know.

Edward: I'm sorry, Emmett, I don't think she meant to spill that you really love to drink bunny rabbits over grizzly bears.

Bella enters the room.

Bella: What was that?

Emmett: We were talking about… umm… Edwards honey crab bits?

Bella: I heard Edward. You love bunny rabbits? I am so telling Rosalie about this.

Emmett: Bella, please, just. I am begging you. Don't.

Edward: Muhaha! Alice will have seen Bella's decision to tell Rose by now, and she'll find out anyway!

Emmett turns to Edward

Emmett: You are dead, brother dearest.

Edward: Ha ha! Rose is going to know!

Emmett: Dead.

Edward: Hey, I didn't say pull my finger! Ahh! Give it back! Emmett!

Emmett runs off with Edward's finger and Edward himself chasing him.

Esme: So… that went well.

Bella: Yeah… I'm going to go and… kill some defenceless creatures. Want to come with?

Esme: Sure.

They leave the house, a second later Alice burst through the doors.

Alice: OMG Emmett eats bunny rabbits?!

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