Yay, there are officially over 10,000 hits on this story, thanks to all my lovely readers! You guys are awesome so this is for you...a little peak into Lukes mind.


I'd never been one to make a big show over pain, just wasn't my style. Played a lot of football in high school, got tackled and elbowed, sure it hurt, but you didn't show it - didn't hurt enough to show it anyway.

And then I woke up cryin' like a baby and realized that I'd never felt real pain before in my life.

Last thing I remember about before that moment was pain too, but thinking back on it, that pain had been like a bag of kittens. I guess that's the thing about pain, you think it's the worst thing anyone could possibly feel when it's happening to you, but then you look back on it and realize it wasn't really anything at all. Maybe I'll look back on this and think it didn't hurt that bad...I doubt it. I think I'll remember this for the rest of my life, which I guess is forever, at least that's what they told me.

I still didn't really believe all this fairy tale nonsense, not really, not until now. I still sorta thought it might be some big, sick joke, but now I knew. A pain this bad could only be supernatural.

Well, it doesn't matter, now I know, part of me is kinda ticked that I didn't believe 'em, part of me wishes they had been lying and I was dead. I don't like to think about it, it only makes the hurt worse.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, the last thing I remember was pain, like my insides weren't workin' like they should...not that they ever really had, but this was a lot worse. I was sweatin' and my sides felt like knives were just usin' them as a pin cushion. The doc came in then, the friendly one with the nice hair and perfect face, and he did some shit. You'd think bein' in the hospital so much I woulda picked up on some of this medical business, but I guess I never cared too much about the method as long as it worked. And when it didn't work, when all that chemo and IV fluids did squat, there was no reason to care at all.

Well, anyway, the doc came in, did something, asked me how I felt. I told him, 'like shit doc', and he nodded, lookin' real concerned. I always hated that about doctors, they looked concerned but deep down you knew you were just a new treatment or experiment that they wanted to try out, but this guy actually looked like he cared. Maybe he was just a good actor, who knows, all I do know is that about a second later he stuck me with a needle and everything went dark.

I think I mighta heard shouting, and then whispers, and then somebody leaving. I think I heard that girl's voice too, that one that loves me for some reason even I can't figure out. I think I remember her tellin' me I would have to suck it up and I woulda smiled if I could, 'cause it was just such a Leah thing to say. Never one for sentimentalities, that woman, which is good...sentimentalities can stay in hallmark cards where they belong.

After that I felt like I was swimming. I was always on the edge of total darkness, but somethin' was keeping me from going all the way under, like I was tryin' to hide beneath a blanket but someone kept tryin' to pull it away.

The pain wasn't so bad in the dark, it was just an ache, and I ached all the time anyway so, it wasn't anything new. But then it started to burn, the darkness that had kept me so dang comfy started to fade and things got so bright I wanted to rip my eyes out and throw 'em against the wall. That's when I realized I was screaming, two sets of hands - one too hot and one too cold - were holdin' me down, and I fought them because it was the only thing I could think to do.

I heard Leah somewhere, sounding a million miles away and right next to me at the same time. She said...something, I don't know, I was screaming too loud. I opened my eyes then, just to make sure this wasn't hell, because it sure as hell felt like hell, and I saw her. She looked so relieved and so sad at the same time and I didn't care. I just wanted it to end. I asked her to do it, asked her to kill me because I knew if there was anyone who woulda done what I asked, it was her.

But she didn't so, I kept on burning.

She left the room then, looked like she wanted to cry, but I knew she wouldn't. And part of me wanted to forget that I felt like my bones were all breaking only to heal right back up and break again, but I couldn't. I closed my eyes again because without her there was nothing worth lookin' at anyway.

The truth was that part of me was glad I couldn't go after her, part of me wanted her to suffer just a little 'cause I was suffering so much. It was a mean, selfish thing to think, but I never said I was perfect, and you can't help what you think, you can only help what you say. And I didn't say anything.

I stopped yelling after awhile 'cause it only made my throat hurt even more than it already did. The younger one, Edward, he told me it was okay to yell if I wanted, that sometimes it made it easier. I wanted to tell him to get a fuckin' dictionary and look up the definition of easy.

Leah came back sometime later, her footsteps were so loud in my ears they felt like they would bleed. She came over and touched my face and it felt like a thousand tiny, white hot pins were all stabbing me at once. I bit my tongue until it bled, but I didn't scream again, of I did, I wouldn't be able to stop. The bleeding stopped soon anyway, just stopped like it had never even started at all, and I was both relieved and scared, but in too much pain to really be either.

Leah didn't touch me again, which was good seeing as I felt like a pile of ash that would crumble if anything even got to close. She told me stories, I don't remember most of what she said, couldn't concentrate, but it was sort of nice to hear something other than the screaming inside my head.

I noticed everything was starting to feel weird then. The sheets had too many threads, clothes made too much noise when they rubbed up against each other, I could feel every drop of sweat that ran down my face. It was weird, but I ignored it; what else could I do?

I heard forks scraping on plates and a few words between two people forced to watch a man die. Then I heard her leave, she threw open a window and was gone. I wished Edward would close it after her, the breeze felt like an ice so cold it burned just like the rest of me. But he left it open, he went away too, probably to clean up whatever was left of the food Leah had been eating. I got the impression that they were all just a little obsessive compulsive about cleaning...I wondered if I would be too.

It felt like years passed, sounds were getting too loud so I just listened to the beating of my heart. It was too fast, but that was okay, it was always just a little too fast nowadays, probably from the cancer...or maybe it just wanted something to be excited about. But now I just wanted it to stop. The doc had told me that was the last step, the heart would stop and then you'd be dead, but not really. I wished I could make it stop myself, just to escape the pain, but he said I had three days. Three days of agony to pay for eternity, it didn't seem like a big deal, but now I knew that purgatory must have been something like this. You joke about your bad deeds and think about hell, but you don't know how bad it really is until you get there.

Twenty lifetimes later I heard her come back. I could smell her and she smelt like pain. I tried not to breath after that, I had enough pain, I didn't need to smell it too.

The fire felt like it was burning through my veins, like someone had injected acid right into my blood and it was slowly turning it to jello. I could feel were the blood still flowed, free and untainted, but I could feel where it didn't too. The part of me that was still alive felt like it was dying in the worst way possible, like every cell in my body was exploding and putting itself back together using fire. The part of me that was dead still felt like it was dying, but it felt it a lot more, like somehow I could feel the very air around me...and it burned just like every other feeling.

I think I remember when the cancer was gone. First the burning got worse in a certain spot in my gut, and then it felt like it was left a hole, a void where something had once been, but that now was gone. I felt like I could breath for the first time in forever and I wished I couldn' hurt to breath.

Smells got stronger, sounds got louder, feelings got more intense. I tried to tune it all out, it was bad enough having to deal with the pain without having to deal with this too, but I couldn't ignore everything.

Leah's nails were breaking in the other room, she said something and it sounded like...bitter, but I couldn't make out what she said. I heard Edward's voice too and I wanted to tell him to get her the heck outta here so she wouldn't have to see this, but knowing Leah - and somehow I did know Leah - she probably woulda just kicked his ass.

The burn was getting stronger now, like adding gasoline to a forest fire, and I clenched the sheets in my hands so tight I thought they would melt to my skin. And then it started to fade, starting in my hands and feet and working its way towards my heart. But there was no relief, because for each inch of my body that was freed from the burning, my chest burned twice as fiercely.

I thought I was going to just explode out of existence - no one could go through this and just get up and walk away - but I didn't explode. Just my heart did. It thundered in my chest, like a hundred horses running across the top of the world's biggest drum, and stopped.

The burning was gone and I heard nothing but my own breath, felt nothing but perfect, and when I opened my eyes...I saw nothing but Leah.


So, what did ya think? Angsty enough? Oh and have you read my new story yet? You should.

http:// www. fanfiction .net/s/5029497/1/Of_Gods_And_Demons