Title: The Way of the Gun
Pairings: RxD, R+1, 1 x/+ ?
Warnings: Definitely NOT anti-Relena... I don't hate her, I just enjoy torturing and vilifying the poor girl. Language. Yuri and yaoi... Drunken rambling.
Notes: Profuse thanks to Selena Barton, who beta-ed this fic, and... Uh, a happy wiggling of fingers to Fala Tzipori.
Once, I let Dorothy fuck me with a gun. It was loaded, but the safety was on, and her fingers didn't get anywhere near the trigger. But it was still an utterly terrifying experience... And I liked it.
I don't really know why I did it. Maybe it was because I thought it would remind me of Heero. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and think that Heero will call me and tell me he loves me. I know he won't, but, sleep-fogged, I still wonder whether it might be a possibility.
And I also know that Dorothy will never be able to make it up to me that she isn't him. She knows it, too, but she acts like she doesn't mind. She's always been more take-what-you-can-get. I'm more of a dreamer, an idealist, a romantic. Sometimes, I will catch her eye when she isn't expecting me to look at her, and I know that she really hates me.
I'm sure Dorothy hates me, and I think that if I could, I would hate her back. But I can't. There isn't anyone I really hate, except for maybe Heero.
I know, I know... How could I hate Heero? He's all I ever think about, how could I hate him? But that's just the problem. Some days I wonder why he can't just die and leave my mind alone. He's all I ever think about. Then I realize that if I think it too hard, it might just come true, and I feel guilty. I guess it's right of me to feel guilt over wishing Heero's death. But, then again, sometimes I think it's less guilt and more a fear for myself that makes me take back my curses on him.
I dream about Heero nearly every night. When I write speeches, I trail off and think about what Heero would have to say, which is nothing.
But this isn't what I was talking about. I was talking about Dorothy, and a gun, and me screaming her name... I think.
I know I'm drunk. I know. Just hear me out, and then you can leave. You can't hate me so much that you'd leave a stupid, drunk girl here all on her own. Actually, now that I think of it, I've probably given you more than enough reason to hate me exactly that much, but... You're probably a better person than I am - undoubtedly a better person - and... and...
Thank you. I know you wouldn't actually leave... I'm an... alarmist.
He loved you, you know that. But I don't want to be one of those bitter ex-wife types who calls her ex-husband's new girlfriend and tells her how much of a horrible bitch she is, and how he'll cheat on her... Because Heero and I never got married, and we won't ever, and he couldn't ever cheat on anyone because I don't think he understands it...
No, not love... He obviously understands that. He loves you, doesn't he?
... Are you laughing at me?
Oh, anyway! Dorothy! Fucking Dorothy! ... Or, actually, Dorothy fucking me, but whatever, right...?
I said, stop laughing! I am going to tell you this, even if it takes all night... Did you know that I've never been drunk before?
Well, yeah, I've had drinks before, but... Never like this before now.
Well, don't feel special. It isn't anything special. In any case... I let Dorothy put the gun in me... And, like I said, I liked it... I think. It was a really scary thrill.
No, I don't care if they're listening. They can all go home and get their own girlfriends to fuck them with guns. I don't care.
We're living in a time where there are, officially, no weapons. She whispered that into my ear right before I came...
When I finally got around to thinking again, after she was asleep, that was all that was in my head. I wasn't thinking about Heero at all, or anything I had to do the next day, or anything but what Dorothy had said.
It was kinda funny... It still is.
I know I am, you bastard! - Oh, sorry!
No, I didn't mean anything by it...
Okay... So, like... So I'm a major illustrator in the move for universal peace, and I'm living in a time where there are no weapons of mass destruction, and where everyone says that there is no violence.
Yeah, and I'm lying there, getting fucked by a gun. Kind of weird, right?
Yeah. It's a kind of a thrill. Didn't know whether I should have been scared, or not... But...
No, I wasn't. I... I fell down the stairs a couple of weeks ago. It was so weird. I fell down the steps, and I could have killed myself falling down those stairs. But I didn't. And Dorothy came running out of the office and picked me up like I didn't weigh anything at all, and carried me into the bedroom, and... and... I could've died then, but I didn't. My stupid ankle just swelled up and got sore so that I had to limp around for a week. It didn't even break or fracture... It just got all swollen, and I could've been dead. I guess that's what you call dumb luck.
... Some days, I think I really lover her, and that I'll spend the rest of my life with her.
I know, but... I'm a little older now, and - I'm probably deluding myself, here - a little bit wiser.
Things were always different with Heero. For one, the war was going on. No one was at peace, then, except for maybe him. For another, I think that I always knew I'd never have him. But I still do dream about him, still do think I see him walking into restaurants, or something. I guess I deluded myself about a lot of things then, but I also knew, in some darker part of my brain, that I had no chance with Heero. Whether that was because he was in love with you, or what, I don't know. But it doesn't really matter, either, anymore...
I guess we all have luck in certain parts of life. Like falling down the stairs, or writing peace treaties. Heero and I both have the annoying habit of just never managing to die when we should. But that could never keep us together or anything, you know? In fact, some days I think it's more the thing that kept us apart.
Relena and Heero - they just kept trying to kill each other! It wouldn't have made for a healthy, stable relationship... Not that I really have one now, but, you know, that's the way it goes, I guess.