Explaining a lot

One-shot. Because we have all-at one time or another-toyed with the idea of a gay Sasuke. Crack-ish. SakuSasu Team 7 plus Sai

Like a virus, it started with a single bacterium. A random person observing from an objective point of view perhaps. It spread throughout Konoha, like an infection of some sort. A fascinating infection that promised to capture attention wherever it went. Who knows how long it went on without being detected, but like any other illness, it became visible, so that everyone was aware of it. Everyone except the unfortunate subject himself.

When Sasuke first got to the walked out of his compound, nothing was unusual about the day; the sky was blue, the sun was up, and Naruto inhaled six bowls of ramen. In Sasuke-ese that translated to: it's too bright, too hot, and Naruto's still a moron. The only difference was, as he was walking to meet with the rest of the team, he noticed some of his fangirls were sniffing and making Teary Eyes at him. (Other's had a predatory glint to them, but that must've been his imagination…) Must've realized he wasn't interested, he mused.

However, his suspicions were further aroused when he looked and saw all everyone at the bridge. All four of them, including Kakashi. Who was never on time-let alone early. When they turned around and spotted him, they stiffened. Now Sasuke was completely wary. What was going on?

When he was only about five feet away, he came to a stop, hands in his pocket, an appropriate scowl on his face, and stick properly lodged in his-um, yeah.

The staring lasted for maybe five seconds, and then Naruto launched himself at Sasuke screaming obscenities.

"What the hell?!" was all he could get out before Naruto imprisoned him in a headlock. He twisted his way free.

"You bastard!" shouted the indignant blonde, "How could you not tell us? Us!"

"Tell you what, you demented moron?" barked Sasuke filled with equal resentment.

Kakashi wisely interfered before a full blown fight could come out of this.

"Sasuke," he addressed his former protégé with a careful, even tone, "what Naruto means to say is-"

"You could've trusted us. I mean it's not like we were going to blackmail you or anything," interrupted a still unsettled Naruto, "well okay, maybe we would've, but still…I shared my ramen with you!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"God Sasuke-kun," Sakura rolled her eyes. Sasuke narrowed his. Even Sakura was in on this?

"Don't you think it's a little too late to play dumb?" she continued, "I mean, I'm pretty sure that the entire village has heard by now."

He stared. Know what, exactly?

Kakashi stepped in again.

"I suppose it's not that surprising."

What isn't?

"I mean look at all the clues."

He, Sai, Sakura, and Naruto all looked at him.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," snapped Sasuke, still utterly confuzzled.

"Sasuke-kun, you don't have to hide it anymore," said Sakura, slightly more gentle now.


"You can come out of the closet, teme," Naruto added helpfully.

Blank stare.

"We know you, um, you're down with the rainbow," Sakura again.

Blank stare.

"You can tell us anything," Kakashi this time.

Sasuke almost snorted. Now he was being the patient and understanding sensei?

"I believe what dickless and ugly is trying to say is-we know you're gay, and you don't have to be ashamed of it anymore," explained Sai .

Sakura blinked.

Naruto blinked.

Sai smiled.

Sasuke stared. Gay? As in like, happy?

Kakashi patted him on them back, "It's okay to experiment, Sasuke. In fact, if you want I can lend you this…" He pulled out a copy of that morally questionable orange book seemingly from thin air.

"Here," he shoved the offending piece of literature to him.

Sasuke glanced at the cover, Forbidden Love with two boys (men) in a very suggestive pose before thrusting it out of his hands and throwing it into the water under the bridge.

Well, there went six dollars worth of porn. Tragic really.

"I am not gay."

Sakura glared at Sai.

"See, I told you to be patient and not say anything. This is a very sensitive subject for Sasuke-kun."

"Shut. Up."

Naruto snickered, reveling in his usually broody teammate's discomfort.

Such a sensitive soul, that one.

"Relax, Sasuke-kun, I mean I don't know how we all missed the signs. I mean, you never showed any interest in girls-"

The accused opened his mouth to protest.

"I mean other than fighting them."


"And you are abnormally pretty…" Sakura glanced at him wistfully.

He glowered at her.

"And we were all there when you kissed Naruto," she pointed out.


He suppressed a shudder. No need to revisit that dark, dark past.

"I didn't kiss him!"

Sakura threw him a skeptical look, "Right. What, did he have some sort of bug on his lips that you needed to crush with your mouth?"

Sasuke sputtered uncharacteristically for a moment, and then continued to protest.

"He was the one that kissed me!" he almost shouted, "And damnit, that doesn't count. It was an accident! It was really sudden!"

"So either you planned it or you weren't fast enough to move out of the way? Which is it?"

Translation: "So either you're gay or you're slow."

Sasuke scowled. Pride vs. Dignity. What a low blow.

"Wait a minute," Kakashi held out both of his hands, "This is the first time I'm hearing this. And since we're doing this for Sasuke, maybe we should reenact this whole thing…you know, for his sake."

Somehow, no one was surprised when two fists came at his head at warp speed. Even less surprising when he actually managed to dodge in time.

"Sensei! This is not the time," Sakura said, annoyed that they were getting off topic.

"Right," agreed Naruto, "So Sasuke…anything you want to talk about? Is this the traumatic effect of having your whole family slaughtered? Or did you just one day wake up and say, 'Hey, I think I'll start liking boys because so many girls are repulsed by my hideous looks.'?"




"Your eye's doing that twitchy thing again, like it does right before you go spastic."

"I. AM. NOT. GAY."

And before further speculation could be made, he grabbed Sakura square on the shoulder and kissed her full on the mouth. Hard.

Five seconds passed.



Soft moans.


Sasuke finally pulled away so the two of them could recover from the lack of oxygen.

"Okay," Naruto finally said after an awkward-ish pause, "Well, I guess that solves that."


"…So who's up for ramen?"

Naruto led Kakashi and Sai to Ichiraku. Sasuke was about to follow when Sakura pulled him back with a sharp tug on his collar. She pulled him down until his face was level with hers.

"You may've convinced those idiots, but I demand more proof."


So how'd you like it? Review!

P.S. For all those extremely sensitive ones out there, I have nothing against gays, but it brings me great amusement to see Sasuke suffer like this! CHA!