Not S.M.

Warnings: Major angst. Hopefully it will make you cry or something... :D


I sank to the ground, falling to my knees.

She was… gone.

I… I couldn't breathe.

I felt human again… needing air.

My body felt heavy, I couldn't support myself.

My reason for existing was gone.

Gone, gone, gone….

The words flashed across my eyelids in rapid motion, mocking my pain, mocking my loss.

I clenched my fists, silently begging it all to go away.

For Alice to be here with me.

I shut myself down, I moved in slow motion.

Falling, falling, falling…

I could barely register the voices around me.

Jasper… they said. Jasper…

The sound sickened me. My own name made me want to vomit…

The world was disappearing.

Was it even possible? I don't know.

Was it possible for our kind to die?

To fall unconscious?

Well, this was as close as I was getting.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

Wanting it all to just go away….

Away, away, away…

I gasped.

My chest, my frozen heart….

It hurt.

It felt worse than when I was first changed….

If this wasn't death I wasn't sure what was.

It felt like someone had set fire to my heart…

It was burning like hell.

I squeezed my arms around myself.

I felt my head come into the contact with the hard ground.

It didn't even register to my senses.

It didn't even matter anymore.

Nothing did.

I stopped breathing.

I stopped hearing.

I stopped seeing.

I stopped caring.

I stopped being.

Behind my eyelids, all I could see was her face.

Her beautiful smile…

It made me want to scream

And cry

And laugh

All at the same time.

I had stopped breathing.

It was becoming uncomfortable.

Just one breath…

I took a deep breath, choking on the large intake of air.

Then I cut myself off again.

I didn't want to breathe.

I wanted to cause myself pain.

Or at least some discomfort.


Then the vision behind my eyes changed.

Alice was looking at me, and saying…

"Jasper, come on, you don't need me."

And then she smiled once more and turned around.

She walked away from me and was fading, fading, fading…

"Alice!" I screamed.

My voice was… hoarse somehow.

"Alice don't leave me!"

I couldn't tell if my eyes were closed.

I couldn't tell if I was breathing.

I couldn't tell if I had said a word out loud.

"Alice…" her name. Her beautiful, beautiful name…

The pain, it was immeasurable.

It was burning in my chest, where my heart had once beat.

It was ripping me open, each memory a more painful tear than the last…

I wouldn't be able to survive this way much longer.

I had to find some way… to end it.

To end my existence.

I could barely feel the presence of the others around me.

I could barely feel their sorrow, their sympathy, their pain…

It was all so minute compared to my own emotions.

They were holding my limbs down, I was convulsing involuntarily.

Was that even possible?

"Kill me…" I slurred… my mouth didn't want to move.

I was shutting myself down.

I had lost half of myself.

I couldn't survive now.

The murmuring voices began to buzz.

I was not able to comprehend what they were saying.

"Kill me! Kill me, kill me, kill me!" I screamed.

I gasped and my back arched.

I wanted out.

I felt trapped here… without her.

The burning in my chest increased.

It was tearing me in two.

"No…. you'll be okay…" that was all I could understand of the voices.

But, they were wrong.

Sickly, extremely, completely wrong.

I wouldn't be okay.

I would never be okay.

Without her.

"Kill-!" I screamed and choked on my words.

Someone began sobbing.

The sound; it distracted me.

It calmed me, if only by a miniscule bit.

"Esme…" I spoke, not being able to tell if I was making a sound at all.

"Yes, Jasper," she swallowed her sobs and answered me bravely.

"Esme… please kill me… I can't live without her…"

"Oh Jasper…" she began to sob again.

But I couldn't feel her sadness, her pain.

All I could feel was my own pain.

Besides this, I was numb.

I was falling apart.

I was losing myself.

I had lost my reason for living.

The pain increased inside my heart tenfold.

"Someone, please just kill me!" I screamed, or at least I think I did.

Finally, the movement that I had been waiting for.

Carlisle's voice.

He was my father in a way… as Esme was a kind of mother to us all.

"You're sure Jasper?"

"Yes…" I breathed, choking on the air, through my sobs.

I couldn't feel anything now.

I was falling again…




I felt a slight pull on my right arm.

I'm not sure if I cried out.

I know I didn't feel any pain though.

Not with my current emotional pain…

Another pull.

And another…

And another….

And another…

And then I was gone.

The black was replaced with a bright white light.

Was this heaven or hell?

And more importantly…

Was Alice here?

And then there she was.

Right in front of me.

"Jasper…" she chided with a small frown on her perfect face.

"I told you were going to be okay, you didn't need to do that…"

"But Alice," I spoke before she could continue.

"I couldn't live without my other half."

She smiled and spoke my name… "Jasper…."

It made me smile.

My name.

It sounded… so right on her tongue.

It made my heart swell in contentment.

"Alice…." I whispered.

And then we were okay.

We were whole again.

I hoped you liked it. :D I know I know it was angsty... but I hope it was good.

So please review if you liked it, and tell me if you'd like me to do this in anyone else's perspective! :D