Max Ride: The Parody

Max hurried to the edge of the sofa to vomit messily onto the sticky carpet. She sat up and screamed, "Somebody drugged me! Help! Where's my Angel?"

"Max, you've been drunk for three days,"

"I DON'T NEED THIS CRAP FROM YOU, MISTER EMO," Max screamed. Fang rolled his eyes not bothered by Max's reaction. All the 'Save the World' bullshit had turned his childhood friend into an egomaniac with a stress disorder and an alcohol problem.

"Jeez, Max, when are you going to sober up and smell the roses, you aren't made for greatness," Fang explained reasonably for the billionth time.

"FUCK YOU!!! This is MY house, I bought it with my own money!" Max shouted, "I'll do what I DAMN well please!"

"Max, you sold us out," Fang said, annoyed, "You had us posing for photo shoots and acting for Red Bull ads to buy this house,"

"I don't need to take this shit," Max mumbled after coming up with no logical response. "Get the fuck out, Fang,"

Fang face-palmed, "Fine, I'm gone, I only stayed to help Iggy keep the kiddies sedated."


Fang was already gone, flying away and not looking back, he came to rest under a bridge. "Hey, guys," he called to the assortment of hobos gathered around. "Mind if I join you?"

"You got wings, ya, man? You hunt rabbit?"

"Um, I suppose I could…"

The hobo nodded, "Get him!" The hobos pounced on their leader's command and Fang went down under the mass of them kicking and screaming and making girlish squeals when they caught him in inappropriate places.

Fang emerged from the pile up, looking around him wildly, "I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!!! HOW COULD YOU MAKE ME LIKE IGGY? NOW I WON'T BE A MAIN CHARACTER, YOU BASTARDS!!!!" he screamed.

"You're not blind, yah pussy-bitch," someone chuckled, "We just hooded you like a bird,"

"W-what!? This is insane! I'm NOT a bird and obviously as soon as you take the hood off I'm gonna be out of here!"

"You could take the hood off yourself, man," the hobo said, "But you wont 'cause this'll be a great story to tell and make you a bigger character than Max,"

"ZOMG really?"

"No, dumbass, you'll never be better than Max, go sleep on those boxes to your left, we don't need you right now,"

Fang went and lay down, only realizing then that he'd never mentioned Max to these hobos, how did they know? Were they working for Itex? WERE THEY WORKING FOR RED BULL??? He didn't have the answers, so he vowed to get some sleep and call JP in the morning.

Iggy giggled to himself over the limp forms of Nudge, Gazzy and Angel. He would get his sight back no matter what.


Iggy squealed, jumping a foot in the air and turned to not-see Max storming in, as sober as he'd not-seen her since she'd had her very first drink.

"Get the hell out!" she shrieked, beating him with a cushion, "Fang told me what you two were doing in here! OUT!!!"

Iggy stared blindly at her, "But you're an alcoholic, who will take care of the children," he said, creepily.


Iggy left, tears filling his blind eyes as his chances to get his sight back and touch Nudge inappropriately were foiled. "It's because my daddy didn't love me," he whispered, using the excuse everyone from Santa Clause to Bill Gates had used.

Max sobered up for good, taking care of her flock like she never had before. Life was seemingly perfect as they lived off their sell-out money. Until they got a knock on the door.

"Hello, ma'am, I'm from Animal Control, you're neighbours called about you,"

"ITEX IS BACK," Max screeched, slamming the door in their faces and fleeing to Gazzy. "Come on, Gaz, you're the man of the house now! Go fight!" Gazzy stared up at me with his big blue eyes. A horrible smell reached my nose and I realized how scared he was. Dear God, he was terrified. I choked and pulled him away, calling Nudge and Angel to me as we escaped through the window.

On second thoughts… Nudge slipped through the window and I slammed it shut, Angel smacking into the glass and collapsing. "Yes!" I shouted, punching the air and led the others to the safety of the powerlines.