Aya's Bad Karma
November 12, 2008
Summary: Aya gives his fellow assassins food poisoning and has to endure the weekend before Valentine's Day alone. Omi has a major history paper to write, Ken promised his soccer kids ice cream, and Youji wants to get rid of his new girlfriend. Can Aya help get all this done without cracking? Nope... he resorts to nastiness. Too bad his teammates decide to get nastier.
Warnings: None... good, clean, fun comedy.
Note: One of my favorite classes in college was History of Modern Japan. There really was a Battle of Sekigahara and it was very influential on Japan's history. Of course... Aya's details are a little skewed.
"This is the last time I cook for you three ingrates," Aya said as Ken, Youji, and Omi all scraped their mostly-full plates in the trash. Aya sniffed the pot he had used for cooking and flinched back. He gritted his teeth as he tossed the pot in the trash. Not even his pride could dominate the noxious odor that emanated from the scorched pot.
"No offense, but you are the worst. That had to be a new all time low for you," Youji said, tossing his plate on top of the pot.
"Hey that plate cost money," Omi said.
"Yeah, but we'd need an exorcist to clean it," Ken said, tossing his own plate after Youji's. Omi sighed and tossed his out as well. "I'll make us something edible, then we can get back to making all those bouquets."
"Valentine's Day," Youji hissed with narrowed eyes and ill concealed aggravation in his voice. "I used to think it was a great holiday that could get you laid, but after working in a flower shop I realize it's nothing but pure evil! Working after hours sucks. My new girlfriend is getting on my case."
"You haven't dumped this one yet?" Ken asked, getting down some rice from the cabinet.
"You don't know this one. She's does everything! I mean she even lets me..." Youji started off, looked at Omi, and cleared his throat. "She's a very creative person. She's also way too clingy! I didn't know it at the time, but she's one of those girls who you break up with over the phone, from another city. I tell you. She's a stalker. I really want to break up with her this weekend."
"You are such a dog!" Ken declared.
"She boxed me into a corner, but this weekend... the old heave ho!" Youji said.
"Hey, I'm taking the kids out for ice cream this Saturday as a reward for winning last year's soccer tournament. You guys are all invited. Some of it will be boring because I want to start planning for next soccer season. I hope they work hard this next season too," Ken said.
"I want to, but I have that history paper on the Battle of Sekigahara," Omi said. "It's worth twenty percent of my grade so I really have to make sure I get everything down."
"None of you forget Valentine's Day," Aya said. He sat at the table with Youji and Omi as Ken started a second dinner. Aya looked over at Omi who started to sweat. Youji didn't look so good either.
"I'm not hungry any more," Omi mumbled and laid his head down on the table.
"Yeah. My stomach feels lousy," Youji said, his face clinched in pain. Suddenly, Ken collapsed on the kitchen floor.
"Uh oh," Aya said, getting a nervous twitch in his own stomach.
"Mr. Fujimiya?" the doctor asked, entering the waiting room. Aya looked up from the mountains of paperwork he was filling out on his three teammates. He didn't like the dower look he got from this doctor.
"Are they going to be okay?" Aya asked.
"Yes, but I'm afraid they all have food poising. After we pumped their stomachs..."
"I'm a dead man," Aya mumbled, sinking down into his chair. He knew he was good, but not good enough to fight off his three, angry teammates at once.
"They'll be fine by Monday. They're pretty dehydrated and still worn out from their ordeal. Until then, they should stay here and recuperate," the doctor said.
"But you don't understand!" Aya shouted, jumping out of his chair. "That's Valentine's Day and we work at a flower shop! I can't handle all that work by myself!"
"I'm afraid they won't be fit to work. Pumping their stomachs..."
"Please don't say you did that! They're going to kill me," Aya said, sinking down into his chair again.
"Oh... its not that bad. The way you carry on, you'd think those young men would literally kill you," the doctor said, before letting out a jovial laugh. Aya's faced flushed as he glared at the obnoxious man. "Come on. You can see them now. Granted, they aren't too thrilled with you, but if you apologize, I'm sure everything will be right with the world."
Aya didn't make any comment as the doctor tugged him along to the room Ken and Youji were assigned to. He poked his head in only to have a remote control fly at him. He dodged and back into a corner where he could see both Ken and Youji hooked up to I.V.s. as they laid on their stiff hospital beds. Both looked pale, shaky, and angry.
"Hey, guys. Now I know you maybe a little upset, but I'm the one being punished with Valentine's Day and...," Aya started off, figuring if he elicited sympathy he would have a better chance. That only riled them both up.
"What the... We had our stomachs pumped!" Ken shouted, grimaced, and flopped back onto his pillow.
"Listen, Aya! When we get out of here, you're dead," Youji threatened.
"Okay... okay... what can I do to make it up to you two?" Aya snarled.
"Why don't you dump that psycho stalker, Miyako, for me. That would be a great thing for you to do. Then... maybe a car wash," Youji said.
"Dump your girlfriend? Is that all?" Aya asked, aggravated at the request. Youji smirked.
"She's very persistent," Youji said.
"Fine!" Aya said.
"My kids! Oh no! I promised them ice cream this Saturday," Ken said, raising his head a little. "Aya, I can't let them down. Will you please take my kids for ice cream?"
"Heck no! It's bad enough dealing with one of Youji's..."
"Watch it!" Youji said.
"This is your fault! You better do it or else," Ken said, with clinched fists.
"Or else what?" Aya asked with narrowed eyes.
"I'll call Sakura up and tell her you'll need some help around the flower shop this weekend," Ken threatened.
"Okay... okay... I like the girl, but she'll get in my way and flirt with me all weekend. You've got a deal, Hidaka," Aya capitulated with a sullen expression. "Now that you two extortionist are finished, I'll check on Omi."
Aya left their room and entered the next room cautiously. Omi's aim with the remote control was much better than Ken's. It smacked Aya in between the eyes.
"Aw... you little..." Aya started, but paused seeing venom in those normally happy-go-lucky eyes. "Fine! What do you want?"
"I feel so horrible I can't even sit up straight to type my paper. You have to do it for me!" Omi said, collapsing back on his bed as he slung an arm over his eyes.
"I don't know how you want your paper written," Aya said.
"Just follow the notes beside my computer. Please. please... please." Omi said.
"That's a lot of work," Aya said.
"I could call Ouka to come help you this weekend."
"No way! I've got it handled! I'll type your stinking paper! Just don't call that girl," Aya snapped. Omi lifted his head, rolled his eyes, and passed out. "Great! As if I don't have enough things to do."
Aya woke up Saturday morning in a foul mood. This was not going to be a fun day. He decided to open the shop and work in the morning. He'd leave it to Mamou in the afternoon for two hours while he took Ken's kids for ice cream.
He'd then run back to the shop, finish filling half the orders for Valentine's, and then close the shop. Next he would call Youji's girlfriend and spend two minutes breaking up with her. Afterwards, that would leave him plenty of time to finish Valentine's Day orders and he would have all Sunday to write Omi's paper. Not fun, but Aya was confident he would conquer this weekend.
He opened the shop aggravated to see lots of young men waiting at the gate. He remembered too late that Youji had put an ad in the paper along with several coupons. Aya's fingers twitched as he fantasized about wrapping them around Youji's throat on Monday morning.
"Hey! How much are these?" one of the young men shouted at Aya.
"5,000 yen," Aya said. The guy made a face.
"Can I have them for half that?" he asked. Aya took a deep breath and shook his head.
"Hey, Mister! Can you write this note for me? Make me look good," another young man demanded while he waved a pencil and note card in Aya's face. Three more young men yammered questions at him at the same time.
He felt a tension come to his shoulders as he started to wondered how much time in jail he would get for bringing his katana down to help him handle some of these customers.
"No, not worth it," he mumbled to himself as he snapped a pencil in two. He may not be able to murder customers, but he could at least teach Youji a lesson in advertising. A plan formed in his head as he quickly scribbled, 'Marry me, Miyako! Love, Youji' on a note card.
Aya sat in the ice cream parlor and made a mental note to check on how much a vasectomy would set him back. Ken always bragged on how good these kids were. Ha!
It started off innocuous enough. The children stared at him blankly for several minutes before following him. Then came the cascade of questions: Why do you have a girl's name?... Did you kill Mr. Ken?... Why do you work with flowers if you're not really a girl?... Why is your hair red?... Are you sure you weren't really trying to kill Mr. Ken with poison?... Can we go to the zoo instead of the ice cream shop?... Are sure Mr. Ken isn't dead?... Can you take us for a ride in your car after we get ice cream? (That one gave Aya shivers as he pictured grubby, little, chocolate-covered hands all over his leather seats) We really were going to the zoo, can we?... Do you have kids?... Why don't you have kids?... How old are you... you seem pretty old? Don't you have a wife?... Why don't you have a wife?
"Enough questions all ready!" Aya finally screamed at them in front of the ice cream parlor. They all had wide eyes full of tears now. Aya cursed his luck and hung his head.
"He really did kill Mr. Ken!" one of the children shouted. This triggered off a storm of hysterical, weeping from the children. Aya ground his teeth.
"I haven't killed him... yet," he whispered to himself. "Stop crying and I'll take you to the zoo!"
All the children turned bright, sunny faces up at him. He ushered them in for the ice cream not thinking ahead. It didn't dawned on him that sugar equaled hyper kids until half way through the treat when a food fight broke out.
"Stop it right now!" he shouted. An icy, sticky glob wacked the back of his head as wild giggling broke out.
"Zoo! Zoo! Zoo! Zooooo!" they chanted at Aya. Aya felt a twitch develop in his left eye as his nails dug into his palms. Ken was definitely going to have to pay for this.
"Hey, kids. After the zoo we're going to take a trip to Mr. Ken's room and do some finger painting. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Aya asked. The kids all squealed in delight as they followed Aya out of the ice cream parlor.
Aya's eyes burned with fatigue as he looked up at the shop clock. It read four in the morning. He had finally caught up on the last of the Valentine's Day orders. Tomorrow would be a new struggle.
The only flowers he had delivered were to Youji's girlfriend who kept screaming as if she had won a free trip around the world and a pile of money to blow on the trip. Aya chuckled to himself picturing Youji having to get out of that situation as he walked upstairs to the apartment.
He passed by Ken's room on the way to his own. He closed the door with a shiver. It was best not to look at Ken's demolished things. Aya still wondered how those kids managed to smear pizza on the ceiling. He chuckled again picturing Ken's face when he saw that pit.
Aya collapsed on his bed. The only thing he had to do was type Omi's paper tomorrow and wait on customers. He knew Omi would have everything outlined and would have thorough notes. The paper should be a breeze.
Another day of customer hell. Youji had advertised a 'Ladies' Sunday Sale Before Valentine's Day' that he had not told Aya about. This time women flooded the store and every single one of them wanted Aya's opinion about flowers for their men. They were willing to spend more money, but they were more exacting than the men.
Finally, he ushered the last woman out of the store and crawled back upstairs. He went to Omi's room figuring he had better get the paper over with. He turned on Omi's laptop and flipped through the white, three-ring binder on the desk. Neat, organized, and thorough. Just like he expected of Omi.
What he didn't expect was the loose note attached in the section labeled 'Battle of Sikegahara.' It read: 'Loaned notes to Ouka. remember to get them back for this weekend's paper.'
Aya's teeth gnashed together as he flipped to the syllabus to read the paper's requirements. It read: 'Paper is to be ten pages long. It is to be single spaced with five outside sources. Internet use is forbidden! Proper citation and citation page are required or it will be considered plagiarized. Each grammar mistake will count off five points.'
Aya closed the binder and shook his head. This was not fair. This wasn't even close to fair. Omi waited until the last minute and now he was stuck trying to transcribe notes that Ouka had across town. No, this wouldn't do. Omi needed a lesson on not waiting around until the weekend before Valentine's Day to do his homework.
Aya's eye spied a Dungeons and Dragons book on the self above Omi's desk. Perfect! Aya thumbed through the book as a wicked grin crossed his face. He had never tried his hand at creative writing, but this should be fun.
He started typing: 'The Battle of Sekigahara was fought by Tokugawa Ieyasu in the year of 1600. It established the Tokugawa rule by 1603. Ieyasu could not have accomplished such a task without first gaining the Rod of Lordly Might from the Orc King, Mgunk the Strong.'
Aya sporadically burst out with maniacal laugher as he furiously type all night long. Revenge and stress spurred his mind from sleep deprivation to greater creativity. He especially enjoyed his addition of a small army of centaurs that rebelled against Ieyasu during his quest for the Eye of Vecna.
"I'm sure glad to be out of the hospital," Youji said with a stretch. "I feel pretty good."
"Yeah, me too," Ken said with a smile. "Hey, I wonder why Aya was in such a hurry to go meet with Birman this morning? That was strange. He just dropped us off and drove down the street like a madman."
"Well let's get inside. You two have a ton of Valentine's Day deliveries and I've got to go to school. Aya said my paper was in my backpack with my school notes. Wasn't that nice of him to get my school work together?"
"Strange, if you ask me. Did you hear that he also took my kids to the zoo and ice cream? That seemed very bizarre," Ken said.
"He said he gave my ex-girlfriend flowers so she wouldn't take it so hard," Youji said. "Maybe he's nicer than we give him credit for? What worries me was that twitch in his left eye and those little outburst of creepy giggling like he was Dracula's Renfield or something. Maybe he did work too hard this weekend?"
"Yeah. We should thank him profusely for helping us this weekend. We were kind of hard on him about the food poisoning," Omi said.
"You're right. My kids can be handful sometimes," Ken said. Youji got the key to their apartment. They walked in to a nice, clean living room with a plate of fruit waiting for them along with coffee. The three of them chatted for a few minutes before Omi grabbed his backpack and ran off for school. Ken and Youji headed to their rooms to change for the day.
"Oh my! No! No! No! No!" Ken screamed. Youji ran into Ken's room and let out a yelp of disbelief. The walls were one large incoherent mural of loud, neon colors. His chest of draws had all been ransacked along with his closet.
There was a stack of pizza boxes and soda cans in the middle of the floor with his clothes piled around the mess. Pepperonis started to plop down from the ceiling. Ken walked over to his bed to see it was now trashed beyond repair. The mattress was torn, the box spring was crushed, and the legs of the bed-frame were broken off at ninety degree angles.
"How on earth did this happen?" Youji asked in disbelief. Ken just stumbled through the litter in shell-shock.
"My room?" Ken whispered.
"Come on. We'll ask Aya when he gets back," Youji said, pulling Ken to the flower shop. Ken stood in the middle of the shop with his jaw hanging open as Youji pushed the gate open.
"Ahhh," Youji screamed, seeing Miyako holding up two wedding dresses.
"Which one do you like, sweety?" she asked, leaning forward for a kiss. Youji jumped back as his blood pressure hit the roof.
"What on earth do you mean which one do I like?" Youji asked. He dodged around a counter as Miyako stalked forward.
"I want a June wedding. Lots of flowers, of course. I was think three hundred guests with the reception at the Blue Moon Lounge," she said.
"What? Wedding? Me? No way, sister! Back off with that kind of talk," Youji shouted, jumping up on the counter. He grabbed up a water spray bottle and aimed it at the girl. "I'm not afraid to use this!"
"But you had that co-worker deliver flowers to me with this note," she screeched. Her face grew ugly with a scowl. She waved a card under Youji's nose. He read it and his stomach felt sick all over again. He re-read; this time anger flooded his mind as he realized it was Aya's handwriting on the card.
"That isn't me. You've been tricked, because I was going to break up with you this weekend," Youji said, holding the spray bottle defensively. The young woman launched herself at Youji with a loud growl. She punched, kicked, and scratched him unmercifully until Ken came around and plucked her off of Youji.
Ken avoided the woman's outstretched talons and slammed the gate shut. He looked over to Youji who's face was starting to purple.
"Why did that jerk do this to me?" Youji screamed. "He knows I'm allergic to the W-word!"
"Women?" Ken asked.
"Weddings," Youji said. The phone rang and Ken picked up the receiver.
"Hello, this is..."
"I know who this is!" a woman snarled over the receiver.
"Mrs Yamaguci? How's Akira?" Ken asked, smiling. He was especially proud of his star goalie.
"He's still jittery from all that soda your fill-in let him have! I though you didn't believe in sodas and pizza for our kids! You told me you would give my child wholesome food. The paint still hasn't come out of his hair either! Didn't you properly check this Aya Fujimiya person out before putting him in charge of my child?" the woman screamed at Ken. He now held the receiver out arms length.
"Um... umm... I'm so sorry, Mrs Yamaguci. Please forgive me! It won't happen again. Wait! Paint, pizza, and sodas you said?" Ken asked.
"Yes!" she snapped.
"Let me call you back," Ken blurted out. He hung up the phone and turned to Youji. He was tending the claw marks across his left cheek. "It looks like Aya also engineered that mess upstairs that used to be my bedroom!"
"What? What's got into him? He all of the sudden turned evil while we were gone. It was all his fault any way," Youji said while his expression grew hostile. "We've got a lot of deliveries to make. We'll meet back here after lunch and talk about Mr. Fujimiya."
"Sounds good to me," Ken said, punching his fist into an open palm.
"Omi Tskiyono! Come to my office right now," the principal, Mr. Katigari, said after he burst in to Omi's math class. Mr. Katigari, who he got along with very well, gave him a glare of disapproval. He began to sweat when they reached the man's office where Omi's history teacher, Mr. Tabata, waited with an equally nasty look.
"Is this your idea of some sick joke?" Mr. Tabata asked, waving around the paper Omi handed in an hour ago. The paper Aya had written.
"I'm sorry, sir. Was the grammar and everything okay?" Omi asked unsure if Aya's writing was up to Mr. Tabata's particular standards.
"The grammar was flawless. It was the most beautify written paper I've seen, but let me read to you my favorite excerpt . 'Tokugawa Ieyasu then found himself at odds with the Daimyo. To wrest power from the elder nobles he relied on his Headdress of Rathemm. It's origins are rumored to be Cthulhu in nature, however, its sinister power was channeled successfully by Ieyasu.' My other personal favorite was the part about the centaur uprising!" Mr. Tabata screamed and tossed the paper on the principal's desk. Omi felt the blood rush from his head as he fell backwards into a chair.
"Oh no, Mr. Tabata. I like the part about harnessing the power of the Martian death ray in order to defeat the manticore invasions of 1634," Mr. Katigari said with a glower at Omi. The man sat behind his desk, cleared his throat, and looked over the top of his glasses at Omi. "So do you care to explain this wonderful piece of creative writing you managed to produce for Mr. Tabata?"
"Not really," Omi said sinking down as low in his chair as he could get.
"Oh that son of a..." Omi shouted and then kicked a flower pot across the store.
"Woah, kid. What's eating you?" Youji asked as he walked into the store. Omi jumped back when he saw Youji's face.
"Did you get mugged or something?" Omi asked. Youji just sighed and shook his head. He was about to speak when Ken ran in with his cell phone held out arms length while angry rumblings came from the receiver.
"I'm so sorry, Mr Kuragawa. He didn't know Ako was allergic to peanuts. Yes, I know he's allergic, but I forgot to tell Aya. I'm so, so, so sorry. I promise this will never happen again," Ken apologized and hit the off switch on his phone.
He slumped in a chair by the flower shop's door and shook his head. "It's official! Aya managed to get every parent of my soccer team pissed off at me. My phone rang off the hook while I delivered all that Valentine's Day garbage!"
"Yeah, well that Miyako followed me around all morning! She kept harassing every female customer and hurling things at me! Darn that girl! I finally had to call the police on her," Youji groused. "And all because of Aya!"
"Yeah well look at what he did to my paper," Omi shouted and flung it to Youji and Ken. They started reading. It wasn't long before they were rolling on the floor, red-faced and unable to breath.
"Wow, Omi! The Martian death ray was a wonderful touch," Ken teased.
"I want one of those Rods of Lordly Might," Youji said and then started laughing all over again. "I can't even finish the joke!" Youji finally gasp stilling his laughter. Omi kicked Youji in the shin with a growl.
"I'm glad you think it's so fun! I'm suspended until Wednesday. Now I have to write two papers to make up for this one! I want to kill that Aya!" Omi shouted, tearing the paper in two.
"Okay, Aya is the one who really screwed us over this weekend. We're going to have to teach him a lesson in respect," Youji said.
"I think we should just kick his butt," Ken said.
"No, too easy. We need a plan," Youji said. "He really needs a taste of his own medicine."
"...and then those kids drove me crazy! I don't see how you take all the questions. And as for you Omi! Next time you want me to write something, leave notes," Aya said, glaring around the table. Aya had shown up that evening in time for dinner. Youji, Ken, and Omi sat around the dinner table and asked him about how the weekend went. Aya unleashed his frustration on his three teammates.
"I'm so sorry, Aya. I forgot about the notes. It was my fault," Omi said. "More tea?"
"Yeah, more tea!" Aya demanded and held out his mug. Omi poured and sat back down.
"Get enough to eat, Aya?" Ken asked.
"Yeah, I'm stuffed!" Aya said. He itched his face that started to burn. "Oh man... my throat... I don't feel so well."
"Don't feel so well? It's a little something I like to cook with called peanut oil that we found out you happen to be allergic to," Youji said, tossing a bottle up in the air. He grinned as Aya bolted up and ran to the kitchen garbage can.
"Wow! That really worked," Omi said.
"Did you see his face?" Ken said, with a crinkled nose. "Lets get him to the doctor."
"I hate you all," Aya growled at his three teammates that stood at the foot of his hospital bed.
"Awwhhh... you needed a nice rest. We think you were taking life a little too seriously," Youji said with a wide grin.
"Hey, Aya. I brought over some people who would love to spend some time with you," Ken said. He went to the door of Aya's hospital room and waved in his soccer playing kids. They all filed in wearing cute, little samurai costumes. "You see, Omi had a great idea of having my kids do a dramatic reading of the paper you wrote for his history class. We couldn't get a Martian death ray in time, but I'm sure you'll enjoy it. This is all for you, Aya!"
"The Battle of Sekigahara, written by Aya Fujimiya. Produced by Youji Kudou. Directed by Ken Hidaka. Costumes by Omi Tsykiyono," one of the children announced after planting himself beside Aya's bed.
"No!" Aya screamed, trying to scramble off his bed. Youji shoved him back down.
"You stay or we give them soda and unleash them in your bedroom," Youji threaten. Aya glared, but flopped back on his pillow.
"You wouldn't want to miss the play version of the paper that got me suspended for two days, now would you?" Omi asked. An evil gleam flashed in those wide blue, eyes.
The children fumbled through the ridiculous story Aya had manufacture. He grew more and more embarrassed as the horrible plot unfolded. He started to wonder if had been drunk when writing the paper. Dungeons and Dragons? H.P. Lovecraft? War of the Worlds? Yes, somehow he had consumed alcohol and not been aware.
"Who's ready for lunch," a woman's voice called out from the doorway. Aya cringed when he saw Youji's now ex-girlfriend stand there in a nurses uniform.
"Aren't you going to run for it," Aya asked Youji. The blond playboy shrugged and leaned next to Aya as the children re-enacted the centaur uprising.
"See, I explained to her how you were the one playing around with getting married. Guess what. Women don't like that. Guess what else. She happens to be your nurse. Strange coincidence, hun?" Youji asked.
"You kids and visitors better leave," Miyako announced. "It's time for Mr. Fujimiya's enema!"
"What! I don't need that!" Aya shouted.
"I know," Nurse Miyako said and started chuckling as Ken, Omi, and Youji hustled the children out. Ken slammed the door and sent the children down the hallway.
"Do you think we went to far?" Omi asked, looking back at the door to Aya's hospital room. A piercing scream emanated from the room, causing the three Weiss assassins to flinch.
"No," Youji and Ken answered in unison.