Chapter 13

Monday, November 9

9:28 am

Our school blew up.

The funny part is I'm not even joking.

We can only thank one person for this gift from baby Jesus: Shane.

Last night he got high and broke into the school and then used all of the chemicals in the chemistry lab and lit them all on fire. AND BAM. The school exploded and was blown into smithereens. (Don't worry, Shane is fine except for the second degree burns all over his body.)

Shane is officially my new hero. NO SCHOOL!

10:36 am

My eye is burning. I was chewing minty gum and I wrapped it around my finger and then put it back in my mouth. Then my eye was hurting because an eyelash was curling into my eyeball so I tried to get it out but got minty-ness in my eye and now it hurts. Sad panda.

12:15 pm

Went to the store because I was really bored. I bought a Rolling Stone magazine. Too bad so sad for me, it was the one with those Jonas Brothers on it. I was looking though it in disgust and then saw the sexiest poster ever of Nick Jonas.

Holy God.

That picture of him where he's laying on the floor and it's in black and white and he has this really serious look on his face… OH MY GOD. I pretty much jizzed myself. I hung it up on my wall right above my trashcan.

12:43 pm

Found out that Girl Scouts are selling their meth – I mean, cookies – outside of Target. I decided to go get some.

I ended up buying all of their boxes. And when I say all of them, I mean all of the boxes that were in the back of all three soccer mum's cars.

Can't wait to eat them all tonight!

1:38 pm

I cannot believe this.

I went into Target to get some milk and somebody broke into my car AND STOLE HALF OF MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

I know that losing half of my stash is tragic and all, but what MORONS. I had ten thousand dollars lying on the passenger seat and it's all still there. Only the cookies are missing. What the fuck.

4:51 pm

Becca is so happy she's getting paid for not working. She was just jumping on the trampoline and she HATES FUN.

4:56 pm

I'm so sad. I really really miss Miley. Really bad. I'm crying.

5:05 pm

Mummy walked in on me crying. She said, "Don't be sad, little one. Don't be sad. I'll make you something yummy!"

She came back about two minutes later with a bagel. It was gross so I threw it in the trash, only I missed and it hit the Nick Jonas poster in the face. It was hysterical because he has this extremely serious face on and I just got cream cheese all over it. Just think about it. Hysterical.

I couldn't control myself. I laughed so hard that I fell off of my bed and rolled all over some cookies I dropped earlier, smashing them into the carpet.

5:17 pm

Going to jump on the trampoline with Becca!

5:34 pm

Becca and I ate two boxes of cookies and had five sodas and then jumped on the trampoline. It was so much fun! I'm so hyper!

I also rolled around in a patch of mud. It was super fun!

Yummy yummy cookies!

8:20 pm

Sick.

Becca made me take a bath because I was covered in mud. I turned on the jets and then threw up in her bathtub. It was excessively nasty.

I just kinda sat there and then started crying. Becca ran in the room because she heard me crying and she made me take a shower so I could get the vomit off of myself.

Now I feel horrible and I'm shivering in Becca's bed. She's making me tea.

Wait why am I shivering…?

9:37 pm

I want some popcorn.

10:26 pm

Dad\Alex\Sasha has decided that we need to take a family vacation to Norway because we have a break due to the fact that there's no school. Legitimately no school. Haha.

Tuesday, November 10

6:30 am

Still awake. Haven't slept yet. I was up all night with Becca because I don't feel well. Sad face sad face sad face.

Where is my panda?

6:54 am

Just hysterically laughed at The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. I must be sicker than I thought.

8:03 am

Wiped a baby wipe on my mirror because it was dusty. Now it has a giant streak on it. Fucckkkk.

2:57 pm

Slept all day. It felt amazing. I drooled all over Becca's pillow. Hah hahhity hah hah hah.

Five seconds later

Hah.

4:32 pm

Nick Jonas just called me.

I was sleeping and then my phone started screaming out the song "Bedrock" so I answered it groggily.

"Hello?" I mumbled confused after looking at the caller ID.

"Natalie?" Nick asks.

"What the fuck?"

"Oh, I must have called the wrong number. I'm sorry."

"You woke me up."

"Huh?"

"YOU WOKE ME UP, FAGGOT."

"I said sorry-"

"IF YOU EVER WAKE ME UP AGAIN, I'M GOING TO FIND WHERE YOU LIVE, BREAK INTO YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW, AND TAKE ONE OF YOUR STUPID FUCKING GOLF CLUBS AND BEAT THE DIABETES OUT OF YOU, YOU GOT THAT?"

He hung up.

5:03 pm

Dinner

Alex bought us plane tickets to Norway for tomorrow. What's even in Norway anyway?

I bet there's a lot of fucking shit there.

I'm tired.

5:20 pm

Ohmygod Sasha's trying to be my friend.

He barges into my room while I'm putting on my jimjams and asks, "What ees… a twatter?"

I stare at him. "A twatter?"

"Jah."

"A vagina?"

"No, no, thees," and he hands me his laptop. At first I thought it was going to be a website full of vaginas, which then I would vomit all over his face, but it was just Twitter.

"That's Twitter," I tell him. "It's not a vagina."

"Tweeter?"

"No. Twitter. With an 'I.'"

Then for the next five minutes he attempted to say "Twitter" correctly and I pushed him out of my room and slammed the door.

8:11 pm

Mum and I are talking about the good ol' days. With Pierre the cat and the PPA's and when she turned into the Hulk and broke one of our trees.

God I miss those days. I miss them a lot. Now life sucks. I want to die.

Wednesday, November 11

4:15 am

Holy God. Holy shit. Holy fucksicles on ice, how am I breathing right now? It's four in the morning and I just got woken up to go to the airport. I think I just had a stroke.

7:11 am

Our flight is at 7:15. Mum is in the middle of the terminal screaming, "I'M NOT GOING ON A PUBLIC PLANE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! THERE ARE MEXICANS ON THOSE PLANES! DIRTY, GREASY, FAT, UGLY MEXICANS. AND POOR PEOPLE. I HATE POOR PEOPLE! I WILL NOT LOWER MY STANDARD OF LIVING, ALEX, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, YOU CANT'!"

Sasha is calmly trying to make her stop yelling because people are staring. Becca is hiding her face in her jacket. Jason is hitting his head on the wall. Shane is tripping out, talking to a poster of Texas he bought. Mitchie is rubbing her tits. I'm babysitting Autumn.

Why does this always happen to me?

7:18 am

We made it on the plane. Mum, however, is not with us. She got on the plane, sat down, and then saw a "poor greasy nasty gypsy hooker woman" and yelled, "See you later, faggots!" and dashed off the plane.

She's getting a private jet to take her at noon.

God I love my mum.

3:21 pm

Autumn has been crying for the past two and a half hours. I've been trying to sleep because I feel like the Grim Reaper himself has summoned me to die on this plane. I have a migraine. I want to go home. I hate my life. Please please kill me. Please.

4:49 pm

Now I am crying. And it's not helping with the headache situation.

5:25 pm

GET ME OFF OF THIS PLANE.

8:18 pm

Almost fell asleep but then I caught myself snoring and woke myself up. How un-sexy of me.

Land of the confused

What time is it?

We just landed. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what my name is. I don't know which way is down or which way is up. I feel like I'm lost in my own mind. Am I really alive?

Later

I am a cat.

What takes people so long to get off of a fucking airplane?

At Sasha's reindeer farm. Yes, you heard me correctly, a reindeer farm.

Who the fuck owns reindeer? (Besides Santa, of course. Maybe he lives in Norway?)

Today was the biggest waste of a day in the history of my life. Becca had to give me sleeping pills so I would sleep and then I passed out within two minutes. It was the best sleep of my life. I was so exhausted when she woke me up that I fell asleep again and she had to carry me off of the plane. Which must have been a bitch seeing as she also had to take my bags and her bags and stuff.

Wow, she's such a good sister. Awwww. Smiley face.

I faintly remember waking up while we were waiting for our big suitcases we checked. Becca had put me on the floor like I was a dog or something. But at least she put her puffy coat down where she set me so I wasn't touching cold, poor people floor.

Mitchie and Shane took Autumn and ran off after announcing that they were going to "fuck some Norwegian shit up."

Alex had no idea what they said, so he just said "Jah! Phone me when you try find house, jah?"

Becca laughed.

I smiled but then tried not to because if they knew I was awake they would make me walk. Which I was not doing.

After Sasha accidently hit me in the face with his suitcase, I screamed "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!" and then Becca no longer carried me. I had the walk the rest of the time we were there. Which was the longest hour of my life.

They lost one of my bags. Then we were waiting outside in the freezing cold for the limo to come pick us up, but it never showed up. Once I lost all feeling in my fingers and toes, Sasha bitched to some people and we pretty much hitch hiked to his house.

I've never felt more like a peasant in my life. I felt like my rich-osity was ripped out of me and I had become a poor farmer or some shit. It was awful. I was cold and I was tired and I was wet and I was stressed. And I was POOR.