Chapter 1

January 23, 2017

4:55 pm

I really really didn't think I'd ever write in this stupid fucking diary ever again. But I guess that's just the beauty of being nostalgic.

It took me over four hours to read over every single page of this novel I wrote about my life. The trips down memory lane were definitely worth it… damn I was such a twat back then.

Nine years have passed since I have picked this diary up and believe me when I say the world is not the same anymore… I mean, maybe a little bit since I'm still terrified of going to the dentist and Jason is still the world's biggest asshole, but a lot has changed. And I mean A LOT.

We are cleaning out my parent's house. Not because they are dead or anything crazy like that but because my parents lost their millions and are moving into an "affordable" apartment like a bunch of illegal immigrants.

I guess I should give an update on the fam:

While we're not entirely sure if they are alive or not, Shane and Mitchie are supposedly living on the streets of Boulder, Colorado pan-handling for spare change and marijuana. Five years ago Child Protective Services took their daughter away and put her into the foster care system. We haven't heard from any of them since.

My birth mother and father are back together again, living together (semi peacefully). Gene Simmons is a thing of the past, but I will never forget his long and oddly erotic tongue.

Becca and Alex decided to become an item after my mother divorced him and are now living out the world's longest engagement – Seven years and counting. I currently live with them in a two-bedroom apartment downtown, about ten minutes away from school. And no, we don't live in Norway anymore. That shit lasted about 2 seconds. As legend has it, my mother stepped on a pile of reindeer shit which ruined her pearl-covered Chanel pumps and bought us all one-way first-class tickets back to Dallas.


Sorry… had to clean that up… Anyway, where was I?

Oh right – Jason. Jason now owns a chain of orthodontic offices across the country. He is (unfortunately, since he sucks shit) the most accomplished and well-respected member of our family now. Little shit couldn't even be bothered to come get his crap from my parent's house. "I have a meeting with the CEO of Dentsply, the world's leading seller of-" YEAH, WHATEVER YOU PILE OF GARBAGE.

Not sure if I'm missing anyone important or not but I guess we will just have to figure that out later because now I need to go outside and have an asthma attack because all of this dust is causing my bronchioles to spasm.

5:26 pm

Holy shit. I was cleaning out my closet and started packing up some old sweaters. As I was folding one up, a giant, white, petrified dog shit came flying out and landed right on my foot.

But this was no ordinary giant, white, petrified dog shit – This was from Miley!

Not gonna lie, I cried for about 30 minutes.

Still can't believe I shot my dog.

She was a slut.

5:30 pm

Do you think she intentionally hid this poop inside my sweater because she knew that one day I would find it and remember her? Or nah.

5:31 pm

Doubt it. Bitch was as dumb as a doornail.

9:03 pm

After six long hours of packing boxes and listening to my mom scream "STOP REARRANGING MY GARBAGE!" every time I moved anything, we are finally home.

My dog is being extremely needy as I try to journal my thoughts. We adopted her about a week ago from a shelter. She is an off-brand German Shepherd named Snickerdoodle. She came from an abusive family and has no teeth and she has a lot of unresolved abandonment issues.

I wonder if dog therapy is a thing…

11:23 pm

I go to sleep now, after kissing my Donald Trump poster goodnight.

God bless America and God bless the president of the United States.

11:24 pm

PS – I'm a hard-core Republican now.

January 24, 2017

9:02 am

Do you know how hard it is to get ready for school when you have a 50-pound dog following you around, whimpering and barking and crying because she needs more attention? Really fucking hard.

I love Snickerdoodle, but she seriously needs to get a life. I mean seriously. This bitch follows me around the house all day, whines, and is always trying to make me pet her. The other day I had to take a shit with her sitting on my lap because she refused to be alone for five goddamn minutes.

10:06 am

Oh God, oh no… the worst thing has just happened.

There I was, casually stalking one of my professors on Facebook when BAM! I accidentally liked something from four years ago… Oops.

10:11 am

It doesn't matter how old you are, it doesn't matter what college you go to – The fact of the matter is SCHOOL SUCKS SHIT.

Nine years later and I'm still sitting in the lecture hall writing in my dumb diary because the second the lecture starts, my ADHD kicks in and I can't focus. I just don't care. I am so done with caring about school and my GPA. I am DONE. I've got one semester left of school until I am done for good and then I am never stepping foot in this prison ever again in my entire life. I don't even want to get a job at this point because I am just so sick of doing things.

My ideal job would be to be a homemaker. I want to marry rich and sit at home on my ass all day and watch Netflix. But noooo, I had to go get a degree like a fucking poor person and now I plan on "working for a living". Ugh.

6:22 pm

What a shitty day.

First, I couldn't keep my eyes open in local anesthesia class because our retarded 90-year-old professor can't figure out technology and lectured for the entire two hour class with the lights completely off. I fell into NREM1 sleep about 200 times. That's the phase of sleep where you feel like you're falling. So basically I felt myself falling about 200 times while some wrinkly liver-spotted jackass rambled on in monotone about epinephrine dosing. "How many carpules of Lidocaine can you give a 50 kg patient with 1:100,000 epi?" BITCH I DON'T CARE. (Also, I am totally failing this midterm tomorrow.)

Second, while doing a crown prep on #19, my stupid-ass bitch assistant managed to suck up all of my burs with the high-speed suction and then I had to go BUY A NEW BUR BLOCK BECAUSE THIS DUMB BITCH CAN'T FUCKING CONTROL HER GODDAMN LIFE. I mean COME ON. Who does that?!

Oh, by the way I'm in my last year of dental school…. Yeah…. I know what you're thinking, and believe me, I have no idea why I decided to do this either…

Third, this dumb slut in my class named Katherine (Or maybe it's Kourtney? Either way, I don't give a shit) started harassing me because I didn't sell enough toothbrushes for this stupid fucking class fundraiser bullshit. Get this – She wants me to pay a THIRTY DOLLAR FINE. Oh, hellllll nooooo.


7:36 pm

I like to destress from a rough day by sitting in the bathtub and plucking out my leg hair with a tweezer. Don't ask me why, but it is extremely relaxing.