The Terror of Haruhi Suzumiya and Ranma Saotome

Chapter 2 - School is the perfect place for chaos

The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi was written by Tanigawa Nagaru and published as an anime by Kyoto Animation.

Ranma was written by Takahashi Rumiko and published as an anime by Kitty Films - Fuji TV and Viz Communications, Inc.

They own their own characters and other such trademarks, only Characters that I make are owned by me.

Author Note: Jusenikusa means roughly Land of Thousand Fights. This Fic will be done in first person from Kyon's POV


Another mid winter day came and things still seem to be on the windup for the clockwork shoe to drop. Of course the other shoe already dropped, I am now just waiting for its mate. As it turned out most of the girls at the school apparently didn't consider the fact that Ranma was engaged to Haruhi to mean he was off limits. In fact it appeared to only spurn them on more, only Ranma's innate cluelessness saved him from the worst of Haruhi's wrath.

There had been several attempts in the last few days to get Ranma to agree to a date, but none, not even Haruhi, to her chagrin, was successful. From what I saw it wasn't that he actually didn't notice girls, it just seemed that he was either smart enough to avoid them, or thought they were all Sirens of legends, just waiting to send him to his doom; possibly both. Either way Ranma was not the only new super student of apparent recent appearance.

As per usual the boy's gym class finished early and we were watching the girls as their class finished. Well I was more on the lookout for projectile clockwork shoes, Taniguchi and Kunikida were watching the girls. Although I did look more then I would ever admit to doing.

"There she is again," came from Kunikida.

Taniguchi replied, "Wow! Definitely an 'AA' body!"

The girl that the hormone poster boys were referring to was a short red head. She showed up a few days after Ranma had, but so far only seemed to be a name on paper as it were. The only class she seemed to attend was the girl's PE. When I thought about it I also realized I never saw Ranma in PE. At the time it was not that obvious, at least at first, it was one of many things that made sense only long after the fact.

Kunikida looked at his partner in perverted research and asked, "Did you get her name?"

Taniguchi answered without taking his eyes off the red head, "Ranko, that is what the other girls call her, but the office won't say anything regarding her."

There was a moment of silence, it was like music with the girls laughing and swimming in their one piece swimsuits. Of course with it being mid winter we were at an indoor pool, however, this class was more of a one time event since we were off campus to take it.

Kunikida thought more then we did, I tried not too, I was sure I had seen the robed visage of death laughing and pointing at me earlier that day, but Kunikida decided to push his luck. Fortunately I kept any sign of my luck tightly hidden away so that fate sees no temptation from me. Haruhi was bad enough normally and I was afraid she might lose her focus on Ranma, my good luck that he appeared kept her nicely distracted. At the time I had thought it was better Ranma them me.

At that moment I saw 'Ranko' shiver then turn and look directly at me, and between the reflected light on the water, her pale completion, and her glare; I almost was positive I was looking at death herself. If she was death, then death was cute, and perhaps dying wouldn't be such a horrible fate. However, I am no lemming to be drawn in to pack suicide mentality and run towards that particular cliff.

Kunikida then spoke up after Ranko looked away, "That was some look..."

Taniguchi replied, "Ya! Kyon, what did you do to her?"

I had no answer so we descended into another pregnant pause.

Kunikida then looked at Taniguchi and went to ask, "You realize that you..."

Taniguchi interrupted, "Yes, forget I said anything. Kyon couldn't upset a girl that bad if he set his mind to it. Not since meeting Haruhi anyway."

Oh sure, I bet they enjoyed that, mocking me to the side of my face. Probably forgot that is where ears are found.

Kunikida continued, "Anyway, I think she is getting home schooled, it is the only thing I can think of," he paused a moment before continuing, "the girls I asked don't seem to know either. They mentioned an odd behavior but wouldn't go into details beyond saying she is very shy. She also joined several teams, but it seemed more like she was assigned to them, at least that is what I heard."

I looked at Ranko, and the way she was interacting with the other girls in the water. She didn't seem shy, nor did she seem outgoing. She seemed to be just trying to blend in, and she was doing a good job of it too.

Taniguchi more stated then asked, "Shy? Her? She doesn't seem the shy type to me, what about you guys." we both shook our heads. There was no sign of that girl being shy.

Then he whistle blew and she seemed to teleport into the changing room. That made us all wonder, first how she moved so fast, and second, why?


After we all got changed and exited the building to board the bus back to the school we had found out that Ranko took off already, and yet there was something odd about the situation. 'Where did she go?' I wondered. Although I would not have voiced it aloud for fear of summoning more problems, it did seem odd that she would appear and disappear just for a single class.

Then I saw what was becoming a common occurrence, I saw Haruhi with a glint in her eye that reminded me of every stunt she ever pulled before. It was like a train wreck, you just had to look, and once you saw it you could not look away. Perhaps it was her smile that accompanied it, perhaps I was just a sucker for happy girls perhaps she was a snake hypnotizing me to make me easier to manipulate. Anyway you look at it, I still usually get stuck footing the bill, good bye new music CD.

"Hey Kyon!" came the call from Haruhi. "Did yo notice that new girl? Another mysterious transfer student, one that only attends a single class and sporting events. I bet she has some secret that is just waiting to be revealed. Remember to be at the club meeting after school, we have a mystery to uncover!"

She had come and gone without waiting for a reply, not unusual for Haruhi, fairly par for the course really. As I watched Haruhi disappear off into the bus, I was passed by Ranma, oddly he seemed worried and groaned as he boarded the bus.


At the end of school that day I found myself in the club room, while this was not unusual, Haruhi and Ranma were noticeably absent. If I were some deranged suitor, I might have hunted them down and attacked Ranma for his sneaky methods to keep me away from Haruhi. Seeing that I am not deranged nor a suitor for Haruhi I find myself enjoying their absence. Of course the other club member's origins outwardly appear to infringe on my sanity, I can only take such things in stride. Perhaps they are out on a date, or would that be, Haruhi dragged Ranma out on a date with her. My musings were cut short by Haruhi pulling Ranma in by the pigtail, he was facing the other direction and his feet were dragging across the floor. Poor guy, probably made it as far as the front door if it took this long for her to get him here.

After Haruhi had dragged Ranma into the room completely she locked the door behind them. She then spun on her heal and had her, cheerful, smiling, I am going to bring down another form of supernatural event, smile declared, "We have a new mystery to solve. And that is who is Ranko!"

So Haruhi wants us to stalk a cute girl, just because we don't know who she is. My mind raced with worst case scenarios, then I remembered my dream from last night. I looked at Ranma fidgeting as Haruhi ranted about ways to find out who this girl is, I remembered what "Ranko" looked like, I remembered Ranma looked like her in my dream.

After a moment's contemplation I came to two realization, first I was developing precognition, out of simple need for survival, and second, I was going to get a major headache soon. Either that or someone is now messing with me in my sleep, as if that didn't happen enough when I was awake.

Haruhi then turned towards me and announced, "Kyon and Ranma you both go check apartments in the area looking for any sign of her."

I nodded, now I knew fate was mocking me. I was walking into a gladiatorial arena, Haruhi on one side, berserk martial artists on the other. The proverbial rock and a hard place, or was that high school girl and tentacle monster. Actually if the girl was Haruhi, I would pity the poor monster.

Ranma and I left immediately and headed towards down town, we traveled into town near Ranma's apartment and inquired about the girl Ranko. Of course nobody answered our questions, if we were cute school girls they might have, figuring we were tracking down a school friend, if we were looking for a guy, they might have as well, but given the fact we were guys tracking down a girl we must have seemed like we were stalking her. Well in a way we were, or rather 'I' was given what I suspected was true.

Of course there was only one way to prove it, and I decided to test my theory, "How was gym today Ranko?"

When Ranma immediately stopped walking, I noticed a second later and stopped as well. "I do not plan on telling Haruhi if you are wondering. However I do find it odd, after all you look so different." Ranma continued walking and I stayed beside him.

After a minute of silence he seemed to decide something, "Lets go to my apartment, I will explain there."

After we arrived at his apartment he closed and locked the door, and lowered the blinds. I got concerned as he didn't look too happy. I felt like I was in that gaijin movie "Godfather." It was a movie I enjoyed, but seeing how Ranma was acting I felt like I was about to find the deep end was bigger then I thought.

Over the next few hours I learned about his curse, and about the trouble to come. It was also explained to me that the principal of our school was apparently related to his last principal and insisted that he must attend gym as a girl. Although I said nothing to Ranma on the matter I can understand why. As good as our boy's teams are, they would not benefit from someone like Ranma much. Unfortunately for our girl's teams, well Haruhi was a good example, the girls that would make the teams shine simply were not interested.

After I learned about the curse and who Ranko was we decided to keep this from Haruhi. I told him that she was the type who actively seeks the unknown and would likely do something we all would regret.


Before class started the next day, I was blissfully enjoying the time at school before Haruhi arrived when I heard Taniguchi and Kunikida talking about a guy that Kunikida saw.

"I am telling you he smashed through a stone wall like it was made of thin and cheap wood."

Taniguchi shook his head in disbelief, "You mean like paper?"

Kunikida replied, "No, he had to smash through it with his fist, but still it was with the effort we would open a door with."

Taniguchi frowned for a moment, "What did he look like?"

Kunikida pulled out a photo, "Here, I managed to take this before he walked around a corner. I chased him hoping to get a better shot, but he disappeared."

Taniguchi took the photo and tried to place it but failed before shrugging and returning the photo.

Taking the picture back Kunikida returned it to a pocket in one of his books, "I do know one thing, he is the one that keeps yelling that he is going to kill Saotome."

I decided to add what little I could to this, "I had the misfortune to meet him."

The other two came to my desk like hungry sharks that smelled blood. Kunikida was the first take a bite to see how the prey tasted, "What happened?"

I shrugged, may as well tell them, "He attacked Ranma, and Ranma had to protect everyone nearby from him. He seemed to be a berserker, and he didn't even check to see if he was hurting anyone when he attacked. Beyond that Ranma called him P-chan." I was not about to tell them that Ranma saved me, I still had a little pride left.

Taniguchi gave me an incredulous look.

I waved him off and noticed Ranma walked in so I called out to him, "Yo Ranma! That guy that attacked us is called P-chan right?"

Ranma snickered at the name before answering, "Ya that was P-chan alright."

Obviously it was a nickname, and the other two seemed to take note of it as did the rest of the class.

After a few minutes everyone settled in and the teacher arrived. The class was 'World Geography' which was normally quite boring to many students. The teacher was one of the few teachers that seemed to be determined to ensure every student is properly educated had apparently decided to try something new and called upon Ranma to tell us about Jyusenkusa.

Ranma was reluctant to say the least but did agree after a little prodding, so he went to the front of the class then started, "Ok, first off I ain't going to tell everyone about some things, so if I sound vague on purpose, then it is because you don't need to know. I know you might be curious about that but there are some areas that are a secret for a reason. If you find out later, you might understand. But I do ask that any secrets you find out you tell no one about."

This got everyone's attention, but people are naturally curious, so this is like telling sharks not to eat that dieing and bleeding whale, they simply won't listen till they had their fill, and by then it doesn't matter.

Ranma continued on after a moment, "Okay, first off although I'm the 'Prince' or 'King' or whatever title I am suppose to go by this week, I am not in total control. I was basically chosen for the position by the local leaders."

Noticing the confused looks he realized with an obvious slump of his shoulders that he had to go into the history to be understood. He sighed and proceeded again with the lecture, "Over a nine hundred years ago the tribes in Jyusenkusa were independent of everyone and occasionally wared with each other. The leaders of China at the time tried to force them to be like everyone else in China and conform. They fought back and kept their independence. Now problem was that China could not recognize this officially because they would look weak. So they just claimed that everything is fine, and thought no more of it, hoping the problem would just go away. I suppose that is where things for the formation came into place. As time went on, things changed, people were born and died, and the truth of this place was lost. So the land went forgotten by everyone; except by those who lived in it and they kept the records securely."

Everyone was listening, but a few seemed to be tuning out the story. I noted that Ranma was more speaking from memory then an impromptu speech, almost like this was hammered into his head and not permitted to forget it. I refocused more as there was much that I was not told last night.

After a short pause Ranma continued, "Now, the current Chinese government was recently trying to reassert its control over its own land and finally remembered Jyusenkusa. They tried threatening the various tribes until they provided copies of the independence papers. China found some loop hole saying that the various tribes needed to be co-existing peacefully. The tribal leaders got together and decided they needed a figurehead to 'lead' them and make a united front. As it stood I dealt with the main three tribes current leaders and defeated them all in combat at one time or another."

Ranma smirked before progressing with the story, "The tribes are all warrior tribes, to them you are either a combatant, a healer, or a provider. Providers are people like blacksmiths, people who can make clothes, farmers, and the like, and recently there were a few people with more modern sciences, but there are only a few of those. Mostly because electricity is unneeded."

Before he continued someone interrupted, "So you don't have lights, man you guys are backwards."

Ranma smirked again, "First off, we don't need electricity for light, we have rocks that glow in the dark, and quite brightly too, not like that junk you get in stores, a small rock 'bout the size of my fist is brighter then a light bulb. Second, we have plants that can do that too, Heat is never really a problem either as we have tricks that can grow entire trees to large size in a day," Actually less, remembering what Pink, and Link could do, "So if we need a fire its easy to get materials. With that growing ability to grow fruit, vegetables, and berries we are never in short supply of them, we can raise lots of pigs, chickens, and animals like that easily. So meat and vegetables are never a problem. Our Healing techniques and medical herbs usage is so advanced that many doctors around the world are learning about what we know, on a limited basis for now. As such we only very rarely have anyone sick."

After a moment the smirk renewed itself, "So lets see we have no problems getting the basics, food, shelter, and warmth. We have plenty of light, and the most advanced medical techniques in the world and almost no crime at all. So its the rest of the world that is primitive in my opinion. But back to what I was saying, the third class is the Combatants, which technically include everyone, but is usually limited to the people who specialize in it. Now the tribes are usually run by the best warrior either strongest by battle or by most experience. It varies from tribe to tribe. However I have ties," He momentarily paused a moment as if debating something internally before he decided to continue, "ties that I am not going to say right now, that caused me to be chosen for convince." he seemed to rub his head while saying the last word, as if it reminded him to a hit to his head.

Pressing on he seemed to have shaken the feeling off and continued once more, "So the big story was that as their chosen leader they claimed to have united, China, or rather its government was not happy, but before they did anything the leaders asked for help from the Japanese government. Who decided to make their existence loud. As I was now known internationally and the fact that Jyusenkusa was independent by their own word, China was unable to do anything without causing a war with Japan. Korea would likely join in if only to weaken both, and I was told that the rest of the world might get drawn into it as it would be China trying to repress someone that they shouldn't be able to. So that is what you need to know before I tell you about the land."

I double checked on everyone and Ranma seemed to have more attention on him again. But as I reviewed his speech I noticed something, He never referred to his nation as his nation, it was always like some foreign nation that he was an expert on. This told me that although he was their figurehead he still saw himself as an outsider to the country. For some reason this bothered me. I pondered this for a few minutes barely listening to what he was saying. When I refocused he was talking about Amazons.

Ranma was now on more familiar territory, the Amazons, the Musk and the Phoenix, he already covered the other tribes and their land, now he was on the tribes and lands he knew, "The big three tribes are the Amazons, the Musk and the Phoenix. What I am about to tell you is important, first of all, the Amazons, that is what they call themselves, have for several centuries anyway; they are a female dominated culture. Actually it would be more correct to say that the roles that men and women play are opposite to the roles in Japan, mostly. But the important thing to know is to never knock one out in combat or otherwise." everyone looked confused as to why, "If you are the same gender it is considered a declaration of a personal war and an insult. Some are more understanding then others, but its better to not take any chance." Many people looked a little worried after he said that, but he pressed on, "Now if your gender is not the same its considered a marriage ceremony"

Taniguchi interrupted loudly, "Wait so if I accidentally knock out one of these Amazons then they have to marry me?"

Ranma groaned, "Only if their gender is not the same as yours. Either way you have until they wake up before its official. When they do they have to kiss your cheek, then they either declare they will hunt you down to the ends of the Earth to kill you, and before you think of running, they are all excellent trackers, and most know multiple languages to varying degree. So running after the kiss is pointless unless you are good at covering your tracks and hiding well. If they do not declare their intent to kill you, they will declared their acceptance of marriage."

Everyone nodded, including myself, I also promised myself to never stand around if I did ever see one cold clocked. However before I could continue my thoughts Ranma kept going, "Amazon lands are surrounded by trees that are cared for at a range from their village walls, this gives shelter, and supplies to the village, but there is also flat land that has been cleared, a fairly sizeable area too, so anybody that comes near can be seen. It has a few spiritual," I inserted cursed over the word spiritual, "locations. But over all their own holdings are nothing special. The Musk are nearly extinct to be blunt, there are only a few members left, but they are growing in number. One warning is that their culture is changing away from one that was male totalitarian, many are becoming respectful, but some don't even see women as human. They currently only have one village left, more of a small castle really, and as you can guess had more then a few fights with the Amazons over the years. To be honest though, they are fairly far from the Amazons and until recently the Amazons thought them myth... ironically."

Everyone shared a laugh at this even Ranma, "Now the last group, they are isolationist themselves but less so in recent times. Believe it or not the entire tribe has wings and can fly." I swear now that it was audible as every head turned to Haruhi. This was real a terror moment for me. In Ranma's story so far there was nothing that unusual, I didn't tell him about Haruhi and completely regretted now, he might have actually believed it and would have kept this quiet. I had told him that she was mystery obsessive but he must have hit the point with dealing with people like the Phoenix that it was not weird to him any more, or he did not realize how bad this was to expose Haruhi to. The next club meeting had promised to be interesting.


It was not until after school that I came to a new and welcome discovery: Haruhi could only focus on one thing at a time. I figured it must have come from her single minded desire to meet the abnormal. At that time I was not sure if Ranma got off lucky or not because Haruhi stopped asking about Ranko, and was off somewhere interrogating him. I warned Ranma at lunch that she would latch on to any strangeness or mystery and drain him for all he was worth. I only could have hoped that he would listen.

I had to hold my composure as I went to the club room. This was to be my downfall, I know that it was now in retrospect. I was technically free, Haruhi had Ranma and would drag him to the club, and, as it was I had no specific reason to go any more besides habit. It is truly funny, people do numerous stupid things to themselves in the name of habit. Some people smoke, some drink, some gamble but in the end many will call it a habit when they do it often. I on the other hand go to the club room because its habit.

When I entered the club room and saw their faces I had known it was not going to be good, I wished I could pull a Ranma and leap out the window to escape what as coming. Perhaps that was how he developed that skill. Now there was a thought, I could see it, a 14 year old Ranma being chased through a school avoiding girls trying to ask him out only to lose them by leaping out a window. No, That would never work, eventually one would fall out by mistake, Ranma would save her and then they would line up for it. I mentally shook my head and proceeded into the room, I had decided to face destiny as a man, boldly and fearlessly, strolling towards doom like an idiot.

After I had entered the room Nagato was the first to speak, this is unusual as in most cases we had to direct questions to her first, "The Integrated Data Entity has started scanning for more like Ranma, however, our results are limited due to proximity required. More time is needed."

I could only fear the thought of more of Ranma or worse, more of Haruhi, "Well, it's not like there is anything we can do now."

I was concerned with my own reaction, I was getting used to this, but what concerned me more was Koizumi and how he glanced at Mikuru. I knew she was from the future, and of course knew stuff that was to come, but from the look on her face I knew that something was wrong. I didn't want to burden her with my questions so I started with Koizumi, "You are worried."

It was blunt, but I was unable to recall ever seeing him that, well anything but almost passively happy. He always had that smile, and now he was actually looking worried. Now that I think of it I actually recalled him without that smile once, it was when he first told me about 'The Agency.'

He looked at me and tried plastering a fake smile, "I am sure it is nothing. However, I think you need to spend more time with Haruhi."

At this point I was beyond concerned, I was, well, I felt every emotion to some degree I am sure, "What are you saying? She has a fiancee, she is spending time with him, so I am sure that there is no reason for me to put myself between them."

I barely could hear it but I did when Mikuru murmured, "Ranma may not be what he appears, he might not stay involved with her."

To me she had sounded uncertain, almost, "In your future Ranma wasn't there!"

She looked worried and scared but managed a brief nod.

We all exchanged looks, well Nagato was impassive as usual, but then Koizumi, managed his usual smile and replied, "Well, even with an uncertain future, she still chose you."

I briefly wondered if P-chan was on to something, I certainly felt like screaming out to Ranma to prepare for his demise.

I looked at him and then Nagato interjected once again, "That remains correct, she did choose you, Ranma may be a new choice, or he may not. As there are so many unknowns present no action should be taken to alter the current situation."

I took this to mean that they wanted me to be the jealous rival for Haruhi's affections. With that I had decided then that Haruhi was indeed a goddess, and she was trying to attack my sanity through the Espers, Time Travelers, Aliens, and Unreal Martial Artists that she didn't really believe existed but was trying to prove it anyway. And she was using me to do it by having me in the line of fire. I could only sigh. When I had thought of it that way it truly was worse sounding then I first thought.


I was very tired when I got home and barely registered my parents calling me into the family room. I was told that a cousin named Satori would be staying with us for the time being. Normally I would have been more attentive to details such as exactly how he was related, but after the day and the surprises I had at the club room, I was hard pressed to focus. It must have showed because my parrents dismissed me quickly. Thinking back, my parents might not have told me, but then it would not be surprising. Our family tended to be quite close and as such everyone tended to know everyone else. We would see each other regularly, with only the odd exception, my aunt that started the Kyon name being a glaring one.

Seeing how tired I was I agreed with my parents and went directly to my room to get my homework done, I started it before leaving the club room, but was getting tired and so I came home. I had just finished my last assignment when a knock came from my door.

I called to the door, "Come in"

It was who I assumed to be the cousin, he appeared to be several years my junior, he also didn't stay long, just long enough to make me want to cry myself to sleep. All he had to do was speak a few short sentences.

Normally speaking is not the kind of thing to set me off, but here I felt I was dangling before a pack of hungry lions at the zoo, slowly being lowered, when suddenly they drop tigers into the exhibit.

What he had said to bring my day of nightmares to a close was, "Hi Kyon, the agency that Koizumi is part of sent me, I know he told you about us. Can you tell him tomorrow that he need not worry about Ranma, as he is my concern, or at least will if he makes close space. Oh! and don't worry, I won't tell anyone about Mikuru's mole"

With that he was gone, I had come to realize that even in the shelter of my home, I now had to deal with them. I then decided to just go to bed, but as soon as my head hit the pillow and closed my eyes it took maybe a minute to be wide awake again by way of adrenalin rush, I had remembered that I had no relatives named Satori. After mulling about it I had realized I was under-equipped to deal with something like this on my own. Perhaps Koizumi might be able to help put some light on this new trouble. With that I went to sleep, hoping to enjoy dreams of normal life rather then the fantastic.