Make My Wiener a Winner!
by: Dick Dubya

What the fuck is with the title change, you say? FF laws. They suck. Warning: Totally fucked up story coming up. Not suitable for kids. Rated I for Immature.

One Monday evening, Timmy Turner was holed up in his bedroom, sulking the night away. He had a thick book in his hand, but he was evidently not interested to read it.

"Hey, what's up, Timmy?" Cosmo popped out of nowhere and hollered in his annoying voice, "Ooh, you got a test? What's that?" He picked up the book from Timmy's lap and read the title slowly: "Cal-cuuu-luuuuussss... Sounds boring!" Yawn. He tossed the book out the window, crashing the glass and hitting a stray cat. Nyaaaawrr!

Timmy was still unmoved.

"I know!" Cosmo suddenly had an idea. "Let's just Play Station all night long! Fight Night 75! Yeah!"

Still, no reaction.

"COSMO!" Wanda materialized behind her husband, obviously terribly cross. "What the fuck are you doing? Can't you see Timmy trying to study?" She waved her wand and poof! the calculus book was magically transported back onto Timmy's lap. Along with the angry cat, who hissed and jumped at Cosmo. Nyaaaawrr!

"Aaaah! Good kitty, noooo!" And Cosmo flew around like the retard that he is, trying to wave off the mad cat.

While Cosmo was distracted with his newfound pet, Wanda noticed that something was wrong with Timmy. "What's wrong, Timmy?" she asked concernedly.

Timmy looked up at her, first blankly... and then the tears welled in his eyes and he wailed like a baby. "WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA! Cosmo! Wanda! I'm gonna miss you! I'm not ever gonna forget you! WHHHHHAAAAAAAA!" He threw himself at Wanda and gave her a tight hug.

Unfortunately, Cosmo caught them in a tight embrace. "What the fuck are you doing to my wife, cheater! Just wait till I get this cat off-- Oh wait, I forgot, I can just teleport this kitty with my magic wand!" And, thanks to his eureka moment, Cosmo learned that he can use magic to get rid of the cat that was trying to kill him. So, he waved his magic wand and poof! the kitty magically disappeared!

"Uhm, you can also use magic to get rid of your facial lacerations..." Timmy suggested.

"Huh? What a la-re-saay-shuuun?" Cosmo asked.

"It's a deep wound, you moron!" Wanda nagged at her husband for the entifiyth time. Resigned to her fate as an idiot's wife, she moaned, "Here, just lemme do it before you get yourself into more trouble..." Poof! With a wave of Wanda's wand, Cosmo's disfiguring wounds have disappeared, leaving a fresh-looking Cosmo.

Cosmo wiped the sweat off his brow. "Phew! For a second there, I thought I was catnip. Mmm, catnip..." Then, suddenly, remembering-- "Aah! Cheater!" He started for Timmy, but Wanda blocked the way.

"Stop acting like an idiot, Cosmo! Can't you see Timmy has a problem?"

"Oh, so you're protecting him, eh? I see what this means... and you're gonna have sex with Timmy just 'coz he's got a problem, eh?" Cosmo's voice was condescending.

"I'm NOT gonna have sex with Timmy! I was just giving him a chaste embrace!"

"Yeah, you're just saying that 'coz I caught you guys red-handed. You cheater, you traitor, you... you..." The tears overflowed from Cosmo's eyes. "WHHHHHAAAAAAA! My wife cheated on meeeeee! She's gonna leave me for Timmmmyyyyyyyyyyy...."

"COSMO! Wait!" Wanda flew to her husband's side...

But Cosmo had already disappeared.

"Goddammit! That moron! Why did I have to be married to that moron?" Wanda gritted her teeth, then poofed away to look for her husband.

"Wanda, wait--" But no one was there to hear him. Timmy was alone in his room, once again. "Oh men... now who do I talk to about my problems?" Just then, as though an answer to his prayer--

Nyyyaaaaaawwrr! The cat had climbed back onto his room.

"Uh-oh... Aaaaaaaaaahhh!" And Timmy ran around and screamed as the cat came after him. "Damn it! Stupid cat! Stay away!" Of course he cannot poof the cat away. But he can wish for it. "Aaaaaah! I wish this cat was gone!"

Nothing happened.


Just then, his parents barged into his room, sending shards flying that stabbed the cat to death.

"Whew! Thanks, Dad."

But more trouble was brewing... "Timmy! Why on earth were you making all that noise?" scolded his mother.

"Don't you know that your mom and I are having sex and can't be disturbed?" added his father.

"Eeew, I knew that," Timmy replied.

"And since you've been a nasty bastard," said his dad, "you're grounded!"

"What the fuck-- Hey, have you forgotten--"

"Good night, Timmy! Sweet dreams!" And his parents ran to their respective bedrooms.

"-- tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday..." Geez, they always forget. He looked at the clock. 10 PM. According to "Da Rules," the official fairy rulebook, a godchild will lose and forget about his fairy godparents when he turns 18.

He stared out the window. I wonder how it's like to forget about Cosmo and Wanda, he thought to himself. The tears rolled down his cheeks. How he wished Cosmo and Wanda were here for him during the final two hours...

(to be continued)

Disclaimer: Fairly OddParents is a creation of Butch Hartman. This Fairly OddParents fanfiction was written solely for entertainment purposes.