Hello all! My lovely readers! Yes, I'm starting another story, but I really had the urge to write this, plus humor helps me relieve stress. Hopefully, I'll be able to update much more often. Enough of my inane babble, so here we go!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series, or things that happen in my fanfics would be regular occurrences.

Dobby's Polka-Dotted Sock

The Official, Depressing Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter One:


Dear Diary,

My name is Severus Snape. I hate my name. Who would want a name like Severus? I would rather be called Sev, but my mother says no.

On the subject of that, I also hate my parents. They are the worst parents ever. They fight all the time, and I bet they don't even love me. If I hadn't learned all those hexes and curses to threaten them with, I probably would be out on the streets by now. Which doesn't seem too bad at the moment.

Anyway, you're the only one who will understand, diary. I'm different from others, and I shouldn't be made fun of for that. Just because I think washing my hair is for muggles doesn't mean I'm gross!

Locking myself in the closet and waiting for someone to notice,


Dear Diary,

I realized today I forgot to tell you more about myself. I'm 10 years old, but I'm going to be 11 soon. So in September, I'll be able to get away from my stupid parents and go to Hogwarts, since I'm a wizard. I'm a pretty good one, if I may say so myself. Father is a muggle, and he doesn't like magic, but a good Levicorpus (I invent my own spells. I know, I'm a genius.) for 10 days convinced him to let me go. Honestly, if he had died when I was little, I'd be much better off.

One of the other reasons I got you, besides you being my only friend, is that, well, I think I have a crush. My first one. And I heard this muggle girl in the store talking about how writing down your feelings helps you deal with it, so I decided to try it out. Not that I normally don't take advice from stupid muggles, but I need to practice. Because the girl I like is a muggle. Or at least muggle-born, which is good since that means I might get to tell her about magic and look all smart. Her name is Lily Evans and she lives really nearby. She's so pretty, I wish my mom were half as pretty as her.

Wishing I actually was social,


Dear Diary,

I can't stop thinking about Lily. She fills my every thought, and I'm filled with despair because I know she could never love me. I'm too nervous to talk to her. I was thinking I might be able to start a conversation in the park or something, but her stupid older sister is always with her! It's always, "Tuney," this or "Tuney" that. Her sister is ugly; I don't know how they can be related. And on top of that, her sister's a muggle, so she probably won't like magic like my father. Believe me, diary, I'm sitting behind the bushes in the park right now and the two of them are swinging together, which means I can't talk to Lily today, either.

All right, diary, I'm a wizard. I can do this. I'll be right back.

Well that didn't go well. Here's what happened.

I stood up and walked over to them and they both immediately stopped swinging, making Lily's hair fan around her like an angelic red curtain. She looked confused, while her sister looked me up and down with scorn.

Me: Hello, Lily. You're a witch, and I'm a wizard. You're really pretty-

Petunia: Ugghh, you freak! Get away!

Then she hit me in the face with her swing. I quickly backed off, performed a memory charm, and ran back home before they could see me. I couldn't have that be my precious Lily's first impression of me! I'm soo embarrassed, diary. Now I know I need to practice before approaching them again.

My nose really hurts, diary. I think it must have broke when that stupid girl hit me. I don't what to do; I don't know any healing spells or potions!

That settles it, diary. I'm going to become a master at potions and healing spells in case something like this ever happens again.

Off to find an ice pack,


So how'd you guys like? Questions? Comments? The next chapter will probably be after Snape is sorted or something. Thanks for reading!