down deep in the grey to sniff out grey pastimes-----went sirius-----sirius went
down far deep in a ditch and it wasn't half as wet as crying, not half as warm as when
remus rolled his eyes back to sigh or in the rain where they talked and maybe it was
the last time----so he loosens his limbs and he fell falls down deep----
it wasn't half as warm never half as warm


Green autumn days he sat under that tree, sat under that tree feeling like a man--
hates the smell of cigars-- wasn't a boy anymore, spending the inheritance he felt so old --
felt he knew everything -- which is why the jokes came easy and it was so

it was so easy to


down deep where no grass grew and the earth flew beyond the heels of his shoes----
down deep to the silence he saw only in wishes or in the second incarnation of lily's eyes---
deeper than any kiss--- deep in that grey-- remus--there are no more cigarettes to burn you

so far deep it hurts to remember he tries he tries--i don't want--don't want to--


love to me

when he got older it was less funny, it hurt more and it was less of everything it had been
and it was so hard after sixteen--remus! it was so hard -- he never thought -- and the money
went and the name went with it, james laughing a little cos
laughing is what it came to and animal sounds---your little love dog---

clawing at windows one night december -- remus says--
does he remember fighting with teeth--? and
holding someone's hand to fend off the Black; never good at defense ,
and then it was
it was


down deep in the grey--deep--
remus stretches like a--like liquid--he
is all

--every color of him--oh i don't want to--

opens what might be a mouth and he tries to crawl down the throat
claw down the walls to meet the nausea there--he goes---goes sirius---so hard--sorry--i fell i can't get up

claw down the walls--wanted to be--

and wanted

down deep in the grey to hunt what oxygen is left or the last green flutter of his heart--fell falls---
the last green sight in his eyes , which loved nothing--and the veil noise is like the first time you are in hiding

so down deep think you hear them coming

remus saying
saying no are you mad you're so--that line in the dust--

taste and smell are different afterward---nothing is the same--it's just--justsomuch easier to think--
easier to think afterward--
easier to think it was a kiss


but loved nothing -- deep in that grey---
to keep your child alive james--
nothing--and nothing--loved nothing he passes now in the memory---so down deep!--
and the warmth of blood rushing behind the whiteness of his throat--went sirius---
he's crawling--i don't---

down deep in the meadow where the ribs show and the
fabric hangs just so --on the hips over the eyes in the Black--
mother--don't want to die---!
wasn't half as wet as crying not half as warm as when
remus--remus--and he saw grey eyes

and no more