Love Love Contest! Fight!

Disclaimer: Don't own KH characters or rights.

Warning: shonen-ai (boy x boy romance), crude humor, language, SoraRiku below.

A/N: This is a parody written to scorn the TV show Farmer wants a wife. I think that show is immature, stupid and DUMB. Yeah, you heard me. Try flaming me if you will, but I call dibs to call you cowards here first.

Chapter one: Contest Entry


"Sora! Were you listening to me?!"

"Huh? Listen what?"

"Urgh!" A girl with deep maroon hair rolled her eyes, sitting her bottom into the cramped chair of the cramped classroom desk. "What is wrong with you? You're spacing out again!" She whined with a frown, biting her lips when the boy failed to reply, "Are you thinking about… him again?"

"No way!" The boy named Sora replied reflexively. "How would I have the time?!" He flipped through a few pages of the book in front of him, seeming almost angry, "I have four Advanced Placement classes and five club meetings, AND keyblade martial arts athletics after school. Do you seriously think I have the time?!"

"Aw, don't be mad." The girl immediately lightened her tone, "It's just… You've never really been concentrating ever since-"

"Kairi…!" Sora glared into the girl's glowing violet eyes, "Don't you dare…"

"Okay, okay. I'll stop mentioning it." Kairi gave in quickly, patting on Sora's arm for his forgiveness. "Anyway, don't you think it's time to find someone else?"

The boy sighed. Kairi really wasn't gonna stop bugging him. He closed his book, "What do you really want to say?"

"I'm saying," The faintest hint of a mischievous smirk flinted across Kairi's lips, "Isn't it time to find a new boyfriend?"

Sora slumped his shoulders. "Kairi, I really, really don't want to think about stuff like this anymore." Picking up his books, he shoved them into his backpack. "I'm done dreaming for something that will never be mine."

His chair creaked with a groan as he stood up, slouching his backpack over his shoulders and starting to leave the classroom that was filled mere seconds ago. "See you tomorrow." With a casual wave, he disappeared behind the door.

Kairi sighed, pursing her lips stubbornly. Her best friend Sora had never been truly happy ever since his last breakup. Everyone else thought that the optimistic boy would eventually get over it, but only Kairi noticed the prolonged period of depression. She thinks that all the boy needed was a new boyfriend, someone like…

"Oh my GOD! No way!"

Ow, that hurts, thought Kairi as she winced at the voice outside which was so loud that even someone inside a classroom could well be deafened. There seemed to be a fuss around the notice board in the hallway as Kairi casually left the room. Being the nosey girl she always was, Kairi pushed through the squealing crowd to take a clearer look.

"'Sign up and enter this contest to win sexy Riku's love'…?" She cocked her head to a side at the poster before her. Who is that…? Lingering her gaze higher, her eyes immediately caught the touched-up portrait of…

Dang, even Kairi, the queen of dating of all-times, found her breath hitching, this guy's hot

"Hurry up! We have to go get the applications!" A fan-girly voice squeaked. Kairi glanced at them for a second before whipping her head back to the poster, anxious as if she'd lose if she didn't read faster.

"'Get your application now! It can be found in the Riku fan-club room, F206. Due by the end of June. Girls and boys both welcomed! First selection starts on Friday, July 8th.'" The maroon-haired girl read quietly to herself, a grin widening as a naughty idea came into her mind.

But she failed to notice, that under the lines of information, printed in size 6 font, was the postscript notes: PS: Please remember to pay ALL fees! Like Riku said, love is not a game!

Sora gave the best growl he could at Kairi when the girl shoved him into a room. It was a rowdy classroom, with LOTS of people in it. Most of them are girls, but there seemed to be a few shy boys here and there. Sora's eyebrows were half-twitching at the sight before he turned back to his childhood friend and the cause of all his dismays.

"What is this, Kairi?" He asked not-so-friendlily, "I'm good with clubs. I don't need to join anymore."

"Chill out, Sora." She patted his shoulder in an attempt to reassure him, "We're reaching the end of the first semester and vacation starts next week anyway; you won't have any club activities to worry about."

"But still." Sora insisted, "I'm not bound to be in one of whatever weird circles you plan to drag me into."

"Sora, have some faith in your friend." Kairi tapped the brunet's shoulder again, pushing him further into the room. At the same time, three girls with solemn and authoritarian looks on their faces strolled into the classroom through another door, directly standing in front of the crowd. Sora stopped his struggling as everyone in the room quieted down.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," The girl in the middle spoke superiorly, "Welcome to the first selection process of the Love Love Contest."

"'Love Love… Contest'?" Sora's eyes twitched visibly. Kairi couldn't suppress the grin tugging at the corner of her lips as she inched closer and closer to the door they came in from.

"Let us welcome our judges." The girl continued, "Firstly, Master Axel."

The crowd applauded as a tall and slim man walked in through that other door. He had a head of gravity-defying spikes that reminded Sora of fire, two acid-green eyes that seem to penetrate everything they see, and diamond-shaped black tattoos under that. His eyes were exhibiting smugness, yet his face seemed to be asking "Why the hell do I have to be here?"

"Secondly, Master Roxas." Another round of applause welcomed a much shorter person, with blond spikes and deep oceanic eyes. Roxas seemed to have mumbled something about "why for god's sake do they have to add 'Master' before our names?" To be honest, Sora actually thought this Roxas looked like himself.

"Last but not least, Lord Riku himself." The applause was now accompanied with vociferous squeals and screams. Sora winced, pressing his index fingers into his ear. Wait… Lord Riku himself? Doesn't that mean whatever this contest is has got something to do with… him? Sora looked up at the man, who stood behind a mike (that Sora didn't know existed).

"You know you smoke too much when you pause in the middle of smoking one for a 'cigarette break'." The silver-haired Riku said, intending to make a joke. Sora deadpanned.

"I'm leaving." Sora declared indifferently to no one in particular, thinking that Kairi was still behind him. He turned around, and found said girl's previous spot empty. "What the heck?! She left?!" He hissed and stepped towards the door.

"You there!" One of the three girls from before yelled out; Sora froze. "If you leave, you will not be able to get your entrance fees back."

"Yeah, and how can you possibly walk away from Lord Riku like that?" Another one of them added.

"Listen-" Sora turned around slowly with his face full of irritation.

"Then what about this?" Axel took the microphone out of its stand and spoke, "We'll start the selection right away, with him. If he really wants to leave so much, we can just eliminate him quickly and get it over with."

"Wha…?" Sora frowned. He totally didn't like the sound of that; but before he could protest, those three girls had ordered other girls (that Sora also didn't know existed) to grab him and bring him over to another room. Now Sora realized that he was in the photography room, and the so-called "selection interview room" was, really, the darkroom; except, of course, it had been temporarily put out of use and lightened up just for this… contest thingy.

"Please sit down." Roxas, the only one that seemed to be sentient in the group, gestured to Sora.

What the hell is this…? I'm here against my will! Can't you people tell?! Kairi I'm gonna kill you!! Sora's mind argued loudly over himself as he timidly sat down on the single chair across from what could be easily assumed as the "judges' panel".

"So, your name is Sora." Axel flipped through pages on a clipboard in his hand. God forbid, they even had his information. Sora really wondered if the redhead was looking at a "profile" of him. "Why'd you want to leave just now?"

"I'm just going to be honest." Sora's face was still deadpanned and blank. "A friend set me up. This is her idea of a prank on me. I didn't apply for this… Love Love Contest or whatever. I don't even know what it is, okay? I'm here against my will, and I want to leave." Watching the three fellow schoolmates' faces, he added, "And you, Riku or whatever. You have a really bad sense of humor."

The silver-haired teen seemed to be more astonished than hurt. Roxas blinked with cocked eyebrows, secretly impressed with the honesty and bluntness Sora had; Axel whistled, nodding his head enigmatically as if something just made sense to him.

"Can I go now?" The brunet asked, more than eager to leave the presence of these bizarre people and to take revenge on the cause of his dismay.

"Um, yeah." Roxas talked, for Riku still seemed to be in shock and Axel was still looking through Sora's information. "Come back half an hour later for the selection results… if you care."

I don't. Sora thought sourly as he bolted out from the chair and started digging for his cell phone.

Everybody agreed that Sora was one of the nicest kids in town. He was bubbly, cheerful, kind and above all, forgiving. So even Kairi, who had been his friend for more than ten years, was shocked when he came up to her face and held her neck tightly with one hand, a murderous face painted on him. Now, little Sora didn't intend to make a scene (at school at least), but he needed an explanation above all else.

"What the hell was that for?!" He released his grip abruptly when she started to flail her arms, plopping down onto the pavement where she originally sat.

"For your own good." Kairi sat down beside him. "Don't mean to be so blunt but… you need to get laid, Sora."

The boy's natural pure, childish and innocent trait resurfaced as he blushed at her statement.

"I mean, not literally. That's… ew." She rolled her eyes, "But you've just been so down since… since… gah. Anyway, I think it's time you start a new relationship. You know the old saying: the best way to heal a wound left by an old relationship is to start a new relationship."

"You do know that that saying is totally archaic and paradoxical, right?" Sora stared at her like she was supposed to know that. "The last thing I need right now is another person to break my heart."

"How do you know he'll break your heart?" Kairi swerved her index finger like she was some old wise sorcerer. "Riku let his fan club host this thing. He's the one looking for someone special for him to care about. What would be the point anyway to go through all this trouble just to break this special someone's heart in the end?"

"You're not making sense." Sora rolled his eyes. "Neither does this contest thing. What is it anyway?"

"Just as its name says: a love contest." She smiled. "He'll first select eleven people out from a bunch, and then the contestants will enter a camping phase in which Riku and they will go to a human paradise. There they'll hang out, get to know each other; but mainly the drama comes in between the contestants, how they fight with each other to win Riku's heart. Whoever succeeds will get to date him without objection from his fan club or fans."

"What? That's… wrong. That's so wrong!" Sora stood up, unknown fury burning in his eyes, "How can he do that?! That's just… degrading love! I mean, watching other people fight each other for him and he's just gonna sit back and laugh?! That's wrong!! You can't find love by gathering people and eliminating them to your heart's content! True love is found by fate!"

"Sora, what century do you think you're in?" Kairi chuckled amusedly. "No one believes in these things anymore. Look around you, there are millions of matchmaking services everywhere. You want a date? Just go there and give them your information, they'll find the right person for you. You can get coupled up with people you never think you'd meet in your life."

"But that's not right. I mean, love shouldn't be something that's made out of intentional human interference." Sora frowned, biting his bottom lip. "It shouldn't be something artificial…"

"Maybe not. Maybe you're right. Matchmaking may be wrong." Kairi shrugged, "But that isn't going to stop the fact that people will continue to do it. And the fact that you're still in the contest."

"No I'm not." The brunet denied hastily, "I told them I wanted to leave, and they let me."

"You did?!" Kairi's previously crossed arms dropped, and she had frustration clearly imprinted all over her. "God, you're such a stubborn ass, Sora!" She gritted before grabbing the boy's wrist and started running.

"What are you doing? Where are we going?!" The brunet tried to pry off his arm while Kairi's running was obstructed by a crowd. To Sora's dismay, Kairi had brought him back to room F206, the photography room. Before Sora could fight off the girl's grip or anything else happened, the door to the room (which was previously locked) suddenly opened. Those three girls from before stepped out, still looking all high and mighty.

"Excuse us for the long wait." The leader girl announced. "Please come inside to hear the announcement of the first round selection results."

Everybody started moving. Kairi gripped Sora' wrist yet tighter, and dragged him into the room. Lights out of nowhere focused on the front of the classroom, where those three girls and the three judges stood. The leader girl (now Sora began to wonder if she was the fan club's president) stood beside a white board stand; all was quiet.

"Well then, let's begin the nominations of the contestants for the Love Love Contest." The girl stated, and one of her sidekicks came up with an envelope. She opened it carefully.

"Number one, Lady Naminé." All eyes fell upon a girl in the frontline of the crowd. She had long, straight and smooth blond hair raining down onto her shoulder, and was wearing a petite white skirt. Although Sora stood behind everyone and couldn't see their faces, he was sure that whoever this Naminé was must be beautiful. She was giggling clandestinely, although she tried to hide it. The people began murmuring, mostly agreeing with the decision. "Please quiet down. Thank you. Then, number two, Mister Tidus. Number three…

"…Number ten, Lady Selphie." A girl squealed loudly, punching a fist into the air. Kairi gulped; Sora's name has not been called so far. The brunet was quite sure it would not be.

"Number eleven, Mister Sora."

"Ehhhh?!" The crowd emitted skeptical sounds while Kairi screamed and danced around her friend. Sora just stood there, eyes as wide as everyone else, disbelieving as the other sidekick girl pasted the card with his name on onto the whiteboard neatly.

"I'm… in?" Sora mumbled disbelievingly. "No way."

Review, and have a nice day.