Chuck and Sarah Watch a Porno

A/N: I have the stupid.

Dedicated to Jessah. Because I'm a nerd and haven't gotten around to writing those last two fics for her. They're on the way, darling.

_______

John Casey was smiling.

This, in Chuck's world, meant the exact opposite of what it might mean in the real, not-spy world. In this world, it meant danger, death, bombs, mass casualties, crying babies, kicking puppies--

"Porn." Casey smirked, handing Chuck a stack of coverless DVD boxes. The young Intersect sat in the home theater room, Sarah beside him on the couch and John lording over them near the big screen TV. A looks of abject horror, helplessness, and confusion mingled together on his face.

"Our mark is Violet Talbot, AKA Jessyca LaVaughn. She's the daughter of Vin Talbot, who's currently in lockup for shipping arms overseas." Sarah supplied demurely. "Ms. LaVaughn runs a studio in the porn industry, but in the last few years her movies haven't been doing quite as well as they should. It seems she's turned to the family business in order to get the cash to keep her studio afloat.

"You and Agent Walker here get the fun task of looking over these…movies…made on her studio, to see if you flash on anything."

"Actors, actresses…" The blonde agent swallowed uncomfortably "…props."

"It's a long shot," Casey conceded "But we might as well check out every nook and cranny." He paused "Metaphorically, of course." A greasy smile slid onto his face. Chuck scowled bitterly while Sarah dropped her head into her hands and looked as if she wanted the world to open up and swallow her whole.

"Slow down, Speed Racer." The curly-haired boy threw his hands up in a 'stop' motion "Why does Sarah have sit in and share my humiliation?"

"I need to make sure every flash you have is recorded." Sarah said from behind her hands "And that you're actually watching the films."

"The Buy More'll be closing in a couple minutes. I'll be standing guard, making sure nobody interrupts." Casey strode towards the door, tossing a 'have fun, you two!' over his shoulder. Sarah gave him the finger.

____

"So."

"So."

"We should probably…"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Which…?"

Sarah sighed and picked a black case from the middle, regarding it in her hands for a moment before slowly getting up and shuffling towards the DVD player. Chuck, restless and embarrassed, made sure that all the blinds were drawn and lights off.

His fake-girlfriend returned to the couch and, grabbing the remote control, pressed play.

___

"Holy damn."

"What?"

"Are you not seeing this?"

"I'm watching it, Chuck, same as you."

"That girl! With her leg! And that guy's--"

"Are you really all that surprised?"

"Short of the time Ellie took me to see Cirque de Solei, I have never, never seen a woman do that with her body."

"I can."

"…"

"What? What's with the look, Bartowski?"

"I don't believe it."

"You don't believe I can do that?"

"Not unless you're made of rubber, or had a secret past as a porn star…"

"No, Chuck, I've never been a porn star."

"Then, no. I don't believe you can do that."

"It's elementary. Watch and learn…"

"GOOD LORD."

"See?"

"It's like watching an elephant doing a handstand!"

"Thanks for the comparison."

"Innit that…uncomfortable? I mean, with your head all at an angle like that."

"Lesser so when you put it into context-- damnit, put that phone away!"

"Hey, I need something for posterity and…OW! OW! Okay, okay, it's going away!"

___________

"So, I don't see the point in this one."

"It's supposed to be abstract, I think."

"Like a Darren Aronofsky porno?"

"Or something like that, yeah."

"….seriously, this is blowing my mind. And not in a good way. Can we skip past it?"

"Sorry, Chuck. We need to be very thorough to make sure if there's anything to flash on, you flash on it."

"Okay, but answer me this: what the hell's the Mary Tyler Moore look-a-like for?"

"I think she's going to have a threesome with Hillary Clinton and that scruffy guy who may or may not be Bon Jovi."

"Just making sure."

___________

"This is illegal, right? This has to be illegal."

"Oh, this is definitely illegal."

"Is it wrong that I think it's kinda hot?"

"…yes. Now get the DVD so I can put it into my computer and print out caps from this scene."

"What? Why?"

"They may be enough to bring Ms. LaVaughn in for questioning. We can take the investigation from there."

____________

It was just past dawn when , dazed and a bit worse for wear, Chuck and Sarah emerged from the home-theater room. Casey had nodded off during his post as watchman, though one eye cracked open as they exited.

"Flash on anything?"

"Nope." Chuck shook his head. "But Sarah did manage to get these screen-caps of…illegal content from one of the films." He handed him a stack of glossy prints, which Casey pursued with ever-widening eyes.

"There is a God." He breathed. Sarah elbowed him harshly.

"You two are disgusting." She lamented, narrowing her eyes.

"And unashamed." Chirped Chuck, who was also given a tough (albeit lesser so) jab in the ribs from his partner. Casey shook his head.

"Meet at my apartment, 8 o' clock sharp for a debriefing with General Graham. We'll figure out where we need to go from there."

Sarah nodded, grabbing Chuck's hand. "That means we have a couple hours. Come on, Chuck." She tugged him, mildly protesting, to the doorway.

"What? Where are we going?"

"Cover-Maintenance." She replied coquettishly. The curly-haired boy turned red "C'mon, pick up the pace. We don't have all morning."