Disclaimer:I do not own any part of the Twilight Saga. That is property of Stephanie Meyer.

The Strange Visitor

It was a sleepy, sunny day in Forks, Washington. Birds were singing and everything was blissfully picturesque—especially around the Cullen household.

Bella and Edward were sitting in the den. They gazed lovingly into each other's eyes filled with love and adoration.

"I love you." Bella whispered.

"And I love you..." Edward cocked a half-smile. "You are mine forever."

Bella tittered lightly. "Forever and ever..."

Meanwhile, the other vampires were busy existing in other parts of the house. It was just another day in the Cullen house. At least it would be...until the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it." Rosalie stormed to the door. Whoever it was smelled strange. All she could smell was an inappropriate mixture of vampire, human, and testosterone. She pulled the door open, making no effort to mask her irritation.

Standing there, was a man dressed like an orange version of Conan the Barbarian. He was muscular and he carried a long, barbed whip that carried the ozone scent of holy energy. He stared at the woman with such intensity that the veins in his meaty neck pulsed. His face was pinched into a scowl. He looked like he was concentrating very hard.

Rosalie's irritation shifted into confusion. The man said nothing. They stood there for ten minuted before she decided to address him.

"Um," She licked her lips. "Can I help you?"

Simon Belmont spun his holy whip over his head before he cracked it.

"Simon Belmont's comin' for that head, nigga!" He sprung into action, tackling the vampire with the force of a quarterback who overdosed on his steroids.

"What's going on?" Screamed Alice. Simon Belmont jumped in the air and threw holy water on the vampire but it did not work for some reason, so he just punched her in the face. The other vampires jumped up to attack. The sun caught their bodied and they glimmered like faultless diamonds.

"What the fuck is this shit?!" Snapped Simon. He kicked all the vampires in the face. Edward was there for some reason. The fight was so pathetic that talking about how pathetic the fight was would be more amusing than talking about the actual fight.

After the battle was done, Simon Belmont stormed through the mansion. He broke all the lights and windows in an attempt to get hearts but they didn't drop any. Simon Belmont was angry and proceeded to break all the lights and windows out of rage instead. Eventually, he arrived at the den.

"I sense the evil..." He growled. He kicked the door off the hinges and stormed in. Sitting atop her unicorn throne was Bella. She had a glass of wine in her grip that she idly swished. She cast the man a displeased glare. Simon Belmont kicked the broken door at her and she deflected it with unholy magick...

"Die monster!" Snapped Simon Belmont. "You don't belong in this world!"

"It was not by my hand that I was given flesh." Spat Bella. "I was called here by Mormons who wish to pay me tribute!"

"Tribute?!" Simon Belmont was taken aback. "You steal young girls' souls and make them your slaves!"

Bella chuckled. "Perhaps the same could be said of all fandoms..."

"Your words are as empty as your soul." Simon Belmont pointed an accusatory finger at the young woman. "Mankind ill needs a savior such as you!"

"What is a man?!" Bella flung her glass to the floor. It shattered into at least one hundred pieces—no less. "A miserable pile of secrets and sparkles! But enough talk..." She stood up in slow motion but she was moving so fast that it just looked like regular speed to Simon Belmont.

Bella began to digi-evolve into her final boss form.

"Have at you!" She roared.

She proceeded to morph sexily into a giant, sparkling, neon-pink tyrannosaurus rex with pink tiger stripes that could not be seen by humans because it was pink on pink. Three lazer cannons appeared, one on each of her shoulders, and one placed arousingly on the top of her head. Simon Belmont was not amused. T-Rexes everywhere cried out in this travesty against their kind—even though they had been dead for a billion years. Their lamentations echoed in the manly pit of Simon Belmont's manly heart but he ignored their cries for vengeance. Simon Belmont was no one's bitch...but his own.

Before Simon Belmont could attack, Bella opened her massive jowls to reveal a mini T-Rex inside of her mouth. That T-Rex had a proton cannon. It pulled the trigger and released a blast of super-powerered energy. The beam collided with Simon Belmont and the man merely grunted because the beam's power was no match for his manliness. He then took off the charred remains of his clothes and prepared to fight his disturbingly attractive foe.

The fight went on for three hours. No one stopped to rest. It was a non-stop fighting bonanza. Finally, Simon Belmont had enough and went super-saiyan. He then changed his mind and reverted back to his regular self, feeling that Bella deserved a regular beat-down like every other American. His whip glowed with holy energy and his body glistened with sweat, grease, and a hint of lime.

"See," Bella roared with indignation. "You do sparkle!"

"As do you..." Muttered Simon Belmont. He then did a triple back-flip in the air and landed on Bella's back. He then stabbed her with the whip. She was not good enough to get whipped like a normal person but she had earned the stabbing. He stabbed her once—repeatedly. Bella roared and collapsed in hot, sexy defeat. Simon jumped off of her and then stood in front of the slain beast. "...Now, sparkle in hell!"

"I was defeated..." Bella whimpered in disbelief. She began to revert back into her compact, human form. "No..."

A spicy pillar of neon white light surrounded her form. She began to disintegrate into tiny chunks of pink and purple glitter. The glitter swirled up into the sky, as if being sucked away by a powerful fellatio vacuum. Bella gave a ragged grasp. Simon Belmont sneezed but that was not important.

"Lord Stephanie..." She reached up to the sky as she disintegrated. "I have...I have failed yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--" This went on for five minutes but Simon Belmont had just enough hearts to use the clock so things were sped up to right about...now! "--ou!"

With that, his attractive foe crumbled into nothing, consumed by the holy pillar of light. All that remained of Bella Swan was a mere sprinkling of glitter, which eventually settled because Simon Belmont was having none of that.

Simon Belmont turned to leave. Now that his disturbingly attractive foe had been vanquished, there was no need to bless this place with any more of his delishous presence. Just when he thought things were safe, everything grew dark. The darkness cracked like an egg in an anti-drug commercial and from the blood-red fissure emerged the true master of the castle. Who would have thought that Simon Belmont had one hundred percent completion in this short time?

The dark master clawed out and stepped into this reality. Simon Belmont was so shocked that his clothes re-materialized on his body and he was now decent.

"What is this sorcery?" Simon Belmont demanded. The Vampire hunter was prepared...but would he be prepared enough to be prepared to face...Lord Stephanie?!