So, Obsessive and Compulsive -fianlly- got up off their lazy butts and wrote a story together! Whoo! And, of course, its pure and utter crack.
Compulsive: That's all we ever write together!
Obsessive:Yeah...alone, its all angsty-romance, together it's 'Boom, boom, boom, I want you in my room'...Please don't ask...
Compulsive: It's a real song!
Warning: Crack, minor character bashing?, boy-love
Disclamor: Do you really thing they would wear the amount of clothing they do if we owned Naruto?
Authors: Obsessive and Compulsive!
Ages: Naruto:20, Sasuke: 18, Tsunade and Jiraiya: 50plus, Choji: 14, Gaara: 8, Temari: 16, Ino and Sakura: 4, Kankuro and Shino: 15, Tenten: 15, Hinata: 13, Neji: 10
"I have to warn you though…my family is really weird…are you sure you don't want to go see your family?"
Sasuke gave him a look. "Anything is better than Itachi and Christmas." He shuddered.
"Well…as true as that may be, I'm not kidding when I say my family has chased off more than enough suitors."
"How many are we talking about?" Sasuke said incredulously.
"Roughly…a dozen? I think…including Stephan…" Sasuke gave him a look that said 'Okay then', and his face brightened slightly.
"Sounds fun. So you said they're foster parents…?"
"Yeah…" he turned and gave him an intense stare. "Foster parents to the psychos…" He turned back to the road in time to keep them from crashing into another car.
"You're kidding, right?" When he received no response, he repeated the question. Naruto took that chance to change the subject.
"We're almost there! Another couple of blocks…"
After shifting in his seat, he took a moment to look at outside, and realized they weren't in a neighborhood of houses, they were in a neighborhood of mansions. When they came to an abrupt stop, he noticed that the house they were at was the biggest, whitest, goldest-gated, greenest-lawned house of them all. Naruto sighed and opened the car door. Sasuke followed suit, and Naruto grabbed his hand as they walked up the path.
Sasuke turned to him and asked, "Do you think we should hold hands in front of them?"
"I really don't think they'll care…" Naruto said as the front door opened, and a very tall, very well endowed blonde woman came out.
"Brat!" She called out cheerfully.
"Hag!" He replied with the same enthusiasm. Sasuke blinked, hoping this was normal. An equally tall man came up behind her, with a perverted grin on his face. The older couple wrapped them both in a hug, and Sasuke heard warning bells go off in his head.
"Come in, come in!" They said together as they dragged Sasuke and Naruto into the house. They led them to the living area, and nudged them into a couch. Sitting across from them, they smiled.
"Mom, pop, this is my boyfriend, Sasuke." He reached over and grabbed Sasuke's crotch. Sasuke whimpered and blushed. They just smiled at him.
"Nice to meet you, Sasuke. I'm Naruto's mom, Tsunade."
"I'm his dad, Jiraiya." He leered slightly at the young man. Naruto shot a glare at him.
"Come, come Sasuke. There's much more to see." He led him by the crotch out of the room and into a grand room, and through a door to the side. A large teenager was at the counter, holding a clear bowl with a strainer in it, spinning a salad.
"…Cause nobody likes wet salad. We must keep spinning to make sure the salad is nice and dry. Nice and dry, nice and dry, nice and dry." He smiled at the bowl.
Sasuke looked over at Naruto, who was still holding him. "Is he okay?"
"He has this…thing…about wet salads. We try not to ask about it." He glanced at the still muttering boy, then dragged him back out of the room. They went around the room, up the grand staircase, and onto the third floor.
"I think this is my room." The blonde said, opening on of the doors. Sasuke gasped when he looked inside.
"Hi…" A small, redheaded boy was sitting on the bed, wearing nothing but a strategically placed stuffed panda.
"Um…Sasuke, this is Gaara…" He chuckled nervously. "May I ask what your-"
"Okay then." He whispered shutting the door. "We have a strict 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy around here. It comes in handy."
Sasuke gaped, letting out all kinds of confusion. "But-but-the panda! And your bed!"
"Don't ask, don't tell." He repeated.
They continued down the hall, where Temari stopped them. "Oh, Gaara's in there with his panda again…" Naruto nodded, and pursed his lips,
"Yep, we caught that." Temari eyed Sasuke a moment before uttering
"You're the new one, right?" Sasuke hesitantly nodded before she leaned, "He only bites the new ones." She winked, "Watch out for the flash of green." Was the last thing she whispered before making her way down the hall.
"Flash of green?"
Naruto chuckled, "You'll know when the time comes." Sasuke straightened his jacket, opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but closed it before actually speaking. Naruto opened a door, and dropped their stuff down.
"To be quite frank, I was afraid one of your foster siblings was going to burst through the wall and eat my brain. That was all of them, right?"
"I wish I could say yes, but there are…I wanna say a dozen? That doesn't seem quite right though."
Sasuke heard a loud voice echo through the hall "Dinner time!"
Naruto turned to me. "I need to warn you Christmas Dinners are unlike any others. I want you to wear this underneath all you clothing." He handed him a bulletproof vest.
"Are you having me put this on because I'm in serious danger or because you want to see me strip?"
"Half and half." He smiled and leaned back as Sasuke unbuttoned his jacket and slid out of his shirt. Naruto stood up and began advancing toward him when the door burst open to a small blonde child.
"Onii-chan, Sakura bit the head off my doll and ate it!" Her whiny voice was already annoying Sasuke.
"Onii-chan is…kinda busy right. Why don't you ask me at dinner…"
"But it's dinner time now!" Naruto was about to object when a brown haired boy walked by with his hands in his pockets.
"She's right, you know how mom gets. Have sex with your boyfriend later." Sasuke sigh at the realization that there was no escaping the insanity.
"Let's just go to dinner, dobe." He pulled his shirt back on, and Ino grabbed Sasuke's hand and pulled him out the door.
As they walked down the hall, Naruto over heard "Are you gonna be my new Aunty? What's sex? Hey! Why is your face all red? Does your nose hurt? Is that why you're rubbing it? Aunty! Answer me!"
Kiba patted Naruto's back. "Welcome back, bro. We missed you." His cheesy smile said it all; 'Get me out of here.'
The table looked like it had been set for a kingdom. Sasuke was staring at it in wonder, not only at the absurd amount of places set, but of the lavishness of the dinning wear. It was at that moment when he heard a voice yell "New youth!" Before he could even fully comprehend what was going on, he was on the ground being eaten alive by a mass of green spandex and hair.
"Oh god! Lee, no! No!" He felt someone pull the 'boy' off him and he gasped for breath and twitched. Naruto carefully helped him up.
"I am so sorry, he is just-I-I warned you…"
Sasuke mouthed a few unidentifiable words but finally said, "Let's just go sit down." They walked over and sat down. One by one, they piled in, and Naruto named them off.
"There's Kiba, and Temari, and Lee, of course, Kankuro is the one with the face paint-don't ask, long story- and Tenten is the one with four knifes- again, don't ask, even longer story-" He paused and shook his head before continuing.
"Choji, I believe you've met, Shino is the one with the large cockroach on his shoulder- we-we don't talk about that. Hinata's the quite purple one, Ino and Sakura the squabbling babies, Shikamaru the stoned looking one-and trust me when I say he's not." He leaned in closer, "He knows everything."
Leaning back, he went on, "Oh, there's Gaara." Gaara walked up and poked Sasuke's shoulder. Said man turned to look at the small redheaded boy,
"This is Fred. He's my life partner." He said simply, and then walked to his chair.
"He…it has some kind of weird attachment to him."
"To him?" Sasuke stared incredulously.
"To him. We put it on an oil tanker once, the next day it was back in his room. Waiting for him, waiting." He shuddered, then turned to Tsunade.
"Is that everyone?" He asked, praying for a yes.
"Just about." Sasuke sighed in relief. "I think we're missing Neji." Just as she said that, a medium sized brunette came into the room.
"Speak of the devil." He looked up at her with big brown eyes,
"Were you talking about me? I didn't do it…this time…I swear…" He looked around the room and caught Sasuke's eye, and looked at the open seat next to him. He walked over to the seat, staring at him all the while. Slowly he slid into the seat, still eyeing the young man.
"Neji, this is Sasuke." Naruto said slowly, Neji simply replied,
"He's my boyfriend."
"Do you like to eat small children?"
"Yeah…" The girls began to scream in fear of being eaten by the seemingly mindless boy. After Tsunade calmed them down, the rest of the dinner went quite smoothly, besides Neji's unblinking stare, the second attack from Lee, and the knife fight between Tenten and Shino.
Naruto took Sasuke's hand and led him up the stairs. All The children were getting ready for bedtime, chatter of Christmas on their lips. Naruto showed him the bathroom where Sasuke proceeded to brush his hair. Ignoring Naruto's mocking gestures, Sasuke asked, "So are we both sleeping in your room?"
"No. I'll be sleeping in the guest room across the hall, you get my room."
"With the redhead, and the panda?"
"They should be gone by now." He smiled encouragingly. "Come on, let's go." Naruto said taking Sasuke's hand to the room. Shutting the door, he gave Sasuke a wicked grin.
"Now that we're alone…" He trailed off suggestively.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no." Naruto paused mid-pounce.
"Wh-what?" He whined. "But…" He gestured at his crotch.
"There are small children in the next room."
"That randomly burst in…"
"That already call me 'Aunty'." Naruto whimpered,
"This is your parents house!"
"You say that as if it would stop me." He continued his pounce as he shoved his tongue in the smaller male's mouth. He broke the kiss hoping Naruto had his fill, "How about this, you continue this little party, and I go back to my room." Sasuke smiled.
"I don't like that idea." Naruto whispered.
"Love you too, Naruto." Sasuke kissed Naruto and walked out of the room.
"But Sasuke, I want your body! Now!" Naruto called after him, very loudly. All the children stopped, and looked out into the hallway. Sasuke brushed as he waved them back into their rooms. He heard a small voice calling 'Aunty' and little footsteps following him down the hallway before jetting into his room and locking the door.
So...this took us SIX FRACKIN' HOURS TO WRITE. Why? We got side-tracked...many times...for music...and the tv...and then we remembered this one yaoi manga that got us into the whole fanfic scene, and had to go hunting it down, which took some time...
But we finished it! So...this is part one of two...we'll write part two next time we see each other...
Christmas came early this year! Whoo! Fianlly, a holiday fic!
Reviews would seriously mean the world to us...
Even stupid ones that don't really say anything -Smile-