ok, this is my FIRST Harry Potter fic so criticism is welcome, just try not to be too cruel. This is pretty angsty and kind of weird, but it's just my writing style. I guess this could be slash if you want, but I didn't write it that way. Whatever, I wrote this because I have another fic that I haven't given up on, but I needed a break from. Hope you enjoy!
DISCLAIMER!!! I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters! Miss J.K. does. Lucky her...
If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Smile. Wave. Greet. Hug. Speak. Laugh. Like a well scripted play, just read your lines and you'll be ok. Having no solutions doesn't matter if you have no problems. So smile.
Smile, damn it!
I've thought about asking for help. But to ask for help would be to accept that I need help. And I can't do that, now can I?
Shut up, it was a rhetorical question…
It doesn't (or does) help that magic makes so many things easier. A little concealing charm here and there and it's like the scars don't even exist. A little numbing potion and the bruises are forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind.
I look at my friends. On my list of steadily declining reasons to live, these three always remain. They are more of my family that the ones who share my blood. The ones who shed my blood because I don't deserve it.
If a child is bleeding, and the blood never hits the ground, do the wounds still exist?
I lie in bed at night. I stare at the backs of my friends. They look so peaceful. I wish I could sleep like that. Like I don't have demon standing behind me waiting for me to let my guard down. I shiver.
It is here, alone in the darkness, that I allow myself to see the truth. Just cause they're invisible, doesn't mean the scars aren't there. As the numbing potion wears off, I feel myself sink into the pain. It's almost comforting. It's something to hold onto. I open my eyes, unaware I had even closed them. Tears stream down my face without my consent. I whisper to the darkness, hoping the demon wont hear.
If a soul screams, but doesn't expect to be heard, is it still disappointed?
"Hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite…" pacing, always pacing, can't stand still, is talking to yourself a sign of insanity? Either way, I'm telling the truth. I am a hypocrite. I feel torn in half. I need to be healed, but I refuse to admit I need healing. I'm depriving myself of what I know I need and if anything that's more insane that talking to yourself.
Remus. Remus is the sane one. Merlin, what does it say about you if a werewolf is the sanest of your friends?
His hand on my shoulder. Apparently I never stopped pacing. The wind bites at my skin. My scarred, broken skin. Wait a minute, when did I get outside?
"Sirius, are you ok?"
Ok? Define "ok". Wait, on second thought don't. I probably wont qualify.
If a person is shot, and refuses to save himself, is it still considered murder?
"Yeah." Smile. Smiles always make a more convincing argument.
"Yeah, I'm ok." Liar.
He looks suspicious. Is that good or bad? My two equally insane halves are fighting. I wonder who'll win. No matter what I win right? The plus side of a civil war.
"If you say so." Did I say so? Oh right, I guess I did. Damn hypocrite.
He takes a few steps then stops. Am I suppose to follow him? I guess, it is getting pretty dark. When did that happen? Merlin, how did I even get here? And I mean "here" both literally and figuratively.
Never mind that. One foot in front of the other. Good boy. I can't tell which half is praising me right now, but either way I must be doing something right.
If a tree dies in a forest, and no one cares to mourn it, was it ever really alive?
I'm not use to that. Doing something right, I mean. For as long as I can remember everything I've done has been wrong in one way or another. The long red lines across my back document each wrongdoing. I use to try to keep tract. Try to remember which deed went with which scars. But it became too tiring. And there are just too many scars beneath the skin.
Remus is staring at me again. Why is that? Oh right. I must have forgotten about the whole "one foot in front of the other" thing. My two halves have shut up at least. I think they're mad at me. I haven't exactly been listening to either of them.
"Sirius?" Oh. Right. Walking. Funny thing about that, I don't seem to be in exact control of my body right now. That's why my month keeps opening and closing without releasing any sound. That's why my eyes seem so watery. Yeah, that's why…
If a person is hurt, but has no more tears left, do they still cry?
"Sirius?" Right. I suppose to be doing something. I guess I'm just falling short of everyone's expectations today. My parents, my friends, my two bitter halves…
"Sirius…" He moves closer. Concern. That is the most prominent emotion on his face. That's a new one… He moves closer and out of habit, I move back. One foot behind the other. It's the closest thing to running away I have. Remus tries to come closer. I feel like we're dancing. We're practically synchronized.
One foot in front of the other…
One foot behind the other…
I always try to seem strong. To my friends I'm unbeatable. I prank and hex and take risks. I smile at everyone (even my enemy, though it is more of an "evil smirk") I laugh in the face of danger. A force of natured that can't be stopped. But not here. Not now. I feel so fragile. Like if he touches me I'll shatter beneath his fingers.
"Sirius…" Is that all he can say? Oh well, I guess I'm one to talk considering I haven't said a word this entire time. My two halves are still silent. They choose now to shut up? When I could actually use one of their opinions? Son of a…
He's hugging me. I didn't even realize he did that. Am I that out of it? Ok, stupid question… I feel my chest tighten. Tears spill over. I briefly wonder if his hands on my back and arms can feel the ridges of scars. My two halves no longer matter. They both shattered at his touch. But I'm still in tact. More or less. Mostly less.
I think I'm shaking... Yep, that's me. My mouth is moving again. I can't hear myself, but it probably sounds like gibberish anyway. Remus is so warm. I never noticed that before.
"Shh... It'll be ok…" I'm a tad skeptical, mostly cause I feel like that's what anyone would say in this situation. But at the same time, I can't help but believe him.
He guides me back to our room. His hands are gentle as he pushes me into bed. He pulls the covers up around me. The warmth feels different tonight. "Good night Sirius." As Remus turns off the light, I realize I feel peace. My two halves have been silenced. My demon is no longer standing over me. I take a deep breath.
If a tree is dying in a forest, and someone comes to nurture it, is it still dying?
Love it? Hate it? Any feelings at all?